Since I don't have time to write huge, existential, super important blog posts for you all right now, I figured I could at least do some Helpful Hints. In other words, I will help you all to learn from my moronic mistakes. ;-)
So, here is Grumpy Helpful Hint Numero Uno:
When you eat microwaved mashed potatoes (like, maybe, in a Lean Cuisine meal), ALWAYS stir the potatoes really, really well before taking a huge bite. Otherwise, you will suffer from what I'm sure is third degree esophageal burns.
This hint is brought to you today by Lean Cuisine (not really... but here's a shout-out to them anyway) and my sheer stupidity.