The One Where She Jumps on Her Giant Soapbox...

Hi. I made it through November 11th (for this year anyway). I didn't disappear into some super-phantasmagorical realm or something to that effect. How do I feel about it? It wasn't really that big of a deal, now that I have the benefit of hindsight.

Worrying over something so trivial got me really thinking over the weekend: I'm scared. I'm really, REALLY scared. There are days when I feel like people are messed up to the point where we/they can no longer be straightened out.

In the past month, I listened to a bunch of people run campaigns about getting back to "values," and then proceed to spend millions of dollars to run someone else's name through the mud.

I've listened to too many news reports about the who/what/where of Tomas Crazy and his hypnotized/mind-melded fiancee's wedding; who will sing, how much her dress will cost, blah, blah, blah.

I've silently cheered at a young woman's choice to divorce the trashy, flea-bitten parasite whom she should never have married in the first place... only to then be blackmailed by same parasite if she doesn't give him more money. And I don't even like HER.

I've seen all those steps that women like Gloria Steinem paved for young women -- to be taken seriously, to be seen as human beings and not objects-- flushed down the toilet, because it's ever so much better to be sexy and act like a bimbo.

I've read tons of blogs about people obsessed with celebrities, obsessed with themselves, obsessed with ANYTHING that makes you feel good, no matter what the human cost.

And I have to be honest... I'm really distressed (quelle surprise). I worry about my kids and what they'll have to endure. I worry that NOBODY ELSE worries about what really matters anymore.

Yeah, sure... I freaked out about a number. A little bit. When it came right down to it, it wasn't on my priority thought list. It was a funny, little freaky thing that was more entertaining than upsetting.

I'm a lot more freaked out about where we'll be in a couple of years if all our country can do is to pit red states vs blue states... or push the blame for society's ills on to the "Scapegoat of the Year" .... or God forbid... allow Jessica Simpson to make another movie.

What I wish for... what I truly want... is for people to reflect upon what really matters.

...to give a little break to that idiot who just cut you off in traffic, who maybe isn't the arsehole you think she is... maybe she's not there to make your life difficult. Maybe her life is hard, too.

...to consider donating to or working at a safe house or soup kitchen... instead of griping that you have to serve both turkey AND ham at Thanksgiving this year to appease everyone.

...to stop making everything out to be a conspiracy and find a way to work together toward a common goal.

...to smile at that punk kid who skateboards over your lawn, because you might be the only person who shows him any sign of kindness today. And because you wouldn't want to live in his house.

We don't have to come together and sing Kum Ba Ya... but we do need to figure this out. Little things could make such a difference. So, why don't we do them?

Wasn't in Portland and I Wasn't In Heaven...

I’m not a superstitious person by nature. Black cat crossing my path? Pshaw. No big deal. Spilled salt? No, I’m not going to toss it over my shoulder… I’m more concerned for the poor schlump sitting behind me who might get salt in his eye if I do. I do believe in ghosts, but I’ve never seen one (as much as I love Ghost Hunters, I personally do not want a head-to-head encounter with a ghost).

BUT… (and it’s a big but)…

I’m really freaked out about this stupid 11:11 thing. There. I’ve said/typed it. Out loud. Kind of.

In my sidebar, I’ve kept a tally of how many times I’ve seen 11:11 on a clock, on a timestamp, anywhere. Counting today, I’ve seen it 23 times in just over a month. I know, I know. If you’re thinking about it, you’re more likely to see it. I know! But honestly… I’m not clock-watching just to see it. It actually surprises me when I do see it, because I am not expecting it.

This site has some 'spiritual' contexts of what 11:11 is all about.

Oh... and guess what the date is Saturday? Gah. Superstitious? No. Paranoid? Absolutely.

I know I'm making too much of this. I'm an idiot.

Anal Retentive, Obsessive, Compulsive Freaks...

Consider this...

* Got in line behind a truck at an auto-carwash today. I haven't washed my vehicle (*cough, cough* loser cruiser *cough cough*) for well over a month. The truck directly in front of me looked like it had been washed, ummm... maybe three MINUTES before. Seriously. Shiny. Clean. And he was in line for the car wash. Did I mention how clean his truck already was???

I, on the other hand, was already semi-late for an 8:00pm appointment, and I just wanted to wash the top layer of grime off my automobile. Instead, I have to wait for this guy with the sparkly, shiny clean truck to go through the wash. No, he did not choose the Basic Wash. No, he did not choose the Premium Wash. No, he did not choose the Super Deluxe Wash. He chose the Ultimate, Super-dee-DUPER Fabo-Wash that only compulsive-freaks-whose-cars-are-already-clean choose. It's a seven-freaking-minute long wash. gah.

I have a neighbor who is kind of like this guy. He washes his truck in his driveway, all summer long, every single day. He mows his lawn, during the summer (yes, the scorching midwest summer heat), every single day.

I can't figure out people like this.

*And then there is the OTHER side of compulsive. Like this lady (thanks to Sarcomical for pointing her out!). Crazy EBay lady is the only person on this planet, except for my sister, who can make me feel like there is yet hope for me in my crusade not to be a complete, utter slob. Holy Hell in a Hand Grenade... this poor woman needs help.

Sadly, I can see how some people can get like that.

Migraines Suck...

I've been home all day with a migraine from hell. It's mostly gone now, but my head still feels like it's in a vise. I woke up with this nightmare... which means it was too late to take any medicine. I tried to do so later and just hurled it all back up. Fun day.

Thank God for sick days. And also for husbands who will go to Chipotle to bring you dinner after you haven't eaten a thing all day.

Another Random Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why am I saddened by the Reese/Ryan split? Why do I even care? Well, I guess I don't really CARE, if I truly think about it (I'm just not into the celebrity worship thing)... but they were one couple I was rooting for.

WHY #2: Why can't there be a law that restricts any candidates from advertising on TV or radio? or for that matter, on my Internets or on my newspaper? I know why... I'm just saying that I'm really, REALLY tired of all the campaign ads in all of those media options. Tuesday can't arrive soon enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Here's the bigger issue... NONE of those ads influence me in the right way. Start slinging mud at your opponent, and you might negatively sway my vote the other way. As far as the issues are concerned, I'm going to find any shred of objective literature about a candidate, but that's it. Telling me that your opponent wants to raise my taxes makes no difference to me. I don't believe anything that any of you say anyway. BTW... this is a non-partisan blog. No party loyalties will be listed here. Period.

WHY #3: Why isn't there a food network show telling us that you can substitute marijuana for oregano? Or is this wife's claim to force her detective husband into retirement by purposefully making him fail his drug test valid? Yikes.

WHY #4: Why does anyone go to a salon for waxing? Don't answer... just read this article from a CBS station in New York: "Salon Rips Flesh Off Customer's Lips During Waxing"

Let's hope they don't provide Brazilian waxing at that salon. Ouchie.


That's all I have now, I guess. After that last one, I'm just sitting here wincing... unable to think anymore. So...

This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Happy Friday.

Gripe O' The Day...

Yes, I have a gripe, and I know how to use it.

It's Daylight Saving Time (ON and OFF). WHY, oh why are we still practicing this evil piece of no-goodery?!? I know, I know. You can all explain to me why it was first initiated and maybe even present some justifiable case studies of why we should follow its theories. However, here's what I think:

I think it messes with my internal clock like no one's business.

I think it fools me in the fall when we're off DST into thinking that that extra hour of sleep will be oh-so-welcome and grand. In the spring, it makes me cranky knowing that I'm going to lose one more hour of my precious, luxurious sleep.

I think all the farmers I have ever met have lights on their combines/tractors (I don't know the difference, so don't ask)... and they don't need that extra hour of daylight anymore.

I think it's a waste of my time to find every non-computerized clock in the house to fall back or spring ahead (it really scares the crap out of me when I glance at that ONE clock I missed, and I seem to fall into this black hole of time warpiness... not really sure of what time it REALLY is).

I think falling back this past weekend didn't make it any easier waking up in the morning, but I sure as hell am more tired at night. In the past two days, I've been asleep before 10pm. WHA? Not cool.

End of today's gripe.

Happy Halloween...

I love this holiday… it’s so much fun. Plus, it’s the one day a year when I DON’T have to wear a costume! Yay!

For all you wondering what I really look like… here I am!


Thanks to www.avatarsdb.com for hosting my picture.

Have a great Halloween… and eat LOTS of candy!!

Stupid Is as Stupid Does...

Do you ever amaze even yourself with the sheer number of stupid and/or embarrassing things you do? No? Really? Ahem. Me, neither.

Okay, well, maybe I do. Most days, I pride myself in being a particularly intelligent individual. There are those instances, however, where I say or do something so blatantly stupid, it scares me a little.

