Lying to Kids is FUN!!!

Over at The Cupcake Tent, Red talked about telling kids that the things in scary movies just aren't real... even though Red herself isn't entirely convinced.

That made me think about how FUN it is to lie to kids!!

Don't you all agree? I'm a parent and a former teacher. Some of my best fun comes from the lies I've told kids over the years.* Ah... the memories!

Think about all the lies adults tell kids... lies we say are actually GOOD for our kids. I'm not going to list them all here, because I don't want some of my fellow younger bloggers to learn the truth from me. But yes, I am talking about the Great Pumpkin and the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

My personal favorite is the one we (my ex-husband and I) used to tell our daughters. We were very young parents-- I was 20 when my oldest was born. Suffice it to say, we didn't have great parenting skills back then. I'm a much better mom now than I was in my early 20s. Trust me on this one. Don't have kids until you're finished growing up yourself.

But I digress...

Discipline is hard. You have to be firm and consistent. When I was young, I had a tough time with consistency. So, my oldest daughter learned from me that she could usually argue her way out of something. Getting "pwnt" by a 5 year old is not something I'm proud to admit. But there you are.

So, the ex and I made up this fabulous trick. If we wanted her to behave, we would just tell her about Ingrid. Ingrid was a mean, old, nasty [make-believe] babysitter. She [allegedly] lived in a broken-down, ancient farmhouse -- which actually did exist and just happened to be on one of the roads we drove quite often.

ME: "Oh, I know you don't want to throw that temper tantrum! Because if you do, then I'm going to have to call Ingrid to come babysit you. She takes care of little girls who throw temper tantrums. I'll just go give her a call!"

DAUGHTER: "NO! No! I'll be good! I promise!"

It actually worked most every time. Only once did she ever doubt Ingrid's existence. When that happened, I called my sister and asked her to pretend she was Ingrid. When my daughter got on the phone and listened to that witch-like voice, she was scared for two days straight.

Yes, I know. I'm going straight to hell.

Please don't comment and tell me what a horrible parent I am. I promise you that we stopped doing that after a year or so (when we decided it was cruel, but more importantly, figured it wouldn't work forever) and it became a big joke in our family. In fact, that daughter is a senior in high school now, and we still laugh about Ingrid. I'm hoping Ingrid will make an appearance at Daughter's graduation party somehow.

*Okay, not really. I'm a good person. Really I am.

5 Reasons the Farm Boy Makes Me Laugh...

1. He complained today that he's not getting enough "air time" on the blog. Well, here you go, honey. An entire post dedicated to you. :-)


2. He won't close the shower curtain. I maintain that if you keep the shower curtain closed, mold and mildew don't build up as quickly as when you keep the shower curtain open (and all wrinkled in one spot).
The Farm Boy maintains that he cannot enter the bathroom when the shower curtain is closed because monsters might be hiding in the shower, just waiting to attack him while he brushes his teeth.


3. During my morning teeth brushing ritual, he stood behind me and looked in the mirror.

FB: "I love you even though you're short." (He's 6'4", I'm almost 5'4")
Me: "So that means it's possible that you might not love me someday due to my shortness?"
FB: "Yes. Yes it does."


4. While playfully arguing over the phone this morning, the Farm Boy realized he was losing the argument with me*. Here's how he responded to losing:

FB: "Oh yeah?"
[barely audible, very low sounding noise]
Me: "What was that?"
FB: "That was Jaws."
[pause]
Me: "Are you standing next to the piano?"
FB: "Yes."
Me: "Jaws is your comeback??!?"


5. This look, which usually accompanies conversations like the one in #4 above.
It's an incredible likeness. Trust me.

















*Yes, dear. You lost that argument, and I have proof.

A Slightly Longer Weekend Why Files...

WHY #1: Why didn't I get into the spirit of St. Patrick's Day yesterday?

I guess I did wear a green shirt, but attending a high school musical last night kinda cut into my plans of all-night partying. *ahem*


Stop laughing.

I can party all night if I want to!!

Right.

Who am I kidding?

I leave that all up to Julie Gong, through whom I try to live vicariously. But even vicariously, I think I'm too old. I'm sure she'll have her very interesting St. Pat's weekend recap up soon.


WHY #2: Why wasn't this on any of the product lists on the internets lately? AND... why couldn't I find even one at any of the stores this weekend? Boo.

WHY #3: Why? Why?? Why??? This guy was freed after being wrongly accused of rape-- for 18 YEARS-- and then, after he was released, he murdered someone.

WHY #4: Why was anyone surprised? Mom was called to come to school to pick up her child who was disruptive and then...

"The mother of a Cannella Elementary student was jailed Friday after throwing a
cursing fit in her son’s classroom and threatening the principal, according to
an arrest report. " Tampa Bay Online

WHY #5: Another teacher turning her school into a pimpin' barn. What the hell is wrong with these people? And for the love of God... the boy was THIRTEEN. Gah! That just makes me shudder with disgust.

WHY #6: Why would you argue with your co-worker, a fellow kitchen employee at a steakhouse, if he is the dude holding the steak knives?

WHY #7: Why did she remove her clothes? Was she hoping to be forgiven for running down a police officer? You have to read the whole article. What a loony!

WHY #8: Why isn't this woman running for president? Her brilliance and class act will amaze you. With video goodness. If you skip all the other links, make sure you view this one.

And that concludes this edition of the Weekend Why Files.

Friday Food Fancying...

1. After seeing commercials for TLC's Take Home Chef with Curtis Stone, I asked my husband what he'd think if he came home from a long day of whatever it is he does for a living* and saw me standing there with Curtis Stone in our kitchen. It wouldn't be quite the same as seeing me with Emeril or Paul Prudhomme, would it? At any rate, I know that issue has me thinking twice about what I wear to the grocery store. ;-)


2. Apparently, girls who eat at Quizno's need more meat. Check out this YouTube clip of the commercial. What is UP with that girl's laugh? Puh-leeze.





3. My youngest wanted to go to Cheeseburger in Paradise today with a friend... so being the cool mom that I am, I accompanied the two 13-year-olds. Yeah, hanging out with your mom is super cool! (I bribed them to let me come with them... I offered to pay.)

Ever tried the Chocolate Nachos? They're mmmmm... for the first few bites anyway. After about two or three, I start to feel a little nauseous and ask myself what the hell was I thinking? I don't eat stuff like this very often, but hey. Every so often, I like to live dangerously. Yeah, I'm such a rebel.









*He's self-employed, which is secret code for doing whatever the hell he wants to do. Ah, just kidding. He is diligently working at becoming the Sugar Daddy he promised me he would be. You Go, Farm Boy!

A Tribute...

... to Maliavale and her fabulous memories of childhood and sibling pride.

5 Things Making Me Smile...

1. Ah, good old Nebraska weather. If you don't like it, wait five minutes.

Today, we set a record high: 80 degrees F (about 27 C). 12 days ago, we had the biggest blizzard in about 30 years, and my family was stuck in our house for 2.5 days. The low temps this weekend will probably dip down below freezing again, so we're likely to experience a 60 degree temperature swing in a matter of three days. Gotta love it!

I'm not going to complain, though. Today was absolutely lovely. Everyone was smiling, driving around with windows open, and hooky alerts were flying high in schools and offices around town. I considered jumping on a driving range this evening, but I didn't have my clubs with me.

2. I am sooooooo PMSing right now. BUT, the good side is, no 5lb PMS weight. Suh-weet! Still not sure how that happened.

Or... WAIT! Does that mean that I really lost 5 more pounds, because I did actually put on the extra 5 lbs of water weight??? So I'll be 5 lbs lighter in a couple of days??? Either way, I don't care. I'm just happy.

3. I stopped at the drugstore yesterday, aka That Ideal Store in the Land of Perfect, but Not Really... and guess what? They had Buy One, Get One FREE products!!! The free stuff was Revlon, not one of my faves, but I'll take free lip gloss anyday. Well, sort of free. I still had to buy one. But what a deal! Ummm, okay, I might have purchased more than one. Told ya I was a sucker.

