Today's Friday Why Files... Now With More Obvious Answers!

WHY #1: Why did the judge in the Anna Nicole ruling feel the need to break down and cry at the end? You know, as I’ve said before, I feel that ANS was a pretty tragic figure, and really? What a sad ending to such a sad life. Even after her death, people (yes, Your Honor, this finger is pointing at you) are still riding her coattails to fame. That judge should be smacked upside the head. I know he wants to be the next Judge Wopner, but maybe he could try a little less grandstanding in the courtroom?? I was just embarrassed for him.

WHY #2: Why did Britney have a meltdown in front of paparazzi? Gee. Let me think. Perhaps she’s experiencing the worst time of her entire life, and these morons are trying to capture a Kodak moment. I don’t usually post about celebrities who already have enough exposure… but come on! It’s more than obvious the girl needs help, not more candid camera shots. I don’t purchase tabloids, because I don’t believe 99% of what they print. Additionally, supporting the paparazzi’s greed isn’t my cup of tea. Now I guess I’m going to boycott the gossip blogs that post these pictures, too.

WHY #3: Why am I driving nearly 200 miles tomorrow right into the middle of a snow storm? Yes, because I am stupid. Update: the school cancelled the trip, so now I don't have to go. Woot!

WHY #4: I mean, I know they’re delicious and all… but why would anyone start a fight over a toaster strudel?

Scuffle over strudel ends in stabbing – The Salt Lake Tribune


WHY #5: Why didn’t I think of this??

Guy buys an Ikea end table for $15, makes three electric guitars from the table and sells each guitar for $1500. – BoingBoing.Net



And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Happy Weekending.

Wuv, Twue Wuv, Will Fowwow You Fowevah...

Most women in my generation will admit to being programmed about love. As young girls, Disney taught us that our handsome prince would one day sweep us off our feet, away from wicked step-mothers or evil witches, to live happily ever after in the castle of our choice. And a lot of us waited for that prince.

I’d like to think I found one. The Farm Boy is a pretty good guy… his nickname comes from the Princess Bride, and he often calls me “Buttercup” and tells me, “As you wish.” Sounds like true love, yes?

However, I think the one creature on this planet who loves me more than any other is… my dog. Ask my husband if I’m the love of his life, he might crack some joke or say that we haven’t been married long enough to truly know. Take one look at my little Chihuahua, and you’ll know. I am the love of HIS life.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

Daughter #1: Mom! Seriously! Look at that dog! He’s just sitting there waiting for you to look at him. He’s patiently waiting for you to sit down on the bed with him so he can snuggle with you!

[on phone with boyfriend]: Dude, that dog LOVES my mom. Seriously. I mean, he worships her.

I wouldn’t be surprised if, during the day when we’re not home, he’s home building shrines to her.

[in the Taco Bell Chihuahua voice]: “Oh, Yo Quiero The Mommy! Ohhhhh!”


I guess I’ll take what I can get. :-)

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On a completely unrelated note… I gave up the queen mother dirty word for Lent. I’ve already broken that promise twice… in less than 24 hours. Gah. What exactly is the penalty for that??

Is It Weird in Here, or Is It Just Me?*

I’m a bandwagon jumper, so I decided to do a Six Weird Things about me… although, I could probably post one of these every week. I’m just that weird.

Here’s the first installment--

1. I am a classic example of a study in contrasts. I am absolutely meticulous about my appearance. My hair has to be neatly done every day (no throwing it up in a pony tail or looking purposefully mussed), makeup perfectly applied, clothes steamed and wrinkle free, and accessories must be worn at all times. I feel naked without some kind of jewelry, and God forbid I leave the house without lipstick or lipgloss. *shudder*

However, with all that anal-retention about my appearance, you’d think my house would be neat as a pin. Ummmm… NO. Not hardly. My bedroom is a total disaster. It bothers me, but not enough to do much about it. Kitchen? Well, it’s clean enough. Dirty dishes don’t bother me if they’re in the sink for a day. Besides, that’s one of the kids’ chores, so I don’t usually clean too much in there. Clutter just doesn’t bother me to the point of having to clean non-stop. Sure, I get a wild hair every once in a while to tackle some major part of the clutter, but usually… not so much. If I had my wish, we’d have a live-in maid taking care of all that crap. Where’s Alice when you need her?

2. When I get nervous, I talk. And talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. A guy I dated once likened me to a little jumpy bird. I know that can be boring listening to someone go on and on… and I’m not purposefully trying to monopolize a conversation. Believe me… it’s not all about me. It’s just my nerves. So if you ever meet me in person, you’ll know. (right, -r-?) ;-) I don’t mean to be a bore, so just give me a cookie and tell me to shut up.

3. I have VERY eclectic tastes in music. In a previous job, I volunteered to be the driver to the local lunch spot. The guy who sat in my front seat started sifting through my CDs in the car. I warned him that I had really eclectic tastes, but he didn’t believe me. After going through all of them, he decided I was schizophrenic and looked at me a little funny from then on. What? Why can’t I like Sublime AND Manhattan Transfer? Who doesn’t have a hankering for a little Spin Doctors mixed with a smattering of Barry Manilow now and then? No? It’s just me? Well, I’m okay with that.

4. I can gargle air, pitchless, to the rhythm of Rossini’s William Tell Overture (aka the Lone Ranger theme song). I make the gargling sound with no tones, just glottal clicks (Are you trying it right now??). AND you can actually recognize what musical work it is I’m “performing.” It was a lot cooler when I was a kid. Now, it’s just creepy and weird.

5. I perceive myself as much bigger than I actually am. This has nothing to do with weight or a healthy body image. It’s about how I think I can literally kick people’s asses because I’m so tough. Sadly, not true. In college, a girl spilled beer on me at some party. I turned around to mutilate her, and my friends had to physically restrain me from making a huge mistake. This girl was well over 6 feet tall and quite muscle-y. I’m not even 5’4”—she could have squashed me like the little bug that I am. Apparently, this trait runs in the family. My aunt who stands 5 feet tall on her tippie-toes is the same way. We’re like wolverines… small, but ferocious. Our hatred keeps us warm.** ;-)

6. I’m a packrat to a fault (the Farm Boy would call that a major understatement). You would think I grew up in the Depression era or something (no, I did not). Plastic bags, paper bags, gift bags, shoe boxes, cardboard boxes, gift boxes… I can’t make myself throw that stuff away. I even like to hold on to packaging materials. Last night, I bought some lotion and other good smelly-stuff from Vickie S’s house. I bought a boxed set, because it was a better deal. Plus, the box is cute. I will never need that box. Right? Right??? But I couldn’t make myself throw it away. It’s stashed in a place where the Farm Boy won’t find it, because he would surely throw it away. And then where would I be??? I also didn’t throw away the big plastic bubbly packing stuff from a bag I bought – I’m sure I’ll need that someday, too.

I’m sure this “weird thing” relates greatly to the state of my house mentioned in point number one above… and it’s a sickness, I know.

*credited to comedian Steven Wright
**10 points to the first person who "gets" that.

Five Reasons Why Today Didn't Suck...

1. Every pair of pants I own are too big. I can zip them up, button them, whatever... and still pull them down over my hips while they're fastened. I spent most of the day hiking up my drawrs. *

This means two things: a) I am actually seeing major results from the recent weight loss, and b) I am going shopping tonight for new pants. W00T!

Some guy at work even called me a "little cutie" today and noticed the weight loss. Usually, I would be totally creeped out by that, but it didn't bother me. Nope, not today!


2. A slower schedule at work and no obligations after work makes Grumpy less... ummm, grumpy.


3. The temperature is currently a balmy 42 degrees F.
At 6:00pm.
In that midwest place where I live which is usually colder than a [fill in your choice of cold analogies here].
Tomorrow, it will reach the 50s.
I may wear shorts to work. (okay, not really)

4. I finally washed the Loser Cruiser after several weeks... in fact, I've actually lost track of the last time it was washed. It is now a shiny Loser Cruiser.

5. Did I mention I'm going shopping? Retail therapy always aids in elevating a day to non-suckage.**

So, there you have it. Please pray that my credit score doesn't take a hit after tonight.

*Yes, I know that "drawrs" are technically underwear. But when your pants/trousers are hanging on you so much that your butt disappears entirely from view... you can call them "drawrs." Really, you can. I have permission from a very high authority.

**Technically, there are 6 things that made this day not suck. But I'm a lady, and I don't share those things in my blog. :-)

My Day of Suckage

What a horrible day. It started off okay, but just spiraled downward as the day progressed. I'm too stressed out, and I don't see an end in sight. Gah.

So what is one to do at the end of such a sucky day?

