You know, I sure could use some laughs about now. And you people are the best ones to send some chuckles and chortling my way. Your comments and posts on your own sites are some of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
So, you have an assignment. :-) I used to be a teacher, so gimme a break.
Do you remember “Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey” from Saturday Night Live?
One example: “If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did.’"
Some newspaper had a contest once asking kids from age 4-15 to come up with their own “Deep Thoughts.” Here are a couple:
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
Funny stuff, huh? I bet you could do better. So, in your comments, please leave me your own Deep Thoughts. If it’s really good, you’ll probably end up in my sidebar… because that’s the kind of person I am (i.e., I steal other people’s good ideas).
If you need a starter phrase, try some of these old adages:
A stitch in time…
He who laughs last…
If you sow thorns…
He who walks with wise men will be wise, but…
Ready, set, go.
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16 comments:
If life gives you lemons there's really not much you can do. If life gives you lemons, sugar, and clean water then you should make lemonade -- but if you end up with a bunch of lemons and someone suggests the lemonade thing, you should make that person drink unsweetened lemon juice. That shit is nasty.
Is the 14-year-old up for adoption? That kid is funny!
Also...I need a little time to come up with my own deep thought. I think my personal favorite is, "I think the reason they don't let anyone near plane crash sites is so someone doesn't lay down in the wreckage pretending to be a dead, then when someone walks by, suddenly sit up and say 'What was THAT?!'?"
When I look at today's society, I can help to think that the gene pool is in serious need of chlorine...
I remember, in my twenties, wondering how women in their forties who worked out all the time still had cellulite on the backs of their thighs. Now I know. It's God's punishment for your twenties.
I'd like to give someone a box of bees for their birthday. They'd weigh up the box in their hands, maybe shake it a little and then they'd open it only to find the inside crawling with angry bees. Because, hey, who doesn't need bees?
If i was the coach of a team i'd pull my star player aside and say "there's no 'i' in team, and now there's no 'you' in team either - get out." That'd teach him to make fun of my shorts.
My aunty and uncle have a sing on their wall that says:
God, if you can't make me skinny, can you please make all my friends fat
He who laughs last… didn't get the joke
If I could give the president one piece of advice, I'd tell him to get hooked up with some Botox. It keeps your face from doing that pesky twitching thing when you lie.
Ah yes, reminds me of the little tribe of pygmies living in the jungle in their bark huts, bones through their noses etc.
One day they find this magnicifent piece of furniture that's fallen off a truck driving along the road through the jungle. It's golden! inlaid with precious jewels, a seat, a chair of great worth and magnificence... So they take it home for their Chief and place it in his hut - to much cheering and applause!
" Wouldn't do that" said the witch doctor," Huts are not secure" Someone will come past in the night and steal that wonderful treasure.
Sure enough, after the Chief had got off the chair and gone to sleep, thieves came into the village trashed the old bark hut and stole it.
In the morning there was much wailing an gnashing of teeth! "Woe is us!" the tribe wailed.
" I warned you" said the witch doctor,
[wait for it]
"People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
*Braces for groans of despair*
That was fun-nee.
When someone walks into my office and asks if I am busy, I reply, "No, not at all. I was just wiping my ass. What do you need?"
He who laughs last gets made fun of later by all the people who got the joke when it was actually funny.
My favorite Deep Thought is: "Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."
I once spent an entire bus ride trading these back and forth with a friend. We'd printed them off the Web. Oh, good times.
I'm not bothering being creative, so I'll just post one of my favorite Deep Thoughts.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can't begin to think of a good one right now, but my favorite one, given my severe troubles with math, is:
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
You're all freaking brilliant, do you know that?!!?!
Yes. :)
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