Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
2. You are a lightweight. One drink gets you buzzed. Two drinks... you're just asking for it. So, why, then on Friday night, after you drank that first (STRONG) margarita, did you agree to a second (STRONG) margarita? Did you not notice your already slurred speech whilst conversing with the Farm Boy? Did you not feel how slowly your eyes were panning the restaurant? Did you not feel that dizzying effect when you whipped your head around to find yet another screaming kid just out of your view? All those should be hints that you've had enough. That's also why your stomach is hating you today, you stupid biatch.
3. Your 8-lb chihuahua (yes, the same one that worships you) is not a camel. Not only does he need to drink water, he eventually needs to release that same water. You prefer that he do that outside. So does he. But... when you don't pay attention to him for 4 to 5 hours (that you might have spent lounging around today doing absolutely, freaking nothing), he's going to have an accident. On your white carpet. Which you will have to clean up, you stupid, stupid moron.
Oh, and whilst he is having said accident, don't freak out at him and yell at him to go outside. 'Cause once that "dam" is released, it's not stopping. If you do, you'll regret it. A lot. Like, for instance, instead of cleaning up one LARGE potty spot, you'll be cleaning his entire path from your bedroom to the front door. And yes, that's ALL white carpet. AND the Spot Bot doesn't work on the longest-trickle-spot in doggy history.
That's all. Just... please try not to be such a bonehead. Don't make me have to kick your ass.
Friday, February 23, 2007
WHY #2: Why did Britney have a meltdown in front of paparazzi? Gee. Let me think. Perhaps she’s experiencing the worst time of her entire life, and these morons are trying to capture a Kodak moment. I don’t usually post about celebrities who already have enough exposure… but come on! It’s more than obvious the girl needs help, not more candid camera shots. I don’t purchase tabloids, because I don’t believe 99% of what they print. Additionally, supporting the paparazzi’s greed isn’t my cup of tea. Now I guess I’m going to boycott the gossip blogs that post these pictures, too.
WHY #3: Why am I driving nearly 200 miles tomorrow right into the middle of a snow storm? Yes, because I am stupid. Update: the school cancelled the trip, so now I don't have to go. Woot!
WHY #4: I mean, I know they’re delicious and all… but why would anyone start a fight over a toaster strudel?
Scuffle over strudel ends in stabbing – The Salt Lake Tribune
WHY #5: Why didn’t I think of this??
Guy buys an Ikea end table for $15, makes three electric guitars from the table and sells each guitar for $1500. – BoingBoing.Net
And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Happy Weekending.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
I’d like to think I found one. The Farm Boy is a pretty good guy… his nickname comes from the Princess Bride, and he often calls me “Buttercup” and tells me, “As you wish.” Sounds like true love, yes?
However, I think the one creature on this planet who loves me more than any other is… my dog. Ask my husband if I’m the love of his life, he might crack some joke or say that we haven’t been married long enough to truly know. Take one look at my little Chihuahua, and you’ll know. I am the love of HIS life.
Pathetic, isn’t it?
Daughter #1: Mom! Seriously! Look at that dog! He’s just sitting there waiting for you to look at him. He’s patiently waiting for you to sit down on the bed with him so he can snuggle with you!
[on phone with boyfriend]: Dude, that dog LOVES my mom. Seriously. I mean, he worships her.
I wouldn’t be surprised if, during the day when we’re not home, he’s home building shrines to her.
[in the Taco Bell Chihuahua voice]: “Oh, Yo Quiero The Mommy! Ohhhhh!”
I guess I’ll take what I can get. :-)
On a completely unrelated note… I gave up the queen mother dirty word for Lent. I’ve already broken that promise twice… in less than 24 hours. Gah. What exactly is the penalty for that??
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I’m a bandwagon jumper, so I decided to do a Six Weird Things about me… although, I could probably post one of these every week. I’m just that weird.