Go to Chipotle, of course, and drown your sorrows with a yummy, veggie burrito... even if you're only going to eat half of it, because you're a little bitch who counts calories. Ah, but that just means I have the other half for lunch tomorrow. It's WIN-WIN all around! W00T!

There. I feel SOOOO much better!

Excuse Me... Can We Have Some Chlorine Over Here??

I hate stupid people. And by stupid, I mean those who choose NOT to use their brains. Stupid people are taking over the planet.

There's a really bad movie called Idiocracy, starring Luke Wilson. Mike Judge (Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill) wrote it, directed it, produced it, etc. The basic plot is Luke Wilson is in the US army, gets volunteered for a cryogenic-like experiment, and through some egregious oversight, is forgotten for 500 years.

When he is 'awakened,' the planet is overtaken with dumbasses. The theory here is that smart people choose not to procreate early in their lives, and then they just run out of time to have a family. The lesser intelligent folks are out polluting the gene pool with everyone under the sun. So, society 500 years later is dominated by complete idiots. I won't go into the details, because much of the movie was incredibly lame. HOWEVER, the whole plot is starting to make sense to me. I am beginning to think it's where society is headed. While watching this movie, I was glad I didn't waste money paying for it. Ever since then, I've been more and more convinced of Mike Judge's brilliance.

Example #1: The Farm Boy and I just returned from a short trip... we drove about 180 miles east of our city. On the drive out, we ran straight into the effects of the Alberta clipper that passed through. There were several winter storm watches and blowing snow advisories. You'd think people in the midwest would know how to handle weather like this. But NOOOOO*. On our way back this morning, we counted 58 vehicles in the ditches, in the grassy medians, and down steep embankments... all in about a 50 mile stretch. 58! And that didn't take into account all the cars that had already been towed out overnight. The basic mistake for most of them was speed, icy patches on the interstate, and sudden braking. We saw some of it happen. People who were in a hurry sped past us, only to have to slam on their brakes when they came upon the other twenty or so cars also going slowly to prevent accidents. Of the 58 cars, 32 were trucks or SUVs with four-wheel drive. Umm, hello? I know you feel all superior-like, but here's a bulletin for you: four-wheel drive does not stop you on ice. I'm not the only person on the planet with this enlightening information. Wake up, pull your head out of your arse, and drive carefully... before you kill someone. Thank you.

Example #2: My mother always taught me not to talk while there was food in my mouth. It's something I guess I take for granted... plus, it just makes sense. Apparently, Mr. Loud-Mouth Moron sitting in the seat directly behind me at the hockey game last night never had a mother who taught him this very important lesson.

I guess it's okay to yell at the refs while you have a mouthful of beer, and I guess it's okay if you happen to spray the nice lady in front of you in the back of the head. I guess it's also okay to call the other team (the one she's rooting for) a bunch of pansies whilst chowing down on cheap nachos. She won't mind that half-eaten nacho chip that so ever-so-delicately lands on her shoulder. And apparently when she turns around and gives you the biggest stink-eye ever seen from one human being to another, you are too stupid to understand why she is pissed. Luckily, her mother also taught her that she is too small to kick your ass... because, believe me. She had every intention to do so. Actually, you're lucky your little boy was there, because, even though she's too small to take you on, she would have taken the heel of her shoe and smashed your skull in. You know, your skull? That part of your noggin with NOTHING IN IT.

*I know some accidents happen in bad weather and are truly no one's fault... bad weather just happens sometimes. Last night was ridiculous, though. People were driving over 70 mph in that weather, weaving in and out of icy lanes with blowing snow and low visibility. That's just asking for something terrible to happen. Plus, it's just STUPID.

A Super-Sloppy, Super-Short, Friday Why Files

WHY #1: Why did my cubicle neighbor think it was a good idea to bring Leonardo the Tiger to the office? Oh, and why did he think it was a good idea to turn the little guy's vocals on non-stop for the last three days? Today, I tried to pull a Norman Bates with a pair of scissors--that tiger is seriously annoying--, but the boss walked around the corner.

WHY #2: After watching Unwrapped on the Food Network the other night, I am even more incredulous as to why anyone would eat pork rinds. Do you know what these things are MADE of? Ewww! I kept waiting for Marc Summers to pour slime in Super Sloppy Double Dare fashion on the guys who were making them.

Oh, and if you add a comment that you love pork rinds, I don't think we can be friends anymore. (just kidding... we just can't talk about pork rinds EVER again)

WHY #3: Why do I have a feeling that some crazy legislator somewhere will propose some knee-jerk law against building snow caves? I'm just glad those kids were okay!

And that concludes today's Friday Why Files. And I'm outta here for the weekend! Happy Friday!!

I Don't Think It's The Hardest Word...

I think I ate more calories last night in our Valentine’s Day dinner than I usually do in a week. But it was GOOD.

We stayed in last night, and I cooked dinner: filet mignon, lobster tails, twice-baked potatoes, green beans almondine, and chocolate cake. Oh, and we washed it all down with a big bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Très yummy. (No, I didn’t make it all from scratch.)

The Farm Boy got me an iPod alarm clock and a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. He is a very, VERY good man. And I am very lucky. :-)

Enough with the bragging…

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Today’s more serious subject has to do with saying “I’m sorry.”

When I was a little girl, if I did something wrong, I was supposed to say, “I’m sorry.”

Grumpy’s Sister: “Mom! She hit me!”

Grumpy’s Mom: “Grumpy! Don’t hit your sister! Now apologize.”

ME: “Sorry.”

Grumpy’s Mom: “If you don’t mean it, it doesn’t count.”

ME: [pretending to be sincere] “I’m really sorry.”

Grumpy’s Mom: “Much better. Now hug your sister.”

ME: “No way! I’m outta here!”

Then I got grounded.

My point is that my mother was right. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t make up for any of your wrongs unless you really mean it... and then take steps to SHOW you really mean it.

It seems that, every week, some dumbass celebrity/athlete/supergigantic, egoistic, idiot gets in trouble for shooting off his/her mouth. Some truly horrible things are said (see Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and Tim Hardaway for recent examples), and the next day, the PR machine is in full gear. The “stars” (and I use that term loosely) are immediately issuing apologies as quickly as their agents can get them some air time.

Is anyone actually buying that they’re truly sorry???

Are they sorry because they really regret hurting people? Or are they sorry because they regret the possible backlash to their careers and images? You and I both know it’s the latter. So, either it’s okay to be a total arse because someone finds you entertaining in some arena or other…

... or WE need to start backing up what we believe with our loudest voices. That might be our money, and that might be our celebrity 'worship.' Either way, things won't get better until we makes ourselves heard.

End of rant. *self-righteously steps off her soap box*

Valentine Gift Suggestions.. for mega realz...

It never ceases to amaze me how lame some suggestion lists are when it comes to Valentine's Day. Yes, I know... it's not a "real" holiday... it's one you either love or hate... I get that. But I still read the lists anyway, because I find humor in what is assumed as a good gift idea. I rarely use those ideas myself... I much prefer being a little more creative. But the suggestion lists are always good for a few laughs. Like these suggestions, all from actual websites advertising Valentine's Gift Ideas:

1. A Valentine "Assortment of Romantic Cheeses in a Gift Box" by igourmet.com. Romantic cheeses? Don't get me wrong... I lovey the cheeses. Love, love, love. But ROMANTIC? What exactly makes a cheese romantic?

2. 32 oz Wolf Urine Lure. WTF? Is this high on most men's lists? Do that many people have problems with unwanted deer or other wolf prey that buying 32 ounces of wolf urine is a necessary purchase? And for Valentine's Day??? "Gee, thanks, Hon! It's just what I've always wanted!"

3. The Civil War: A Narrative, by Shelby Foote. A three-volume, hardcover set. I know I love nothing more than settling down together on a chilly Valentine's evening, snuggling next to the Farm Boy, reading aloud to each other the details of brutal, bloody battles. Good times!

4. The Kyjen Company Dog Agility Starter Kit. Okay, well, maybe your lover is also a dog-lover. Or maybe there's some interesting angle that works for humans that I don't know about. This could become a little kinkier than I'm willing to imagine. Or, maybe it's just a bad gift idea for Valentine's.

5. The Parmigiano Collection in a Gift Box. Seriously? Again with the CHEESE? Maybe combined with a few bottles of wine, I could buy that as a romantic gift. But the cheese standing alone? Is that really romantic?

6. World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. This is what you buy for your Valentine if you NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM/HER AGAIN. "Honey, are you coming to bed?" "Yep. Right after I finish this next level." Right. Plan on being celibate for a long time.