4. I have a day off on Friday. Yay! But I have to go to the dentist. Boo. But that means I will have shiny teeth! Yay!

Speaking of Shiny Teeth....

5. This song makes me want to jump up and down, grinning from ear to ear, and then dance all around my house. I double-dog dare you to TRY and sit still while it plays. You can purchase/download the original video from iTunes here, or you can sit back dance and enjoy this person's interpretation via YouTube:

Female Empowerment... is that flushing sound you're hearing right now...

AKA My Apologies To Alice Paul, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Eleanor Roosevelt, Gloria Steinem... You All Know Who You Are.

I feel like all their efforts are being flushed down the toilet.

When I was a young girl growing up in the 70s and 80s, Female Empowerment was all about getting equal pay for the same job, earning the rights to be respected as any man would in the same position, and to be seen as something other than a sex object. Women were bringing home the bacon, fryin' it up in the pan, but yet never never never letting their husbands forget that they were men. It was okay to look good while you did all this... but the focus was intended for a woman's brain and accomplishments... not her bra size or amazingly-cellulite-free tush.

The women I saw on TV as a little girl in the 70s-- who made an impact on who I am today:

• Mary Tyler Moore... a single woman who used her brain, not her feminine wiles, to get a job in journalism. While Mary was considered fashionable and pretty, she was mainly a working girl, and the episodes centered around her independence in that harrowing (haha) Minneapolis burg.
• Maude... tough, independent, strong-willed, and opinionated, Maude was no Harriet Nelson*. Her character had been married four times when the show first began. I don't think anyone would ever confuse Beatrice Arthur with a sex object. I'm just sayin.'
• Lucy... from Here's Lucy, we met a widow with two kids who got a job to support her family. No man necessary, and of course, hilarity ensued.
• Elaine from Taxi... a female taxi driver in New York in the late 70s? Wow. Elaine was a single mom who supported her kids by driving a cab. Sure, she was pretty, and she dated half the cast... but she was a tough chick, too. I don't recall any episode where she had to flash anyone to get things to go her way...

Really, I was probably a little young to be watching some of these shows at the time. But my point is... Mary Tyler Moore never had a dream sequence where she changed into a barely-there bikini to increase ratings during sweeps. Bea Arthur didn't get Botox or a boob job to show she still had it as an older woman playing a lead character. Lucy didn't give her boss a lap dance to advance her career. Elaine, who was definitely the one and only female sex symbol on the show, didn't resort to stripper-like behavior to get Louie to give her more calls when she needed extra money. Sometime, she actually used her brain to outwit him.

What chance do my girls, or anyone else's daughters, have now with the "gotta be sexy or I'm not worth jack" pervasive attitude? For that matter, what chance do our boys have to learn how to respect women, when the images that bombard them everyday tell them we're objects? Oh, but we're sexually empowered objects. Yeah, great. That makes me feel so much better.

Women who say they're more empowered by being overtly sexual all the time are lying to themselves and everyone around them. Don't get me wrong. I don't want girls to think they have to go all June Cleaver** and wear a pretty dress every time their man comes home from work, ensuring that dinner is on the table and the house is neat as a pin. Nor do I believe that women should avoid talking about sex or even having sex when they want, that it's a dirty subject that nice girls don't bring up. That's all bullshit, too.

What I don't buy, though, is that we, as women, can give into the "I'll let you treat me like an object, because it actually gives me all the power" philosophy espoused by so many now. Older women like Sharon Stone and Madonna are grabbing nude scenes... just because they can. They want everyone to know they've still got IT.

Girl power, my ass. I hope to God that when I'm in my 50s, people will be able to say that I've contributed to my community, that I was a loyal friend, a good mother, a positive role model for other women, and maybe even a leading force in education...

... NOT, "Oh, my goodness, Ethel! Look how perky her boobies still are at her age!"

*for younger readers, please see Ozzy and Harriet

** again for younger readers, please see Leave It To Beaver

Weekend Why Files... Now With Even More Grumpiness

1. Why do we need a show to search for the next Pussycat Doll? Why don't we just show more Girls Gone Wild commercials* and call it even? And while we're at it...

1a. Why is Mark McGrath throwing away his career? First, the anchor job at that hard-hitting journalism jewel, Extra, and now the host of The Search for the Next Doll? Mark, are you still trying to get people to quit calling you "Sugar," or do you really want to become the next Billy Bush? 'Cause, ummm, dude... that's not aspiring to much. (sorry, Billy)

2. Why does Daylight Saving Time hate me? I'm always frustrated at having to change our clocks, and I've said it before. Now, we have to adjust even earlier that usual in the spring, because it's supposedly going to save us all kinds of money. I'll believe it when I see it. What I DO know is that my internal clock will now be all kinds of screwed up for the next two or three weeks.

3. Why is it so fashionable lately to go into rehab... seemingly more so than ever??? You'd need to grow a few more appendages to add up the number of celebrities who publicly announced their checking into Promises or some other rehab center in the last year. Here's an idea: be proactive. Don't put yourself into the situations that are eventually going to result in you needing rehab.

There are soooooo many people who have real problems and need real help. If you go "crazy" because your fans aren't paying enough attention to you, perhaps you need something more than 28 days of the best pampering your money can buy you. Perhaps you just need a big ol' smack in the head.

4. Why are these Why Files crankier than usual? (oooh, ooooh, I know! I know!)

5. Why did it take the US Post Office so long to figure out the idea of a "Forever" stamp? I remember someone in my class in 2nd grade proposing this same idea a bajillion years ago.** It would be nice to not have to purchase those little add-on stamps to accompany the out-dated stamps I buy every time the USPS decides to raise their rates... again. Isn't it averaging out to something like every other day now?


And this concludes this Weekend's Why Files... hope your weekend was just grand.

*Not that I really want that. In fact, that show depresses me more than anything else on the planet, I think. Seriously, girls. Keep your clothes on. You're just going to regret it in a few years. And you just look like drunken fools. Unlike drunken geniuses.

**Well, okay. It wasn't actually a bajillion years ago, but it seems like it.

Watch the Birdie...

FYI... The Friday Why Files is migrating to the Weekend Why Files... because I'm too lazy busy to get them done during the week.

I could not smile normally for any pictures when I was little. All my school pictures looked like I had just eaten really bad fish. For candid pictures with family, I had to smile the biggest nerdy grin I could possibly eke out from my little kid face. Note, in the diagram below, how my eyes were always squeezed shut from smiling so very hard.

Ack. I look more like Joe Cool in my artist-like-rendering of my young self than anything else. Meh. Just take my word for it. I smiled like a grinning fool in almost every picture taken with a Polaroid.

The school pictures, though... holy shiznit on a stick. They were sooooooooo bad!! My first school picture experience in Kindergarten was the one that set the tone for all future school photos. The "photographer" was a blithering idiot making little kid noises at me. What? Didn't he see how cool and mature I was? Sheesh! I wasn't 3 or anything. I was a big, serious, school girl who was 5. So, my picture came back with me attempting to smile while sporting a major look of disdain on my face.

When the prints arrived, I was so upset, but mom said we were keeping them. No vanity re-takes way back then. So, all my grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. got the "Bad Fish Face" picture of Little Grumpy. I hated that picture so much!

From that time on, I had the equivalent of stage fright when getting my school pictures taken. My expressions varied from little twitches at the corners of my mouth to full-on-constipation-face. And my stupid parents kept BUYING THE FREAKING PICTURES. I think, if they would have turned down the picture package for even one of those years, my fears might have been alleviated enough to be normal the following year. But nooooooooooooo.

Although I eventually outgrew it all, I really didn't take a decent picture until my senior pictures in high school. My parents were so amazed that they actually had some good pictures of me with nice smiles. But I do see glimpses of that same freaked-out little girl now in adulthood. I don't like having candid shots taken of myself, especially if I'm talking. I might be somewhat photogenic when posed and smiling, but mid-sentence? I look like I'm stoned or off my nut. NOT attractive.

