Random Reveries…

1. Thanks to the Ghost Hunters episode I watched Wednesday night (SciFi Channel), I will no longer be visiting ANY lighthouses. EVER. Especially not one in St. Augustine, Florida. Nope. Not gonna do it.

And for all you skeptics out there, you just go on being skeptical. Most of the time, my favorite Roto-Rooter plumbers who moonlight as ghostbusters DISPROVE what people think are ghosts or hauntings. Not last night. I’m still shaking.

2. What the hell is with restaurants, fast food or otherwise, who are HEAPING condiments on food nowadays?

The other day I tried that new Frescata sandwich at Wendy’s (where I usually refuse to go since I once worked at one). The sandwich was okay, once I scooped off what amounted to ¼ cup of mayo! Blech!! I thought you were only supposed to load up the condiments if the customer requested it.
Drowning food in ketchup, mayo, mustard, salad dressing… you name it… should not be the norm!!

3. I read a headline noting that Massachusetts is asking MySpash (name changed to protect the “innocent”) to raise the minimum age for users to 18 (it’s currently 14). This, of course, comes from the number of internet predators stalking children through MySpash.

The article notes that, currently, MySpash is unable to verify the actual age of its users, but that it uses software to track the language that is common to children under 14. Really? I know several 12- and 13-year-old children who use MySpash daily. They just lied about their birthdates when they registered.

Personally, I think the national news people who keep running the internet predator stings (I saw an ad for Predators 5 coming up!) need to keep going. In fact, let’s ramp it up. Every state in the country should be running these stings DAILY. On top of that, let’s increase the penalties for trolling for kids online. If the chance of getting caught is better than 90%, and the jail time is SIGNIFICANT (15 years or more), maybe these sickos will leave our kids alone!


Just a reminder that this blog is now a “Safe Zone.” There shall be no mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named. Hint: my new nickname for him is Tomas Crazy.


Note: Friday Why Files will return next week. There will be no new post on Friday... Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Ask, and ye shall receive...

Colossal Cranium...

I have a big head. Literally. Possibly figuratively, too, but that's another post entirely.

My head is approximately 24 inches (62 cm) around. If I were the same size as Andre the Giant, that would be okay. But since I'm not... and I'm actually rather short... it's this big nightmare that teeters atop my neck. Proportionally speaking, I resemble a bobble-head.

Usually, I don't care. I don't even think about it. Sometimes though, I'm photographed next to people who have smaller-than-average noggins, and then I look like a complete freak.

Here's why this is a relevant issue for me now... "they" don't make headbands or other similar hair accessories for people with LARGE block heads. Not that I wear headbands a lot... usually only for working out or washing the face or going to bed. But when I do... they don't stay ON! Note the artistic graphic below that shows the three stages of headband-wearing:

Frame 1, headband is in place.
Frame 2... 5 seconds later... headband is creeping up to the top of my head.
Frame 3... 3 seconds later... headband is shot off my head, into the air, making an interesting "zing" sound.

So, I guess the moral of today's lesson, kids, is that you should never stand behind me while I am working out, washing my face, or going to bed. Because you just might get "zinged" in the face with a flying headband.

Oh, and Happy May Day.

Image credits:

C. Brown book, Charles M. Schulz, from Amazon.com

Fabulous-artistic-rendering of headband escapage... All me. With a little help from MS Paint.

Scarred for life...

Do you have one movie that scarred you for life? I mean... not in the sense that you can't watch it anymore or anything like that. More along the lines of: you do things now (or DON'T do things now) because of that movie.

For me, that movie was Salem's Lot. The 1979 David Soul version, not the 2004 Rob Lowe version.

I watched this movie with my parents, and I think a couple of my aunts and uncles. I was 10.

Before seeing this movie, I used to love keeping windows open at night. A nice breeze would come through my bedroom window... I could get a glimpse of moonlight shining on my bedroom walls. It was all so serene. And then this show damaged me.

In this movie, you learn that vampires can only enter your home if they are invited. And they like to float up to your bedroom window and come in that way. If you keep your windows open (curtains or blinds wide open, too)... they will trick you into letting them in. If you're a smart person, you keep your windows shut and your curtains/blinds drawn, too. Then they can't see you, but most especially... YOU CAN'T SEE THEM!

Since that most memorable night, I have never slept with my windows open. Oh, I've had "bedmates" who have tried. They even tricked me by waiting until I was asleep to open the windows on their own. Of course, I eventually awoke to a lovely breeze floating over my body, and then shrieked like a banshee! Immediately following the banshee shrieking-- a body-hurling leap to the window to bang it shut and draw those curtains before Nosferatu could weasle his way in. Hell no. Hell TO THE NO!

So that's my "scarred for life" movie. And I'm not ashamed.

Friday Why Files... these are just too easy...

WHY #1: Why did Kellie Pickler get kicked off American Idol?!? She SOOOOO could win this thing!

HA! Just kidding! I think America got that one right. Yeehaw.

The real WHY is: why did Paula start crying after Elliott's song Tuesday night? Did anyone see this? He sang really well... and I love a good cry as much as anyone, but c'mon!?!? I'm starting to believe the rumors that she's got something stronger than Coca-Cola in that cup. She was just goofy all night.

WHY #2: Beans could become "flatulence free." Do we really need gas-proof beans?

WHY #3: Why is everyone still talking about Tom Cruise? PEOPLE! If we ignore him, he will go away. Yes, we know he's out-of-his-mind insane. If we're really, really lucky, he'll get bored with all us humans and go back to Xenu where he belongs.

WHY #4: Qatar: Loud-mouth politicians are actually CAUSING the problem with oil prices. DUH! Why aren't we hearing more of this??!?!?


Not really a WHY #5: Okay, this one isn't so much a WHY, I guess. Just interesting:

Rosie O'Donnell to join The View.

I wonder who will get bitch-slapped first.

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

More stuff that pisses me off...

Hey, every now and then (or more often than not), I have to live up to my blog name. Okay? Yeah, that's what I thought.


Anger-inducing Peeve #1: Waiting for FIVE MINUTES in a left-turn lane with a red turn light when there is no oncoming traffic. It's not a dangerous road- you could see any approaching vehicles from about half a mile away. There is absolutely NO purpose for that light to stay red, other than during heavy traffic times. Five minutes, people. Do you know what I could be doing with five extra minutes in my day? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Anger-inducing Peeve #2: Watching Ryan Seacrest pause before he's supposed to announce who's going home on American Idol, and knowing he's going to say "... right after this commercial break." Really. We know you need your ad time. Why don't you just cut through the crap and tell us what we want to know early on in the show, say the first 15 minutes. Then you can play all the ads you want. Sure, we'll be gone. But we won't be driving a nail through our palms each time you say, "... right after this commercial break." Listen to me, Seacrest. Nigel Lythgoe, you too. This is not suspense. It's just pissing us off. I flip the channel to watch something else until the last 4 minutes of your show now. So, what now? Yeah, that's what I thought.

(counter to anger-inducing peeve... America finally got it right! Kellie Pickler, it was nice knowing you! Not really, but I'm just saying.)

Anger-inducing Peeve #3: My bathroom scale is a big, fat, stupid head LIAR! I hate it. It sits there, all smug, on the tile of my bathroom floor... just daring me to have hope. I'm working out everyday. Two days a week, I'm with a physical therapist for an hour. Did you hear that?!?! An HOUR!!! Sure, it's not terribly intense, but it's still more movement than my crazy, broken body saw 6 months ago. I'm eating so well (even let up a little on the Chipotle addiction). People who eat around me feel ashamed for all the greasy nastiness they are consuming. I'm eating my 1200 or less calories a day of fruits, veggies, lean protein, blah, blah, blah. But I'm digressing somewhat...

Back to that arsehole scale of mine: it's evil. Just when I feel like, "Hey! I bet I've lost at least a pound or two! Scale-y loves me. I'll just ease my toes ever so slightly onto it's cute, white surface, and..." BAM! No loss. Not one stinking pound. As I stand there and watch the digital numbers move back and forth... then finally rest on the higher number (of course)... I hear the scale huffing and puffing like it's out of breath. I step off, defeated... and then it laughs at me. Oh, yes it does. No, really. It does. Don't argue with me, or I'll punch you. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anger-inducing Peeve #4: The month of April. Wha? Yes, I said the month of April. It seems all nice and shiny... spring is here, tra la! Au contraire, mon frere... not in the midwest. It is the month of UPS and DOWNS.

April crept in and gave us this lovely, temperate weather, and we all sighed... contentedly. Then... it got hot. Like Africa hot (okay, maybe not THAT hot, but I just like saying that). Like 90 degrees F hot. Hmmm... turn on the AC in April? Okay. I'll bite. A day or two of that, then it hovered around the 70-80 degree F range. That's fine. AC keeps things nice and shuts off when not needed. No prob. Then the temperature dips. WAYYYYY down. Last night, I had to turn on the heater. And turn on the gas fireplace. It was literally freezing. Yes, within a mere week, we have had a SIXTY degree temperature swing. (Actually factually... we've had a sixty degree temp swing between two days before.) So, one day, I'm wearing a skirt and sandals. The next day, I'm wearing a parka. Don't believe me? Bring it on. I'll show you what's what. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Anger-inducing Peeve #5: Gas. Don't even get me started.


Okay, I'm much better now that I got that out of my system. Thanks for tuning in.

Books by Women (meme)

Stole this from Poppy...