7. Couples Key Chains. Yes, I'll admit that this could be a romantic gift, and I do love Red Envelope. Truly, I do. At first, I was all "aww, that's sweet!" But then I looked at the structure of the key chain. How the pieces, together, form a heart. Separated-- similarly to the Best Friends necklace/keychain concept, the heart is divided in half. This particular shape doesn't even look like half a heart. The Farm Boy would think it was a beer bottle opener. Classy, huh? Umm... wait. Now that I think of it... maybe that's what I should have gotten him for Valentine's.

Happy Valentine's Day. :-)

Snow Day...

Mmmm.... *yawn*

If you need me, I'll be by the fireplace today, snuggled in a blanket, drinking a glass of tea, and reading a book. Just what the doctor Mother Nature ordered.

Not My Greatest Inspiration...

This is me today... dark circles were added (or at least I attempted to add them).

For some reason last night, I was unable to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. Then I would awaken, either in pain or completely restless, and toss around in bed for the next hour or so.

I feel like Al Pacino in Insomnia today... and Robin Williams is tap-dancing on my head, proving that even a funny guy can be a really scary guy in the right movie.

But at least I look like hell today. Gah.

I have NO clue what happened last night. I don't feel extremely anxious about anything, I don't think.

Oh, and the nightmares... the nightmares! I don't even want to recount them... they were that scary. One minor scene that I will share though was some guy I totally detest sitting next to me at a restaurant and telling me, "I love you. I really do. I really, really like you, too. I love you. Did you hear me? I love you." I woke up stifling a scream.

I didn't eat anything bad before bed... no spicy or extremely fatty foods. Just one scrambled egg, one English muffin with a little pumpkin butter, and a glass of milk. That was my dinner at 8:30. I was in bed by 10:30. Usually crazy food combinations don't even have an effect on my dreams... and even if they did, that dinner was far from being crazy. Right?

So, is my subconcious self trying to tell me something? Or does it just really, really hate me so much that it's messing with my precious, precious sleep?

Insomnia might be an inspiration to some, but not for me. It just makes me grumpy. GrumpIER. Like I need help with THAT!

I am a HUGE Nerd...

I love Star Wars. Blame it on my age... I was 8 when the first one came out. So, basically, I grew up with the first three movies.

You can dog on George Lucas all you want for the goofy characters (yes, Jar-Jar, I'm looking at you), the not-so-great acting, the cheesy dialogue... I don't care. I love it all.

One of those movie cable stations that is known by three letters has been playing all six movies lately. I caught the last part of The Empire Strikes Back (my personal favorite of the six)yesterday, and then Return of the Jedi was on again this morning.

And blast that George Lucas... he's changed it AGAIN. A few years back, he remastered the original three movies, added a few new scenes, and asked John Williams to rescore a few scenes. So imagine my surprise this morning when I noticed that the very last scene had been changed yet again. I won't ruin it for those of you who want to watch it yourselves. But I did like this change. It makes more sense, and is even a little more of an emotional tug.

And no, I didn't get misty or anything while watching the end again. Nope. Not one bit. Uh-uh. Not me.

I know... I'm a huge nerd.

A "One Day, I'll Need to Count The Number of Editions I Have" Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why can’t someone be logical about this issue? In the continuing stooooory* of distracted driving legislation, this one includes some really interesting bans: Vermont legislators are considering banning “…eating, drinking, smoking, reading, writing, personal grooming, playing an instrument, “interacting with pets or cargo,” talking on a cell phone or using any other personal communication device while driving.” [CBS News]

Yeah, I grab that guitar out of my backseat and strum along all the time I’m driving. Haha Oh, and when I was in college as a music major, my “instrument” was my voice. Does that mean I can’t SING while I drive?

Seriously though, I’ve posted many times about the government’s intrusion into matters such as these. I wholeheartedly agree that distracted driving has escalated into very dangerous territory. People who do not practice safe driving with cell phones are as dangerous as those who put on makeup, eat, drink coffee, etc. while driving. I think putting specific items into legislation is missing the point. Reckless driving is reckless driving. Having a carload of passengers can be just as or more distracting than taking a sip of water. I also know that my headset connected to my phone that I use while driving is no more distracting than the guy next to me with his bass thumping so loudly that my stomach starts to vibrate.

And IF legislation such as this is passed, what next? No allergens allowed in cars, because they could cause you to sneeze… and that’s distracting. No open windows, because bees could fly in and sting you while you’re driving… and that’s distracting.



WHY #2: Why have I never before had Pumpkin Butter? I already love apple butter with a passion… but have recently found pumpkin butter. Sweet heaven on earth! It’s delicious! On toast, on English muffins, on waffles or pancakes… yummy, yum, yum.


WHY #3: Why didn’t I know that panty hose for men was in such high demand? Creepy.


WHY #4: Why are we so mad on making examples out of kids, without looking at all the evidence? Be sure to read the entire article about the evidence and witness statements. [Houston Chronicle]

Doesn’t intent have any place in this world anymore? Couldn’t this kid have served an after school detention and then end the whole thing? Trust me. As an educator, I’m as strict as they come for those who break the rules. BUT. I also exercise my JUDGMENT as to whether the intent was malicious, the degree of the offense, etc. This borders on harassment, in my opinion. Poor kid.


WHY #5: Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? Oh, yeah. Asinine news articles.


WHY #5: Why am I so happy all of a sudden? Oh, yeah... a fun night out with friends at the local comedy shop. Should be a good time tonight!

This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Happy Friday!

*10 points to the first person to name this TV line reference.

How Long Have We Been Married?

We went to Target tonight. Yes, that place also known as Nirvana II (Chipotle is Nirvana I).

The Farm Boy needed printer paper, a filter for the furnace, and some packing tape. They were out of our filters. So, he got the printer paper and the tape.

I needed... a few other things.


At the checkout, the amount was just a bit over $200.


Or as Farm Boy said bellowed,

"$242.37! I came for printer paper and tape, and it cost me $242.37!!!"

The conversation continued something like this--

ME: "Ummm, duh. It's Target. What did you expect?"

FB: "I didn't expect to buy makeup and hair stuff and socks and kitchen utensils and chopsticks and and other girlie crap!"

[since when are chopsticks "girlie crap?"]

ME: But we didn't make you buy tampons.

FB: True. [pause] Please just kill me.*

Silly boy... he should know better.

*The Farm Boy grew up in California with 5 brothers and one sister. He is desperately trying to combat the inevitable estrogen-creep that is slowly invading his manly persona.

Another set of Random Gripes...

I don't have one main topic today, so bear with me as I straggle along these completely unrelated topics:

1) The Farm Boy is brilliant. Truly, he is. He's a successful business owner, and he started his business from the ground up. I'm extremely proud of him.

But that's what makes mornings like the one we had today so crazy. I went to the garage this morning and pushed the button on the remote to unlock the car doors. No problem. Well, except the lights inside the car always light up when the doors are unlocked. They didn't today. "How odd," I thought to myself.

Then I climbed into the driver's seat. "Hmmm... what is that strange-looking light on the dashboard? Isn't that usually the light that indicates no battery? Maybe I'd better try to start the car."

As I attempted to put my keys in the ignition, I noticed... something was already there. "Hey, those are the Farm Boy's keys! Why are they still in the car? And... why are they still in the on-but-not-running position? Oh, crap. He left the keys in the car last night and didn't turn the car all the way off. Brilliant."

So, no battery this morning. Gah. What's an intelligent Grumpy Frump to do? Make the Farm Boy come back and jump her car? You betcha!

So, the Farm Boy is a brilliant man who occasionally does some really bonehead things. I think I can live with that. ;-)

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2) If you've been around a while, you know I hate Daylight Saving time... on or off. Changing the clocks just messes me up. So, what did I hear yesterday? Are you kidding me? We're changing the dates now? Puh-leeze. Oh, and my favorite part of this new idea is that the "change" could be temporary. We're going to do a study to see if it makes a positive impact. If not, we'll go back to the way it was before. Gah!!

For those of you who do not know, in the US (well, most of us anyway), we will now be springing ahead the second Sunday in March and falling back on the first Sunday of November... effective times 2am both dates.

I now know this was signed into effect two years ago with the Energy Policy Act and all that... but how did I miss this very important part of it? (important to me, of course)

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3) Could somebody please explain to me what the fascination is with "Fast & the Furious"-pimping of crappy little 4-door sedans?

There's a guy who works in the same office building I do... he walks into the office every day carrying his steering wheel. It's a fairly expensive brand, and he's afraid someone will break into his car and steal it. Having not seen his car, I assumed the car was somewhat expensive as well. Well, maybe not so much. I saw him pull in the other morning...

...in a very crappy, little white car that rhymes with Shonda Bivic, circa 1990. Kind of like this one.

But crappier.

With a spoiler.
And some type of backbox on the muffler. When he drives, it sounds like a little dirt bike with the sniffles.

WTF, mate?