Here’s the first installment--
1. I am a classic example of a study in contrasts. I am absolutely meticulous about my appearance. My hair has to be neatly done every day (no throwing it up in a pony tail or looking purposefully mussed), makeup perfectly applied, clothes steamed and wrinkle free, and accessories must be worn at all times. I feel naked without some kind of jewelry, and God forbid I leave the house without lipstick or lipgloss. *shudder*
However, with all that anal-retention about my appearance, you’d think my house would be neat as a pin. Ummmm… NO. Not hardly. My bedroom is a total disaster. It bothers me, but not enough to do much about it. Kitchen? Well, it’s clean enough. Dirty dishes don’t bother me if they’re in the sink for a day. Besides, that’s one of the kids’ chores, so I don’t usually clean too much in there. Clutter just doesn’t bother me to the point of having to clean non-stop. Sure, I get a wild hair every once in a while to tackle some major part of the clutter, but usually… not so much. If I had my wish, we’d have a live-in maid taking care of all that crap. Where’s
2. When I get nervous, I talk. And talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. A guy I dated once likened me to a little jumpy bird. I know that can be boring listening to someone go on and on… and I’m not purposefully trying to monopolize a conversation. Believe me… it’s not all about me. It’s just my nerves. So if you ever meet me in person, you’ll know. (right, -r-?) ;-) I don’t mean to be a bore, so just give me a cookie and tell me to shut up.
3. I have VERY eclectic tastes in music. In a previous job, I volunteered to be the driver to the local lunch spot. The guy who sat in my front seat started sifting through my CDs in the car. I warned him that I had really eclectic tastes, but he didn’t believe me. After going through all of them, he decided I was schizophrenic and looked at me a little funny from then on. What? Why can’t I like Sublime AND Manhattan Transfer? Who doesn’t have a hankering for a little Spin Doctors mixed with a smattering of Barry Manilow now and then? No? It’s just me? Well, I’m okay with that.
4. I can gargle air, pitchless, to the rhythm of Rossini’s William Tell Overture (aka the Lone Ranger theme song). I make the gargling sound with no tones, just glottal clicks (Are you trying it right now??). AND you can actually recognize what musical work it is I’m “performing.” It was a lot cooler when I was a kid. Now, it’s just creepy and weird.
5. I perceive myself as much bigger than I actually am. This has nothing to do with weight or a healthy body image. It’s about how I think I can literally kick people’s asses because I’m so tough. Sadly, not true. In college, a girl spilled beer on me at some party. I turned around to mutilate her, and my friends had to physically restrain me from making a huge mistake. This girl was well over 6 feet tall and quite muscle-y. I’m not even 5’4”—she could have squashed me like the little bug that I am. Apparently, this trait runs in the family. My aunt who stands 5 feet tall on her tippie-toes is the same way. We’re like wolverines… small, but ferocious. Our hatred keeps us warm.** ;-)
6. I’m a packrat to a fault (the Farm Boy would call that a major understatement). You would think I grew up in the Depression era or something (no, I did not). Plastic bags, paper bags, gift bags, shoe boxes, cardboard boxes, gift boxes… I can’t make myself throw that stuff away. I even like to hold on to packaging materials. Last night, I bought some lotion and other good smelly-stuff from Vickie S’s house. I bought a boxed set, because it was a better deal. Plus, the box is cute. I will never need that box. Right? Right??? But I couldn’t make myself throw it away. It’s stashed in a place where the Farm Boy won’t find it, because he would surely throw it away. And then where would I be??? I also didn’t throw away the big plastic bubbly packing stuff from a bag I bought – I’m sure I’ll need that someday, too.
I’m sure this “weird thing” relates greatly to the state of my house mentioned in point number one above… and it’s a sickness, I know.
*credited to comedian Steven Wright
**10 points to the first person who "gets" that.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
This means two things: a) I am actually seeing major results from the recent weight loss, and b) I am going shopping tonight for new pants. W00T!
Some guy at work even called me a "little cutie" today and noticed the weight loss. Usually, I would be totally creeped out by that, but it didn't bother me. Nope, not today!
2. A slower schedule at work and no obligations after work makes Grumpy less... ummm, grumpy.
3. The temperature is currently a balmy 42 degrees F.
In that midwest place where I live which is usually colder than a [fill in your choice of cold analogies here].
Tomorrow, it will reach the 50s.
I may wear shorts to work. (okay, not really)
4. I finally washed the Loser Cruiser after several weeks... in fact, I've actually lost track of the last time it was washed. It is now a shiny Loser Cruiser.
5. Did I mention I'm going shopping? Retail therapy always aids in elevating a day to non-suckage.**
So, there you have it. Please pray that my credit score doesn't take a hit after tonight.
*Yes, I know that "drawrs" are technically underwear. But when your pants/trousers are hanging on you so much that your butt disappears entirely from view... you can call them "drawrs." Really, you can. I have permission from a very high authority.
**Technically, there are 6 things that made this day not suck. But I'm a lady, and I don't share those things in my blog. :-)
Monday, February 19, 2007
So what is one to do at the end of such a sucky day?