Rules: BOLD those you’ve read, ITALICIZE the ones you’ve been meaning to read.

Alcott, Louisa May–Little Women
Allende, Isabel–The House of Spirits
Angelou, Maya–I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Atwood, Margaret–Cat’s Eye
Austen, Jane–Emma
Bambara, Toni Cade–Salt Eaters
Barnes, Djuna–Nightwoodde
Beauvoir, Simone–The Second Sex
Blume, Judy–Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret
Burnett, Frances–The Secret Garden
Bronte, Charlotte–Jane Eyre
Bronte, Emily–Wuthering Heights
Buck, Pearl S.–The Good Earth
Byatt, A.S.–Possession
Cather, Willa–My Antonia
Christie, Agatha–Murder on the Orient Express
Cisneros, Sandra–The House on Mango Street
Clinton, Hillary Rodham–Living History
Cooper, Anna Julia–A Voice From the South
Danticat, Edwidge–Breath, Eyes, Memory
Davis, Angela–Women, Culture, and Politics
Desai, Anita–Clear Light of Day
Dickinson, Emily–Collected Poems
Duncan, Lois–I Know What You Did Last Summer
DuMaurier, Daphne–Rebecca
Eliot, George–Middlemarch
Emecheta, Buchi–Second Class Citizen
Erdrich, Louise–Tracks
Esquivel, Laura–Like Water for Chocolate
Flagg, Fannie–Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
Friedan, Betty–The Feminine Mystique (I think I did, and I know I plan to re-read it)
Frank, Anne–Diary of a Young Girl
Gilman, Charlotte Perkins–The Yellow Wallpaper
Gordimer, Nadine–July’s People
Grafton, Sue–S is for Silence
Hamilton, Edith–Mythology
Highsmith, Patricia–The Talented Mr. Ripley
Hooks, Bell–Bone Black
Hurston, Zora Neale–Dust Tracks on the Road
Jacobs, Harriet–Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl
Jackson, Helen Hunt–Ramona
Jackson, Shirley–The Haunting of Hill House
Jong, Erica–Fear of Flying
Keene, Carolyn–The Nancy Drew Mysteries (any of them)
Kidd, Sue Monk–The Secret Life of Bees
Kincaid, Jamaica–Lucy
Kingsolver, Barbara–The Poisonwood Bible
Kingston, Maxine Hong–The Woman Warrior
Larsen, Nella–Passing
L’Engle, Madeleine–A Wrinkle in Time
Le Guin, Ursula K.–The Left Hand of Darkness
Lee, Harper–To Kill a Mockingbird
Lessing, Doris–The Golden Notebook
Lively, Penelope–Moon Tiger
Lorde, Audre–The Cancer Journals
Martin, Ann M.–The Babysitters Club Series (I think only one of them, though)
McCullers, Carson–The Member of the Wedding
McMillan, Terry–Disappearing Acts
Markandaya, Kamala–Nectar in a Sieve
Marshall, Paule–Brown Girl, Brownstones
Mitchell, Margaret–Gone with the Wind
Montgomery, Lucy–Anne of Green Gables
Morgan, Joan–When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost
Morrison, Toni–Song of Solomon
Murasaki, Lady Shikibu–The Tale of Genji
Munro, Alice–Lives of Girls and Women
Murdoch, Iris–A Severed Head
Naylor, Gloria–Mama Day
Niffenegger, Audrey–The Time Traveller’s Wife
Oates, Joyce Carol–We Were the Mulvaneys
O’Connor, Flannery–A Good Man is Hard to Find
Piercy, Marge–Woman on the Edge of Time
Picoult, Jodi–My Sister’s Keeper
Plath, Sylvia–The Bell Jar
Porter, Katharine Anne–Ship of Fools
Proulx, E. Annie–The Shipping News
Rand, Ayn–The Fountainhead
Ray, Rachel–365: No Repeats (actually, my husband wants this one)
Rhys, Jean–Wide Sargasso Sea
Robinson, Marilynne–Housekeeping
Rocha, Sharon–For Laci
Sebold, Alice–The Lovely Bones
Shelley, Mary–Frankenstein
Smith, Betty–A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Smith, Zadie–White Teeth
Spark, Muriel–The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
Spyri, Johanna–Heidi
Strout, Elizabeth–Amy and Isabelle
Steel, Danielle–The House
Tan, Amy–The Joy Luck Club
Tannen, Deborah–You’re Wearing That
Ulrich, Laurel–A Midwife’s Tale
Urquhart, Jane–Away
Walker, Alice–The Temple of My Familiar
Welty, Eudora–One Writer’s Beginnings
Wharton, Edith–Age of Innocence
Wilder, Laura Ingalls–Little House in the Big Woods
Wollstonecraft, Mary–A Vindication of the Rights of Women
Woolf, Virginia–A Room of One’s Own

I've read more than I thought I did... plus there are some that I might have read and just don't remember. I read so much when I was young (Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, etc.), that I'm really appreciating re-reading them with an adult perspective.

Cat's away... the mouse will play...

My husband went on a golf trip. He left Saturday and will return Friday.

Let me repeat. He went on a golf trip... WITHOUT ME. I love to golf. *sniffle, sob*

So, here is a list of things I've considered doing while he's gone:

1. Go to Chipotle as often as I like.... possibly for every meal.
2. Clean our bathroom.
3. Have friends over for apple-baked brie, crackers, and tea.
4. Have friends over for margaritas instead.
5. Watch Dear Frankie-- since I've had it from NetFlix for about 3 months, and he never wants to watch it with me.
6. Go on an evening photo tour.
7. Take up the entire bed when I sleep (since he's so much bigger than I am, I usually only get 1/88th of the bed) and use ALL his pillows in addition to mine.
8. Camp out in the family room with my girls.
9. Eat ice cream in bed.
10. Watch Will & Grace, Lifetime movies, and every other tv show he hates.
11. Invite some hottie masseuse over for the backrub that I've needed for so long.
12. Party with the neighbors.
13. Crank up some angry girl music, and sing and dance all over the house.
14. Take a long, hot bubble bath.
15. Miss him.

Some of these things I've already done in the last two days. Some of them I might do. Some of them I won't do... but they're fun to think about. ;-)

Friday Why Files...

WHY #1. MSNBC's report titled, "Beware the door-to-door free breast exam guy."

Okay, so some guys are now slapping the foreheads, muttering, "Why didn't I think of that?"

But that's not the reason for adding this article. If you read through it, you'll find that two women, in their 30s, let this guy in and BELIEVED him. No ID. No proof of anything. He's some old, white-haired pervert who claimed to be a doctor. And they bought it. Huh? Wha? Sorry... if any guy knocks on my door with a free offer to examine "the ladies"-- I'm calling the cops.

WHY #2. WHY would anyone want to be a stripper?!?! I don't know whom I believe in the Duke LaCrosse players/stripper rape case. I'm not taking sides. I'm not blaming strippers who are victims of senseless crimes because of their chosen profession or lifestyle. What I really want to know is simply... why would anyone choose to be a stripper? Seriously. Unless you have major exhibitionist issues, why would you choose that "profession?" I know there's money involved. Many women who choose that path say that they are forced to do it to support themselves. Funny. Anytime I've ever been out of a job, I've never had to resort to stripping for cash. I've worked some less than satisfactory jobs... but stripping was never one of them.

Sidenote: One of my bosses in a previous job did offer me $1000 to dance in my underwear on a bar table. He actually had the cash with him and put it on the table. I said no. What I should have done was to sue his ass.

WHY #3.
Why is Kellie Pickler still on American Idol? Sure, she has a great, heartwrenching backstory. She's cute and perky. But she does not have the caliber of voice to win this contest... that is, if America has its head on straight.
Photo credit: MTV



WHY #4. Big-screen version of the immensely popular TV show, Dallas-- is this necessary? Maybe. But the casting?

CNN Entertainment reports that John Travolta will play JR Ewing, and Jennifer Lopez will play his wife, Sue Ellen.

Are you kidding me?!?! Here's how I envision a scene between these two (WARNING! If you under the age of 35 or have never watched Welcome Back, Kotter on Nick at Nite, please stop reading here).

Sue Ellen: Ohmigod, baby! You've been shot!
JR: Who?
Sue Ellen: You! Can't you see it? Wait. Let me move my beautiful booty out of the way. There... can't you see it?
JR: What?
Sue Ellen: Your gunshot wound! Wow. There are a lot of rumors going around about me right now. People say I like to get married a lot. But, I'm telling you, I didn't do this! Hmmm... who WILL I marry after you die?
JR: Where?
Sue Ellen: Oh, it's right THERE. In your gut. Here, let me help you up.
JR: Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I spend a long time on my hair and he hit it; he hit my hair.
Sue Ellen: Who hit your hair? What are you talking about? You're impossible! I'm leaving for a meeting with my agent to see if this film can possibly help people forget that I was in that turkey, Gigli.

This concludes this week's Friday Why Files...

For Peebody...

Eye See You.

There... No purple block. Happy now?!?!?

Some people just need to be smacked upside the head...

Quote from Evangeline Lilly (as told to Elle and reported by a MSN Entertainment) about what a burden it is to be beautiful:

"'I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was ugly because of the way men leered and disrespected me, because they assumed things about my mental capacity or my physical willingness based on the way I look,' the "Lost" star laments."