Photo credit: epinions.com

A Wee Hours of the Morning Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why am I posting at 5:00 in the morning? (because I'm going out of town today at 6:30)

WHY #2: Why did I agree to chaperone 100 high school kids on a 6 hour drive? (because I'm stupid)

WHY #3: Why is the NFL such a big bully? I understand copyright laws pretty extensively because of my field of expertise, but come on! And this law? "...the NFL objected to the church's plans to use a projector to show the game, saying the law limits it to one TV no bigger than 55 inches." Sorry, honey. You can't get that 62" big screen to watch football. The NFL cops will come after you.

And that concludes today's Friday Why Files... gotta go finish packing!

Am I Insane or Interminably Honest?

In the parking garage at our hotel this past weekend, I found a $5 bill on the ground right in front of the elevators. I looked around to see if anyone had dropped it, but no one was there.

For a few minutes when we stepped inside, I seriously considered stopping at the front desk to see if anyone had lost some money. FIVE dollars. At a three-four star hotel (depending upon whom you ask)... I was going to turn in five dollars. Farm Boy just looked at me like I was nuts.

I kept it, but I still felt badly about it.

What is WRONG with me!?!?

We're Off...

We're off on our Anniversary Getaway. The anniversary was yesterday... and the flowers even arrived at work. :-)

Have a great weekend!

A Plea...

If you're starting to feel sick, please stay home from work. Because... when you don't... you pass along your sickly germs to your colleagues. And they get sick.

My head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds, my throat hurts, and I generally feel achy all over. Thank you, Cubicle Neighbor. I really appreciate it. I'm sure my husband and I will have an absolutely lovely anniversary weekend. Truly.

Oh, and guess where I am? Yes. I'm home. I don't feel like passing along these transferred sicky germs to everyone else... you know... like YOU did to me.

Yes, I know that sometimes germs are passed before symptoms even show up. But if you're hacking up a lung... just stay home.

That's all. Thanks for listening.

Ummm.... I think... No. Just No.

The front page of Yahoo News today shows a photo of the new trend for men. Leggings. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said "LEGGINGS."

Let's discuss the awfulness that leggings already are... in the 80s, under the requisite long sparkly, pastel sweater or hideous neon sweatshirt, leggings served their purpose. Now, not so much.

I will admit, that for young girls (emphasis on YOUNG), worn under a mini-skirt, I quite approve of leggings. Maybe that's because I have young teenage girls in the home, and I prefer that they not pull a Britney and expose any lady knickknacks, if you know what I mean.

Young girls in mini skirts-- you may wear leggings. Everyone else-- No. Men? Oh, HELL NO! For all that is sacred, please! NO! NO! NO!

Note the model at left. Is there anything remotely attractive about this? Can you imagine all the awful places these leggings could take us? Let's just nip it in the bud right now and boycott. Loudly.

Photo credit: Yahoo News, Fashion Wire Daily.

A Fun and Fabulous Friday Why Files...

WHY #1 : If you’re going to steal something, why wouldn’t you make sure you knew something about what you’re stealing? You know, like, maybe those things that look like cell phones might actually be GPS systems? And you know, like, maybe the GPS is still activated on the devices and might lead the police right to your home? You know… that kind of stuff.


WHY #2 : Ummm… just why?


WHY #3 : Why, when reports of record high winter temperatures are all over the US, would you think that driving over a lake would be a good idea?


WHY #4 : Tell me again… why SHOULDN’T I get drunk, wander into a tiger enclosure in Siberia, and share a pack of potato crisps? What? You mean the tiger might bite me? Nah.


WHY #5 : Why is eating spaghetti no laughing matter? Because you could choke on your dining utensils… AND get them stuck in your gullet… AND live to tell the story. Can you imagine showing your grandchildren x-ray photo souvenirs of your esophagus? Bitchin’!

WHY #6: Why can't we have more episodes on TV like last night's Scrubs? Loved it!!! I can't decide if my new favorite song is Guy Love or Everything Comes Down to Poo.


And that concludes Today’s Friday Why Files…

It's All About the Merchandise...

Okay... you asked; therefore, you shall receive.

The T-shirts are ready. You can purchase them online here:

http://www.cafepress.com/grumpyfrump

The price for a regular ladies' tee is 15.99 US; baby doll tees are 18.99 US. I only make a whopping $2 a shirt, so I'm not out to gouge anyone.

If you want one... buy one. If not, no big whoop.

Who knows. Maybe mugs are up next.

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round... Oh, Make It Stop!

I would like one day where I didn't have to rush to get somewhere, rush to get something done, rush to solve a problem, blahdee-blah-blah.

What this means to you... I'm sorry. I'm crazy-busy. I'm trying to read All The Cool Kids, comment when possible, and post when possible. Guess what's taking a backseat to the rest of my life? I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.

SOOOOOO... while I'm busy being busy, why don't you ponder this? It's National DeLurking Week, right? So, if you're reading and have never commented before, PLEASE DO! It's a friendly place here, in spite of the blog title. And if you're a regular, please also comment. I miss you all!

Beware: Spell at Your Own Risk... AKA The Day I Wanted To Shrivel Up and Die

After reading metalia's recent post about her time as a spelling bee nerd, we traded emails and horror stories of our involvement in spelling bees. She has convinced me to post about mine, although I will not be posting any pictures of myself from that time period...


In the metro spelling bee when I was in 8th grade, we were in a tv studio at the local university. They were televising the whole thing on cable. I was the winner from my school, and I had to sit next to the runner-up from our school, a really nerdy 7th grader. We were sitting on metal folding chairs on risers to simulate a stage, I guess. There was a big map of our state hanging over a lame, powder blue curtain behind the top riser... and that's where our seats were. As the kids from the other schools started dropping out, we all just remained in our same assigned seats.

I went up to spell a word, successfully of course (haha), and then returned to my seat. Nerdy Mc7th Grader next to me was next up. I can't remember what his word was, but I know he stumbled over it. Apparently it was something he didn't think he should have stumbled over, because, after actually spelling it correctly, he stomped back up the risers and slammed himself into his seat. This is where the super slo-mo action began in my mind.

I remember turning to him to try to figure out what his major malfunction was, but also was slowly realizing that I was somehow in motion. Before I could do anything about it, I began to understand. His metal, rinky-dink chair was entangled with MY metal, rinky-dink chair. When he slammed himself into his chair, it started pushing my chair backwards... and slowly off the back of the riser. There was probably only about a foot or two between the back of the wall (covered by the powder blue curtain) and the back of the riser. BUT... that's where I flew backwards. My chair quickly became stuck between the riser and the back wall, and there I stayed... flailing wildly, wearing a dress, with my legs straight up in the air. The camera guys (college guys, of course) ran back to help me... while trying desperately not to laugh. They did anyway. All I could think of was the fact that my dress was falling around my waist and how could I get up and regain my dignity. There was no hope. The camera guys pulled me up, took me around the front of the tv studio (oh, yes... this was being recorded for prosperity), and put a plastic cup of water in my shaky hands.

After checking to see if I was "okay" for the umpteenth time, they walked me back to the risers where the remaining 6 or 7 spellers were waiting. Oddly enough, they moved us all to the front row there. I was so embarrassed, nay, humiliated that I couldn't even think straight. The next word they gave me was meringue, and I blew it. It was probably the easiest word I'd had all night, and I didn't even care.

The only saving grace was that they edited the whole fall out of the televised version... and people from my school actually WATCHED the show. Thank God that "the incident" wasn't broadcast. I would have been the laughing stock of the whole school.

Hell is Freezing Over...

Yes, it's true. Hell is freezing over, and little pink piggies have sprouted wings to give them flight.

Cats and dogs are going to start having tea parties every day at 4:00pm.

The clouds will part, and fat-free mochaccinos will begin pouring from the sky.

Osama Bin Laden is going to run into the streets of Baghdad, moon everyone, and then touch a stone in the town square, yelling, "BASE! Olley olley oxen free! US Marines... you're it!"

My kids are going to do all their chores without being told, and Rosie and The Donald are going to make up by French-kissing on live TV. Okay, well maybe not that last one.

Here's why: I'm going to admit that I don't know everything there is to know about something... and if you know me at all, you know that I like to be helpful to people. Therefore, it is my main goal in life to know everything about... everything. Not so I can be arrogant and elitist and make everyone feel lowlier than I. No, not at all. I am the go-to-chick for answers, because I want to be helpful.

Usually, I can figure out things without having to read a manual, even if those things are somewhat complicated. No big deal... I just know.

But now I don't know, and I'm freaking out!

So, there's nothing left to do but admit it and get it over with.