Go to Chipotle, of course, and drown your sorrows with a yummy, veggie burrito... even if you're only going to eat half of it, because you're a little bitch who counts calories. Ah, but that just means I have the other half for lunch tomorrow. It's WIN-WIN all around! W00T!
There. I feel SOOOO much better!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
I hate stupid people. And by stupid, I mean those who choose NOT to use their brains. Stupid people are taking over the planet.
There's a really bad movie called Idiocracy, starring Luke Wilson. Mike Judge (Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill) wrote it, directed it, produced it, etc. The basic plot is Luke Wilson is in the US army, gets volunteered for a cryogenic-like experiment, and through some egregious oversight, is forgotten for 500 years.
When he is 'awakened,' the planet is overtaken with dumbasses. The theory here is that smart people choose not to procreate early in their lives, and then they just run out of time to have a family. The lesser intelligent folks are out polluting the gene pool with everyone under the sun. So, society 500 years later is dominated by complete idiots. I won't go into the details, because much of the movie was incredibly lame. HOWEVER, the whole plot is starting to make sense to me. I am beginning to think it's where society is headed. While watching this movie, I was glad I didn't waste money paying for it. Ever since then, I've been more and more convinced of Mike Judge's brilliance.
Example #1: The Farm Boy and I just returned from a short trip... we drove about 180 miles east of our city. On the drive out, we ran straight into the effects of the Alberta clipper that passed through. There were several winter storm watches and blowing snow advisories. You'd think people in the midwest would know how to handle weather like this. But NOOOOO*. On our way back this morning, we counted 58 vehicles in the ditches, in the grassy medians, and down steep embankments... all in about a 50 mile stretch. 58! And that didn't take into account all the cars that had already been towed out overnight. The basic mistake for most of them was speed, icy patches on the interstate, and sudden braking. We saw some of it happen. People who were in a hurry sped past us, only to have to slam on their brakes when they came upon the other twenty or so cars also going slowly to prevent accidents. Of the 58 cars, 32 were trucks or SUVs with four-wheel drive. Umm, hello? I know you feel all superior-like, but here's a bulletin for you: four-wheel drive does not stop you on ice. I'm not the only person on the planet with this enlightening information. Wake up, pull your head out of your arse, and drive carefully... before you kill someone. Thank you.
Example #2: My mother always taught me not to talk while there was food in my mouth. It's something I guess I take for granted... plus, it just makes sense. Apparently, Mr. Loud-Mouth Moron sitting in the seat directly behind me at the hockey game last night never had a mother who taught him this very important lesson.
I guess it's okay to yell at the refs while you have a mouthful of beer, and I guess it's okay if you happen to spray the nice lady in front of you in the back of the head. I guess it's also okay to call the other team (the one she's rooting for) a bunch of pansies whilst chowing down on cheap nachos. She won't mind that half-eaten nacho chip that so ever-so-delicately lands on her shoulder. And apparently when she turns around and gives you the biggest stink-eye ever seen from one human being to another, you are too stupid to understand why she is pissed. Luckily, her mother also taught her that she is too small to kick your ass... because, believe me. She had every intention to do so. Actually, you're lucky your little boy was there, because, even though she's too small to take you on, she would have taken the heel of her shoe and smashed your skull in. You know, your skull? That part of your noggin with NOTHING IN IT.
*I know some accidents happen in bad weather and are truly no one's fault... bad weather just happens sometimes. Last night was ridiculous, though. People were driving over 70 mph in that weather, weaving in and out of icy lanes with blowing snow and low visibility. That's just asking for something terrible to happen. Plus, it's just STUPID.
Friday, February 16, 2007
WHY #2: After watching Unwrapped on the Food Network the other night, I am even more incredulous as to why anyone would eat pork rinds. Do you know what these things are MADE of? Ewww! I kept waiting for Marc Summers to pour slime in Super Sloppy Double Dare fashion on the guys who were making them.
Oh, and if you add a comment that you love pork rinds, I don't think we can be friends anymore. (just kidding... we just can't talk about pork rinds EVER again)
WHY #3: Why do I have a feeling that some crazy legislator somewhere will propose some knee-jerk law against building snow caves? I'm just glad those kids were okay!
And that concludes today's Friday Why Files. And I'm outta here for the weekend! Happy Friday!!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I think I ate more calories last night in our Valentine’s Day dinner than I usually do in a week. But it was GOOD.