Hmmmm... what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. SHUT THE HELL UP! Guess what? Life's tough. Even for the beautiful people. If that's the worst thing you ever have to deal with, count yourself lucky. What she doesn't mention are all the advantages she's had BECAUSE of her looks.

I have big boobs. Most guys don't know my eye color. Wah! I wish I were flat so men would respect my mind. WAH! WAH! Oh, yeah. Wait. No I don't. Because I'm not a PSYCHO!

What a fooking baby. Get a life, Evangeline.

What to do with Tax Return Money...

Since the Farm Boy is in his first full year of self-employment, we filed separately this year.... which only means good things for me! Can you say "RETURN, baby?!?!" That's right. A BIIIGGG one.

So... what should I do with my tax return money? There are the responsible things of course:

a) save it
b) hold some back, in case Farm Boy owes more than he thinks he actually does
c) there is a child going to college in less than 1.5 years. It might be smart to start that college fund about now. (ha!)
d) donate some to charity
e) give some money to my siblings (aka charity)
f) did I mention "save it?"


Or... I could do what I really, REALLY want:

a) buy that Nikon D200 camera I've had my eye on (my uncle brought his with him on Easter... I was soooooooooo jealous!)

b) buy a lower-priced camera and then go clothes shopping

c) take my aunt to a day spa (actually, I'm doing this no matter what. She just finished her last round of radiation treatment. Remission City! So, this automatically goes on the list!)

d)ROAD TRIP!


If I'm smart (which I like to think I am), I'll save most of it, and spend SOME of it. Gah. Decisions, decisions.

Saturday Random Musings...

... since I did Why Files on Friday, I'll just share a few random thoughts with you on Saturdays. That is, of course, assuming I can be consistent for more than a week. Ha. Good luck with that.


1. Yay! It's Saturday. This is my favorite day of the week.

2. Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate. If you don't, Happy Sunday tomorrow. :-)

3. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs will be here next Tuesday. Think I can get tickets? Probably not. Meh.

4. I'm applying for a new position at work. It's okay to mention it here, because everyone at work, including my immediate supervisor, knows about it. So, technically, I'm not breaking the First Commandment of Blogging (thanks for the reminder, Jurgen!). Or maybe I am, but it's okay. I shouldn't get in trouble for this, right? No doocing, please.

I'm really excited about it, because it would be a new challenge even though I'd still be working with mostly the same people. I have no idea if I'll get the job or not, but the whole process should be fun just to shake things up.

5. We will be kidless for Easter. My kids will be with their dad, and my step-kids will be with their mom. :-( I don't like it when our kids aren't with us for holidays. Boo.

6. I love Carlos Mencia. If you haven't seen his Drive By Shooting School, you MUST.

7. If you read anything about Omaha in the papers or online possibly at CNN, please realize that only SOME people in Omaha are stupid. Not of all of us, m'kay?

8. Ben & Jerry's Lowfat Cherry Garcia... nectar of the gods. Enough said.

The Friday Why Files.... Vol. 1, Issue 1

WHY #1

Couple admits to lying about multiple births as scam for raising money.

WHY #2

Why do singers who can't sing try to act when they can't act either? Case in point:



For that matter, why don't actors who CAN act and who CAN sing... sing more often?
Case in point:


WHY #3

I was a teacher for six years. I taught 7-12 graders (ages 12-19). NEVER was I once even remotely attracted to any of my students. They were my STUDENTS. Did I stress that enough? They were my STUDENTS!!! When I started teaching, I was only 23. For those of you struggling with the math, that means I was only 4 years older than some of the kids I taught. Still... not for one second, did I ever think of dating one of my students. As far as I was concerned, they were all just a bunch of kids. I was the adult. That's all there was.

So... my "WHY" is .... why are so many teachers having sex with students children????
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!

Stupid Teacher #1
Stupid Teacher #2
Stupid Teacher #3
Stupid Teacher #4

The saddest thing to report is that there are so many more... but I'm not going to list them all here. It would be bigger than most of our blogs put together. Excuse me... I need to go vomit now.

WHY #5

Woman fakes her own death to avoid paying traffic tickets/fines.


This concludes today's WHY FILES.

Another guessing game...

... the one where you guess what's in this picture:


a) the arm of some crack whore who wandered into my house

b) my new tattoo

c) the result of getting blood drawn today

d) further evidence that I need to get out into the sun more often

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

Some days, it's just too much to be the enigma that is La Grumpy. I'm in such a funk, and I just hate that. If I could blast up the workouts, maybe I could get more endorphins going... but alas, I cannot. I have to stick with simple stretches everyday, and 15 minutes of walking in a pool twice a week. Gah.

PMS doesn't help matters. Neither does the recent insomnia.

So, I'm trying to inundate my brain with happy thoughts. At the moment, I'm very tempted to go for a little retail therapy. Luckily for my bank account, I'm at work and can't leave. I have learned it is very unwise for me to shop when I'm feeling a little depressed. The resulting euphoria is always amazing, but very short-lived. Especially once I see my credit card amounts... that I'm trying to keep down anyway.

One thing that I am doing is listening to my Happy/Upbeat Mix on my Nano. These songs all have a happy-ish theme, and/or are somewhat up tempo. Some of them make me feel happy because of the lyrics; others, because of the music. Some even because of the memories they bring to me. What I'm finding, though, is that the majority of tunes in my "library" are a lot of sad songs, or relaxing songs, or "deep" songs. But not a lot of really, good happy tunes. (I do have more on CD, I'm sure... I just haven't had the time to get them all on the Nano.)

So help me friends! Suggestions? I'm listing some of the songs I have on the mix. If you have a song you think belongs on this list, send it my way.

Partial list (in no particular order):
The Beach Boys: Little Deuce Coupe
The Beatles: Here Comes The Sun and All You Need Is Love
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell: Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
The Wonders: That Thing You Do
The Proclaimers: 500 Miles
Roy Orbison: You Got It
Barry Manilow: Daybreak (If you make fun of this one, I will teach you about pain)
Belle & Sebastian: Funny Little Frog
Diamond Rio: That’s How Your Love Makes Me Feel
Fastball: You’re An Ocean
James Taylor: Your Smiling Face
Stevie Wonder: Sir Duke
Toby Keith: Who’s Your Daddy (this one is an inside joke with the hubby)
Thelonius Monk: Straight, No Chaser
ELO: All Over The World and Rock and Roll Is King
Elton John: Philadelphia Freedom and Crocodile Rock
Over The Rhine: Lookin’ Forward
Tom Petty: American Girl and I Won’t Back Down
Hairspray soundtrack (Original cast)

It's Spring! Break out the long underwear and mittens...

Well, things are starting to really warm up here in the Midwest. This week, our temps will stay in the mid-70s F (around 24 degrees C). In fact, that is a bit warm for April, but we're not complaining. It's beautiful outside, and everyone has spring fever.

WHICH MEANS....

It's now necessary to wear a parka in my office. Go figure. All winter long, the average office temp was 85 degrees F (29 C). No lie. I walked around in thin cotton blouses and skirts in the office, and then bundled up to go outside where the average was around freezing. If it's cold outside, the office will feel like an oven.

Now that it's warming up outside, the office will be freezing. Arctic. Polar-like. My fingernails are blue as I'm typing this (I'd take a photo of them, but I left my camera at home. Gah!). The average office temp now will hover between 60 and 65 degrees F (15-18 C). On top of my spring outfit today, I'm wearing a very dorky cardigan that I keep in my office just for warmth. As soon as I need to leave the office, I will shed the sweater and go outside to revel in the sun and warmer temps.

I think I need to find a job where I can work from my bed. I'll buy one of those princess phones and call everyone "DAH-ling." I will wear long, silk nighties with fabulous, luxurious robes all day long. I'll drink mimosas all morning and nibble on bon bons delivered by my manservant (who looks surprisingly like the Farm Boy). For lunch, a cart will be rolled in with a delectable assortment of fruits, veggies, salads, Chipotle burritos, and cheesecakes. The princess phone will be ringing non-stop, because everyone who's anyone will want a piece of my time and attention.

... And when the pink-striped pigs start flying right outside my window... I'll wake up and realize that I'm drooling on my keyboard. I've fallen asleep at work due to the fact that I couldn't sleep last night. And it's still cold. Bleh.

Maybe he's on to something there...

My tummy hurts. Bad.

It's hurt all day long.

I get lots of tummy aches!

The Farm Boy RARELY has tummy aches.

But... he is also a smelly boy. A smelly boy who passes gas literally all the time. Whenever. Wherever. If five minutes has gone by, you can bet your bottom dollar that he has farted somewhere within that time frame.

I, on the other hand, am a delicate flower of a lady. Ladies do no such thing.

And so... my tummy hurts. Gah.

Just a thought...

Watching your favorite hockey team lose... not a good time.

Watching your favorite hockey team lose while sitting with a bunch of hammered Canadians... definitely a good time, eh! Beauty!

I'm baaaaaack...