A few years ago, I took the kids to school and returned back home to shower in peace and quiet. The Farm Boy had already left for his commute, and the place was all mine. I jumped in the shower and commenced sudsing (yes, it is a word… maybe). I realized that I hadn’t yet brushed my teeth, and I had this horrible dragon-breath-taste in my mouth. I decided to take a quick gulp of water from the shower, and then spit it right back out. However, I inhaled at the same time I gulped, and a fairly good amount of water traveled straight down through my trachea instead. I couldn’t breathe. At. All. I couldn’t get the water back up either. So, as I was panicking, hitting myself in the abdomen to try the self-Heimlich, my only thoughts were, “Great. I’m going to choke to death on about 1/3 cup of water… naked… in the shower… and this is how they’re going to find me.” Luckily, the 11th or 12th blow to the gut brought the water back up.

I’m not exactly sure what the lesson was I learned that day… but it’s probably something along the lines of “DON’T DRINK ALONE” or “DON’T SHOWER ALONE.” Either one works for me.

Happy Birthday, Grumpy Frump...

Yay, we’re ONE today. (I made/drew the cutest cake, but Blogger won't let me upload. Grrr.)

Oddly, it seems like I’ve been doing this for more than a year, though. I like to think that I’ve made some interesting new friends, even if I don’t know you face-to-face. Your advice, your humor… it’s all been a very welcome and unexpected benefit to blogging.

When I first started, I had no idea what I really wanted to do with my personal blog. My other blog is easy… it’s about my profession and what I do for a living. This one became a place where I could rant and get some of the craziness out of my head…. a place where I could ask the WHY’s of life’s insanity, as well as a place to ponder “stuff,” celebrate, and even whine.

So, regardless of whether this place is important to anyone else… it’s important to me. And that’s why I do it.

So, again… YAY! We’re one. Now, let’s get ready for the Terrible Twos.


On a sad note, I regret to inform you that a star figure in one of my past posts has passed on. My betta, Inigo Montoya, moved on to that great fish tank in the sky yesterday. His passing is a bit of a mystery… either he died of natural causes and floated into the filter, or he pulled a Nemo and swam in on sheer determination. Last night, when I walked over to his tank, I didn’t see him anywhere. Finally, I noticed his tailfin sticking out of the bottom of the tank filter. :-( I’m actually depressed that my fish died. I’m not typically a fish killer… I once had a goldfish that lived over five years. Every time he looked like he was on his last fin, we’d pop half an aspirin and a small ice cube into his bowl… and he’d perk right up. No such luck for Inigo.

RIP
Inigo Montoya, coolest Betta ever
January, 2006 – October, 2006

Now You See It... Now You Don't... Now You See It Again

My blog disappeared for most of the day today. That was a little scary. Tomorrow is Grumpy Frump's 1st Birthday, and it would have really sucked to be 'absent' for one's own birthday.

Whew.

See you tomorrow. I hope.

Somewhat Disjointed Thoughts from a Somewhat Coherent Grump.

1. Some days, I really hate being a girl. See... my lipstick is smeared a la Courtney Love, and my hair is a mess. If I were a guy, I'd get up, shower, run a comb through my hair, put on a shirt, tie, and pants, and be done. But no. I had to be born a chick. Gah.

2. I was watching Biography the other night, and the subject was Vampyres (yes, the spelling is correct). I’ve had some fascination with this particular topic for a long time and have even posted about one interesting self-proclaimed vampire before.

What I found interesting is that, according to one of the vampyres interviewed for this Biography special (an interview with a vampyre… hmmm.), you might be a vampyre if:

a) you’re extremely sensitive to light… CHECK.
b) you’re extremely sensitive to touch… CHECK.
c) you’re tired all the time…. CHECK CHECK.
d) you feel more alive at night (not a morning person)… CHECK CHECK CHECK

Apparently, I’m a vampyre. Oddly enough, my dentist did file my cuspids (canine teeth) down so they weren’t so pointy. Hmmm…

3. I guess you can get an auric cleansing/cleaning if your karma is bad. This site proclaims that they can “remove past-life ‘baggage’ forever” and that it is much more “powerful than psychology.” Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I need an auric cleaning. Maybe all my vampyric activity in a past life is weighing me down in this life.*

4. Good news: I am excused from jury duty. Woot!

5. Oh... and what I'm wearing today at work? SO frumpy. What was I thinking? Again, if I were a guy, I wouldn't even care.

That’s all I have today. It’s better than what I’ve had the past few days (aka NADA).

* If you think I’m serious about any of this, I hate to disappoint you… but NO. No, no, no, no, NO. I’m not. Not one bit. Nope.

The Grump has been temporarily detained...

Just wanted to quickly post an "I'm Sorry" to all of you whose blogs I read regularly... I haven't been regularly reading anything lately. I'm hoping this week will get a little better, and I can get back to reading and commenting again. Not that you even care... but if you do, I am sorry.

Oh, and I really need to do some upkeep on "All the Cool Kids," as there are some I need to add and some I should maybe remove... not because they're not cool kids, but because they don't even blog anymore.

Also, my 1st Bloggy-versary is this Friday, so I should probably be around for that. :-)

So... I hope to be visiting you soon again! Have a great week.

A Thank God It’s Friday-Why Files…

WHY #1: Why is the dream I had before awaking this morning still haunting me now? I’m not going to list it here… it was that disturbing. The thing is, I don’t mind scary dreams, as long as they don’t involve someone/thing hurting my family. I don’t even mind those scary ‘chase’ dreams where I am running and running from something, and then wake up with my heart racing.

The ones that really freak me out are those dreams where I am someone so far and away outside my own personality. Sometimes, I’m the one chasing some helpless person. Other times, like this morning, I act in such a manner that it’s simply too shameful to think about. I’m shuddering even as I’m typing this. I don’t want some major dream analysis… I know I can talk to experts (or even search the web) for the reasons I’m dreaming like this. I just can’t shake this ‘disturbed’ feeling this morning. Why can’t I remember the really amazingly good dreams as well as I remember this one? Bleh.


WHY #2: While I understand the principle behind our Double Jeopardy laws in this country (for those of you who don't know this—basically, you can’t be tried for the same crime twice if you are acquitted the first time), sometimes, I think it’s really stupid. If new evidence comes to light, or if maybe the first trial was such a sham in the first place, a person should have to face the music, so to speak. Right?

I’m not saying anyone is guilty here, but… well, I’m just sayin.’



WHY #3: Why is 90% of the Entertainment “NEWS” (and I use that term very lightly) about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and/or Nicole Richie? These three girls are like gold mines to the tabloid rags. I guess I just answered my own question… HOWEVER, if I see any of the three of them on a magazine cover or web news article, I just move along. I’m not going to support their drama, nor the media’s fascination with them.


WHY #4: Why do we need Smell-A-Vision? Do we really need to be able to smell what’s going on in TV land? Sure, the Food Network might be fun… all those fabulous, fattening concoctions Miss Paula Deen makes. Yum! But what about Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs on Discovery? There are a few of those episodes I’m thanking the heavens that I can’t smell what he’s doing. Or maybe Six Feet Under? Well, maybe if you’re partial to the aroma of embalming fluid, that could be your thing.




WHY #5: Why am I blogging at work? EEK. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.
Well, actually I’m only posting this at work. I wrote the rest earlier this morning, before coming in. :-)


And that concludes Today’s Friday Why Files…

Gee, Your Hair Smells Like... Pot Roast?

One of my pet peeves is going to a restaurant for lunch, and then having to go back to work smelling like that restaurant. The worst is when you can't get the smell out of your hair until you wash it again.

I know there are some hair refreshers out there... anyone have a favorite? Jonathan has one, but I've never tried it.

There's just no TIME!

See Grumpy.

See Grumpy awaken 2 hours earlier than she normally does.

See Grumpy go to work 2 hours earlier than she normally does.

See Grumpy work as late as she usually does.

See Grumpy return home.

See Grumpy eat dinner with half-closed eyelids.

See Grumpy run to kids' activities, etc.

See Grumpy return home.

See Grumpy fall into her bed at 8:30pm.

See Grumpy missing all her Bloggy Friends. :-(

An Unlucky Friday The 13th Why Files...

WHY #1: Madonna adopts Malawi boy. Why? Is she jealous of Angelina and Brad? Has she been out of the eyes of the press too long, so this is a great idea to pump up her press coverage? Is she really as ‘humanitarian’ as she professes to be? If not, is that why the Eye of the Child group is challenging the adoption process in this case?

WHY #2: Why could I care less that today is Friday the 13th, but freak out when the Farm Boy calls me today exactly at 11:11????

WHY #3: This is still under investigation… but WHY would anyone alter photos of kids? You’ll have to read it and view the photo to believe it. Woman sues school photographer for alleged doctored photos.

WHY #4: Chef makes gown of cream puffs for his own lovely bride. I’m not even going there.

WHY #5: Woman kills husband after being released from jail. She was already in jail for killing one of her sons. Once released (early release due to terminal illness), she proceeded to go home and kill her husband. She stabbed him with a knife… in the throat. Yikes. She has noted several times, that if they don’t send her back to jail, she’ll kill her second son. Hmmm… what ever shall we do with her?

And that concludes today’s Friday the 13th Why Files…

Things I'm Embarrassed I Still Own...