I. Don't. Know. Everything... about my new camera. Sure, I immediately knew how to take pictures, download them, add a flash, use the speed flash, blah, blah, blah. I know about aperture settings and f-stop, yadda yadda yadda. I was a photographer in a former life, so this should be easy.

But this thing has so many options! And I'm so impatient to know it all... it's driving me BATTY.

So, there. It's out. Whew. I feel so much better now.

And, I guess I'll be adding a few pages from my camera manual to my reading list. Gah.

We're Gonna Have A Good Time...

So, I'm another year older today. As I mentioned last year at this time, I have to make a big deal out of my birthday because it's only two weeks after Christmas. If I don't, I'll end up with all those combo-Christmas/Birthday gifts. And those suck.

I've decided that, on this birthday, I'm as old as I'm ever going to get. Starting next year, I'm going to age backwards. I haven't quite figured out how to do that, but I'm a "universal genius," according to an online IQ test*... so it shouldn't be too difficult to learn. haha

As I look at this picture of my nearly two-year-old self, I wonder:

1) Whose earrings are those? My mom didn't wear stuff like that when I was two. And they have to be clip-ons, because I didn't have my ears pierced until I was 12. My mom didn't have her ears pierced until she was 30.

2) That was probably a home-grown hair cut. Nice bangs, huh?

3) I'm pretty darn close to that same hair color, although it was natural then.

4) I need to find some adult-sized jammies like those.

5) My kids really don't look like me at all. Gah.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me... blahdy-blah-blah.

*Bob Newhart recommends in his book, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This, that husbands and wives should never share their IQ scores with each other. He even had an episode in The Bob Newhart Show (1970s TV) that contained this same issue. After ignoring his advice... and consequently regretting it... I would highly recommend that you keep your IQ score to yourself. It could save your marriage. haha

A New Year's First Friday Why Files…

WHY #1: Why is the first week after a vacation so difficult? And exhausting?


WHY #2: Why is watching the Brit-ster so similar to watching a train wreck?? You know it's a disaster, but you Just. Can't. Stop. Watching.

Read here and here for two samples… but check out the picture on MSN. Yikes! I know she's like… just had a baby and all, but ohmigod, y'all, that's a scary photo!


WHY #3: Why would the rights of escaped convicts be "breached" if British police released their photos? Are the Derbyshire police (UK) more concerned about the rights of escaped prisoners than the innocent civilians on the street?


WHY #4: Why am I always freaked out about the future of our society? Oh, yeah… it's because people THIS STUPID exist.


WHY #5: Why do I have a feeling that this burglar who was "beat bad" by a homeowner will someday file a lawsuit against said homeowner for assault?




And that concludes today's Friday Why Files…

Happy 2007...

I guess I don't get as excited for the New Year's holiday as I do for the others. Maybe it's because I'm old enough to realize that each new year is another year closer to an age I'd rather not be. Maybe it's due to the fact that it's so close to Christmas, and I'm still winding down from that holiday. Or possibly, it could be that most of my holidays and celebrations seem to be so close to each other.

Let's examine... shall we?

Thanksgiving is in November. Christmas and New Year's Eve, December. New Year's Day, my birthday, my anniversary are all in January. Within a span of 10 weeks, I have 60% of my traditional holidays and celebrations. haha Okay, even I'm not that narcissistic or selfish that it always has to be about me. As long as it's SOMETIMES about me, I'm good with that. ;-)

It's entirely probable that 2007 brings some bittersweet events for me. My oldest graduates high school in May, and my 20th high school reunion is in July (or June. I forget which). Both should be something to anticipate... and I am anticipating them, truly... but I'm also secretly dreading them.

So with that thought... I wish the rest of you a fabulous 2007. I know I'll spend much of my time in this new year alternately crying and laughing. A lot.

What's Been Going On...

Whew! For all the preparation that goes into the holidays, it certainly flies by quickly. Here are a few highlights:

1. My Farm Boy rocks. I've been saving up for a Nikon D70... and he goes and buys me one for Christmas. I was stunned. As in... I couldn't even speak, and I almost cried. Seriously. Mucho MUCHO brownie points for the Farm Boy. :-)

2. Spent a lot of time with the kiddies. Shopping before and after the holidays is always a trial with teenagers, but we've had some good times. They were all pretty happy with their gifts, too. It's amazing to see them grow up... going from shrieking with happiness over the toys they receive to shrieking with happiness over new clothes and other non-toy like things.

3. Family Game night with the extended family-- lots of fun. Someone always gets a new game for Christmas (or two or three new games), so we have to play all of them the day after Christmas. We even brought out a few oldies but goodies. Officially, we love Mad Gab, Trivial Pursuit 80s version, and still adore Balderdash. We're pretty much nerds, I know.

4. Oh, and I almost forgot... I'm addicted to Mystery Case Files: Ravenhearst Manor. I played that game for 4 hours straight one night, and then finished up the last part of the game the next morning. I'm so anal... I can't quit until I win the game.

5. I've lost a total of 10 lbs since Thanksgiving. Today, I tried on a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to wear for about 2 years. That was a really great feeling! Only 10 more pounds to go! Woot!!!

6. Farm Boy and I went to Chipotle last night for dinner at 9:59 (they close at 10:00). Got a "Grumpy Lite Veggie Burrito" (half the rice, a drip of sour cream, and a sprinkle of cheese). What could be better? Oh yeah... a FREE burrito. Apparently, the order that was made right in front of ours was an employee's dinner. He added our dinner to his ticket and said, "Thanks. Come again!" I had a picture of it, too, but Blogger's being a butthead and only allowing me to upload one photo. Gah. I might have to switch to the new one.

7. No one has called me "Ma'am" this whole holiday break. Stay tuned for the t-shirt, btw. I'm just getting the design kinks worked out... it will be available soon!

Hope you all had a nice holiday!

Merry Christmas...

... I'll be out for a few days celebrating with the family.

A Very Merry Friday Why Files…

WHY #1: Why is the week before a vacation always the longest week of the year???


WHY #2: Why don’t these two have more worthwhile things to do than trade insults?


WHY #3: Why are some people so dumb? Read this year’s list of unanswered Explainer questions at slate.com. My personal favorites:

“Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.”

And... “i need more money.....what business can i start that will not take a lot of time...i have internet access daily...........and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm..............”


WHY #4: Why didn’t the news team include a picture of this? I think the story merited at least one good photo.

“Pac-Man is back… gobbling up dots on Highway 55”, courtesy of Canada’s CBC news.


WHY #5: Are designer eye frames a big hit on the black market or something? If not, why would this guy try to steal $3000 worth of designer frames? From an eyeglass store across the street from a police station? Oh, yeah… the owner is a karate instructor, and his assistant is a body builder.

WHY #6: (added after the initial post) Why, oh, why do I want to stab hot, searing pokers into my eyes and take a drill to my temporal lobe every time that horrible Jessican Simpson (J-Simp)/Daisy-Duke-wannabe HDTV commercial invades my television? Good GOD, make it stop!!

And while we're on the subject... how can someone who is originally from the South have such a god-awful southern accent? I know her real accent is supposed to be a Texas accent (which, supposedly is her native speak), and the "Daisy" accent is supposed to be from Georgia, but COME ON! Please oh please oh please make her just go away.

And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files.

What's My Name Again????

Last night, while sitting under the dryer (getting my hair done), a woman comes over to me and says,

“Excuse me, ma’am, are you reading this magazine?” [she points at the magazine sitting on the seat next to me] *

*grrrr*

For those of you who are new here… I’ll repeat it with emphasis:

“Excuse me, ma’am, are you reading this magazine?”


That’s it. It’s official. After New Year’s, you will be able to find a "Don’t Call Me Ma’am" t-shirt exclusive. I'll post all the details as soon as it's ready.

*double grrr*

*btw, she was at least 10 years older than I am. And I know she's a stranger and most likely hasn't ever read my blog... but I just detest that word!!

And Our Survey Says...

I saw this teaser line on some news site: "Are gift cards cheating?"

I think not. I think most DEFINITELY not.

Case in point...

I know my sister-in-law shops at a certain store all the time. In fact, I'd bet that a good majority of her paycheck is earmarked for this store... not judging, it's just a fact. So, when it came time this year to buy one of her Christmas presents, I knew exactly what I was going to get her. A gift card from that store. She'll LOVE it. *

Because of the type of store it is, I would never think about going to buy her something there. First of all, it's not my bag, baby, so I wouldn't have the first clue. Secondly, even if it was my bag, I still wouldn't be entirely sure of what she needs. Therefore, the gift card rules.

That's one case where gift cards are a thing of true beauty.

Another is -- and this is not going to be grammatically correct, but I just don't care-- those people who are hard to buy for.