We're back home... did a lot of errand running yesterday, spending time with the family, etc., which meant no time for Bloggyland. But I'm back. :-)

In our 48 hour whirlwind tour of Chicago, here are a few things we did:

* arrived at O'Hare at 7:30am.
* walked around Chicago like zombies for 3 hours until our room at the Hard Rock Hotel was ready. Thank you God for the Corner Bakery.
* ate at Bennigans.
* rode in too many taxis.
* watched a hockey game.
* ordered room service.
* slept late.
* strolled along Michigan Avenue.
* ate at the Cheesecake Factory (aka Grumpy's Nirvana).
* saw Chicago from Big John. And I'm deathly afraid of heights. I couldn't even go all the way up to the windows. C'mon! 94 stories!!! I'm dizzy just thinking about it.
* shopped at Water Tower Place.
* spent a crapload of money.
* went to the Shedd Aquarium. Watched beluga whale training. LOVE beluga whales!!!
* had a drink at the Hard Rock.
* ate dinner at the airport.
* flew through a nasty storm in a commuter jet. Didn't puke, but the guy behind me did.
* arrived home at 11:45pm.
* waited over an hour for luggage to arrive two flights later.
* drove home and finally went to bed around 1:30am.

... and if you were the person who called my cell phone at 8:30 am that morning and then hung up (assuming it was a wrong number), I HATE YOU.

There was a Chipotle a half a block from our hotel. Farm Boy said we couldn't eat there, because we needed to do something DIFFERENT for a change. Arrrgggh.

So, that was my trip. Not very eventful. Steven Tyler and David Bowie were pieces of art in our room. In fact, David Bowie watched me shower a couple of times. Cheeky!! Oh, baby! Just you shut your mouth!

Guess where I am right now...

I am on Michigan Avenue in the Apple store. :-)

Life is good again...

Same lighting... but the second pic (taken just minutes ago) is ever so MUCH better!!!

(like the dirty shower in the background? oops... forgot to pull the shower curtain behind me. Oh, well!)

*breathes a huge sigh of relief and gets ready to go to Chicago tomorrow!*

Why is this such a big deal?

Thanks to everyone for all the encouraging comments while I deal with something so superficial, yet also seemingly painful. I guess this whole "hair" thing should be a lesson in vanity for me. I rarely leave the house without making sure that I look "presentable."

My goal in appearance is not to try to "look hot" or to be some stupid bimbo. That is the last thing I want to do, because I'm the first person to rage against that mentality or lack thereof (read here: Paris, Britney, Jessica, Lindsay... you get the picture). Jurgen has already covered this rant... and quite eloquently, I might add... so I don't need to go into it again.

I do, however, want to feel I look my best when I go out... not so I can be a "head-turner," but so that I feel good about myself. Mostly, I just want to dress appropriately for my age and look nice. I already have a hot husband*. If he thinks I look good, that's good enough for me.

So, since the hair highlighting nightmare from Saturday, I've been so upset... so much so, that I think I missed the lesson in all of this. Until now.

My hair is not neon green. It isn't completely shaved off. It's just DIFFERENT. It doesn't change who I am... I'm still me. And this is totally fixable. By tomorrow noon, I'll be back to normal. But the bigger issue is that this little episode is not the end of the earth. I have a wonderful family, a nice home, food in my house, and money in the bank. If the worst thing that happens to me this year is that I got bad highlights, my life must be pretty damn good.

So no more whining about hair color. Unless they screw it up again tomorrow... and then I'll just have something more to blog about. ha ha ;-)

**Not only is the Farm Boy super hot, he's also intelligent, a good dad, and an all-around good guy. I'm so LUCCCCKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

This blonde does not have more fun...

Warning: girlie-ish post ahead...

I think I posted somewhere before about my stylist jumping ship and moving to another salon... and that this new salon is far away and extremely inconvenient. So, I stayed at my current salon and went with a new stylist.

Ladies, we know about our relationships with stylists. I don't know if most guys can relate... maybe some of you can. But, the relationship you have with your stylist is almost more important than a marriage. Of course, I'm saying this a little tongue-in-cheek, but I almost mean it for real. For MEGA REALZ. (okay, I just said that because I miss LA and Junk-Feud).

So, after six years of finding someone who really KNOWS how I like my hair, I'm just giving up and going to another stylist for my driving convenience. (Danger, danger, Will Robinson!) I've been to the new girl twice now. She does a great job of cutting, even though she doesn't style it exactly the way I like it. But so far, it's been okay. Yesterday, I went in for highlights. (Red alert!)

Usually, I get highlights and lowlights. I am a brunette, and as I've gotten older, I've taken my natural hair color a little lighter. This disguises the greys that are ever-multiplying, and I don't look all mousey brown. It's worked. I've been doing this since I was 30. I never colored my hair before the age of 30, but it's gone well the last seven years.

The highlights have been a very light brown... or dark blonde, if you will. The lowlights tend to be in the auburn family. It has worked very nicely, thank you very much. I've been happy.

Yesterday, new stylist girl tells me that previous stylist girl took all my info with her when she moved salons. So... there are no cards listing the exact formula of highlights/lowlights. I'm like... okay. We can "punt" here, right?

New stylist girl: "It's spring now... are you thinking of going a little lighter than what you already have?"

Me: "Sure... nothing drastic... just a little lighter. "

New stylist girl: "Do you want both highlights and lowlights, or do you want to go with a nice blended highlight only?"

Me (feeling brave): "Let's just do highlights today, I guess. That would be fine."

So, we do the highlights. In the salon, it looks okay. I go out to my car... in the sunlight...

Me: "Wow. This is a little blonder than I thought. Hmmm..."

Then I drive three hours to watch my oldest daughter and her school chums perform in some competition. The whole drive up, I keep telling my mom, who made the trip with me... "I'm just not sure about this." When we arrive at our destination, I run into people I know. Strange looks from adults. Many of my daughter's friends tell me that they like the new hair change. Teenagers complimenting me. I'm still unsure. Then I finally get a chance to talk to my daughter.

Daughter: "Oh my God, mom! What did you do to your hair?"

This was not said in a surprised and approving tone. It sounded more like sheer horror.

So, here are some before and after shots... the first one is about 4 years ago. The second was last Thanksgiving. The third one is today. :-(




HELL NO. So, now... I have to make an appointment tomorrow to get this fixed. I don't have anything against blondes... I'm just not one. My complexion does not work with blonde hair. Arrrgggh!!!

**UPDATE: I'm going in on Tuesday morning to have them fix it. For free. YAY!

Random Friday Reveries...

1. Last week, we had over a foot of snow dumped on us. For two days, it was snow, snow, snow. THIS week, we've had temps in the 60-70 degree F (15-21 C) range. So you know what that means... yes, tornadoes. Good thing they tested the warning sirens the day before! Also, it meant spending 30 minutes in a shelter area until the warnings were over. At work. Bleh.

2. Could I BE any less enthused for the opening night of Basic Instinct 2? If I hear one more tv personality tell Sharon Stone how great she looks, I'm going to barf.

Do you hear that Sharon Stone? That is the sound of your career waning away, because you refuse to find roles for SOMEONE YOUR AGE.* You are almost 50. Act it, for God's sake! You are not an ingenue anymore (not that you ever were really naive or innocent, though). The "vixen" role over the age of 50 is still very much owned by one Miss Joan Collins... so give us all a break, okay?!?

3. Had lunch with my mom and my one-year-old nephew today. A pair of bright blue baby eyes always make you feel like life is good.

4. I know there is a logical (although that point may be argued) reason for Daylight Savings Time. However, I am not holding anything back when I say that it TOTALLY SUCKS. I have enough trouble with my sleeping habits. Throwing me off an hour twice a year is just stupid ('cause it's all about me, right?!?). Plus, tomorrow afternoon, I will be driving to South Dakota for a school activity. At the end of the activity, we will leave South Dakota around 11-11:30pm. By the time we arrive back home, it will be about 2am. But... that's when Daylight Savings Time begins. SO, it will technically be 3am. GAH! Do we really need to keep doing this?

5. Funniest quote I heard today-- "Advice to prospective applicants for Naomi Campbell's new personal assistant: #1) Don't work for Naomi Campbell. #2) Especially don't work for Naomi Campbell if she has a cell phone in her hand." What a crazy bitch. How many times does she get to do this... and get away with it?

6. Someone at work keeps turning my wee little garden gnome around on my desk so that he can't see. WTF?

7. Our Chicago trip itinerary is almost 100% ready. Google Earth is ever so helpful! [wonders if the Farm Boy knows how much shopping he is going to endure?]

8. I'm in such a good mood today. "Spring Break" commences at 5pm today. I don't work at all next week (WOOT!). I'm listening to a little Electric Light Orchestra today-- Don't bring me down, no, no, no, no, noooooo! How could I possibly be in a bad mood? And, there's a hockey game tonight. Yeah, it's just all good. :-)

Happy Friday!



*Yes, I know. Roles for women over 40 are definitely hard to come by. BUT... if she keeps uncrossing her legs, she's not going to find any good roles anyway.

Gee... what a surprise (mild sarcasm)...

Poppy posted this, so I just had to steal it. I'm a total nerd. And I'm cool with that.

Pure Nerd 95 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 21% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd. The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful. Congratulations! Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

Frustration...

I don't have a lot of time to do this today. Going to a conference, so I'll be away from blogland for most of the day (withdrawals will commence around 9am CST, I'm sure).

My frustration level is about terror level orange right now. No, maybe it's red. I don't know. All I know is this totally sucks.

I have been SOOOO good about eating well. I don't consume more than 1200 calories a day (yes, even on days when I go to Chipotle). I haven't eaten a doughnut in over a year, I think. I stay away from horribly fattening things... and when I DO indulge, I usually share a dessert with my husband. That funnel cake I blogged about a while back (not enough time to find the link)... haven't had one since.