So, besides trying to preserve my anonymity, which will become more and more difficult if I grow this bloggy-thing*, there are a number of reasons you won't see my big round mug** on this site. That is, unless there's a lovely, purple blockhead masking it.

*I want to add more stuff, like my flickr photos, to this page, but then I would have to create a separate flickr account for this blog as compared to my real-life identity. And... then I'd have to decide which pictures go on which flickr account. Gah. Too much effort. Why is this such a difficult issue for me??? Part of it is professional, but a lot of it is that I feel so much more freedom to post when I know there's not much probability that family members will find me.

**Speaking of "mugs," I hope to have some mug designs ready for you to peruse within the next week!

Never Enough Until You've Got All The Stuff...

The Farm Boys often tells me that I am a marketing department's dream. A true delight. In fact, I know they literally salivate, just thinking about what a sucker I am.

Picture a team sitting down to compose their company's latest ad campaign, thinking, "What would get that Grumpy Frump person in the store to spend all her money?"

Well, since you asked...

• Buy One, Get One Free
  ... that seems pretty fair. If I want or need the item, I'm going for that 100% of the time. If I don't need or want it, I'll still go for it about 50-75% of the time.

• Buy One, Get a Second for 50%
  ... not as good as the second item for free, but still a pretty good deal. I bought six pairs of pants the other day for the price of four and half pairs. I'm still ahead in that deal, plus I desperately needed the pants.
  

• Spend $X or more and receive FREE SHIPPING!
  This is the one that always gets me. I get all excited -Free Shipping? Score! W00T!! A couple of weeks ago, this was the offer at Sephora. All I wanted was some new lip gloss (trying some of whoorl's suggestions). My total was about $50. It I searched around for more items to purchase to tip me over the $75 mark Sephora had set (like THAT would be difficult). After a while, it dawned on me that I was about to spend $25 more for things I didn't really need, just to avoid a shipping fee that would be less than $10. I didn't take the offer this time. But I was this close.
  

• 2-For $X, 3-For $X...
  If you make the math easy for me, I'll buy it. Items that are usually 10.99 each, but are now an amazing "2 for $20," color me SOLD. CheezIts- 3 for $5? Oh yeah. They're in the cart. This is the main reason I rarely leave Target without spending at least $100-200.
  

• Spend $X, and we'll throw in a FREE [nice, but usually very inexpensive item]!
  I'm a goner for this ad strategy. Food, makeup, perfume... it doesn't matter. Vickie S usually does this to me. I need VS lotion, but I will inevitably bring home lotion, perfume, and a cute little bag. Meals delivered to my door... buy at least two, and get an extra FREE meal. You got it. I look at it as savings, but sometimes I'll spend more just to get the free stuff. Obviously, this is not resulting in any savings at all.
  

Email and online ordering have only compounded the problem for me. If I have to drag my butt out to the mall, I might not grab the bait every time. But if the ad comes in an email? And it only takes me 5 minutes to browse, click "Add to My Cart", and hit "Submit My Order" online? SOLD!

Does anyone else do this? The Farm Boy thinks I have a sickness.

If I only purchased items when they were on sale, I don't think it would be that big of a deal. But I buy things even when they're not involved in some special offer. So, my "sale" purchases are in addition to all the other things I just have to have.

Hello. My name is Grumpy F., and I am a compulsive shopper.

Coffee Talk with DCMM

BEYOND busy right now. Hope to be back soon... besides, my Google Reader is going to explode with the number of unread posts I have right now.

In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic.

"The Partridge Family was neither a partridge nor a family." Discuss.

The Fever Has Broken...

We were finally able to get out of the house today. Huzzah!

Again, being trapped in a house for two days is not such a bad thing, especially if you have heat, food, cable, and internet access. But Cabin Fever was definitely a problem in the last 48 hours.

I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I was talking with my parents today about the last blizzard in which we were trapped in the house. We couldn't get out for over a week. At that time, we lived in a very small, two-bedroom home... possibly less than 1000 square feet for the whole house. My aunt and grandfather had been stranded in a car about a mile away, and they hiked through strong gusts of wind and dangerous sub-zero temperatures to get to our house. Seven people were trapped together in that house, three of them were under the age of 7. We had enough food. We had heat. We were fine.

As I kept talking about it today, I pointed out to my youngest teenage daughter that we didn't have cable TV back then, nor did we have video games, VCRs, DVDs. My sister and I listened to our stereo/record player a lot, I guess... but that was really our only entertainment outside of the TV. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember a lot about it, but I'm guessing we played a lot of board games and just waited out the storm. And the thing is... I don't remember feeling trapped. It was kind of like a party for us, because my dad didn't have to go to work, and my grandpa and aunt were there to play with us, too!

Today, our first trek out of the house was to fast food. We only had about 40 minutes to get something to eat before dropping Daughter #1 off at school for a rehearsal, so fast food would have to do (not my preference, but what can you do?). As they stepped out of the car in the fast food parking lot, Daughters #1 and #2 jumped up and down with glee, screaming and laughing, "We're FREE! We're FREE!!"

What a couple of goobers.

BUT... my happy-time was just around the corner, because we made a quick trip to Target. AND... I spent less than $100. Woot!

Life is good. :-)

Cabin Fever is Raging...

... aka My Children are The Biggest Ingrates on the Planet Today.

We're still stuck in our house, because snow plows have not made it to our sub-division. Big whoop. If we were stuck here for two weeks, we'd have plenty to eat. Granted, it might not be what we WANT to eat, but we'd have food, and we still have power. So, we're warm, we're not starving, and we even have cable, including On Demand. What is the problem!?!?

When I turned six, we had one of the worst blizzards in many years. My birthday party was cancelled, because we were snowed in. For DAYS. We started eating only what we needed to conserve food, just in case. Granted, I was only 6, but it was a pretty scary time.

This storm isn't all that scary to me, and I think my kids are simply too used to the comforts that have been provided for them. We haven't even been snowed in for even 48 hours yet, and they're whining and stomping around like little divas. I have cabin fever, too. I would love to be able to get out of the house, but we can't. I just want to scream at them to get over it! There have been some major tragedies due to this storm, even one that has touched some of our family, and they're upset because they can't go get chicken wings.

It's a day like this that makes me question my mothering skills. Have I brought them up this way? or is it just a by-product of their environment, their friends, their generation?

Everyone around us who has ventured out, even with 4-wheel drive, has become stuck in the snow. Then they have to spend the next couple of hours digging themselves out. The Farm Boy thinks he could take a snow blower out to the cul-de-sac and cut through all the drifts to free us and our neighbors. It would take HOURS. No thanks. Let's be patient and wait this thing out.

Snowed In...

Well, the good thing is: I didn't have to go to work today.


The bad thing is: I couldn't have gone to work today, even if my life depended on it.


Here are some really bad shots of the snow. It's blowing so hard outside, I can't stand up long enough to take a picture. These were shot through windows.

Long Time No Blog...

Got the flu. Out two days. Felt better today, but then had to go to a funeral.

Doesn't leave much time for blogging.

Hope to be back tomorrow. :-)

Notes To MySelf...

1. You don't like other people's children. Remember? Especially when your children are not with you. And especially when you're out with the Farm Boy for "adult time." And MOST especially when those other children are under the age of 5, and whose parents think them "precious" enough to bring to what is usually considered an adult hang-out. So, when that skinny bitch hostess at the restaurant asks you if "this table" is okay-- the one right next to the toddler in the high chair-- where the floor surrounding him is already covered in food, crayons, a broken plastic dish, and something that looks like cola-soaked napkins-- say what you really feel. That should sound something like, "Hell NO, that table is not effing okay!"