This post is a result of a 'direct order' from Stacy... or at least, that's how I read it. :-)

I am such a packrat, it's shameful. So shameful, in fact, that I found entirely too many items that I have no business keeping. So shameful, that my storage room is a mysterious labyrinth that needs that bossy lady from TLC's Clean Sweep (is that show even on anymore?) to come around. I think she'd crumble under the pressure, though.

My 'collectibles' have waned over the years, though. There's not enough room for all my crap AND all my kids' crap, AND all the Farm Boy's crap.

So... here we go!



I'm not really embarrassed by the fact that I have these books... nor am I embarrassed that I have had them since I was in 1st or 2nd grade. I am embarrassed that I left them in a cellar in my old house 10 years ago... and they are now mildewed. I'm not going to give them away, though.

George of the Jungle, Beethoven, and Abs of Steel. I can rationalize these by the following three statements: 1 )Brendan Fraser is in George of the Jungle... enough said. 2) Tami Lee Webb is annoying as hell, but her abs workouts work. 3) Ummm... I love Charles Grodin? (maybe not)

Mickey Mouse Keds. They look almost new, but I've had them for probably 10 or 12 years. Maybe longer. I will never wear them again, but I don't throw them out or give them away. WHY???

Remember these cans? I think they used to have popcorn in them. I have a bunch of OLD photos stored in this one, so I guess I'm keeping the can.

This is my button collection. These are buttons that come attached to items you purchase, so that if you lose a button, you can easily replace it. Apparently, I have never lost any buttons from my clothes, because this collection is even bigger than I thought it was. The buttons are still in their little plastic zip baggies.

Gah. Scrunchies. I only wear them to bed, I promise. (anyone recognize what's behind them???)

And finally... the catch-what's-left photo: A Ziggy Christmas glass (Ziggy was my hero in 4th grade), a Backstreet Boys Black and Blue CD (I know), a Paddington notepad I've had since 3rd or 4th grade and never used because then I wouldn't have any more papers with the cute little Paddington stamp on them and then what would I do???, and a pair of wooden apple earrings that some student probably bought me when I was a teacher. The earrings are almost as big as my ears.

There it is... sadly, I could fill a blog post everyday for a month with stuff I should just toss. I'm so depressed now. Gah.

Certifiable, Parts Un et Deux...

1. You know you are losing it when, upon glancing in the mirror you keep on your desk to prevent anyone from sneaking up on you, you think you see a person standing very quietly behind you… and you are slightly startled… but then realize that it is just your own. freaking. arm.

2. You commit the sin of listening to iTunes with earbuds at your computer. That alone is not the sin. The sin is FORGETTING that you have earbuds in and no one else can hear the music emanating from the illustrious iTunes. Oh, but they can surely hear you rocking out to ELO’s All Over the World .

Do these two events sum up my character in general, or could they have anything to do with the fact that I fell down 6 or 7 stairs this morning*? Hmmm…..


*At least I have a dog to blame for this one (he tripped me in his excitement to go to the family room and play), and at least the stairs were carpeted. And nothing seems to have been permanently damaged. And thank goodness I wasn't seriously hurt, since no one was home, and I wasn't near a phone. And boy, doesn't this sound like a great scenario for one of those commercials where "I've fallen, and I can't get up!?!"

Thoughts to Ponder Today...

1. Should we just stop publicizing all the school shootings? Does the media coverage encourage others to jump on the bandwagon, or do we need to be informed so that we can attempt to stop the madness?

2. Will I ever be reimbursed for my time and money that was wasted seeing Employee of the Month? (it was my step-daughter’s choice, not mine) It had its moments, and I did laugh quite a few times here and there... Andy Dick is pretty fun... but I would rather have seen it on cable or something.

3. How many past and future posts will I dedicate to the fact that I am not a morning person and that I struggle to get to work on time every single day?

3a. While I’m on the subject, how many times will I play the game with myself where I wake up later and later, totally sure of the fact that I can get ready more and more quickly than before??? Especially when I. Never. Win. That. Game.

3b. Will the time change make mornings any easier? At least for a little while?

4. After the spinach scare, and now the lettuce in CA where e. coli was also found… will I ever be able to eat a salad again? I love salads. :-(

5. I choose to live in a region where the weather changes so drastically that, in less than one week, we go from a day where temps hit 90 degrees F as a high to a day where the low will be around 28 degrees F. If it rains, we’ll have snow that day.

Did I mention that I CHOOSE to live here? (kind of)

SO… my closet has to hold shorts and summer shirts as well as sweaters, scarves, and gloves… because you never know which you’re going to need from day to day. Economically speaking, I’d be stupid to move… but this is getting ridiculous.

6. Does the fact that I continue to see 11:11 everywhere have any significance whatsoever? I'm going to start keeping track of it in the sidebar. I do not make a conscious effort to look at the clock daily to see if it is 11:11. It's just a glance up and WHA! There it is again. Creepy. On November 11, I'm going to paranoid all day long.

Do the Knee-Jerk! Da-da-da-da-da-dee-da-DUH!

I don’t need to write a post that asks what in Hades is this world coming to… there are plenty of others who are doing just that. With all the school shootings and crazies who are targeting children nowadays… that question seems to be on a lot of our minds lately.

However, some of the reactions and ideas about how to prevent these tragedies remind me quite a bit of the TSA’s decision to ban me from carrying my Beauty Rush lip gloss (cherry-licious flavored*) because I MIGHT have some kind of chemical in that itty-bitty tube that could cause someone harm. It's called KNEE JERK. The description, "knee jerk," sounds stupid because it IS. It's a reflex, not a deliberate, conscious reaction.

The most recent asinine ‘solution’ comes from the Wisconsin state representative, Frank Lasee. What, you ask, is this astute chap suggesting we do to prevent nutjobs from entering our schools and shooting at our kids? Why, arm the teachers, of course! Yes, that’s right. He wants to put guns in the hands of teachers and other school faculty to keep our kids safe from outside assailants. Huh? Wha?

Off the top of my head, here are a few responses I would like to send to Rep. Lasee:

1. *shakes him frantically by the shoulders* Please tell me you’re not serious!!!

2. In some of our schools, we have over 165 classroom teachers. That doesn’t include administrators, paraeducators, security staff, or food service workers. Let’s do the math. The ratio of guns to students has now significantly INCREASED. You don’t have to have a degree in quantum physics to understand that this potentially increases the amount of DANGER the kids would then be in.

3. Not all school shooters walk into the school as a stranger who feels like taking out his life’s failures on innocent children. Some of the shooters are students or teachers or administrators who lose it and work from within. Keeping that in mind, please kindly re-read point #2.

4. You want staff to go through “strict” firearm training? When? All I have to say is, “Good Luck!” I can’t even get half of them to learn how to turn on a computer and read their email.

5. Have you ever MET a teacher? I have. Oh, and I used to be one. There are some teachers who are scary enough without a gun. Please don’t give them one. Then there are those, very similar to one of my HS English teachers in the late 80s. As tiny and meek as she was, I just can’t imagine her becoming a gun-totin’ momma. Not happening. Nope. No way. You just can’t make a blanket requirement that all teachers carry firearms. You just CAN’T!

6. *shakes him frantically by the shoulders again* Really! Please tell me you’re not serious!

That’s all. Thanks for listening.


*Actually, the real name of the flavor for my lip gloss is Cherry Bomb. No wonder they won’t let me take it on a plane.

Does this mean I'm a Pirate now?*

When did I become a grown-up?

When I was a child, my mother always joked that I was 5 going on 30, 10 going on 40, etc. I was then, and still am to a degree, a very serious little person. I was taught to read by the time I was 2 1/2. I spent most of my days around adults (I am the oldest child in my family), and very little time with other kids my age. I loved school, because I couldn't wait to meet my teachers and learn something new.

Don't get me wrong... I wasn't that freaky kid who couldn't relate to other children. I just preferred to be around adults. I preferred to read higher level books, rather than Dr. Seuss or Ramona Quimby. In fact, I think I've gone back as an adult to read a lot of children's books... and I have a much greater appreciation for them now.

Everyone-- including my teachers, friends of parents, etc.-- were always commenting on how mature I was for my age.

For all the 'maturity' I seemed to have as a young person, I look back now and wonder... when did I really grow up? For as much as I can tell, I don't think I was all that mature. My guess is that I was just a pretty good actor... I even had myself fooled. And I think that pseudo-maturity led me to make some not-so-great decisions, because I thought I was mature enough to handle it all.

Probably the biggest error in judgement was getting married at 19. WHAT was I thinking? I had no idea who I was, what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be in 10 years, etc. By about age 25, I was sitting in my home one day, 2 children later, and feeling really miserable. My marriage was on a slow-but-steady-downward spiral. I loved being a mom, but I was also still a kid (No offense to those of you who are 25 or younger... you'll eventually know what I mean, though). I often remark that my oldest daughter, whom I had at age 20, and I grew up together.