I'm working out intensely 2 days a week with a physical therapist for an hour and 15 minutes, and doing home exercises every other day of the week. Because of back problems, I'm not allowed to work out like I used to... and that includes walking on a treadmill... for now. I'm getting better, so that's just temporary. But the home exercises are Pilates and other similar types, so they're effective. Heart rate is up during exercise time, and muscles are getting work.

So, I'm starting to feel better anyway. But have I lost any weight. Nooooooooooooooooooooo... I'VE GAINED TWO LBS.

This TOTALLY sucks.

My husband says, "it's muscle weight." Whatever. You can tell me that all you want, but when my freaking clothes don't fit, IT'S A PROBLEM. Plain and simple.

So, now I'm depressed... and angry. Grrr!

Yay! It's here, it's here, it's HERE!!!

My Chipotle t-shirt arrived today! WOOOOOOT!!!

Here I am, dancing and showing some attitude (singing, "I have a new Chipotle shirt, and you don't!") in front of the piano. I think I could have bought a smaller size, though. I could basically wear this as a dress and NOT get arrested.

Yes, it's a horrible picture, but a) I didn't take it, and b) I had to crop the hell out of it.

Want to order one for yourself? Go here. I also bought my baby nephew a bib... there are a few cute items for sale. Go see. :-)

No, it's not lice. And no, it's not fleas...

I need some help, friends. This is driving me crazy.

Very recently, my scalp has started to hurt. Not all over... just in certain places: small sections starting just a little past the temples, one spot right at the crown, and two other spots, just right and left of the back center of my head.

I have never had dandruff. I haven't changed hair products. I haven't recently had my hair dyed.

It started off as just somewhat itchy. And I've noticed that there are areas where I feel like there are scabs (sorry, it's not as gross as it sounds). There is no oozing or anything that would make me feel like there's an infection or even in-grown hairs. Now, it doesn't itch anymore. It BURNS. My scalp feels like it's on fire. En fuego!

I haven't called my doctor yet, but I tried to do a little searching online. The only thing I can find short of psoriasis is the same blasted excuse I've found for everything else that has gone wrong with my health the last few years: STRESS.

Please, PLEASE someone tell me that you have either heard of or experienced something like this... and that stress is not the cause. Because, short of quitting my job which is not an option but you already knew that, there's not going to be a lot of stress relief in my life for at least a few more months.

The one and only variable within the last few weeks is that I have started Aquatic Therapy. BUT... before you go all "A-Hah!" on me, Watson... I never put my head in the water. My hair never touches the water. In fact, I'm only in water up to my shoulders. The water is highly chlorinated, but it doesn't reach to my scalp. Is there such a thing as chlorine vapors that could be doing this? (yeah, it's late, and I can't sleep because my scalp hurts... and I'm stupid right now. Sue me.)

I'm interested to hear if any of you have heard of something like this... thanks for playing.

Guess what???

Fun with Fortunes...

Jege posted a fun place to play.



make your own

Random Friday musings while working a half day (woot!)...

1. It's amazing how elevated one's mood can be when one only has to work half a day. I should do this all year long! Well, as long as they still pay me for full days. heh heh

2. Have you seen those animated ads online for Lamisil? You know the ones where they show that nasty little digger creature that is to represent the fungus that grows under your nails? AND... they show, in ANIMATION, the toe nail lifting up from the top of the toe? *cue nausea*

May I please beg someone to stop these ads? They appear everywhere, and they aren't even pop ups I can block. Imagine opening your email or some news site, and BAM! There goes that toe nail. Owie, owie, OWIE. If you've ever injured your toe and had the toenail come off, you can imagine the pain involved. And now, every time I see that ad, I relive the pain. And it makes me gag. Literally.

3. The Today show did a segment on a real-life Mrs. Doubtfire yesterday morning, but I missed most of it... and I can't find the story online ANYWHERE. I will dedicate an entire post (read here: a significant holla singing your detective skills prowess) to whomever can provide me a link to read about this. MSNBC doesn't have it anywhere on their site.

4. I have resorted to listening to a cheesy pop song EVERY morning that, for some reason unbeknownst to me (or anyone else for that matter), puts me in a GOOD mood. So for the sake of all humankind, I listen to it over and over and over again. And it's working. What's worse... it's in Mandarin Chinese, and I haven't learned all the words yet. So I can't even sing along to the whole thing. Arrrgh. But the operative phrase is: IT'S WORKING!

5. Nabbalicious briefly mentioned encounters (or "non-encounters") with stalkers. That reminded me of the time I had a stalker.

I used to be a corporate end-user application trainer. So, in the course of two years, I had trained 1000+ people in and around the city where I worked. Occasionally, we'd get what we called "training groupies," people who liked to hang around and talk after the training session... and who would also sign up for anything and everything we taught. One groupie became a little obsessive with me. And it was scaaaaaaaarrryyyy! He worked for a company that shall remain nameless (but it's responsible for little blue pills for men and little pink pills for those who have allergies). I trained there a lot, and he took a lot of my classes.

Soon, I noticed a strange car in our office parking lot. It was there every morning when I came in to work, and it was there every evening when I left. Someone was always sitting in the car, too. I didn't really pay much attention to it, until an office mate noticed WHO it was. It was the groupie. A few days after that, flower deliveries came to my desk every day for a month. A MONTH! I was getting really scared, and of course, the police wouldn't do anything. I ignored this guy whenever I went to his company to train, and we started sending different trainers if he registered for one of my classes. One guy I worked with also went out to our parking lot one day to tell him he was trespassing. I think he threatened him a little, too. After that, he just disappeared, and I never saw him again.

That was 6 years ago, but it still creeps me out a little. And that's probably why I'll never post my picture in any of my posts. Ya never know who's lurking...

Okay... that was not a good way to end a Friday post! So, HAPPY FRIDAY everyone!

I feel so much better today...

1. Yesterday is history. (yay)

2. I had the usual at Chipotle last night and ate 90% of my burrito. That's good enough. It counts. Woo hoo!

3. I just bought something SO INCREDIBLY COOL! As soon as it arrives, I will take its picture and post it. I can't wait... I'm almost going to spill the beans! heh heh

4. It is nearly impossible to buy a CD in the US (or even an MP3) for that matter if it's not an American artist or a "World Music" type of thing. If I want to buy a CD of a Chinese pop singer, Russian rock group, or an Australian band, it's nearly freaking impossible. Of course, if you go to a website in one of those countries that are not English-speaking* (especially China and Russia), you can't even fake your way through the language. ARRRGGGHHH! Anyone know of a TRULY international website in English? *sidenote: I actually can figure out the patterns in the symbols and find the tune(s) that I want, but I can't read the rest of it.

5. I haven't read blogs in almost two days. I think I'm going through withdrawals. Two bad those withdrawals don't result in extreme weight loss. ;-)

Tomorrow is Friday, PLUS... I only work half a day. Things are truly looking up. :-)

Why even bother...

Today was just a shitty, SHITTY day. And that's all I have to say about that.

Snow Day #2... and daytime TV still sucks.

Quick notes from a fairly boring day...

1. I slept through the Today show this morning. You know how sometimes, when you sleep with the TV on, the people on TV are in your dreams? And now, you know where this is leading. My dream was a nightmare. Katie Couric and her freaky lip-linered lips were chasing me, and hollering something about the president. I woke up in a cold sweat... and changed the channel immediately.

2.Jonathan of Bravo's Blow Out is a pyscho. Why does this guy have his own TV show? "I live for hair." That's his motto. And he's straight. With a SUPER-SIZED ego. Ick. Non-stop commercials for this guy today. Double ICK.

3. I've been suckered into watching Celebrity Poker Showdown. I like playing Texas Hold'Em, but I don't care to watch the World Poker Tour or anything else remotely poker-ish on TV. But the TV has been stuck on Bravo (for some reason I can't explain), and I'm doing laundry. If I change the channel to some movie On Demand, I'll stop doing laundry. I'm just weird like that. So, poker it is.

Celebrity Poker cast today (it's a repeat): Wanda Sykes, Travis Tritt, Rosario Dawson, Jerome "The Bus" Bettis, and Mena Suvari. Wanda Sykes is hilarious as usual. Mena Suvari looks like a china doll. How do I get skin like that?!?!?


Oh, my good GOD. The hottie server girl that usually delivers the drinks to the celeb poker table.... just turned into a hottie guy. Wow. Wanda Sykes just lost all focus. He is wearing skin tight leather pants just below the hip bone. Oh my. At this point, I turn the channel over until the hottie guy is gone. (not really, I just said that for the Farm Boy's benefit... in case he's reading this).

4. Okay, enough of this. I have a load of jeans in the washer, and the girls are clamoring to get out of the house for a little while. Hopefully, my loser cruiser can make it through all the snow, so we can venture out for a bit of lunch. I plan on taking the camera with me to capture all the lovely snow sights along the way.

Spring is upon us...

... and, as usual, it delivers a crushing blow. How, you ask? By hiding behind a blanket, no a fluffy ONE FOOT down comforter of snow. Bah. At least we'll have snow days... probably two of them.





Photo from the Omaha World-Herald.

Begorra! It's Random St. Patrick's Day musings...

1. Tonight, while most of the country is pouring greenish alcohol down their throats and dancing a wee little jig, I'll be sitting in an auditorium watching a high school musical. And oddly enough... I'm okay with that.