2. You are a lightweight. One drink gets you buzzed. Two drinks... you're just asking for it. So, why, then on Friday night, after you drank that first (STRONG) margarita, did you agree to a second (STRONG) margarita? Did you not notice your already slurred speech whilst conversing with the Farm Boy? Did you not feel how slowly your eyes were panning the restaurant? Did you not feel that dizzying effect when you whipped your head around to find yet another screaming kid just out of your view? All those should be hints that you've had enough. That's also why your stomach is hating you today, you stupid biatch.

3. Your 8-lb chihuahua (yes, the same one that worships you) is not a camel. Not only does he need to drink water, he eventually needs to release that same water. You prefer that he do that outside. So does he. But... when you don't pay attention to him for 4 to 5 hours (that you might have spent lounging around today doing absolutely, freaking nothing), he's going to have an accident. On your white carpet. Which you will have to clean up, you stupid, stupid moron.

Oh, and whilst he is having said accident, don't freak out at him and yell at him to go outside. 'Cause once that "dam" is released, it's not stopping. If you do, you'll regret it. A lot. Like, for instance, instead of cleaning up one LARGE potty spot, you'll be cleaning his entire path from your bedroom to the front door. And yes, that's ALL white carpet. AND the Spot Bot doesn't work on the longest-trickle-spot in doggy history.

That's all. Just... please try not to be such a bonehead. Don't make me have to kick your ass.

Love,
Me

Today's Friday Why Files... Now With More Obvious Answers!

WHY #1: Why did the judge in the Anna Nicole ruling feel the need to break down and cry at the end? You know, as I’ve said before, I feel that ANS was a pretty tragic figure, and really? What a sad ending to such a sad life. Even after her death, people (yes, Your Honor, this finger is pointing at you) are still riding her coattails to fame. That judge should be smacked upside the head. I know he wants to be the next Judge Wopner, but maybe he could try a little less grandstanding in the courtroom?? I was just embarrassed for him.

WHY #2: Why did Britney have a meltdown in front of paparazzi? Gee. Let me think. Perhaps she’s experiencing the worst time of her entire life, and these morons are trying to capture a Kodak moment. I don’t usually post about celebrities who already have enough exposure… but come on! It’s more than obvious the girl needs help, not more candid camera shots. I don’t purchase tabloids, because I don’t believe 99% of what they print. Additionally, supporting the paparazzi’s greed isn’t my cup of tea. Now I guess I’m going to boycott the gossip blogs that post these pictures, too.

WHY #3: Why am I driving nearly 200 miles tomorrow right into the middle of a snow storm? Yes, because I am stupid. Update: the school cancelled the trip, so now I don't have to go. Woot!

WHY #4: I mean, I know they’re delicious and all… but why would anyone start a fight over a toaster strudel?

Scuffle over strudel ends in stabbing – The Salt Lake Tribune


WHY #5: Why didn’t I think of this??

Guy buys an Ikea end table for $15, makes three electric guitars from the table and sells each guitar for $1500. – BoingBoing.Net



And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Happy Weekending.

Wuv, Twue Wuv, Will Fowwow You Fowevah...

Most women in my generation will admit to being programmed about love. As young girls, Disney taught us that our handsome prince would one day sweep us off our feet, away from wicked step-mothers or evil witches, to live happily ever after in the castle of our choice. And a lot of us waited for that prince.

I’d like to think I found one. The Farm Boy is a pretty good guy… his nickname comes from the Princess Bride, and he often calls me “Buttercup” and tells me, “As you wish.” Sounds like true love, yes?

However, I think the one creature on this planet who loves me more than any other is… my dog. Ask my husband if I’m the love of his life, he might crack some joke or say that we haven’t been married long enough to truly know. Take one look at my little Chihuahua, and you’ll know. I am the love of HIS life.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

Daughter #1: Mom! Seriously! Look at that dog! He’s just sitting there waiting for you to look at him. He’s patiently waiting for you to sit down on the bed with him so he can snuggle with you!

[on phone with boyfriend]: Dude, that dog LOVES my mom. Seriously. I mean, he worships her.

I wouldn’t be surprised if, during the day when we’re not home, he’s home building shrines to her.

[in the Taco Bell Chihuahua voice]: “Oh, Yo Quiero The Mommy! Ohhhhh!”


I guess I’ll take what I can get. :-)

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On a completely unrelated note… I gave up the queen mother dirty word for Lent. I’ve already broken that promise twice… in less than 24 hours. Gah. What exactly is the penalty for that??

Is It Weird in Here, or Is It Just Me?*

I’m a bandwagon jumper, so I decided to do a Six Weird Things about me… although, I could probably post one of these every week. I’m just that weird.

Here’s the first installment--

1. I am a classic example of a study in contrasts. I am absolutely meticulous about my appearance. My hair has to be neatly done every day (no throwing it up in a pony tail or looking purposefully mussed), makeup perfectly applied, clothes steamed and wrinkle free, and accessories must be worn at all times. I feel naked without some kind of jewelry, and God forbid I leave the house without lipstick or lipgloss. *shudder*

However, with all that anal-retention about my appearance, you’d think my house would be neat as a pin. Ummmm… NO. Not hardly. My bedroom is a total disaster. It bothers me, but not enough to do much about it. Kitchen? Well, it’s clean enough. Dirty dishes don’t bother me if they’re in the sink for a day. Besides, that’s one of the kids’ chores, so I don’t usually clean too much in there. Clutter just doesn’t bother me to the point of having to clean non-stop. Sure, I get a wild hair every once in a while to tackle some major part of the clutter, but usually… not so much. If I had my wish, we’d have a live-in maid taking care of all that crap. Where’s Alice when you need her?

2. When I get nervous, I talk. And talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. A guy I dated once likened me to a little jumpy bird. I know that can be boring listening to someone go on and on… and I’m not purposefully trying to monopolize a conversation. Believe me… it’s not all about me. It’s just my nerves. So if you ever meet me in person, you’ll know. (right, -r-?) ;-) I don’t mean to be a bore, so just give me a cookie and tell me to shut up.

3. I have VERY eclectic tastes in music. In a previous job, I volunteered to be the driver to the local lunch spot. The guy who sat in my front seat started sifting through my CDs in the car. I warned him that I had really eclectic tastes, but he didn’t believe me. After going through all of them, he decided I was schizophrenic and looked at me a little funny from then on. What? Why can’t I like Sublime AND Manhattan Transfer? Who doesn’t have a hankering for a little Spin Doctors mixed with a smattering of Barry Manilow now and then? No? It’s just me? Well, I’m okay with that.

4. I can gargle air, pitchless, to the rhythm of Rossini’s William Tell Overture (aka the Lone Ranger theme song). I make the gargling sound with no tones, just glottal clicks (Are you trying it right now??). AND you can actually recognize what musical work it is I’m “performing.” It was a lot cooler when I was a kid. Now, it’s just creepy and weird.

5. I perceive myself as much bigger than I actually am. This has nothing to do with weight or a healthy body image. It’s about how I think I can literally kick people’s asses because I’m so tough. Sadly, not true. In college, a girl spilled beer on me at some party. I turned around to mutilate her, and my friends had to physically restrain me from making a huge mistake. This girl was well over 6 feet tall and quite muscle-y. I’m not even 5’4”—she could have squashed me like the little bug that I am. Apparently, this trait runs in the family. My aunt who stands 5 feet tall on her tippie-toes is the same way. We’re like wolverines… small, but ferocious. Our hatred keeps us warm.** ;-)

6. I’m a packrat to a fault (the Farm Boy would call that a major understatement). You would think I grew up in the Depression era or something (no, I did not). Plastic bags, paper bags, gift bags, shoe boxes, cardboard boxes, gift boxes… I can’t make myself throw that stuff away. I even like to hold on to packaging materials. Last night, I bought some lotion and other good smelly-stuff from Vickie S’s house. I bought a boxed set, because it was a better deal. Plus, the box is cute. I will never need that box. Right? Right??? But I couldn’t make myself throw it away. It’s stashed in a place where the Farm Boy won’t find it, because he would surely throw it away. And then where would I be??? I also didn’t throw away the big plastic bubbly packing stuff from a bag I bought – I’m sure I’ll need that someday, too.

