Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Grumpy Helpful Hints- Part 2

If you are trying to watch what you eat and be healthy, NEVER go to a coffee drive-thru that partners with a donut store... and most especially if said donut store has donut holes by the dozen... because you know you will shamefully wolf down said donut holes in the car. So just don't do it. You will face the "Belly Ache of Self-Reproach" for the rest of the day.

This hint is brought to you today by LaMars Donuts and Dunn Bros Coffee (not really... but here's a shout-out to them anyway) and my gluttony.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Grumpy Helpful Hints- Numero Uno

Since I don't have time to write huge, existential, super important blog posts for you all right now, I figured I could at least do some Helpful Hints. In other words, I will help you all to learn from my moronic mistakes. ;-)

So, here is Grumpy Helpful Hint Numero Uno:

When you eat microwaved mashed potatoes (like, maybe, in a Lean Cuisine meal), ALWAYS stir the potatoes really, really well before taking a huge bite. Otherwise, you will suffer from what I'm sure is third degree esophageal burns.

This hint is brought to you today by Lean Cuisine (not really... but here's a shout-out to them anyway) and my sheer stupidity.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Topic That Shall Not Be Named

I don't blog about the "P" word (rhymes with "molitics"), but I will tell you a few things--

1. I will be one happy camper by November 5. In fact, it just can't come soon enough for me. Yes, this (U.S.) election is important. Yes, I exercise my right to vote and proud to do so. BUT... I cannot bear one more political advertisement- tv, radio, web page, road signs, or otherwise. That screaming you hear is me tearing out my hair.

2. I wish someone would bail me out for 700 billion. I'm pretty sure I would go to a spa.

3. Why, if we allow people to run for president outside of the Democrat and Republican parties do we NOT include them in the debates? Are they not important? Were they even invited? I would love to have seen debates including Ralph and T. Boone and Ron... Stephen Colbert should have been the moderator.

4. What I hate the most about "molitics?" People who disagree and can't get over disagreeing. Can we agree to disagree? NO. Apparently, only one side can be right. If you're a donkey, you think elephants are old-fashioned, out of touch, greedy, and WRONG. If you're an elephant, you think donkeys are tree-huggers, irresponsible spenders, bleeding hearts, and WRONG. Guess what? You're all right, and you're all wrong. AND... if you're going to comment (which I invite you to do), don't try to convince me one way or the other. It. Won't. Work.

5. I'm moving to the moon and starting my own republic. The Republic of Grumpy. If you want to join me, that's great. If you get too jerky or stupid, I'm sending you back. So, I guess it's not really a republic. It's more like a monarchy. We'll take turns being queen or king, though. Kthxbai.