2. Do I really care if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married this weekend or not? Hmmm... NOPE.

3. Why would I EVER stop reading Jurgen Nation?

4. Every now and then, you just have to say "WTF", dish out some precious dinero, and take a trip to get the hell out of Dodge. We (Farm Boy and I) are going to do it, even if it's only for two days. Two weeks... and we're outta here.

5. Happy St. Patrick's Day, y'all.

Gabrielle made me do it...

Gabrielle tagged me. Because, and ONLY because she is living my fantasy life over in Paris, I will oblige...


Four movies you would watch over and over:
The Princess Bride (duh)
Overboard (Ya gotta know you were in the navy!)
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (You ain’t bona fide!)
Napoleon Dynamite (‘cause I have a crush on Kip)

Four places you have lived:
Hmmm… this is a hard one.

Nebraska (Omaha)
Nebraska (Lincoln)
Nebraska (Nebraska City)
Nebraska (Omaha again)
*snore* This will change after all the kids are gone.

Four TV shows you love to watch:
The Medium
Ghost Hunters
Miami Ink
Anything on the Discovery Health Channel

Four places you have been on vacation:
Edinburgh, Scotland
London, Cambridge, Oxford, and a few other places in England
Western Caribbean
Southern California

Four websites you visit daily:
All The Cool Kids’ blogs in my sidebar (I know… that’s more than 4)
Google
Hotmail (even though I really should switch to Gmail, but I've had this email addy FOREVER)
Mostly work-related sites (read here: boring)

Four of your favorite foods:
Veggie burritos from Chipotle (duh)
Grilled chicken and spinach salad with feta cheese, cukes, tomatoes, and kalamata olives (mmmmm….)
Amaretto cheesecake
Seafood enchiladas

Four places you would rather be right now:
Drinking chai tea and reading a book in Barnes & Noble
On a golf course with the Farm Boy
On a power walk around a lake
Drinking margaritas with the girls

Four friends you are tagging:
Whoever wants to do it. Most of you already have in one form or the other. (Margus: are you still sore from the last time?)

Creepy guys at the post office...

While at the post office yesterday (sorry, jaek. I didn't actually mail your prize until yesterday. *grovels at your feet*), I stood in line behind what I lovingly call the Postage ATM. I love the Postage ATM because technophobes won't go anywhere near it. That means shorter lines. Woot!

The gentleman in front of me was just finishing up as I walked in. He turned and smiled... initiated some small talk and lingered a little more than my comfort level with strange men would allow. Finally, he left and I started my transaction. I then hear another guy come in behind me... he was on his cell phone, I guessed, as I couldn't actually see him. I could hear him "Mm hmm"ing and "Noooo"ing to the person on the other end of the line. I could also hear him slurping on what I guessed was a piece of candy or something.

After a few seconds, he walks around to my right side and just starts staring at me. He's still on his phone, and now, from the corner of my eye, I can barely make out that he is, in fact, slurping on a lollipop. As I am trying to hurriedly finish my transactions, he's really starting to creep me out! Creepy lollipop guy won't stop STARING at me. So fine. Whatever. I'm a little cute.* But guys do not follow me around post offices as a general rule. I'm really starting to get creeped out, but I have not actually looked up and made eye contact yet.

So, I muster up the courage to return the staring... and hope I can use my most evil, crusty teacher stare to make him go away... and as I look up, I realize .... it's my brother. Laughing. his. ASS. off! I'm acting all weird, and he's been trying to catch my attention for 2 to 3 minutes now.

Yeah. I'm pretty much an idiot.

*I don't really think this about myself, so no lectures on vanity or conceit, please. The Farm Boy, who is a major hottie (and yes, I know he reads this now, but it's still true), does tell me this on occasion.

Tell me something I DON'T know...

MPB linked to this site yesterday. I only like to do the BLOGTHINGs that I find amusing. I found this one to be "post-worthy," mostly because it's dead-on accurate.

You Are 40% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

Random sights...

1. Last night in Wal-Mart (and I NEVER go to Wal-Mart!), left on a checkout counter:

• * 1 bottle of KY Touch Massage Oil in Bali Moonlight scent
• * 1 package of Magnum condoms (size XL)
• * 1 pack of AA batteries

(did they change their minds? Instead of a fun-filled night of massage and power toys, they decided to go home and watch a late night Simpson's rerun?!?)

2. Last night, on HBO's new show, Big Love:

• * Bill Paxton's ass
• * Under cover of a thin blanket, the result of Bill Paxton's character taking Viagra

3. This morning, while walking in front of a mirror:

• * my jiggly ass (what happened back there?!?! I used to have a small hiney!)

4. This morning, while walking through the hallways of an elementary school:

• * the ass crack of some guy filling out a form for his little girl's vision and hearing tests (I tried to look away, but he kept moving right in front of me! I had to walk around this ginormous ass crack!!!)

So... in less than 24 hours, these are the things I've seen. Is someone trying to tell me something?!?

The calm AFTER the storm...

Okay. I'm breathing. In. Out. Slowly. Deep, cleansing breaths.

I wore a heat wrap around my back all night. It doesn't feel better, but it doesn't feel worse either.

I don't feel like strangling anyone right now, so it might be okay to go to work.

Oy. I'm that cranky old lady that used to live down the street. Now she lives in my house. Kim and Whoorl, I think I AM turning into a Golden Girl. (I still get to be Sophia!)

Look out... she's gonna blow...

I'm in such a bad mood all of a sudden. And my day didn't even start off badly at all. But as it wore on... grrr!

1. If you are in a turn lane... a turn lane that has about 50 cars waiting behind you... and the arrow turns green... this is NOT the time to be looking passively around you. Nor is it the time to apply lip gloss. Nor is it the time to be talking to the children in your backseat. Nor is it the time to be CLUELESS. It is the time when you should have your senses so attuned to the timing of that changing light, that you almost seem to accelerate into the turn at the same time the light becomes green. I know. I KNOW. You must be careful that red-light-runners aren't coming in the opposite direction to broadside you. I KNOW! But use the freaking force, Luke... because I am not missing this light due to your inattentiveness!

2. If you feel like going for a peaceful, pleasure ride around the city in your jalopy/Lexus/piece of crap car... just for the heck of it, for the love of all that is holy... please wait until AFTER RUSH HOUR HAS ENDED. Or at least do the speed limit until no one is BEHIND you.

3. If you have been faithfully attending physical therapy sessions to strengthen your pathetic excuse for back muscles... to rid yourself of muscles so tight that they have been, on more than one occasion, likened to stone... and the exercises and aquatic therapy have been WORKING... THEN, when a new PT with a pierced tongue and belly ring asks you if you want to try something a little more advanced... tell the bitch to step off. Because... if you don't... your back will hurt like hell the next day, and you will be a raving lunatic.

Top 5 Favorite* Recent Inventions …

*As I am a fickle being, these are my “favorites” only as of today. Tomorrow, the whole list could change… or stay the same. Who knows! And since I’m pretty sure I’ve posted something similar (and am too lazy to read through all my other posts to find out), I’m posting these now.


In no particular order:

NetFlix—no late fees ever! Sometimes, I hang on to a movie for months at a time and then watch at my own convenience. Many people complain that you don’t get your money’s worth at $19.98 a month. Considering we were paying $40-50 a month in late charges at Blockbuster, I’d say it’s definitely a bargain.

Febreze—if you have kids, dogs, or smelly boys in your house, this is a GODSEND. I especially like the Spring & Renewal fragrance right now. I use the fabric refresher and the air effects. That’s enough for me.

Apple’s iPod and iTunes—I am one of those suckers who will buy an entire CD because of one song I really, really love. Then either I get stuck with 12+ other songs I don’t like… or on the rare occasions (Fastball), I’ll find an entire CD I like. With my iPod, it doesn’t matter anymore. I can have all my favorite tunes in one place… I don’t have to juggle all those damn jewel cases anymore. Plus, if I want to buy one song or an entire album, iTunes gives me lots of options. And my cute little Nano fits in my purse, my pocket…

Downy Wrinkle Releaser—if you don’t have this product, RUN to the store now and buy it. Besides making your clothes smell Downy fresh, it also really works. Now, obviously, you can’t spray it on every fabric. But if you have a mental block against ironing jeans… or you’re just too lazy… you can “Downy spray” the creases and wrinkles out of your jeans. Or t-shirts. Or sweaters. Or pants. I don’t travel without it. I haven’t touched an iron in at least two years. If I’m not using our steamer, I’m using the Downy spray. Guaranteed.

New Skin Liquid Bandage —This is really a love/hate relationship. On one hand, it’s great for when you wear shoes that rub the back of your heels… if you are proactive, you paint a nice coat of New Skin on the back of your heel prior to wearing evil shoes, et voila! No blisters. If you are REactive, New Skin will still work. It will just sting like hell when you apply it. It’s a good antiseptic, but you pay for it. Trust me. When a 30-something woman is begging for someone to blow on her “ow-ee” because the liquid bandage really stings, you know she’s not lying. Benefit: the stuff stays on. For days. And days.

So, as I said... today, these are my Top 5. Tomorrow my list might include "the salad bar," or "green tea to go"-- you just never know.

What are your Top 5?

I don't wanna work... I just wanna bang on de drum all day...

Friday's Random Musings:

1. I have to stop going to Chipotle so much. I mean, really. I had dinner at Chipotle Monday night (3/6) and lunch there again today (3/10). If I don't slow down, I'm going to get sick of it.