You know who they are. You think, and you think, and you think... until you are all thunk out. It's not that they are strange, obtuse little creatures with bizarro tastes... they're just hard to buy for. They're not even difficult to please... they're just hard to buy for! Either you pick something out for them and they already have it, or their tastes are so extremely opposite of yours that you risk making a very bad purchase. I know, I know... it's the thought that counts, right? So... why not make that thought a gift card?

Some people don't like to give gift cards, because then the gift card recipient "knows exactly how much you spent." So what. If you're worried about that, tack another five bucks onto the thing and be done with it. ;-) I am typically a bargain shopper, and I can find great buys on presents that should cost me a fortune but really don't. When that's the case, I'll buy the gift. If not, Uncle So-and-So is going to know that I only spend about $40 on him for Christmas.

The other advantage to gift cards: the clothes always fit. No returns, because you get the sizes you need! You know the relative that always wants to buy you clothes for Christmas? (Personally, I love this relative and wish he/she would move in and buy me clothes every day) This wonderful, thoughtful person who might even have really good "clothes taste" and might buy you exactly what you wanted? Yeah, that person really has no idea what size you wear. And if you're unfortunate enough to be a woman, that person might know your size at one store, but not at that store. Or that store. Or even that other store. (Okay, so that's a topic for another post someday.)

But I digress...

What I want to know is what you think about gift cards. As you can tell, I actually quite prefer them in some cases. Some people may think them impersonal, but I tend to believe that sometimes MORE thought goes into the gift card than most people think. That's my story anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

*Yeah, so I'm 99.9% sure she doesn't read the blog... otherwise, she's TOTALLY gonna know what I got her for Christmas. :-) **

**Ummm... like... yeah... I gotta stop hanging out with my kids, because I'm even blogspeaking like them. Gah!

The Please Explain This to Me Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: WHY can't I post comments on many of your blogs? I think if you've switched your accounts over, I can't comment anymore. And I really do have charming comments for you. Well, semi-charming at least.

WHY #2: WHY can't I switch MY blog over to the new version?? It tells me I can. So, I go through all the motions, and then it tells me I can't. It says my blog might be too big? Really? I only have 266 posts. That's NOT a big blog. Puh-leeze.

WHY #3: WHY are the people in my city so mean, rude, and downright horrible during the holiday season? This is supposed to be a time of peace, love, and joy... and I've been cut off and/or tailgated by more rude drivers, nearly knocked over in a store by some biatch on a cell phone, had bad service with unpleasant-at-best servers at restaurants... more than at any other time of year. Happy Frickin' Holidays to you, too.... jerkfaces! I know people are stressed, but come on. Show a little kindness to your fellow neighbors, please.

WHY #4: Why is this story about a man saving dolphins with his super-sized long arms the most heart-warming thing I've heard all day?

WHY #5: Why... ummm... oh, just "why?" I might have to start a "Stupid Dumbasses" regular post just for people like this.

And that's concludes this week's Friday Why Files... this feature may or may not be back on a regular basis.

Can't Leave the Whiney/Whingey Post at the Top!

I'll leave you with a few random thoughts to ponder... I can't leave that whining mess at the top of my blog for too many days! ;-)

1. Yet again, there is a "movement" to pass some sort of legislation to impose restrictions on driving with cell phones.

Let me take a minute to say that I agree that "distracted driving" is definitely a problem. However, I do NOT think that government intrusion into my driving is going to solve the problem. If we ban cell phone use while driving, then we must also ban eating, drinking, smoking, listening to music, driving with passengers, spilling anything in the car, the possibility that bees might fly into the car and sting you while you drive (it happened to me once)... do you see where I'm going with this?

ANYTHING can be a distraction. I know someone who was killed because a grandma turned her head around for a split-second to ask her grandson a question. No cell phone involved. Just bad judgment.

I am just as frustrated as anyone else at the boneheads who can't seem to drive and talk on their phones simultaneously... but these are probably the people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time. Or sing and clap in rhythm. Or pat their heads while rubbing their tummies. Yes, driving distracted can be the same as a .08 blood alcohol level. Taking antihistamines before driving can also have a similar effect. Driving while sleepy... same deal. Can't we just do a better job of enforcing stiff penalties on reckless driving?

2. On to a cheerier thought... when I was a kid, I used to have a Disney album that was all original recordings from the movies. The songs ranged from the earliest Disney creations (aka Snow White warbling in some octave only dogs can hear to Someday My Prince Will Come) to Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, Bedknobs and Broomsticks... I think up through movies in the 70s. My sister and I used to play that album on an old turntable console that took up half our bedroom. I LOVED that album!!! Some of my favorite songs were on that record: Stay Awake, The Bare Necessities, The Age of Not Believing... and do you think I could find it on CD? Nope. It's all Disney hip hop now. Bah. I would have to buy the soundtrack from every movie to make my own compilation. I can't even find all the older songs on iTunes or any other digital music store. My kids have huge, supposedly all-encompassing Disney 6-CD set, but it doesn't have all the same songs. wah.

3. I've lost 6 lbs since Thanksgiving! Woot! Double woot! Clothes are already starting to fit better... and if I'm lucky, I'll be out of my fat clothes entirely by the end of January. *crossing fingers* ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

I have to go shop now. Bah humbug. just kidding

So, where was that Calgon again???

This has been my weekly pattern for the last few weeks...

Monday: Work
Monday evening: Work late, run to an appointment, help with a school activity. Get home around 9 or 10.

Tuesday: Work
Tuesday evening: Run kids somewhere or go to kids' activities.

Wednesday: Work
Wednesday evening: Run kid to confirmation, attend activities.

Thursday: Work
Thursday evening: Run kids somewhere or go to kids' activities.

Friday: Work
Friday evening: Run kids around town to performances or to hang out with their friends OR go to hockey game.

Saturday: Crash all day long from exhaustion.
Saturday night: if possible, hang out with the Farm Boy.

Sunday: Try to cram everything into one day that should have been accomplished over the weekend.

Next month, the schedule will stay about the same, plus I'll be adding a grad class on Monday nights.

I think I need a break.

A Christmas Letter I'd Like to Read...

julie_gong commented in my last post, regarding the fact that I will be writing a Christmas letter to send to family and friends. She and her family love reading those letters aloud with the main purpose of getting a good laugh at them. And I agree with her... these days, many Christmas letters are lame excuses to brag up your [job, accomplishments, kids, possessions] to the point that the recipient gradually begins to either a) feel inadequate, or b) call bullshit. (what?!? is this a swearing blog?!?)

I promise I will not be that Christmas-letter-writer-er. (it felt like it needed another "er")

So, why do people use the Christmas letter to tell us how amazing their lives are? Why can't they be more realistic? Sure, brag up your kids, etc. ... but then tell the truth, too.

Here's one I'd like to think is lingering out there somewhere:

Greetings from the Smith Family!

Hope the year has been good to you! I sure know it has been absolutely AMAZING for us!

Emma was the homecoming queen this year. She has a perfect grade point average in high school, is first in her class, and she will have a full ride to Harvard next year. Everyone just loves her! Jacob is on the champion club soccer team this year, and the girls in his class literally swoon every time he walks by. He's just getting so handsome! Everyone's SO jealous of our wonderful, fantastic children. Of course, there was that slight issue with the arrest, and the other problem with the positive reading on the EPT test, but we've moved on from that now.

Mother has moved in with us recently. We truly feel that our children will benefit from the intergenerational experience. She's also doing ever so much better since the attempted murder charges were dropped. Luckily, Dad doesn't hold a grudge for too long. Oh! And his gunshot wounds are healing nicely! He should be out of the hospital and back to his favorite cabin in no time. Good thing Mother isn't really a good shot.

My doctors are still trying to diagnose my symptoms. They're just not really sure what's wrong. My symptoms generally range from inappropriate happiness to bulging eyes, and occasionally, loss of contact with reality. But I know they'll figure something out soon! Meanwhile, the grapefruit diet is REALLY doing the trick!*

Anyhoo... that's all from us. We want to wish you a Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzaaKuh and a Happy New Year!

With Love, Kathy, Emma, Jacob, Grandma Ruth, Rags the Dog, Bananas the Kitty, Mr. Stripey the Fish, Lego the Lizard, and Nellie the Alpaca Smith


Now THAT'S a good holiday letter!

*This is my shout-out to maliavale and one of my favorite posts of all time. :-)

She's Making A Checklist... Checking It Twice...

Christmas Tasks

1. Gift Purchases:

a) Out-of-town Family-- YES, 4 out of 5 gifts ordered online (that's pretty good... all will be delivered by Christmas).

b) In-town Family-- YES, but only 2 out of 20 people are done (eek).

2. House Decorated: NOT YET, in fact there are still a few little pumpkin decorations hanging out in the living room. Wha???