I’m sure this “weird thing” relates greatly to the state of my house mentioned in point number one above… and it’s a sickness, I know.

*credited to comedian Steven Wright
**10 points to the first person who "gets" that.

Five Reasons Why Today Didn't Suck...

1. Every pair of pants I own are too big. I can zip them up, button them, whatever... and still pull them down over my hips while they're fastened. I spent most of the day hiking up my drawrs. *

This means two things: a) I am actually seeing major results from the recent weight loss, and b) I am going shopping tonight for new pants. W00T!

Some guy at work even called me a "little cutie" today and noticed the weight loss. Usually, I would be totally creeped out by that, but it didn't bother me. Nope, not today!


2. A slower schedule at work and no obligations after work makes Grumpy less... ummm, grumpy.


3. The temperature is currently a balmy 42 degrees F.
At 6:00pm.
In that midwest place where I live which is usually colder than a [fill in your choice of cold analogies here].
Tomorrow, it will reach the 50s.
I may wear shorts to work. (okay, not really)

4. I finally washed the Loser Cruiser after several weeks... in fact, I've actually lost track of the last time it was washed. It is now a shiny Loser Cruiser.

5. Did I mention I'm going shopping? Retail therapy always aids in elevating a day to non-suckage.**

So, there you have it. Please pray that my credit score doesn't take a hit after tonight.

*Yes, I know that "drawrs" are technically underwear. But when your pants/trousers are hanging on you so much that your butt disappears entirely from view... you can call them "drawrs." Really, you can. I have permission from a very high authority.

**Technically, there are 6 things that made this day not suck. But I'm a lady, and I don't share those things in my blog. :-)

My Day of Suckage

What a horrible day. It started off okay, but just spiraled downward as the day progressed. I'm too stressed out, and I don't see an end in sight. Gah.

So what is one to do at the end of such a sucky day?

Go to Chipotle, of course, and drown your sorrows with a yummy, veggie burrito... even if you're only going to eat half of it, because you're a little bitch who counts calories. Ah, but that just means I have the other half for lunch tomorrow. It's WIN-WIN all around! W00T!

There. I feel SOOOO much better!

Excuse Me... Can We Have Some Chlorine Over Here??

I hate stupid people. And by stupid, I mean those who choose NOT to use their brains. Stupid people are taking over the planet.

There's a really bad movie called Idiocracy, starring Luke Wilson. Mike Judge (Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill) wrote it, directed it, produced it, etc. The basic plot is Luke Wilson is in the US army, gets volunteered for a cryogenic-like experiment, and through some egregious oversight, is forgotten for 500 years.

When he is 'awakened,' the planet is overtaken with dumbasses. The theory here is that smart people choose not to procreate early in their lives, and then they just run out of time to have a family. The lesser intelligent folks are out polluting the gene pool with everyone under the sun. So, society 500 years later is dominated by complete idiots. I won't go into the details, because much of the movie was incredibly lame. HOWEVER, the whole plot is starting to make sense to me. I am beginning to think it's where society is headed. While watching this movie, I was glad I didn't waste money paying for it. Ever since then, I've been more and more convinced of Mike Judge's brilliance.

Example #1: The Farm Boy and I just returned from a short trip... we drove about 180 miles east of our city. On the drive out, we ran straight into the effects of the Alberta clipper that passed through. There were several winter storm watches and blowing snow advisories. You'd think people in the midwest would know how to handle weather like this. But NOOOOO*. On our way back this morning, we counted 58 vehicles in the ditches, in the grassy medians, and down steep embankments... all in about a 50 mile stretch. 58! And that didn't take into account all the cars that had already been towed out overnight. The basic mistake for most of them was speed, icy patches on the interstate, and sudden braking. We saw some of it happen. People who were in a hurry sped past us, only to have to slam on their brakes when they came upon the other twenty or so cars also going slowly to prevent accidents. Of the 58 cars, 32 were trucks or SUVs with four-wheel drive. Umm, hello? I know you feel all superior-like, but here's a bulletin for you: four-wheel drive does not stop you on ice. I'm not the only person on the planet with this enlightening information. Wake up, pull your head out of your arse, and drive carefully... before you kill someone. Thank you.

Example #2: My mother always taught me not to talk while there was food in my mouth. It's something I guess I take for granted... plus, it just makes sense. Apparently, Mr. Loud-Mouth Moron sitting in the seat directly behind me at the hockey game last night never had a mother who taught him this very important lesson.

I guess it's okay to yell at the refs while you have a mouthful of beer, and I guess it's okay if you happen to spray the nice lady in front of you in the back of the head. I guess it's also okay to call the other team (the one she's rooting for) a bunch of pansies whilst chowing down on cheap nachos. She won't mind that half-eaten nacho chip that so ever-so-delicately lands on her shoulder. And apparently when she turns around and gives you the biggest stink-eye ever seen from one human being to another, you are too stupid to understand why she is pissed. Luckily, her mother also taught her that she is too small to kick your ass... because, believe me. She had every intention to do so. Actually, you're lucky your little boy was there, because, even though she's too small to take you on, she would have taken the heel of her shoe and smashed your skull in. You know, your skull? That part of your noggin with NOTHING IN IT.

*I know some accidents happen in bad weather and are truly no one's fault... bad weather just happens sometimes. Last night was ridiculous, though. People were driving over 70 mph in that weather, weaving in and out of icy lanes with blowing snow and low visibility. That's just asking for something terrible to happen. Plus, it's just STUPID.

A Super-Sloppy, Super-Short, Friday Why Files

WHY #1: Why did my cubicle neighbor think it was a good idea to bring Leonardo the Tiger to the office? Oh, and why did he think it was a good idea to turn the little guy's vocals on non-stop for the last three days? Today, I tried to pull a Norman Bates with a pair of scissors--that tiger is seriously annoying--, but the boss walked around the corner.

WHY #2: After watching Unwrapped on the Food Network the other night, I am even more incredulous as to why anyone would eat pork rinds. Do you know what these things are MADE of? Ewww! I kept waiting for Marc Summers to pour slime in Super Sloppy Double Dare fashion on the guys who were making them.

Oh, and if you add a comment that you love pork rinds, I don't think we can be friends anymore. (just kidding... we just can't talk about pork rinds EVER again)

WHY #3: Why do I have a feeling that some crazy legislator somewhere will propose some knee-jerk law against building snow caves? I'm just glad those kids were okay!

And that concludes today's Friday Why Files. And I'm outta here for the weekend! Happy Friday!!

I Don't Think It's The Hardest Word...

I think I ate more calories last night in our Valentine’s Day dinner than I usually do in a week. But it was GOOD.

We stayed in last night, and I cooked dinner: filet mignon, lobster tails, twice-baked potatoes, green beans almondine, and chocolate cake. Oh, and we washed it all down with a big bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Très yummy. (No, I didn’t make it all from scratch.)

The Farm Boy got me an iPod alarm clock and a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. He is a very, VERY good man. And I am very lucky. :-)

Enough with the bragging…

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Today’s more serious subject has to do with saying “I’m sorry.”

When I was a little girl, if I did something wrong, I was supposed to say, “I’m sorry.”

Grumpy’s Sister: “Mom! She hit me!”

Grumpy’s Mom: “Grumpy! Don’t hit your sister! Now apologize.”

ME: “Sorry.”

Grumpy’s Mom: “If you don’t mean it, it doesn’t count.”

ME: [pretending to be sincere] “I’m really sorry.”

Grumpy’s Mom: “Much better. Now hug your sister.”

ME: “No way! I’m outta here!”

Then I got grounded.

My point is that my mother was right. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t make up for any of your wrongs unless you really mean it... and then take steps to SHOW you really mean it.

It seems that, every week, some dumbass celebrity/athlete/supergigantic, egoistic, idiot gets in trouble for shooting off his/her mouth. Some truly horrible things are said (see Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and Tim Hardaway for recent examples), and the next day, the PR machine is in full gear. The “stars” (and I use that term loosely) are immediately issuing apologies as quickly as their agents can get them some air time.