You know how you buy a new tune or CD, and you play it over and over and over again? You listen to it like everyday, all day long. And then something new comes along. And then you've forgotten that last "best tune ever!" I'm afraid that's going to happen to me with Chipotle. 'Cause it is the best burrito place ever. Must pace myself. Oh... and I only ate half the burrito again each time. What a wuss.

2. My desk/cube at work is a mess. Well, an organized mess. I have piles of stuff all over the place. I have three boxes of stuff that I have yet to take to storage. And yet, I wonder... do I really care? Apparently not enough to do anything about it today...

3. Noticing that the two most frequent search engine hits I've received this month are "my thumbs hurts" and "why did Ann Curry cut her hair." At least there wasn't anything about milky pee this time. ;-)

4. Today, my favorite Beatle song is "I Saw Her Standing There." Not the Tiffany version (yuck. I just threw up a little). I can't pick a favorite Beatle song... there are just too many. SO, today it's this one.

5. Farm Boy and I started playing ping pong again at night during the week. Hey, it's better than sitting on our asses watching TV. AND... one hour burns around 236 calories for me and about 345 for him per hour. That totally sucks that he burns more calories than I do. He's already thin. And tall. And I'm short. Plus he always wins. Now that I think of it... ping pong really sucks.

6. I'm tired of working. I just want to stay at home and eat bon bons. Or work out. One of those two. Must be Spring Fever.

Have a great Friday... I'm heading to my massage now. Woot! And then I hope to go out with the Farm Boy and drown myself in margaritas. Mmmmm.

We have a winner....

Congratulations to Jaek who is the winner of the first (annual?) Official Grumpy Frump Trivia Contest!!!

Jaek sent the winning email on March 9, 9:15pm CST... with all answers correct!

The runner-up from yesterday has been disqualified. Husbands who lurk and don't disclose their true identity during the contest cannot be eligible. So, suck on THAT, Farm Boy! (just kidding... I love you. But you're still DQ'd.) Oh, and Jaek still got more answers correct than the Farm Boy. Sweet.

Jaek will be receiving a $25 gift card to Target! Yay, Jaek!

Thanks to everyone who played. You're all the coolest. :-)

Are you talkin' to me? Are YOU talkin' to me?!?

Comments from my last post got me thinking about the impact the entertainment industry really has on us. Think about it... there are probably movie lines or lines from a TV show that have slowly become a part of your everyday vernacular. Most likely, after a time, you may even have forgotten that the line you now use regularly came from a character in some show.

How many times have you had a crazy day, felt completely stressed out, to the point of shrieking, "Serenity NOW!" ??

Have you ever walked up to someone to introduce yourself: "Grumpy Frump. Damn glad to meet you!"

If you're a golfer, have you walked up to the tee box, addressed the ball, muttering, "The crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere..." -- or complimented the tee shot of someone in your foursome with "That's a peach, hon!" (or "Noonan!" or "Be the ball, be the ball" or "Hey! Did someone sit on a duck?!?" I could go forever on this one....)

Guys, have you jumped in a car or on a motorcycle (or any other moving object), and yelled, "I feel the need, the need for speed!" Or ladies, in trying to get your man to leave the bar and come home with you, have you joked, "Hey, Goose! You big stud! Take me to bed or lose me forever!"??

When my husband gives me a bad time, he'll say, "Get back, witch!" To which I'll respond, "I'm not a witch... I'm your wife!" We laugh, the kids roll their eyes... a good time is had by all. Ah, the joys of embarrassing teenagers. But, I digress...

It's not that most people lack original thoughts... or that we can't think of something clever to say. You all prove that you're original and witty in your own postings and comments. Maybe it's a sense of community people tend to feel when they quote something that everybody knows. I don't know, but there's something there.

So, here's your task. In the comments section today, list some of your favorite quotes, especially those that sneak into your everyday conversation. Be sure to include the movie/tv show title, and credit the character who said it.

BTW, it's killing me that I have so MANY quotes that I didn't list. Like about a hundred from Napoleon Dynamite or any of Chandler Bing's lines from Friends, or ... aaauuugggh. Must. Stop.

By request... The Rules...

No, these are not the rules about how to catch a man. Ewww.

These are the rules to the official Grumpy Frump Princess Bride Drinking Game. Actually, now that I think of it, this was the game I played with my husband when we were first dating. And it was the night of our first kiss. So, technically, I bagged my husband using these rules. Hmmmmmm. But I digress...

The official rules state that you must take a drink, equal to one shot, one swig... whatever... each time you hear any of the following, in any order:

1. Vizzini (played by Wallace Shawn) exclaiming, "Inconceivable!"
2. Any utterance of "As you wish."
3. "Hello. You killed my father. Prepare to die." (This one will kick your ASS toward the end of the movie!)
4. Any time Fezzik (Andre the Giant) makes a rhyme ("No more rhymes! I mean it!!" "Anybody want a peanut?")
5. Any time the "Dread Pirate Roberts" is mentioned.

The only other rule is that you have to be of legal drinking age to play. At least, that's a house rule here. If you can still stand by the end of the movie, you win.

The bonus round: You watch the DVD and play, and then watch the bonus features while still playing... if you're still standing, you are a master. Or a raging alcoholic. Take your pick.

Am I a shiny Rome Beauty, or a bruised hybrid rotting on the ground?

How far does the apple really fall from the tree? Because I’m really worried that the tree that produced me is only about 2 feet off the ground.

It’s funny how I can spend time with my parents, siblings, grandparents, and assorted aunts/uncles/cousins… and then realize how nuts we all are. But when you get right down to it, everyone’s family is a little nuts. Seriously, can you think of any of your relatives as 100% normal ALL THE TIME?

Here’s what scares me: I see patterns that are carried from generation to generation in my family. And I don’t like most of those patterns.

Pattern 1: Short fuses

On one side of my family, there are some really short tempers. I mean, SHOOOORRRTTT! When I was a baby, my grandfather put me into my stroller and was about to take me for a walk. As he placed me in the seat, the stroller started to collapse, and it pinched me. Instead of grabbing me out of the seat and calmly consoling me, he picked me up and then hurled the stroller across the street. I’m also pretty certain this was the occasion where I learned to say my first swear words.

My temper is getting the better of me lately. I spent most of yesterday angry, upset, and frustrated… over pretty minor things, too. The rational side of me just gets disgusted with all of it, but it’s like I just can’t get past the anger. It’s pathetic really… and I don’t want to pass this on to my kids. I already see a lot of it in my oldest. Gah.

Pattern 2: An insatiable need to be RIGHT

That Spin Doctors song—“Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”-- I always worry that someone wrote that song about me. Here’s the thing, though. I don’t want to be right so that I can say I’m better than everyone else. I just have to know things. And anyone who doesn’t know what I know… I want to share what I know. Unfortunately, that makes for an insufferable bore (and boor!). And that’s the last thing I want to become.

I notice this trait in some of my family members, and then I wonder, “Do I sound like that?” ACK! Which leads to the next pattern…


Pattern 3: Seeing faults in others, but failing to recognize those very things in one’s own self

Okay, I know that this is often just attributed to the “human condition.” It’s always easier to see someone else’s flaws, but not always easy to see your own. But I admit I’m guilty of this a lot. One of my parents is worse than I am. And the grandparent generation? Hoo, boy. Let’s not even go there.

Pattern 4: Overcompensating for insecurities

Out of all the patterns, I think I deal with this one better than most of my family. At least, I think I do. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses, and I truly attempt to build upon my strengths. Some of my family members come off as complete assholes, because they try to make such good impressions. Instead, people see them as full of themselves. And sometimes, listening to them go on and on and on about what they’re doing and how it’s the greatest thing in the world and nothing on the planet could possibly be better than this… you get the picture. The hard part is that they really don’t have over-inflated egos. They only think they’re hiding behind some armor that is shiny, strong, and makes people go, “WOW.” Again, maybe I’m wearing it, too, but I just can’t see it due to Pattern 3.


The older I get, the more annoyed I get with some of the older family members...because those patterns never go away, and they don’t seem to ease with age. In fact, they just get a lot worse. In trying to be patient with them, that short fuse takes over. Sometimes, it's easier to stay annoyed than to try to understand where people are coming from... and how to help them past whatever issue is causing them to be annoying. But that's not really the high road, nor the right thing to do... is it?

I joke that I’m a Grumpy Frump, but I really don’t want to be that when I grow up. I want to be a nice old lady with a sweet laugh and good memories to share with the grandkids. Oh, and I want a pony, too. :-)

The Friday mix... starring Greg Brady as Johnny Bravo...

Usually, on Fridays, I just run a couple of random thoughts by you and leave it at that. So, that's what I'm going to do. But... ack! It's so late! it's not Friday anymore. Well, I'm going to do it anyway. Yeah, I'm such a revolutionary.

1. I have an extraordinary sense of smell. It's always been hypersensitive, but since I had sinus surgery a year ago... I can't believe how much stronger it is. Actually, it's almost a disadvantage.

Examples:

• * If someone is smoking 100 yards away (about 91.5 meters), I can smell it. And since I'm allergic to smoke, it's a bad thing.
• * When the Farm Boy rolls over while sleeping, and his face is pointed in my general direction, his breath wakes me up. (eek!) Thank goodness for Listerine breath strips, strategically placed on the nightstand. I pop one in his mouth, roll him over, and everyone can go back to sleep. Sweet! Shhh... don't tell. He doesn't even know I do this! HA!
• * If people at work are talking to me from a normal distance (read here: NOT "close talkers"), and they have bad breath... I can't concentrate on what they're saying. And since I'm pretty sure they would notice if I popped a Listerine breath strip into their mouths and would think I'm a total nut, I just suffer through it. How can people NOT know they have bad breath? Blech!