I wasn't a great mom then. I'm so much more patient and understanding now... and a lot less selfish. And you know what? I have to be completely honest with you. So many more things/concepts/ideas make sense to me now. I've always been pretty good at making connections, but now... it's like a window that has been fairly cloudy has finally cleared up, and I can see things so much more clearly.

I'm not sitting here, professing that, at age 37, I am this wise, old sage. It's just that, well... it's a rather liberating feeling sometimes. Looking back, seeing your mistakes, remembering your good choices, and being able to see the impact on your life... how they all formed who you are NOW is something I just never expected. It's not like you wake up one day with this epiphany... it's more of a slow, gradual process.

So everytime I worry that I'm getting old, everytime I sweat the fact that my 20th high school reunion is quickly approaching (summer of 2007-- groan!), I also secretly relish that I'm not that girl I used to be. It's okay to get a few wrinkles. It's okay to look in the mirror and see things sagging where they never did before. Honestly, the payoff of getting older, of "growing up," is sooooo well worth it.

*All grown-ups are Pirates.

A Very Merry UN-Birthday To Me!

Wow. After making the rounds in BloggyLand today, it seems like everyone is having a birthday in late September/early October. Even Paisley's little one has just joined the 'special group' of fall birthdays.

So, as not to feel left out, I declare today one of my 364 UN-birthdays. And while I'm not as loony as the Mad Hatter on his Un-birthday, I might just go celebrate with the Farm Boy.

Hmmm... I'm not quite sure how one celebrates an UN-birthday. I probably shouldn't have any alcohol. My lovely daughter passed along her cold --and mixing Nyquil and alcohol would be bad. Right?

Meh. The Farm Boy just called, and he is still over an hour away from getting home. That means dinner on my own. This is turning into a really sucky UN-birthday. Boo.

A "So That's How It Is" Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why is this quote from Roz of Monsters Inc. the first thing I can think about after looking at comments? "You're stunned silence is very reassuring."

WHY#2: Why do those women from the Yaz commercial annoy me so much? I think it's the fact that I don't sit around in bars with my girlfriends discussing birth control. I don't know... maybe it's just me.

WHY #3: Why, after hearing that Screech has an 'accidentally released' sex tape, did I think, "Hmmm... accidentally?" Eww. And if you read the article in the link, DOUBLE Ewww.

WHY #4: Why didn't I think of this sooner?!? Everyone needs a pirate-decorated cubicle. Everybody.

WHY #5: Why don't some people use common sense? Oh, yeah... because very few people HAVE common sense anymore. Four eighth-grade girls in Marion, Indiana are learning that lesson the hard way, after they were suspended for dressing exactly alike. Principal of the school assumes they dress alike because they are in a gang. Wha? Isn't that what 8th grade girls DO?

Good thing our principals were clueless when I was in 8th grade. We all wore our Gloria Vanderbilts or Sasson jeans with our Izod polo shirts, collars up of course, and requisite brown penny loafers. Those preppie gangs were bad ass, man. TOTALLY.


And that concludes this week's Friday Why Files. Hope you all have a nice weekend.

You need to know the FACTS...

Okay. I’m hoping that the events of the last week are almost behind me. It would be nice to be able to get up in the morning and just take care of my family, then go to work. Suffice it to say/type that everything will be resolved soon, and that I’m tired of other people who have no sensitivity regarding how they are affecting other people’s lives. But that’s enough about that already.

Let’s have a post about something that is extremely serious... and about which people (not just women) should educate themselves NOW.

It’s HPV. HPV is the Human papillomavirus (and for those of you wondering, NO… this is not the reason for my recent ‘troubles.’ And thank God for that!).

RUN, don’t walk to this website: www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm

This infection isn’t just an annoyance. Sometimes, it goes away. Sometimes, it doesn’t. HPV’s role in cervical and other cancers isn’t something that we hear a lot about in the media. There aren’t any celebrities wearing ribbons at awards ceremonies for HPV research. But this silent monster is everywhere, and very few people are talking about it. Very few people know the facts… and the facts are staggering.

Anyone, male or female, can contract HPV. Men can give it to women, and vice versa. Unfortunately for women, it's much more dangerous to us.

The only preventive measure? No genital contact. Period. Or monogamous contact with someone who has been tested and is uninfected. That’s scary. Really scary.

If you are among the very few people who are aware of HPV, you may know there’s an HPV vaccine that’s been in the news. That seems like pretty good news... but did you know that the vaccine only offers protection from FOUR of the nearly 50 types of HPV?

When I was a teenager, the chances of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease was about 1 in 32.

The statistics today (which vary, depending upon whose information you’re reading) are more like 1 in 3.

Take a look at the person to your right, then look at the person to your left. Chances are, one of you has an STD. That STD might be something that is merely annoying... or more likely, it might be something that will affect the rest of your life.

No one can make decisions for you. You are the owner of all your choices. All I ask of you is that you educate yourself before you make choices. Please read about HPV, and tell your friends to read about it. We need this information to reach more people.

When It Rains, It Pours... Right On My Head.

In my quest to keep this an 'anonymous' blog, I've discovered that I am severely limiting what I can post about. And that sucks. Big time. On the other hand, the anonymity allows me to post about things I wouldn't allow myself to do if my real name were actually somewhere on this thing.

Really, though... there are two things happening right now that I can't blog about, and they are pretty big things in my life. (Don't ask me to tell you, because I won't.) I'm just extremely frustrated, and I'm pretty helpless to do anything about it. Gah.

Oh, and guess what I received in the mail today? A jury summons. To report Monday. As in YESTERDAY. Holy Hell. I can't catch a break.

Hopefully, I won't be going to jail for skipping out of jury duty... considering, I DIDN'T EVEN GET THE BLOODY SUMMONS UNTIL TODAY!!!

Okay. I think I'll stop screaming now. I'm going to go crawl into the fetal position and cry for a while.

You're a Bad Microbe!!

This guy is the reason I am eating worse than I usually do... as in, I haven't eaten a salad in over a week and a half.

Do you recognize him?

Shoes, Glorious Shoes...

These are, quite possibly, the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned. And because the company who makes them (rhymes with Kvetchers) doesn't sell them in stores or even on their website anymore (they're last year's 'model'), imagine my elation when I was able to find them on Zappos.com.

Those are, also quite possibly, the pastiest, whitest ankles ever to have been displayed on a blog. I don't know for a fact... but I'm just sayin'.

The Shortest Ever Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why couldn't I post a picture of my other dog the last few days? I don't know... but here's another attempt. This is Diego, staring at me, pleading for me to come snuggle with him, eye-boogers and all.

WHY #2: How do people this stupid actually function on a day-to-day basis? Does he write "Breathe In" on his left hand and "Breathe Out" on his right hand? What happens when he wears gloves? Does he pass out???

Drunk man threatens bikers, then runs himself over with his own car. WHAT a dumbass.

WHY #3: Why am I sitting here when I should be in the shower, getting ready for work?

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

Fall, Mouth Ulcers, Creepy Baristas, and Doggie Jealousy...

Ah... too much to tell about the last few days, so four mini-posts will have to do today.

1. I love Fall. Yes, I've mentioned it many times before, and it's usually due to the fabulous temperatures (cooler weather) and beautiful colors. But it's also for the clothes. My favorite 'uniform' is jeans and a sweater. Or, if I'm dressing down more, jeans and a sweatshirt. Comfy=good.

In the last two days, I have been 'complimented' on my outfits, each time leading to a "Have you lost weight?" Well, no, I don't think I have. There was that bout with the stomach flu last week, but no. I have not lost a substantial amount of weight. HOWEVER, with cooler weather comes longer pants as well as structured jackets. With longer pants come higher-heeled shoes. Therefore, with the arrival of fall weather comes the illusion of a slimmer figure. Yay, Fall!

2. I bit the left side of my cheek a couple of days ago. Ouchie. I bit it HARD. And I bit it hard enough that it has become swollen... so I continue to keep biting it. Now, a canker sore (aka mouth ulcer) is developing, which means everything I eat or drink produces mind-searing pain. So, I bought this mouth sore gel tonight called Zilactin-B. It works pretty well, but I have to tell you... in order to get to 6 hours pain-free, you have to endure 30 seconds of sheer torture (read here: feeling like a hole is burning through your cheek). Eh.

3. What is it with coffee barista people? They are so freaking friendly. Not like, "Hi. Have a nice day with your coffee/tea" friendly. I mean, "Hi, I really hope you enjoy your skinny latte while I wink at you and give you a look that will make you feel like I'm trying to seduce you but really that's just how I roll" friendly. It's just this side of being utterly creepy.

4. Diego was jealous that Paco was the star of the last post, so I have to show you how cute and adorable he is. He's also a total mama's boy who sits and stares at me the minute I get home, because he wants to go to bed already. He won't stop staring at me until I actually sit down on the bed so that he can then snuggle under the comforter and plaster himself to my right side. Unfortunately, Blogger is being a pain in the ass, and I can't upload his photo. :-( Maybe later...

Please, Mom... just two hours more...