Is anyone actually buying that they’re truly sorry???

Are they sorry because they really regret hurting people? Or are they sorry because they regret the possible backlash to their careers and images? You and I both know it’s the latter. So, either it’s okay to be a total arse because someone finds you entertaining in some arena or other…

... or WE need to start backing up what we believe with our loudest voices. That might be our money, and that might be our celebrity 'worship.' Either way, things won't get better until we makes ourselves heard.

End of rant. *self-righteously steps off her soap box*

Valentine Gift Suggestions.. for mega realz...

It never ceases to amaze me how lame some suggestion lists are when it comes to Valentine's Day. Yes, I know... it's not a "real" holiday... it's one you either love or hate... I get that. But I still read the lists anyway, because I find humor in what is assumed as a good gift idea. I rarely use those ideas myself... I much prefer being a little more creative. But the suggestion lists are always good for a few laughs. Like these suggestions, all from actual websites advertising Valentine's Gift Ideas:

1. A Valentine "Assortment of Romantic Cheeses in a Gift Box" by igourmet.com. Romantic cheeses? Don't get me wrong... I lovey the cheeses. Love, love, love. But ROMANTIC? What exactly makes a cheese romantic?

2. 32 oz Wolf Urine Lure. WTF? Is this high on most men's lists? Do that many people have problems with unwanted deer or other wolf prey that buying 32 ounces of wolf urine is a necessary purchase? And for Valentine's Day??? "Gee, thanks, Hon! It's just what I've always wanted!"

3. The Civil War: A Narrative, by Shelby Foote. A three-volume, hardcover set. I know I love nothing more than settling down together on a chilly Valentine's evening, snuggling next to the Farm Boy, reading aloud to each other the details of brutal, bloody battles. Good times!

4. The Kyjen Company Dog Agility Starter Kit. Okay, well, maybe your lover is also a dog-lover. Or maybe there's some interesting angle that works for humans that I don't know about. This could become a little kinkier than I'm willing to imagine. Or, maybe it's just a bad gift idea for Valentine's.

5. The Parmigiano Collection in a Gift Box. Seriously? Again with the CHEESE? Maybe combined with a few bottles of wine, I could buy that as a romantic gift. But the cheese standing alone? Is that really romantic?

6. World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. This is what you buy for your Valentine if you NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM/HER AGAIN. "Honey, are you coming to bed?" "Yep. Right after I finish this next level." Right. Plan on being celibate for a long time.

7. Couples Key Chains. Yes, I'll admit that this could be a romantic gift, and I do love Red Envelope. Truly, I do. At first, I was all "aww, that's sweet!" But then I looked at the structure of the key chain. How the pieces, together, form a heart. Separated-- similarly to the Best Friends necklace/keychain concept, the heart is divided in half. This particular shape doesn't even look like half a heart. The Farm Boy would think it was a beer bottle opener. Classy, huh? Umm... wait. Now that I think of it... maybe that's what I should have gotten him for Valentine's.

Happy Valentine's Day. :-)

Snow Day...

Mmmm.... *yawn*

If you need me, I'll be by the fireplace today, snuggled in a blanket, drinking a glass of tea, and reading a book. Just what the doctor Mother Nature ordered.

Not My Greatest Inspiration...

This is me today... dark circles were added (or at least I attempted to add them).

For some reason last night, I was unable to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. Then I would awaken, either in pain or completely restless, and toss around in bed for the next hour or so.

I feel like Al Pacino in Insomnia today... and Robin Williams is tap-dancing on my head, proving that even a funny guy can be a really scary guy in the right movie.

But at least I look like hell today. Gah.

I have NO clue what happened last night. I don't feel extremely anxious about anything, I don't think.

Oh, and the nightmares... the nightmares! I don't even want to recount them... they were that scary. One minor scene that I will share though was some guy I totally detest sitting next to me at a restaurant and telling me, "I love you. I really do. I really, really like you, too. I love you. Did you hear me? I love you." I woke up stifling a scream.

I didn't eat anything bad before bed... no spicy or extremely fatty foods. Just one scrambled egg, one English muffin with a little pumpkin butter, and a glass of milk. That was my dinner at 8:30. I was in bed by 10:30. Usually crazy food combinations don't even have an effect on my dreams... and even if they did, that dinner was far from being crazy. Right?

So, is my subconcious self trying to tell me something? Or does it just really, really hate me so much that it's messing with my precious, precious sleep?

Insomnia might be an inspiration to some, but not for me. It just makes me grumpy. GrumpIER. Like I need help with THAT!

I am a HUGE Nerd...

I love Star Wars. Blame it on my age... I was 8 when the first one came out. So, basically, I grew up with the first three movies.

You can dog on George Lucas all you want for the goofy characters (yes, Jar-Jar, I'm looking at you), the not-so-great acting, the cheesy dialogue... I don't care. I love it all.

One of those movie cable stations that is known by three letters has been playing all six movies lately. I caught the last part of The Empire Strikes Back (my personal favorite of the six)yesterday, and then Return of the Jedi was on again this morning.

And blast that George Lucas... he's changed it AGAIN. A few years back, he remastered the original three movies, added a few new scenes, and asked John Williams to rescore a few scenes. So imagine my surprise this morning when I noticed that the very last scene had been changed yet again. I won't ruin it for those of you who want to watch it yourselves. But I did like this change. It makes more sense, and is even a little more of an emotional tug.

And no, I didn't get misty or anything while watching the end again. Nope. Not one bit. Uh-uh. Not me.

I know... I'm a huge nerd.

A "One Day, I'll Need to Count The Number of Editions I Have" Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why can’t someone be logical about this issue? In the continuing stooooory* of distracted driving legislation, this one includes some really interesting bans: Vermont legislators are considering banning “…eating, drinking, smoking, reading, writing, personal grooming, playing an instrument, “interacting with pets or cargo,” talking on a cell phone or using any other personal communication device while driving.” [CBS News]

Yeah, I grab that guitar out of my backseat and strum along all the time I’m driving. Haha Oh, and when I was in college as a music major, my “instrument” was my voice. Does that mean I can’t SING while I drive?

Seriously though, I’ve posted many times about the government’s intrusion into matters such as these. I wholeheartedly agree that distracted driving has escalated into very dangerous territory. People who do not practice safe driving with cell phones are as dangerous as those who put on makeup, eat, drink coffee, etc. while driving. I think putting specific items into legislation is missing the point. Reckless driving is reckless driving. Having a carload of passengers can be just as or more distracting than taking a sip of water. I also know that my headset connected to my phone that I use while driving is no more distracting than the guy next to me with his bass thumping so loudly that my stomach starts to vibrate.

And IF legislation such as this is passed, what next? No allergens allowed in cars, because they could cause you to sneeze… and that’s distracting. No open windows, because bees could fly in and sting you while you’re driving… and that’s distracting.



WHY #2: Why have I never before had Pumpkin Butter? I already love apple butter with a passion… but have recently found pumpkin butter. Sweet heaven on earth! It’s delicious! On toast, on English muffins, on waffles or pancakes… yummy, yum, yum.


WHY #3: Why didn’t I know that panty hose for men was in such high demand? Creepy.


WHY #4: Why are we so mad on making examples out of kids, without looking at all the evidence? Be sure to read the entire article about the evidence and witness statements. [Houston Chronicle]

Doesn’t intent have any place in this world anymore? Couldn’t this kid have served an after school detention and then end the whole thing? Trust me. As an educator, I’m as strict as they come for those who break the rules. BUT. I also exercise my JUDGMENT as to whether the intent was malicious, the degree of the offense, etc. This borders on harassment, in my opinion. Poor kid.


WHY #5: Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? Oh, yeah. Asinine news articles.


WHY #5: Why am I so happy all of a sudden? Oh, yeah... a fun night out with friends at the local comedy shop. Should be a good time tonight!