2. I was a little girl in the 70s. Tonight, the infomercial that I've been too lazy to switch off is playing "70s music explosion" (and Greg Brady is shilling for them!), a complete set of 70s hits, all through Time-Life. I must really be waxing nostalgic, because I keep getting distracted by all the songs I know.

"Keep on dancing to the rock and roll, on Saturday night. Saturday night."

"Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life."

"You've blown it all sky high, by telling me a lie, without a reason why."

Okay, so those aren't all the really good ones (well, Saturday Night is!), but I'm actually getting tempted into buying this set! Damn you, Greg Brady! Why are you seducing me so? It's not like I can buy this at Target, either. But 10 CDs, plus two you get for FREE!, cost almost $120. Hmmm... the website says I can pay in "easy installments." Must be strong. Must. Not. Give. In. To. Johnny Bravo.

3. My hockey team won tonight. Oh, and the fights. The fights were outstanding! Start of the third period... the puck drops, and then 4 gloves were on the ice. Ooh! That means a fight for sure!

4. Imagine my shock reading the following headline: Is Whitney Houston Pregnant? Is there any amount of begging that would stop Whitney and Bobby from ever thinking of procreating again!?! But then again, Bobbi Kristina would finally have someone to understand what she's going through.

5. I can't get excited for the Oscars. I just don't care anymore. I won't watch... lucky for me, there's another hockey game Sunday. I'll just read through the list of winners on Monday morning. Red carpet pics? Bleh. I just want to see the ones who looked like Bjork in 2001 or Gwyneth in 2002. And that's just for unintentional comedy points.

$318.79...

.... let me repeat that.

$318.79.

That's how much I spent at Target last night.

Here's what I "stopped by" Target to purchase:
Milk
Sunglasses (lost my prescription sunglasses somewhere. Oops.)
Cute, cheapie shoes I can wear and not worry about ruining.

Okay, so I did buy those three things. Plus a helluva lot more.

What is wrong with me?!?!? I have a problem.

I remember back when I was 20. I was married to my first husband, and we hadn't been married for more than a month or so. He had a job interview for a teaching job, and I had time to kill (we lived in a different city than where he was interviewing).

I had a list. I went to Target. I only bought what was on the list (cleaning supplies, other household needs). I spent $98, and I remember being panicked, because that was sooooo much money. And I was dreading telling the husband (who was and still is a bit frugal- that's a nice word, right?) that I had just spend almost a hundred bucks at Target.

I picked him up after the interview and started to spill the beans. "Ummm, I got all the stuff on our list. It cost a bit more than I expected." He said, "How much?" I said, "Don't get mad." "How MUCH?" "Please, don't get mad!" "HOW MUCH?!?" --with his face getting redder each time. Finally, I told him. I showed him the receipt, so that he didn't think I was a spendthrift.

Please don't get the wrong idea. He is not a bad guy, nor was I ever truly afraid of him. He never gave me a reason to be afraid of him. But money was not a comfortable subject for us. I have a shopping gene. He has a frugal gene. Not a good mix. Fortunately, he learned that it's sometimes necessary to spend a few bucks on cleaning supplies. But, wow, that seemed like a lot of money then!

Fast-forward to last night... shopping with the Farm Boy. I plugged my little check card into Target's Black Hole for credit cards (what is the official term for credit card machines???)... and I only slightly winced at the total. SLIGHTLY. Farm Boy didn't look at it. He didn't even ask. Smiling and joking with the cashier, he was just busy loading up the cart.

Times have sure changed. And while I feel lucky that we can afford to be spendthrifts once in a while, I wonder... maybe I should join a Compulsive Target Shoppers group or something.

Hi, My name is DCMM (aka Grumpy F). I am a compulsive Target shopper. And I don't know if I want to stop. I mean, I'm helping the economy, right?!? ;-)

Hair Today...

Yay, Ann Curry finally cut her hair.

I have to admit that I go back and forth with liking and seriously disliking Ann Curry. Have you ever seen her in an interview with someone famous? someone unfamous? Yikes! She's just not good at the whole interview thing. I mean, I wouldn't want to be interviewed by Katie Couric, either, but she doesn't spaz out on her interviewee like Ann does. Poppy Cedes has several posts dedicated to her total dislike of Ann Curry.

Today, I'm seriously liking Ann Curry. The Today Show did a whole special on Locks of Love, the organization that helps create prosthetic hair pieces for children who have lost their hair through chemo, alopecia, or other "medical hair loss." And the reason Ann's hair has been all long lately is that she and her daughter (and three of her daughter's friends) have been growing their hair for Locks of Love. I learned this fact a couple of months ago, and I must concede that it has made me a little more accepting of Ann. Plus the fact that NBC made her stay back at home while all the cool kids got to go the Olympics. Maybe it was a good choice for US, but it must have sucked for Ann.

Anyway, not only did Ann get her hair cut this morning on national television, but the show did sections on people in the square, a whole town (Durham, NC), and an entire school who had the same idea. One woman in the square had gone 42 years without ever cutting her hair. She had a serious mullet. Poofy mushroom mullet. And she cut it. They gave her a new style, and she looks like a new woman. Even a 7-yr old boy joined in... and it was his choice. (and how cute is HE?!?)

So, Ann Curry, I applaud you. You do seem like a truly nice woman, although a bit cheesy at times. I think it's a cool thing that you've done. And I really like your hair shorter.

Turn back. No, I mean it. You're going to regret reading this...

Warning: this post is not for the sensitive or weak-stomached. Hell, I can hardly TYPE it! If you're eating right now, stop and come back later.

Ya know... "they" always tell you that, when you become a mother, things that used to really bother you won't bother you anymore. Yeah, right.

Anyone old enough to remember the total barf-a-rama scene in the movie Stand By Me? You know, the one with River Phoenix, Will Wheaton, Corey Feldman, and a very chubby Jerry O'Connell? (who knew all the girls would be hot for roly-poly Vern someday!?!) *

Wheaton's character, Gordie, tells a story of Davy Hogan, known only for his enormous girth, and who is entered in the pie eating contest. As Davy walks to the stage to participate in the contest, all the people in the crowd are chanting "Lardass, lardass!" Even the mayor says, "Don't pay any attention to those fools, Lardass. Er, I mean Davy." But Davy had his revenge. He'd had a raw egg and a whole bottle of castor oil before the contest. So, as he finishes his 5th pie, and is winning the contest, his stomach starts making these churning sounds. Everyone gets a little nervous. Then Davy opens up his mouth and pukes all over Bill Travis, the previous champion. Well, of course, this sets off a chain reaction of barfing. Kids are barfing. Parents are barfing. And... "the women's auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. " It was, according to Gordie, "A complete and total Barf-A-Rama. "

That whole chain reaction thing? Yeah, that's me. If I see someone puke, I puke. If I hear someone puke, I puke.** I'm not even going to bring up the smell issue. So.... everyone always told me that, once I was a mom, I'd be able to deal with it just fine. "When your babies are sick, you'll be totally over that." WRONG. When my girls were little, my ex-husband had to deal with it. I felt like such a failure. I tried. I really did, but I just couldn't do it. He told me that he'd rather do it, because he knew... in the end... that he'd be cleaning up after me, too.

Thank goodness... as the girls grew older, they learned to find a bucket or the porcelain god quickly. They were good with this... and then I would be waiting with a compassionate look on my face and a glass of Pedialyte or water. I can make a great bowl of broth, plate of saltines, or bland pasta for the recently ill. I'm fabulous at that part. And luckily, they're pretty healthy girls. They haven't been sick all that much.

So, now my girls are 12 and 16. This morning, there was a knock on my door at 4:07am.

12 yr old Daughter: Mom, I've been throwing up. A lot. The last time, I didn't make it to the toilet. It's all over the bathroom.

Me: *panic-stricken* Ummm... okay, sweetie. Go back to bed. I'll get you a bucket.

After I tucked her back into bed, I paced around for about 10 minutes. I could wake up my husband. As a step-dad, he goes over and above the call of duty all the time. But he has an early meeting, and I just can't wake him up. That would be really selfish. I can't wake up my older daughter either. That would be ridiculous. So... I did it. I can't believe it. I've been a mom for 16 years, and this is the first time I've ever had to do this. And, as gross and disgusting as it's been typing this all out (sorry!), I had to share. My poor baby is downstairs on the couch right now, with the bucket at her side. And she knows that her mom isn't going to wuss out. This time.

So, the moral of the story is... if you ever plan to be a mom, and dealing with puke just ain't your thaaang, marry someone who can clean it all up until you can finally handle it. Eventually, you'll get there.

*Synopsis and quotes are from my recollection of the 1986 movie, Stand By Me, written by Stephen King (and someone else I can't remember), and directed by Rob Reiner. Any inaccuracies are due to my poor memory. Gimme a break.

**The cherry scene in The Witches of Eastwick? I plugged my ears and closed my eyes. Any movie that doesn't give me warning about what's going to happen? I'm either hiding my eyes or running to the restroom. Damn you, Brokeback! You could have put a flashing light or something to let me know that Ennis was going to hurl!