3. Christmas tree purchased? NOT YET.

4. Cookies Baked? NONE (debating whether to bake "Christmas Poo" cookies again this year...) *

5. Holiday Letter mailed? NOPE, not even written yet.

6. Family Photo to send with Holiday Letter? Ummm... NO. For that to happen, we'd have to find a time when all six of us are together at one time. I might have to draw a picture... good thing I have some mad MS Paint skillz.

7. Presents wrapped? NO. See #1 above. Actually, the 4 presents I purchased online will be wrapped before shipping, so technically-- YES, but only 4.


So, yeah... I'm feeling rather confident that, even though I'll be working until at least 4:00pm on Friday, December 22... and even though we are busy every weeknight and weekend between now and Christmas, I'll be able to get this all done before Christmas.

Sure. No problem. And I'm also pretty sure there's a pretty little magical fairy who's going to ride into my bedroom tonight on a pretty little prancing unicorn to give me Samantha Stephens' (yes, from Bewitched) witch powers. I'll just twitch my nose, and everything will be done! *twinkle twinkle twink!*


*To date, the highest percentage of visits I get to this blog are from people looking for pictures of that "scatalogical counterpart to Santa Claus" (thank you, Wikipedia!) from South Park. I don't like adding his name in my posts, because the hits just grow and grow. Poor kids are so disappointed when they find me! ;-)

Typical Conversations around the Grumpy Household...

GrumpyFrump: OhmyGOD, your feet smell horrific!

FarmBoy: I don't love you anymore. In fact, I never loved you. Our marriage is a farce.

GF: Shut up. Nobody likes you.

FB: And then there's you who wants to lose 800 lbs...

GF: So you're saying I'm 800 lbs overweight?!?!? Maybe you should brush your teeth more often so your breath doesn't smell like rotten broccoli when you roll over and breathe in my face at night.

FB: You're stupid.

GF: No, YOU'RE stupid.

Can you feel the love (and also the incredible wit and intelligence)? Our 4th anniversary is in January, and I tell you... it doesn't get any better than this. Marriage is BLISS.

I Don't Want to be SMELLY no more!

Maliavale's recent post about deodorant got me thinking...

Do you think it's possible to build up a tolerance to deodorant/anti-perspirant? You know how, if you take too much Tylenol or Advil over a period of time, you will become more tolerant of the drug, thereby rendering it ineffective... right? Can that happen with deodorant? 'Cause I think I'm there. Either that, or my old-age-hormonal-changes are making me a sweaty, stinky chick.

I've been through the kind that rhymes with "Shove"-- although their 'real women' commercials are great, I'm not so sure that real women can actually depend on that stuff. I've been through the "Confidential" brand, too. Hate their commercials, and their product loses its effectiveness in about 30 minutes. So I went a little higher up on the deodorant food chain and tried that one about Temperature. It's supposed to be "body responsive." Yeah, right.

And Maliavale is right... depending upon the type of fabric I'm going to wear, I choose a different deodorant. Synthetic blends are just bad news! Nothing works with that stuff.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm not doing it right. Maybe I'm putting on too MUCH, and it's making things worse. Or maybe... I'm just stinky. I don't like that option. I'm going to try one more brand* (highly recommended) before I go all Matthew McConnaughey-I'm-stinky-but-I-don't-give-a-damn.


*I know I could go have my pits Botoxed, but that is just not an option. I'll go all stinky before I inject poison anywhere in my body.

My Coffee Date with -R- and her hubby, -H-

Click the picture to view a larger strip.

I had a very nice time talking with -R- and her hubby, -H-! They had some great stories, and they even suffered through the pictures of my kids (hey, I'm a mom, remember!). This was my first-ever-bloggy-friend-meeting, and I'm so glad I could spend it with these two fabulous people!

Hopefully, there will be a "next time," and I might even convince the Farm Boy to join us. Maybe we'll just plan our own midwest Bloggy conference and party it up. Who knows.

Post-Thanksgiving Observations...

1. Eating in moderation at your Thanksgiving dinner only does you good if you eat in moderation for the remainder of the week. If, per chance, you eat buttered popcorn at the movies on Thanksgiving evening, and more popcorn again Friday... and then make poor food choices Saturday and Sunday... you are going to feel like you stuffed yourself worse than a Turducken. Bad news.

2. I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. We should get two weeks of for Thanksgiving.

3. -R- and her husband H are very cool people! :-) Since no cameras were allowed at our coffee Friday morning, I shall have to work up a comic-strip rendering later this week.

4. I am so not in the mood for Christmas music yet. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE Christmas! I'm just not ready for FOUR local radio stations to dedicate their entire programming to 24-7 Christmas tunes already. Sheesh. It's still November!

5. I have continued my tradition of staying the heck out of the stores on Black Friday. Those 5am-er shoppers are nutso. Besides, when I have a day off, there's no way in HELL I'm getting out of bed before 8am.

6. Our extended family has a tradition of going to a movie on Thanksgiving night. We've seen some really good movies each time, so it's something I actually look forward to seeing. This year, we watched The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. I was NOT looking forward to this movie. Fifteen minutes into the movie, I fell asleep (thankfully). I woke up for the last 10 minutes. I think it was worth my eight bucks for the naptime... the movie? Not so much.

7. Unlike many other sports, no one in hockey seems the least bit concerned with blood stains on the ice. In every other sport, some dude with rubber gloves is all over it with the bleach and the biohazard-emergency-attitude. In hockey, the bleeder just skates off the ice, and they play on. It does make for some very interesting art-like patterns on the ice, though.

That's about it, I think. I'll probably be on a liquid diet for the next two days to hopefully undo some of the damage I inflicted on my system. And it's back to the grindstone until my next holiday vacation. Gah.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Goofy Gobbles. He wants to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! (actually, I just want to show off my mad MS Paint skillz, but shh! don't tell!)

I'm thankful for:

1. My family- the Farm Boy, our children, and extended families

2. A roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, and food to keep me from being hungry

3. My Bloggy friends

4. the fact that the majority of the things I rant about on this blog are truly "trivial," and that when stepping back, I know that I live a very good life

Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. I'm going to watch a little bit of the parade, and then we'll go spend time with the extended family and stuff ourselves silly. By the end of the day, I'll probably look like Goofy Gobbles.

Happy Thanksgiving! (and happy Wednesday to all of you outside the US)

Hey, You All...

There are many things I love about living nearly smack dab in the middle of this country… probably enough to fill an entire post. But there are some things that I definitely wish were different.

One of those wishes is completely ridiculous, but it’s still MY wish. I wish I had an accent. I’m not sure exactly WHICH accent I’d want, but anything would be better than my plain, flat, midwest-not-really-there accent.

Some companies like this flat non-accent so much, they base their telemarketing divisions here. I live in what very well may be the telemarketing capital of the world because of this fact. Big deal. So what? People can understand me… and, sometimes, that’s not necessarily to my advantage. *ahem*

The other disadvantage to my absence of accent is I’m very susceptible to other people’s accents. If you’re from the southern US, and you speak to me for a period of more than 5 seconds, I will immediately and most subconsciously adopt your accent. I’m not making fun of you… I promise! I can’t help it… it just happens.

I spent two weeks in Great Britain once… about a week in England and another week in Scotland. Oh, that was a FUN TRIP!!! Nearly every day, I had a new accent! The Queen’s English Proper, Cockney, Liverpoolian, Scottish brogue… I tell you, I was in heaven! (I know these aren't the actual terms for these accents. They're my terms. And this is my blog. Live with it.)

Traveling to the east and west coasts of the US is always interesting for me. I rarely pick up on a thick Brooklyn accent, although I find it absolutely fascinating. New England vowels form very easily for me, though, as do the surfer-speak and valley-speak of certain parts of the west coast.

Oh, and all you Aussies… LOVE IT. I can’t fake the way you speak, but I’m sure if I spent much time there, I would pick it up immediately. The Farm Boy agreed that our next cruise will be heading that way, so I’m most optimistic!

The odd part about where I live is that, if you drive 50 minutes south of my home, you’ll hear the southern accent start to pick up a little. My ex-husband, who was from the southern part of our state, couldn’t say “chicken” in less than three syllables. Travel about 50 minutes north, and folks get a little more Scandinavian with every vowel, don’t you know… you betcha!

So that’s it. I’m a boring articulator. But know that, if we ever meet in person, you’ll understand every word I say… and I might unknowingly steal your accent.

4 Pairs of Shears, Two Types of Clippers, Two Razors, and a LOT of Red Flags...

The Farm Boy has needed a hair cut for months. Not weeks... months. I finally convinced him today that he couldn't put it off any longer. It wasn't too terribly long-- he didn't look like he had skater hair or anything, but it was long for him. He doesn't go to the same stylist I do; he'd rather walk into a mall, see who has an opening, and take his chances. Usually, it works out okay.