This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Happy Friday!

*10 points to the first person to name this TV line reference.

How Long Have We Been Married?

We went to Target tonight. Yes, that place also known as Nirvana II (Chipotle is Nirvana I).

The Farm Boy needed printer paper, a filter for the furnace, and some packing tape. They were out of our filters. So, he got the printer paper and the tape.

I needed... a few other things.


At the checkout, the amount was just a bit over $200.


Or as Farm Boy said bellowed,

"$242.37! I came for printer paper and tape, and it cost me $242.37!!!"

The conversation continued something like this--

ME: "Ummm, duh. It's Target. What did you expect?"

FB: "I didn't expect to buy makeup and hair stuff and socks and kitchen utensils and chopsticks and and other girlie crap!"

[since when are chopsticks "girlie crap?"]

ME: But we didn't make you buy tampons.

FB: True. [pause] Please just kill me.*

Silly boy... he should know better.

*The Farm Boy grew up in California with 5 brothers and one sister. He is desperately trying to combat the inevitable estrogen-creep that is slowly invading his manly persona.

Another set of Random Gripes...

I don't have one main topic today, so bear with me as I straggle along these completely unrelated topics:

1) The Farm Boy is brilliant. Truly, he is. He's a successful business owner, and he started his business from the ground up. I'm extremely proud of him.

But that's what makes mornings like the one we had today so crazy. I went to the garage this morning and pushed the button on the remote to unlock the car doors. No problem. Well, except the lights inside the car always light up when the doors are unlocked. They didn't today. "How odd," I thought to myself.

Then I climbed into the driver's seat. "Hmmm... what is that strange-looking light on the dashboard? Isn't that usually the light that indicates no battery? Maybe I'd better try to start the car."

As I attempted to put my keys in the ignition, I noticed... something was already there. "Hey, those are the Farm Boy's keys! Why are they still in the car? And... why are they still in the on-but-not-running position? Oh, crap. He left the keys in the car last night and didn't turn the car all the way off. Brilliant."

So, no battery this morning. Gah. What's an intelligent Grumpy Frump to do? Make the Farm Boy come back and jump her car? You betcha!

So, the Farm Boy is a brilliant man who occasionally does some really bonehead things. I think I can live with that. ;-)

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2) If you've been around a while, you know I hate Daylight Saving time... on or off. Changing the clocks just messes me up. So, what did I hear yesterday? Are you kidding me? We're changing the dates now? Puh-leeze. Oh, and my favorite part of this new idea is that the "change" could be temporary. We're going to do a study to see if it makes a positive impact. If not, we'll go back to the way it was before. Gah!!

For those of you who do not know, in the US (well, most of us anyway), we will now be springing ahead the second Sunday in March and falling back on the first Sunday of November... effective times 2am both dates.

I now know this was signed into effect two years ago with the Energy Policy Act and all that... but how did I miss this very important part of it? (important to me, of course)

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3) Could somebody please explain to me what the fascination is with "Fast & the Furious"-pimping of crappy little 4-door sedans?

There's a guy who works in the same office building I do... he walks into the office every day carrying his steering wheel. It's a fairly expensive brand, and he's afraid someone will break into his car and steal it. Having not seen his car, I assumed the car was somewhat expensive as well. Well, maybe not so much. I saw him pull in the other morning...

...in a very crappy, little white car that rhymes with Shonda Bivic, circa 1990. Kind of like this one.

But crappier.

With a spoiler.
And some type of backbox on the muffler. When he drives, it sounds like a little dirt bike with the sniffles.

WTF, mate?

Photo credit: epinions.com

A Wee Hours of the Morning Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why am I posting at 5:00 in the morning? (because I'm going out of town today at 6:30)

WHY #2: Why did I agree to chaperone 100 high school kids on a 6 hour drive? (because I'm stupid)

WHY #3: Why is the NFL such a big bully? I understand copyright laws pretty extensively because of my field of expertise, but come on! And this law? "...the NFL objected to the church's plans to use a projector to show the game, saying the law limits it to one TV no bigger than 55 inches." Sorry, honey. You can't get that 62" big screen to watch football. The NFL cops will come after you.

And that concludes today's Friday Why Files... gotta go finish packing!

Am I Insane or Interminably Honest?

In the parking garage at our hotel this past weekend, I found a $5 bill on the ground right in front of the elevators. I looked around to see if anyone had dropped it, but no one was there.

For a few minutes when we stepped inside, I seriously considered stopping at the front desk to see if anyone had lost some money. FIVE dollars. At a three-four star hotel (depending upon whom you ask)... I was going to turn in five dollars. Farm Boy just looked at me like I was nuts.

I kept it, but I still felt badly about it.

What is WRONG with me!?!?

We're Off...

We're off on our Anniversary Getaway. The anniversary was yesterday... and the flowers even arrived at work. :-)

Have a great weekend!

A Plea...

If you're starting to feel sick, please stay home from work. Because... when you don't... you pass along your sickly germs to your colleagues. And they get sick.

My head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds, my throat hurts, and I generally feel achy all over. Thank you, Cubicle Neighbor. I really appreciate it. I'm sure my husband and I will have an absolutely lovely anniversary weekend. Truly.

Oh, and guess where I am? Yes. I'm home. I don't feel like passing along these transferred sicky germs to everyone else... you know... like YOU did to me.

Yes, I know that sometimes germs are passed before symptoms even show up. But if you're hacking up a lung... just stay home.

That's all. Thanks for listening.

Ummm.... I think... No. Just No.

The front page of Yahoo News today shows a photo of the new trend for men. Leggings. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said "LEGGINGS."

Let's discuss the awfulness that leggings already are... in the 80s, under the requisite long sparkly, pastel sweater or hideous neon sweatshirt, leggings served their purpose. Now, not so much.

I will admit, that for young girls (emphasis on YOUNG), worn under a mini-skirt, I quite approve of leggings. Maybe that's because I have young teenage girls in the home, and I prefer that they not pull a Britney and expose any lady knickknacks, if you know what I mean.

Young girls in mini skirts-- you may wear leggings. Everyone else-- No. Men? Oh, HELL NO! For all that is sacred, please! NO! NO! NO!

Note the model at left. Is there anything remotely attractive about this? Can you imagine all the awful places these leggings could take us? Let's just nip it in the bud right now and boycott. Loudly.

Photo credit: Yahoo News, Fashion Wire Daily.

A Fun and Fabulous Friday Why Files...

WHY #1 : If you’re going to steal something, why wouldn’t you make sure you knew something about what you’re stealing? You know, like, maybe those things that look like cell phones might actually be GPS systems? And you know, like, maybe the GPS is still activated on the devices and might lead the police right to your home? You know… that kind of stuff.


WHY #2 : Ummm… just why?


WHY #3 : Why, when reports of record high winter temperatures are all over the US, would you think that driving over a lake would be a good idea?


WHY #4 : Tell me again… why SHOULDN’T I get drunk, wander into a tiger enclosure in Siberia, and share a pack of potato crisps? What? You mean the tiger might bite me? Nah.


WHY #5 : Why is eating spaghetti no laughing matter? Because you could choke on your dining utensils… AND get them stuck in your gullet… AND live to tell the story. Can you imagine showing your grandchildren x-ray photo souvenirs of your esophagus? Bitchin’!

WHY #6: Why can't we have more episodes on TV like last night's Scrubs? Loved it!!! I can't decide if my new favorite song is Guy Love or Everything Comes Down to Poo.


And that concludes Today’s Friday Why Files…

It's All About the Merchandise...

Okay... you asked; therefore, you shall receive.

The T-shirts are ready. You can purchase them online here:

http://www.cafepress.com/grumpyfrump

The price for a regular ladies' tee is 15.99 US; baby doll tees are 18.99 US. I only make a whopping $2 a shirt, so I'm not out to gouge anyone.

If you want one... buy one. If not, no big whoop.

Who knows. Maybe mugs are up next.