Apparently, one of my dogs is not a morning 'dog,' either (see my previous post). Every morning when we get up to go to work, we get the dogs up to go outside. Our chihuahua jumps out of bed and runs outside. He's just as happy to go back to bed, but we have NO trouble getting him up in the morning.

Our other dog, a rat terrier/min pin mix ... not so much. He sleeps in a kennel at night, and we literally have to drag him out of it in the morning. If you don't get the door closed immediately, he sneaks right back in. When we finally get him out of the kennel, he slowly moseys outside, does his business, then scampers right back in the house to return to his doggie bed in the kennel. It's hilarious. This picture is him in his little bed, looking at me, pleading with me to let him sleep just a little bit more.

On weekends, this dog will sleep in until 10am... I'm not exaggerating. He's such a baby!

"Attention Morning People: Be Perky at Your Peril"*

Have I ever mentioned before that I hate mornings? Have I ever mentioned before that I hate Mondays? (Well, except those Mondays that are holidays. Those are okay). So, there's a double whammy for this morning. Gah.

I need to find a job that allows me to sleep in mornings and stay up later -- to about 2 or 3am. I didn't get to sleep in past 8:00 this entire weekend. Boooo!

I know I've posted before about morning people vs. night owl people (I'm just too lazy to dig back through the archives to find it). I'm going to say this again: morning people do not "GET" night owl people.

If one more person says to me, "Gee... I just don't understand why anyone would want to sleep in. I spring out of bed, ready to start my day. I'm so excited to have that morning time!"... I will have to throw my morning-wake-me-up-green-tea at them.

I respect that you love mornings. Please respect that I don't.

*This is printed on my new coffee/tea cup that I purchased at Hallmark this weekend. I'd say it fits me pretty well.

A "Dude, I'm SO bored" Friday Why Files...

I have to admit... I rarely blog while I'm at work. I don't usually have time. But today? *yawn* See my sidebar under "Learning..."

WHY #1: Why, upon hearing that Miss Whitney had filed for divorce from Bobby, did I wonder… “Hmmm. Will we ever hear her yell ‘KISSMYASS’ at anyone ever again? Or what about ‘Hell to the NO!’ Will she still be as crazy?”

WHY #2: Why is Ann Curry so DARN insightful?? While I was watching Meredith Viera’s debut on the Today show, Ann cut in with yet another astute observation:
“I really feel bad for the child because when parents divorce it can be very hard on the children,” noted Ann. Yep. That’s why she reports the news, folks.

Thanks to Kiana for the reminder email!!

WHY #3: Why don’t they show more of Tim Gunn on Project Runway? I mean, honestly! The guy is hi-LAR-ious! If you haven’t checked out his podcast, you need to. I love it when he cracks himself up on the podcast, and when he uses terms like “riotous cacophony.” Plain and simple... I love Tim Gunn.

WHY #4: Why is everyone in Britain in such a tizzy about the new Tories logo? So they paid £40,000 for the new scribbled tree that looks like a toddler drew it… and also a little like broccoli. Have you ever flown into Manchester? The trees do look a little like broccoli from the air.


WHY #5: Why, on nearly every web page I visit, do I find the Lowermybills.com ad with an animated couple “dancing” in front of a giant full moon? Have you seen this? They don’t actually look like they’re dancing. It’s almost a little obscene. Call me dirty-minded… but EEEEK. Okay, maybe the female animation isn’t that bad. But watch the male animation. It’s just a little creepy.

Oddly enough, if you go to their website, they don’t have that ad anywhere on their site.

And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Before you go, please enjoy the poignant stylings of someone who had a great influence in my life… Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Listen, do you want to know a secret...

Has anyone seen those new commercials for Secret deodorant? You know... "Share your Secret?"

The first one, where the daughter tells her mother, "Dad took me to get a tattoo." Mom's expression and reaction was pretty funny... so, I thought, Eh. These aren't so bad.

The one that was on today, though? One's secret is that she doesn't ever want children, and the other's is that she's 4 months pregnant.

Can anyone even understand these women? They're crying... they're talking in that high, dolphin frequency that women use when they're crying and trying to talk. Blech. Do I need this kind of emotional outburst from a commercial for deodorant?!?

I don't know... what do you think? Good? Bad?

And I've Never Been to Boston in the Fall*...

Thanks for all the nice comments while I was under the weather... you people are kewl. ;-)

Since I did go back to work today... which means I had to do today's work, plus everything I missed yesterday... my brain is a little dead. I don't have much for this bloggy thing here. So, we'll have to settle for a few observations I've made in the past couple of days:

1. There is a big (HUGE!) difference between "water-resistant" and "waterproof" when it comes to sitting at a football game for 4.5 hours in the rain. Big. Huge.

2. When you forget about how to keep your hands dry in the deluge, you notice that your skin actually becomes quite translucent, in addition to puckering around your fingertips. It's an odd look at best.

3. You realize that you are somewhat unkind after laughing at the idiots who wore white pants with their red shirts at the downpour, I mean, football game... the kind of red shirts that, when wet, will "bleed" onto anything white. Like white pants. Definitely unkind. Still funny, though.

4. When you are sick and all alone at home, you realize that it's okay to cry a little during a movie you thought was supposed to be all-funny-all-the-time, but turns out to be a total chick flick. Nobody saw those tears.

5. Thank you, whoever you are, for the invention of On Demand Digital Cable. I was not stuck watching the usual drivel that comprises daytime TV. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

6. Even if you don't eat a thing for 24 hours, the stomach flu doesn't care. Yeah... you're still making that trip, and you know exactly where it is.

7. When you're not feeling well, and your teenagers sing anything from the Silly Songs With Larry CD, one of those songs will make you smile. At first. Then you'll be cursing Larry and all the other Veggies for those damn songs that are now permanently stuck in your head!!! We're the pirates who don't do anything... Gah.

8. If you're so sick that you can't even sit at the computer to read a few blogs... you're going to get WAYYYYY behind. :-(

That's it. That's all I got.


*See number 7.

Blech...

I have the stomach flu... which means that I feel okay for an hour, then I feel like hell for two hours. Then I feel good for an hour. Then I feel like hell for two hours.

This has been my day so far.

Missing work vs. daytime TV?

Let's call it a draw. :-( At least I have On Demand.

The "Do I Really Want to Commit to this Weekly" Edition of Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why, after viewing pictures of Suri Cruise, did thoughts of Damien, The Omen child pop into my head? You know we can't talk about her father, though, right??? That breaks the rules on this blog. If you absolutely must refer to him, you must call him Tomas Crazy. Got it?

WHY #2: Why does a football team FALL one point in the rankings after beating a not-so-cupcake-ish team by 39 points? Especially while another team barely beats another kind-of-cupcake-ish team by only 7 points and is still rated higher. I'll tell you why... early season rankings in college football are a joke. Did anyone even watch the Notre Dame game? And they're still ranked as high as #4 in one poll. Puh-leeze.

WHY #3: Why... okay, some investigative reporters are jerks, but seriously? Why? This guy gets the hell beat out of him! If you're already being investigated for shady dealings, why would you assault some guy... ON CAMERA?!?!

WHY #4:

Why does this guy remind me of a big-mouth bass? And I don't even fish. I do like (not love) the Steelers, and I have nothing against Bill Cowher. I just can't watch him talk. Ever. Photo Credit: TSN Canada.

WHY #5: Ummm... yeah. I can't even describe this one without getting sick to my stomach. You'll just have to read it yourself. And I thought my gastro-noises were loud.

This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Maybe I should make these Saturday Why Files. Or Sunday Why Files. Friday seems to be a tough day to post. I don't know... what do you think?

Sweet Mother... it's DELICIOUS!

A few months ago, the Food Network was showing some contest where people were competing for a new Häagen-Dazs flavor. The Farm Boy and I watched it somewhat half-heartedly... we weren't really all that into it. At first.

The more we watched, the more we couldn't stop watching. It's kind of like that scene in Tommy Boy when the Carpenters song, Superstar,* comes on the radio... and neither Richard nor Tommy really wants to switch to another radio station. In the next scene, they're both singing their hearts out:

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby!
You said you'd be coming back this way again maybe!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, awww baby!
I lo--oove you! I really do!"

Ah, but I digress. So, Farm Boy and I are watching this Häagen-Dazs show, both of us saying to the other that it would be okay if the other changed the channel... but not really meaning it.

The flavor that I wanted to win didn't win. Funny how I thought I'd know which flavor would be best... just by watching it on tv. Puh-leeze. I don't even remember which flavor I was rooting for.. it might have been cannoli, but I honestly don't even remember.

Anyway, as I was shopping yesterday, I walked past the ice cream aisle and noticed I was in the Häagen-Dazs section. I looked to see if the winning flavor was there... and it was. So, I thought, "what the hell. I'll buy it and try some."

The flavor is called Sticky Toffee Pudding.

And... Holy Frozen Mouth-Watering Delight, Batman! It's SCRUMPTIOUS. You should try it.