Today... not so much. To be honest, the cut is actually good. It's really short, and it looks nice. But the experience is the one thing I knew I'd be posting about, and oddly enough, so did he.

We walked into the salon, asked for whoever was available, and were told it would be about 15 minutes. No problem. We walked around the mall a little bit, took a quick side trip into Vickie's Confidential Information, and arrived back at the salon in just under 15 minutes. We sat down. In the meantime, the Farm Boy told me that it was imperative I come with him and sit nearby, because he hates the kind of small talk that most hair stylists have with new or unfamiliar clients. No problem... I like to do that anyway, because then I can tell the stylist what I want for him. ;-)

About 5 minutes later, the stylist comes over to us and tells us it's going to be just a few minutes longer. She's a little weird and mysterious about it... I can't explain exactly why. She doesn't look strange, other than I'm pretty sure that shade of red lipstick takes turpentine to remove. But no big deal, right? Or is this a red flag?

Because I'm a people-watcher, she immediately strikes me as someone to observe. I watch her go back to her chair, and she asks the client in the chair to stand up. This girl's cut looks really good, but the stylist is fussing over little stray hairs.... looking very determined. She fluffs and fluffs, and then switches the part and cuts some more. Fluffs again, and switches the part again. Cut, cut, cut. Okay, so either she's really detail-oriented, or maybe she has a fussy customer. 15 minutes later (we've now waited 30 minutes total), she finishes with this client and is ready for the Farm Boy. She then spends another 5 minutes with the first customer going over the bill. We'll call this Red Flag #2.

So we walk back to her chair. And I notice she's a bit of a fussbudget. And maybe a little bit flighty. And maybe a little skittish. She keeps talking and flitting about without really saying anything or doing anything productive. Oh, boy... the Farm Boy is going to hate this. Red Flag #3.

She asks about his hair, how he wants it, and what she should do. That takes me literally 15 seconds to explain. (A little background information... he was once a military man, and he likes his hair short. It's really easy to explain what he wants, and every stylist we've ever had has been able to listen and do exactly what he wants with no problems whatsoever)

She takes him back to shampoo, and I stay in the chair. When they come back, she's giving him advice on Nioxin (yikes... he's going to be thrilled with that) and he's giving me THE LOOK. I find out later that she explained every detail to him as she was shampooing. "Now, Farm Boy, what I'm using is a peppermint shampoo." He tells me later that, apparently, the strong, pepperminty aroma wasn't enough to give that away.

She straps on a cute little holster bag with all her shears, razors, etc. I think that's pretty cool, because she seems a little absent-minded. Unfortunately, I'm right, because she keeps using some shears and then setting them on her counter... only to forget a minute later where she's put them. She wrestles with the mass of cords that is the result of curling irons, straighteners, hair dryerS, and three different types of clippers. Red Flags #4 and 5. She proceeds to use 4 different types of shears and two different clippers on him. Oh, and two different razors. Red Flags are flying all over the place!

Okay, I have to figure out how to summarize the description.... there's just too much to tell. She keeps stopping to scrutinize her work, then she finds some little stray miniscule hair somewhere, and out come the shears again. One time, she asks him if he'd like her to trim his eyebrows... and his eyebrows really aren't a problem. The Farm Boy is a good-looking guy, but a metrosexual he is not. He arrived at the mall in a leather jacket, Poker t-shirt, jeans, and brown shoes with WHITE socks (he doesn't always listen to my fashion advice). Anyone who looked twice at him would know this. She clips the brows anyway.

Let's just wrap it up with this: usually, a stylist takes the clippers to him, finishes up with some shaping (using a clipper guard) and a normal set of shears, and voila! Done in 10 minutes. 15 minutes if it's been a few months between cuts.

Today... my husband was in the chair for over 45 MINUTES. MY hair cuts WITH STYLING don't even take 45 minutes, and I have a lot more hair! Every time I thought they were finished, she'd swing him around in the chair in some hurried fashion and then obsess over some other part of his head. And each time he was facing me, his eyes would plead for me to save him. THE LOOK. Oh, and there's THE LOOK again. I had to bite my tongue just to stop from laughing my ass off.

The minute we left the salon, I lost it. I couldn't help from laughing. He just said, "Oh. My. God. That was EXACTLY what I wanted to avoid. What a psycho!" He kept going on and on about it, and I laughed all the way out to the car.

In her defense, I'm sure she's in that 'artiste' mode, and she really is pretty good, albeitSLOOOOOOWWW, at what she does. I've seen painters fuss over a piece they just can't get right. I've done the same thing with some of my cooking experiments when I can't exactly get the right flavor. I've even seen some stylists do this with MY hair. However, I think you need to read your customers and know who needs the fussing and who doesn't. Four other guys came into the same salon today to a different stylist... and were in and out in the time it took this one woman to cut the Farm Boy's hair. And as uncomfortable as it was for him, it was extremely entertaining for me. I wish I would have had my camera with me. ;-) So, Farm Boy... lesson learned? Find a barber, and make appointments. Walk-Ins may be welcome, but you pay the price. haha

I can't really do this post justice... this woman was something to be experienced. She defies written description and explanation. I'm not even sure I should post it, because it doesn't read as "funny" as it actually was.

A "Looks Like I'm Batchin' It Tonight" Friday Why Files

WHY #1: Why did I lie down last night at 8pm only to awaken at 3:30am? Wow. That was some heavy sleepin'! Farm Boy is out of town, so I guess that's okay.

WHY #2: Why don’t people listen to me when I tell them things? Honestly… if I had a nickel for every time someone has said, “I wish I had listened to you in the first place”… I’d probably have a bajillion, kajillion nickels. (and since those are made up numbers, I have no clue how to convert them to US dollars). When are people going to realize that I KNOW stuff?!?!? Gah. Incidentally, I don’t know everything, but I do know quite a lot of stuff. Seriously. Believe me, because later on, you’ll wish that you had. ;-)

WHY #3: Why would I want a “pan, a comb, and perhaps a cat?” I’m allergic to cats, but that one I can understand. The other two, though? Huh? What if I want a brush instead? And the pan? Does that mean I’m expected to cook? Puh. Leeze.

WHY #4: I know it’s a tradition, not anything new, and I’m not really asking WHY they make it... what I want to know is WHY do people actually DRINK this stuff?

The dessert sodas… sure. Great. But Turkey and Gravy soda? Pea soup soda? Excuse me. I may go retch now.

WHY #5: Why can’t we sue parents for being interminably stupid? And why do I have a sinking feeling that they’ll probably win in court anyway?

Parents sue Starbucks over child's burns (IndyStar.com)

Hmmm… it was hot chocolate. HOT chocolate. Not LUKEWARM chocolate. Nor was it TEPID chocolate.

Personally, when I go through a drive-thru and order a hot drink, I put it in the cup holder until it’s no longer nuclear. Never, and I repeat NEVER, would I pass along a hot cup of anything to a child. Period.

We must stop rewarding the morons with big settlements won in frivolous lawsuits. However, if you think about it, most often they are decided by a jury of their peers. Their peers are probably morons, too.

Don’t you wish Common Sense came in a pill? Ah, but I digress…


This concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Happy Friday!

It's a Vicious Cycle, I tell ya...

Scenario:

1. Get sick. Sleep constantly. Lose all energy and desire to be active.
2. Get misdiagnosed as depressed.
3. For one month, take antidepressants that make you so jazzed that your heart beats out of control, you can't swallow, and you can't stop shaking your legs.
4. Get prescription changed... now, all you do is sleep, sleep, sleep... even more than before diagnosis.
5. Stay on those antidepressants for 6 months.
6. Complain to doctor that you're getting worse, not better.
7. Go through multiple blood tests, sleep studies, blah, blah, blah to find out what is wrong with you. No answer. It's now been almost two years since first symptoms, and you sleep more than tree sloths. Oh, and you've gained nearly 10 lbs.
8. Switch doctors.
9. Finally get diagnosed correctly.
10. New doctor prescribes steroid treatment.
11. Gain 10 more lbs.
12. Finally have surgery, et voila! You're cured.
13. However, you're 20 lbs overweight, and your body hates you.
14. Try working out again.
15. Your back screams obscenities at you and refuses to function properly.
16. Doctor prescribes physical therapy,
17. Attend regular PT sessions for about 6 months and notice that some of the weight is even coming off.
18. PT Works! Hallelujah!
19. Start working out slowly again.
20. Increase working out steadily.
21. Your back starts its old habits again... and its swearing would make sailors blush.
22. Back goes out.
23. Spend the whole day in bed.
24. Back REALLY hurts now, and you're tired all over again.
25. Hope to hell you only have to go back to step 16.