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round... Oh, Make It Stop!

I would like one day where I didn't have to rush to get somewhere, rush to get something done, rush to solve a problem, blahdee-blah-blah.

What this means to you... I'm sorry. I'm crazy-busy. I'm trying to read All The Cool Kids, comment when possible, and post when possible. Guess what's taking a backseat to the rest of my life? I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.

SOOOOOO... while I'm busy being busy, why don't you ponder this? It's National DeLurking Week, right? So, if you're reading and have never commented before, PLEASE DO! It's a friendly place here, in spite of the blog title. And if you're a regular, please also comment. I miss you all!

Beware: Spell at Your Own Risk... AKA The Day I Wanted To Shrivel Up and Die

After reading metalia's recent post about her time as a spelling bee nerd, we traded emails and horror stories of our involvement in spelling bees. She has convinced me to post about mine, although I will not be posting any pictures of myself from that time period...


In the metro spelling bee when I was in 8th grade, we were in a tv studio at the local university. They were televising the whole thing on cable. I was the winner from my school, and I had to sit next to the runner-up from our school, a really nerdy 7th grader. We were sitting on metal folding chairs on risers to simulate a stage, I guess. There was a big map of our state hanging over a lame, powder blue curtain behind the top riser... and that's where our seats were. As the kids from the other schools started dropping out, we all just remained in our same assigned seats.

I went up to spell a word, successfully of course (haha), and then returned to my seat. Nerdy Mc7th Grader next to me was next up. I can't remember what his word was, but I know he stumbled over it. Apparently it was something he didn't think he should have stumbled over, because, after actually spelling it correctly, he stomped back up the risers and slammed himself into his seat. This is where the super slo-mo action began in my mind.

I remember turning to him to try to figure out what his major malfunction was, but also was slowly realizing that I was somehow in motion. Before I could do anything about it, I began to understand. His metal, rinky-dink chair was entangled with MY metal, rinky-dink chair. When he slammed himself into his chair, it started pushing my chair backwards... and slowly off the back of the riser. There was probably only about a foot or two between the back of the wall (covered by the powder blue curtain) and the back of the riser. BUT... that's where I flew backwards. My chair quickly became stuck between the riser and the back wall, and there I stayed... flailing wildly, wearing a dress, with my legs straight up in the air. The camera guys (college guys, of course) ran back to help me... while trying desperately not to laugh. They did anyway. All I could think of was the fact that my dress was falling around my waist and how could I get up and regain my dignity. There was no hope. The camera guys pulled me up, took me around the front of the tv studio (oh, yes... this was being recorded for prosperity), and put a plastic cup of water in my shaky hands.

After checking to see if I was "okay" for the umpteenth time, they walked me back to the risers where the remaining 6 or 7 spellers were waiting. Oddly enough, they moved us all to the front row there. I was so embarrassed, nay, humiliated that I couldn't even think straight. The next word they gave me was meringue, and I blew it. It was probably the easiest word I'd had all night, and I didn't even care.

The only saving grace was that they edited the whole fall out of the televised version... and people from my school actually WATCHED the show. Thank God that "the incident" wasn't broadcast. I would have been the laughing stock of the whole school.

Hell is Freezing Over...

Yes, it's true. Hell is freezing over, and little pink piggies have sprouted wings to give them flight.

Cats and dogs are going to start having tea parties every day at 4:00pm.

The clouds will part, and fat-free mochaccinos will begin pouring from the sky.

Osama Bin Laden is going to run into the streets of Baghdad, moon everyone, and then touch a stone in the town square, yelling, "BASE! Olley olley oxen free! US Marines... you're it!"

My kids are going to do all their chores without being told, and Rosie and The Donald are going to make up by French-kissing on live TV. Okay, well maybe not that last one.

Here's why: I'm going to admit that I don't know everything there is to know about something... and if you know me at all, you know that I like to be helpful to people. Therefore, it is my main goal in life to know everything about... everything. Not so I can be arrogant and elitist and make everyone feel lowlier than I. No, not at all. I am the go-to-chick for answers, because I want to be helpful.

Usually, I can figure out things without having to read a manual, even if those things are somewhat complicated. No big deal... I just know.

But now I don't know, and I'm freaking out!

So, there's nothing left to do but admit it and get it over with.

I. Don't. Know. Everything... about my new camera. Sure, I immediately knew how to take pictures, download them, add a flash, use the speed flash, blah, blah, blah. I know about aperture settings and f-stop, yadda yadda yadda. I was a photographer in a former life, so this should be easy.

But this thing has so many options! And I'm so impatient to know it all... it's driving me BATTY.

So, there. It's out. Whew. I feel so much better now.

And, I guess I'll be adding a few pages from my camera manual to my reading list. Gah.

We're Gonna Have A Good Time...

So, I'm another year older today. As I mentioned last year at this time, I have to make a big deal out of my birthday because it's only two weeks after Christmas. If I don't, I'll end up with all those combo-Christmas/Birthday gifts. And those suck.

I've decided that, on this birthday, I'm as old as I'm ever going to get. Starting next year, I'm going to age backwards. I haven't quite figured out how to do that, but I'm a "universal genius," according to an online IQ test*... so it shouldn't be too difficult to learn. haha

As I look at this picture of my nearly two-year-old self, I wonder:

1) Whose earrings are those? My mom didn't wear stuff like that when I was two. And they have to be clip-ons, because I didn't have my ears pierced until I was 12. My mom didn't have her ears pierced until she was 30.

2) That was probably a home-grown hair cut. Nice bangs, huh?

3) I'm pretty darn close to that same hair color, although it was natural then.

4) I need to find some adult-sized jammies like those.

5) My kids really don't look like me at all. Gah.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me... blahdy-blah-blah.

*Bob Newhart recommends in his book, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This, that husbands and wives should never share their IQ scores with each other. He even had an episode in The Bob Newhart Show (1970s TV) that contained this same issue. After ignoring his advice... and consequently regretting it... I would highly recommend that you keep your IQ score to yourself. It could save your marriage. haha

A New Year's First Friday Why Files…

WHY #1: Why is the first week after a vacation so difficult? And exhausting?


WHY #2: Why is watching the Brit-ster so similar to watching a train wreck?? You know it's a disaster, but you Just. Can't. Stop. Watching.

Read here and here for two samples… but check out the picture on MSN. Yikes! I know she's like… just had a baby and all, but ohmigod, y'all, that's a scary photo!


WHY #3: Why would the rights of escaped convicts be "breached" if British police released their photos? Are the Derbyshire police (UK) more concerned about the rights of escaped prisoners than the innocent civilians on the street?


WHY #4: Why am I always freaked out about the future of our society? Oh, yeah… it's because people THIS STUPID exist.


WHY #5: Why do I have a feeling that this burglar who was "beat bad" by a homeowner will someday file a lawsuit against said homeowner for assault?




And that concludes today's Friday Why Files…

Happy 2007...

I guess I don't get as excited for the New Year's holiday as I do for the others. Maybe it's because I'm old enough to realize that each new year is another year closer to an age I'd rather not be. Maybe it's due to the fact that it's so close to Christmas, and I'm still winding down from that holiday. Or possibly, it could be that most of my holidays and celebrations seem to be so close to each other.

Let's examine... shall we?

Thanksgiving is in November. Christmas and New Year's Eve, December. New Year's Day, my birthday, my anniversary are all in January. Within a span of 10 weeks, I have 60% of my traditional holidays and celebrations. haha Okay, even I'm not that narcissistic or selfish that it always has to be about me. As long as it's SOMETIMES about me, I'm good with that. ;-)

It's entirely probable that 2007 brings some bittersweet events for me. My oldest graduates high school in May, and my 20th high school reunion is in July (or June. I forget which). Both should be something to anticipate... and I am anticipating them, truly... but I'm also secretly dreading them.

So with that thought... I wish the rest of you a fabulous 2007. I know I'll spend much of my time in this new year alternately crying and laughing. A lot.