*I know, there are a lot of links in this one... but this one is a YouTube video of Karen Carpenter singing this song. If you can get past the 70s hair and dress... that girl could SING.

Words of Wisdom...

These are just some of the thoughts that passed through my brain the last couple of days. As usual, it's me being all haughty and know-it-all, but some things just need to be said (and, of course, I didn't actually say them when I had the chance):

1. Just because you, an adult woman, are ABLE to fit into the clothes teenagers wear, doesn't mean that you SHOULD. Oh, and if you are in your 60s and can't actually WALK in those spiky stilettos, just say no.

2. If you have more monthly debt than take-home pay, you should not splurge on something you want but do not need. Easier said than done, I know. But if you complain constantly about the fact that you have no money, and your credit history prevents you from making necessary purchases... don't splurge.

3. If you knew what you were getting into... don't complain about it after the fact.

4. Remember... 13 is a difficult age. It's even more difficult when you're the youngest one in the family. Cut her some slack every once in a while. Yes, she's annoying, but she's 13. That's her JOB.

5. Please don't drive like an arse. Yes, we see your big, shiny, yellow and black-striped monster truck with the over-sized tires and gleaming metal exhaust pipe. How could we not? Accelerating past us on a short road doing about 60 (in a 25 mph zone) is not making you look cool. It's making you look stupid.

6. Don't laugh at Andre Agassi and call him a crybaby. That standing ovation after a 21-year, very successful career would make you cry too. Besides, he earned it.

7. Be kind to each other. Yes, sarcasm can be funny... but let's just, for one day, be nice.


On another note... I am so sad about Steve Irwin. You can say what you want about his style... whether you agreed with it/liked it or not... but the man did SO much for wildlife conservation and education. What a loss. :-(

If you just skim through this post, please read #6...

1. My team plays today with their season opener. YAY!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I'm watching them on TV this afternoon (while eating two large orders of "The Works" nachos from the best Tex-Mex restaurant in the world), and then I'll be at the stadium for next week's game. Woot!

2. Something odd has happened to me. I have always been a die-hard football fan. It was burned into my soul from birth (my father had a lot to do with that). But, oddly enough, even though I'm very excited for my team to be playing... I can't stop getting excited for hockey season to start, too. Our local semi-pro team doesn't even start until October... but am I actually looking forward more to that than the football season? No, that would be blasphemy. (Shh... I think I might be, though!)

3. One of the singing groups my daughter is in sang for a midwest Red Hat Ladies convention this morning. Oh. My. God. I've never seen so much red and purple in one room. One of the boys whispered to me, "Holy cow. It's a cult!" That made me giggle a little.

4. I can't tell you the number of times this week that I've had a GREAT idea for a post. Usually, they come to me while I'm driving in my car or sitting through one of my countless, endless meetings. I never write them down or anything, and then they leave my brain just as quickly as they entered. So, just figure that I had at least three award-winning posts this week that I completely forgot about. Gah.

5. I didn't have any Friday files to post yesterday, plus I ran out of time to actually search for a few. They'll be back next week.

6. If you are in the states somewhere, and if you're not a regular Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon watcher, please consider surfing over to that station on your tube... watch a little... and also please consider donating. My family has been involved with the Muscular Dystrophy Association for a little over 30 years. My mom's best friend had a son with MD, and he just passed away last year. This will be the first time we watch the telethon since his passing... and while we know he's finally at peace and RUNNING around on cloud somewhere... it will still be a little bittersweet. MDA has made huge strides in the past 30 years, but they still need our support.

If you don't watch the telethon and would like to just donate, please go here:
MDA Online Donation Form.


Happy Labor Day Weekend! And for those of you who don't have a Labor Day on Monday, we'll be sure to drink a few margaritas for you while you're working. You can thank me later.

No big whoop...

I'm so mentally exhausted today, and I got nothin'. Soooooooo....

Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic.

The elbow, often nicknamed the "funny bone," is neither funny nor a bone. Discuss.

(...and don't go all haughty on me and try to tell me it IS a bone called the humerus, because the elbow is NOT the humerus. Look it up.)

Help! It's just TOO intellectually stimulating around here...

When my oldest daughter and I are being immature and attempting to throw "witty" (read here: not witty at all) retorts at each other, we often just repeat what the other says. Example:

Me: You're insane.
She: No, YOU'RE insane.
Me: No, you are.
She: No, YOU are!

We're just beacons of intellectual dialogue, aren't we?!?

The suckiest one she often uses is the "your mom" comeback, usually in a Kip Dynamite voice ("your mom goes to college"). It doesn't actually work for me, though. Example:

Me: Go away. You smell.
She: Your mom smells.
Me: No... YOUR mom, ummmmmm.... wait. That's me.
She: [laughing maniacally] I win, I win, I win!

I've been bested in verbal jousting by a 17-year-old. Gah. I should just give up.

Sometimes, when she's arguing with her little sister, the same kind of thing pops up. And it seems like I always end up the butt of the jokes!

She: Shutup. You don't know what you're talking about.
Little She: Yes, I do. You're the stupid one.
She: Your mom's the stupid one.
Little She: No, YOUR mom's the stupid one.
She: Your mom is MY mom, stupid.
Me: HEY! How did I get dragged into this argument?

Just to think... she'll be leaving for college in one year. I'm glad that I've prepared her to communicate with the outside world.

Please kindly fill in the blanks...

I have nothing today. So, I thought I'd learn more about you. Some other bloggers have had some very interesting responses to their fill in the blank posts, so here's a go at it. I'll add my answers to the first comment.

1. I watched/didn't watch the Emmy Awards because ____________.

2. The celebrity I would like to hear less about in the news right now is ________________.

3. The excuse Matthew Broderick should have used for breaking his collarbone (he fell off a horse in Ireland) is _______________.

4. I am most anticipating ______________.

5. Since Monday is an American holiday (Labor Day), I think I will _____________.

A Very Pissy Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why are we spending time studying this BS instead of looking for cures for diseases? Or better yet, men who believe this load of crap need a kick in the head.

WHY #2: Why doesn't anyone PROOF these days? "Oops! Confidential Applicant Information Printed on Law School Calendars" from Law.com.

WHY #3: Why did I laugh my arse off after viewing these pictures? I don't like to see dogs in costumes (well, maybe on Halloween). And my dogs only wear sweaters in the winter when they're really cold. Otherwise, no dressing dogs! But these pictures? Pretty darn funny! Spock and Count Pugula are my faves.

WHY #4: Why are the morning talk shows so enamored with viral videos? Check out this one on pancakes.

WHY #5: Why can't I remember when my last visit to Chipotle was? Oh, yeah. I can answer that. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN LONG! Rawr.

WHY #6: Just... why? Find more strange pet ideas at http://www.realtechnews.com/posts/3417


This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

I hate pain...

Pain sucks. Other people's pain sucks worse. I can't stand to see other people hurt, because I can't do anything to make it better.

Gah.

Open letter to the sorry-ass parents behind me at dinner tonight...

Dear Sir and Madam:

First, before I go into any of this, I want you to know that I am a parent also. My children are all teenagers now, but I DO remember what it was like when they were little.

As my family and I entered the Italian eatery this evening, I took into account how surprisingly busy they were for a Tuesday evening. I took into account that there was only ONE booth left open in the entire restaurant, and I took into account how much my husband prefers to sit at booths. But more importantly, I took into account how that open booth backed up to yours. You with your young preschool-aged child and baby.

As I mentioned before, I recall what it was like to take my very young children out to eat. It's difficult, I know. You feel like you can't go anywhere, because someone is always screaming or whining or jumping up and down on the booths... I know. I KNOW.

However, here's what I know that you apparently do not: No matter how many times you threaten a 4-year-old (and subsequently do not follow through on those threats), said 4-year-old is not going to sit down and finish his dinner. Let's take a look at a few of your "gems" from this evening, shall we?

Your threats:

Joshua Bryan Hart (name changed to protect the not so innocent)! If you don't sit down right now, you're going into time out when we get home!

Joshua Bryan Hart! If you don't eat your dinner right now, you're not going to get a special treat!

Joshua Bryan Hart! That's it! No more going out to dinner with mommy and daddy. No more Applebee's! No more Outback! No more Taco Bell! I mean it!

Are we seeing a pattern here? Idle threats. None of the consequences/promised rewards are immediate enough for the child to actually do what you want him to do. Beyond that, those were only three of the threats you used this evening. For the sake of brevity, I just couldn't add anymore. After 10 or so of these threats, Joshua Bryan Hart figured out that you weren't going to do JACK SHIT to him, and he continued to do whatever the hell he wanted to do. Which, by the way, included poking me in the back, smacking me in the back of the head, and generally pissing me off. The Farm Boy was careful, lucky for me (or probably luckier for YOU), to do a pizza sauce check on the back of my cream-colored blouse. Because that would have meant WAR.

I don't care how cute your child is... if he is annoying the people in the next booth, you make him stop. If he doesn't stop, you take his little ass out of the booth and/or out of the restaurant until he can sit down and finish his dinner. If he can't (which many children his age can't, considering the average attention span of a 4-year-old), then you cut short your dinner, take what's left home in a take-out box, and you leave the restaurant. Yes, I know. That's inconVENient for you. I know. Do you know how I know? Because that's what I DID when my children were unable to behave.

And guess what? THEY LEARNED HOW TO BEHAVE. Amazing, isn't it? Now, they're not the bestest little girls in the whole wide world, but they know what will happen when they disobey. They know, and they make choices. If they make the wrong choices, they have consquences. Immediate consequences. And if that means I'm inconvenienced still after all these years, then so be it. I'm still a parent. And I would NEVER be so inconsiderate as to allow my children to bother someone else in a restaurant. Crying, shouting children... I'll put up with that. Jumping up and down, screaming, poking-me-in-the-back, annoying children, annoying parents... no.

Oh, and when Joshua Bryan Hart is 13, and still doing whatever the hell he wants, it's going to be a lot worse than not eating his dinner or poking the head of the lady in the next booth. I'm just sayin'.

Sincerely,
Grumpy K. Frump
aka The Lady in the booth behind you tonight who kept giving you that look that said, "Really? You're really going to continue threatening your child and not do ANYTHING? Do you see him poking me? Do you see my face? Does this look like a HAPPY face?" Yeah, that lady.

Incoherent babbling...

Apparently, I'm not supposed to be posting today. Do you want to know how I know that? Well, I'll tell you.

I've tried composing about three different posts today. All three ended up rambling and completely incoherent. I mistyped words and letters so much so, that I spent more time correcting what I had typed than anything else.

While looking away from the monitor and typing (something I like to think I can do), I noticed that I typed two paragraphs with my hands shifted over exactly one key... commas instead of m's, etc. I gave up trying to decipher the paragraph, as I can't recall where I left my last Fred's Fruity Pebble decoder ring.

Anyhoo, I'm obviously tired, brain dead, and not very funny today. If I've left you a comment in the last 24 hours, I'm sorry. It was probably really, really stupid.

I'll just leave you with this:

1. I'm adding two new features to my sidebar as add-ons to the previous lists I posted (what scared me and what made me smile). If you care, read on. If not, no big whoop.

2. Please, please, PLEASE cross your fingers that the Farm Boy takes me to Chipotle for dinner tonight. It's been too long, and it may also be the reason I'm brain dead. Burrito withdrawals can be very ugly. Trust me.

You make me soooo very happy....

Smile Makers:

1. Little Miss Sunshine... I love movies that don't follow the same-ol'-same-ol'.
2. When my clothes fit
3. Cheesecake
4. Little kids running and laughing on a playground
5. Belly laughs
6. Weekends
7. Getting presents
8. Watching someone open a present I put a lot of thought into buying/making
9. Dogs trying to keep their eyes open, like mine are right now
10. A good book
11. Reading a good book while drinking a cup of tea in a quiet place
12. Autumn
13. Shopping
14. Football season
15. A good hockey fight ( I can't believe that makes me smile... less than a year ago, I would have clucked my tongue disdainfully at anyone who said that.)
16. Going on a date with the Farm Boy... with no kids.
17. Sleeping in on Saturday mornings
18. Having money in the checking account at the end of the month, because I know I have been managing money carefully
19. Bloggy Friends
20. A check that arrives unexpectedly in the mail
21. Family outings when everyone is getting along
22. When people tell me how great, polite, funny, etc. our kids are
23. Real oatmeal...with raisins added
24. Wrinkles around my eyes and mouth... they're smile lines, and they make me smile more.
25. When my teenagers sometimes slip and call me "mommy"

There are more... but this is supposed to be a Grumpy blog. I don't want to get a rep for being all mushy and stuff. Blech.

Friday Why Files...now with more ammonium thioglycolate!

WHY #1: Why do I have a sick feeling that this guy is lying?

WHY #2: Why would anyone stiff the Girl Scouts for cookie payments? Gah.

WHY #3: Why haven't I tried this sooner?

WHY #4: Why is everyone judging this mom? I mean... c'mon! She was just being supportive to her son... as he shot someone. Now THAT'S some awesome parenting!*

WHY #5: Why am I blogging right now when I should be getting ready for work? Arrrgh!

WHY #6: Why did I spend half my life sporting a perm? No, I'm not posting pics. Well, maybe... if I can find one.

Happy Friday!

And this concludes today's Friday Why Files...

*Yes, this is me being sarcastic.

Things that make me go AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!

Things that scare me…

1. people whose faces don’t move when they talk, scream, yell, etc.
2. wondering if I’ve adequately prepared my daughters for life as women
3. vomiting
4. what would happen if I ever have another anaphylactic attack
5. what my toes will look like in another 10 years*
6. disco music
7. the fact that I actually like SOME disco music
8. drivers who don’t know what they’re doing
9. drivers who only THINK they know what they’re doing
10. what the Farm Boy conceivably could have eaten to make him emit such horrific odors**
11. elevators
12. really looooonnnnggg, high escalators
13. heights in general
14. what’s hiding under my bed (no, not monsters… just all the CRAP that has been shoved under there. I don’t even want to know.)
15. smiling with spinach (or insert any food item here) in my teeth
16. looking stupid in general
17. eating Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor beans when you think you’re getting Jelly Belly’s (“earthworm” is quite a lovely surprise when you’re not expecting it)
18. most rodents
19. that leggings are “back in style”
20. my 20 year high school reunion in 9 months
21. that I’m too serious too much of the time- in real life, not in the blog
22. my [bad] temper
23. pain
24. other people’s pain
25. cancer

Oh, this list could go on and on and on… but maybe I’ll just stop here.

Wow. That’s a little depressing in spots, huh? Well, maybe tomorrow’s post should be a list of things that make me happy. :-)


*I think my feet are disproportionately large for my frame, because I am CONSTANTLY ramming them into objects on the floor. It’s either that, or I am rotten at judging distances. It couldn’t possibly be that I am just a huge klutz. No way.
The pinky toes on both of my feet have been stubbed, jammed, broken so many times, I’ve lost count. Most recently, I stubbed my right pinky toe into our bed frame and split my toe nail in two all the way to the quick. Owie! I cried. A lot. My toes will probably look like raw hamburger by the time I’m 40 or 50.

**Sorry, honey. I love you, though, no matter what you smell like.

The Man in Black is laughing his arse off...

I hate karaoke. No, I mean I DETEST it. Really. If you're a trained singer at all, you know what I'm talking about... and for those of you who aren't, you probably know, too. (see update below)

My grandpa is turning 80 this month, so we did the party thing yesterday. And guess what his wife had as a surprise for him? You guessed it. Karaoke. *groan*

So, here's the deal-- if your grandpa is proud that you can sing, you are morally, legally, and ethically bound to get your arse up on the cheesy little stage and sing karaoke. At risk of hurting an old man's feelings, you're just going to do it.

But it couldn't possibly be that simple, now could it? No. As you choose to sit in the back of the bar, wheezing from all the smoke and old people body odor, someone related to you is going to prod you forward. And that someone is your brother... who is also a singer... who, for some unknown reason actually LIKES karaoke*. And that little brother wants you to sing a duet with him. Fine.

Grandpa's favorite singer is Johnny Cash. Little brother says, "C'mon. Let's sing Jackson. It will be great!"

Do you know the lyrics to Jackson?

We got married in a fever,
hotter than a pepper sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson,
Ever since the fire went out...

Not exactly the song I want to sing with my BROTHER. Eww.

I think I'm scarred for life. Oh, well. Happy B-day, Gramps.

UPDATE: lest anyone think me a singing snob, let me explain a little-- I taught vocal music. I'm all for encouraging people to sing, regardless of talent or ability. I don't care if you sing out of tune, as long as you're singing. What I hate about karaoke is that it brings out all those people who think they are the best singers in the world... you know who they are. They also show up for American Idol auditions. Whether they can carry a tune or not isn't the issue. It's all about the attitude. When you think you are God's gift to singing, but you're in a karaoke bar? You should just stop. If you put your name in the karaoke dj's basket more than twice a night so that everyone can revel in the glory that is your voice... you're either showing off (or as ludi says, "a complete tool") or you are a microphone hog. Either way, JUST STOP. And THAT's what I hate about karaoke.

*Here's why he likes karaoke: he can sing ANYTHING and sound great. The dude sings Elvis, and women throw underwear at him. It's quite sickening, yet strangely intriguing all at the same time.

Jim, Jake, Josh, Jaleel, Jehosephat, John Jacob Jingleheimer-schmidt

I'm just curious... what possesses people to name all their kids with the exact same initials?

I'm not complaining. I don't think it's stupid, either. I'm just curious.

The Farm Boy's family (all boys) have the exact same initials, first-middle-last, as their father. I just met a woman whose children all have the same initials she does.

I guess I'm curious, because I don't think I'm creative enough to find good names that all have the same first letter. If you're lucky enough to pick something easy like "J," then there are plenty of names.

And don't even get me started on the middle initial. Keeping the middle initial the same for all your kids almost always results in someone getting a middle name which will embarrass them throughout childhood. Plus, how would anyone know whose underwear was whose?!?! Ick.

Okay... if you're only going to have 2 or 3 kids, I guess I can see how that wouldn't be so difficult. But when it starts getting up to 5 or more, yikes! And then there's the famous Dugger family with 16 kids... all with the same first initial. Gah. Pretty soon, you're just making up names or working with some pretty wacky spellings. Admit it.

In my family, all our names start differently. We noted a strange coincidence after my little bro was born... we all had exactly the same number of letters total in our first and middle names. Mom & Dad didn't do that purposefully, though. It just kinda happened.

So, as I said before... I'm just curious. Anyone care to shed some light on the subject?

Un petit Friday Why Files...

The only WHY that I have today is this...

Why does one bunch of crazies feel the need to make life difficult for the rest? If I am an infidel, and I never speak to you, why is it necessary to kill me? Or at the very least, why do they (the crazies) feel it necessary to PREVENT ME FROM CARRYING MY TOILETRIES ON THE AIRPLANE?!?!?!

I understand the items that were previously banned: box cutters, sharp tools, firearms... okay, I get it. They're dangerous.

But now some deranged individuals are preventing me from carrying on a bag holding my shampoo. And hair gel. And bottle of water that keeps me hydrated on those long, dried out flights. And my iPOD. OHMIGOD! Do you know how I am able to calmly make it through a flight? I'm scared to death of heights, and flying is not my bag, baby. My iPod is the one thing that provides serenity now as I am taking off and landing. THE ONLY THING.

PLUS, now that we're all going to be checking MORE baggage, the percentage of lost luggage is going to increase exponentially. *sigh* Not only will I lose the clothes I check... but now, all my [not cheap] toiletries, too. Seriously... $25 a bottle for Volumizing Root Lifter! Grrrrrr!

I will comply, of course, because I am a law-abiding citizen. I am not a nutjob radical who feels the need to blow up other people who do not subscribe to my particular beliefs.

Sorry... I have no sympathy/empathy for any person who believes that their "god" tells them to kill other people in the name of said "god." And I'm peeved now that I can't take my NORMALLY harmless stuff with me on the plane. Pretty soon, we'll all have to fly naked because threads in clothes could be dangerous. Or a pebble in your shoe. Or that flake of mascara on your eyelashes. Good god, I might even have to fly with an unmade face. Now, that's just plain scary.

END OF RANT.

Oh, and this concludes today's Friday Why Files.

Happy 200 to The Grump...

This is my 200th post. I don't actually pay attention to how many posts I have... I just hammer away at ye olde keyboard with little thought involved.

However, today, I saw that my post count was sitting at 199.

So, there it is.

If you do any searches on the number 200, you will find some 'interesting' facts:

*While playing Monopoly, you collect $200 every time you pass Go.

*Two to the third power multiplied by Five to the 2nd power is 200.

*In binary code, the number 200 is represented by 11001000.

*C200.org is a group of professional business women.

*When I was a high school photographer, we often used 200 speed film.

*200 Cigarettes is a movie with about 200 well-known stars. Okay, well, I'm exaggerating there... but seriously. Check out the cast.

*Bowhead whales can live to be almost 200 years old.


So, it's not a bicentennial or anything, but I'm going to celebrate anyway. Start up the blenders... it's Margarita Time!

Must.Find.Time.To.Blog.

I feel like I'm neglecting something. Or someone. Yeesh.

Guinness Girl tagged me, so here we go....

One book that changed your life?
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, by Judy Blume. Only because I was a budding adolescent and extremely naive. It was written shortly after I was born, and by the time I was around 5th or 6th grade, it already had THAT reputation. A lot of parents wanted it pulled out of the school library (puh-leeze!). I do think I learned a lot the day I finished that book, though, and I'm really glad the school and my parents objected to the attempted censorship.

One book you have read more than once?
Hmmm... I don't really ever read books more than once. I can watch certain movies over and over again, but I can't do that with books... unless they're children's books. So, I guess I'd have to say The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein.

One book you would want on a desert island?
How To Survive Being Stranded on A Desert Island for Dummies. Oh, and Blueberries for Sal, by Robert McCloskey. And The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger. Very few books make my all-time favorites list... but this one is on it.

One book that made you laugh?
Too many to count. Most recently, anything by David Sedaris. LOVE. HIM.

One book that made you cry?
I cry a lot anyway, so many books make me weepy. Most recently, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, by Kim Edwards.

One book you wish had been written?
How To Deal With Stress Without Causing Yourself Back Pain, Headaches, Over-Arching Irritability, As Well As How To Hide It From The People Around You Who Now Think You Are Either A Raving Lunatic Or An Incessantly Raging Bitch.

One book you wish had never been written?
Unfortunately, I've read a lot of lame books. Most recently, my biggest disappointments were Adriane On The Edge, by Paul Mandelbaum or Haunted, by Chuck Palahniuk. I think the latter was more of a disappointment, because I really do enjoy the rest of his work. This one was just disturbing with no point for making it disturbing... does that make sense? I don't know that I would wish them as "never been written" though. We'll just chalk them up to NOT GREAT in my opinion.

One book you are currently reading?
I literally just closed Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen. I love, love, LOVE this book!! Next up, The Dive From Clausen's Pier, by Ann Packer.

One book you have been meaning to read?
One? ONE? My queue is so long, it's embarrassing. There are some that I have had on my list for three years or longer, but keep getting pushed down for some reason or another. I couldn't possibly pick one.

Now tag five people.
Do I have to? Here's what I think... if you want to do this and haven't already, go for it. Just let me know that you have so I can come read yours. :-)

My week from hell is over...

Busiest work week of the entire year has now ended. I can breathe a sigh of relief. *SIGH!*

Things I have learned from this experience, but are not so specific as to be an actual post about work:

1. I must find shoes that are stylish, yet comfortable enough in which to stand and walk considerable distances... for 10 to 12 hours at a time. My shoes suck, but they're cute. I still can't feel my toes today.

2. Do not refer to recently graduated college students as "kids" in your anecodotal references... because several people in your audience have also just graduated from college 3 months ago. Bad form.

3. After a 14 hour workday, do not, under any circumstances allow yourself to parent. In this one case, ask the Farm Boy to step in and make decisions. This will prevent you from screaming on the phone at your child over a simple request. It will also prevent the resulting guilt over said screaming incident.

4. Do not assume that other presenters you have recruited will know that they should dress professionally. Even though it should be a well-founded assumption, it is no longer something you CAN assume.

5. When casual-guy presenter arrives in an old t-shirt and shorts, do not allow your mouth to hang open in surprise and shock... thus rendering you speechless. It's not a good look for you.

6. When people ask you "How are things going today?"... it might be better to do something rather than groan, roll your eyes, or fall down in front of them to communicate your worn-outedness. Next time, just say, "Great!"

7. Invest in super-duper strength eye concealer, because yours failed miserably, thus producing a meth-head, crack whore look for you on your biggest day of the year.

8. Don't waste another second worrying about how bad your hair looked yesterday. It's a lost cause.

9. When the Farm Boy suggests going out to dinner after your biggest work day of the year... to celebrate it being over... take a rain check. Falling asleep in your cheese fondue ALSO is not a good look for you.

10. Don't cry (publicly) when you remember you're going to go through this all over again next year.


GG- my next post will be your TAG. :-)

I'll just head back to the Bog of Eternal Stench*...

I feel like a troll.

[Warning... there's a whine coming on]

I'm still not at a weight where I'm comfortable... I've only lost about 2-5 lbs total since my last whinefest about my weight**. I say 2-5, because I lose a little and gain a little constantly week after week. My weight fluctuates more than the stock market. Or the temperature in the midwest. (yeah, those are all really lame comparisons. I don't care.)

I'm not worried about looking hot and sexy... we already covered that. I just want my clothes to fit, and I don't want to be self-conscious about whether there are visible rolls or not when I sit down.

I am part of a small department that is comprised of two other women and myself. They are both about 5' 10", and very physically fit. I'm 5' 3", and not so much. Not so much at all. One is about 5 years younger, and the other is exactly the same age I am.

So, this is the time of the year when we have to do a lot of presenting and facilitating and coordinating and making ourselves very visible.... together. They, in their sleek skirts or pants and sleeveless tops with no jiggly arm fat, and I in my... hmmmm... do I look fat in this shirt? Sure, I'll just wear a jacket in 100 degree heat to hide my white, pasty, not so firm upper arms. Please don't stand on either side of me so that it's even more pronounced how troll-like I appear in comparison!!! GAH!

Sorry. I lost my composure a little bit there.

I hate being insecure. You'll have to excuse me now... I'll be on the treadmill all night. Or maybe I'll just tuck myself into my bed and feel sorry for myself. :-(




*LOVE that movie!!!

**Sorry, too lazy to find which post it's in. Besides, it's not worth reading two whines in one day, right?