We stayed in last night, and I cooked dinner: filet mignon, lobster tails, twice-baked potatoes, green beans almondine, and chocolate cake. Oh, and we washed it all down with a big bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Très yummy. (No, I didn’t make it all from scratch.)
The Farm Boy got me an iPod alarm clock and a gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. He is a very, VERY good man. And I am very lucky. :-)
When I was a little girl, if I did something wrong, I was supposed to say, “I’m sorry.”
Grumpy’s Sister: “Mom! She hit me!”
Grumpy’s Mom: “Grumpy! Don’t hit your sister! Now apologize.”
Grumpy’s Mom: “If you don’t mean it, it doesn’t count.”
ME: [pretending to be sincere] “I’m really sorry.”
Grumpy’s Mom: “Much better. Now hug your sister.”
ME: “No way! I’m outta here!”
Then I got grounded.
My point is that my mother was right. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t make up for any of your wrongs unless you really mean it... and then take steps to SHOW you really mean it.
My point is that my mother was right. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t make up for any of your wrongs unless you really mean it... and then take steps to SHOW you really mean it.
Is anyone actually buying that they’re truly sorry???
... or WE need to start backing up what we believe with our loudest voices. That might be our money, and that might be our celebrity 'worship.' Either way, things won't get better until we makes ourselves heard.
End of rant. *self-righteously steps off her soap box*
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
1. A Valentine "Assortment of Romantic Cheeses in a Gift Box" by igourmet.com. Romantic cheeses? Don't get me wrong... I lovey the cheeses. Love, love, love. But ROMANTIC? What exactly makes a cheese romantic?
2. 32 oz Wolf Urine Lure. WTF? Is this high on most men's lists? Do that many people have problems with unwanted deer or other wolf prey that buying 32 ounces of wolf urine is a necessary purchase? And for Valentine's Day??? "Gee, thanks, Hon! It's just what I've always wanted!"
3. The Civil War: A Narrative, by Shelby Foote. A three-volume, hardcover set. I know I love nothing more than settling down together on a chilly Valentine's evening, snuggling next to the Farm Boy, reading aloud to each other the details of brutal, bloody battles. Good times!
4. The Kyjen Company Dog Agility Starter Kit. Okay, well, maybe your lover is also a dog-lover. Or maybe there's some interesting angle that works for humans that I don't know about. This could become a little kinkier than I'm willing to imagine. Or, maybe it's just a bad gift idea for Valentine's.
5. The Parmigiano Collection in a Gift Box. Seriously? Again with the CHEESE? Maybe combined with a few bottles of wine, I could buy that as a romantic gift. But the cheese standing alone? Is that really romantic?
6. World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. This is what you buy for your Valentine if you NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM/HER AGAIN. "Honey, are you coming to bed?" "Yep. Right after I finish this next level." Right. Plan on being celibate for a long time.
7. Couples Key Chains. Yes, I'll admit that this could be a romantic gift, and I do love Red Envelope. Truly, I do. At first, I was all "aww, that's sweet!" But then I looked at the structure of the key chain. How the pieces, together, form a heart. Separated-- similarly to the Best Friends necklace/keychain concept, the heart is divided in half. This particular shape doesn't even look like half a heart. The Farm Boy would think it was a beer bottle opener. Classy, huh? Umm... wait. Now that I think of it... maybe that's what I should have gotten him for Valentine's.
Happy Valentine's Day. :-)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
This is me today... dark circles were added (or at least I attempted to add them).
For some reason last night, I was unable to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. Then I would awaken, either in pain or completely restless, and toss around in bed for the next hour or so.
I feel like Al Pacino in Insomnia today... and Robin Williams is tap-dancing on my head, proving that even a funny guy can be a really scary guy in the right movie.
But at least I look like hell today. Gah.
I have NO clue what happened last night. I don't feel extremely anxious about anything, I don't think.
Oh, and the nightmares... the nightmares! I don't even want to recount them... they were that scary. One minor scene that I will share though was some guy I totally detest sitting next to me at a restaurant and telling me, "I love you. I really do. I really, really like you, too. I love you. Did you hear me? I love you." I woke up stifling a scream.
I didn't eat anything bad before bed... no spicy or extremely fatty foods. Just one scrambled egg, one English muffin with a little pumpkin butter, and a glass of milk. That was my dinner at 8:30. I was in bed by 10:30. Usually crazy food combinations don't even have an effect on my dreams... and even if they did, that dinner was far from being crazy. Right?
So, is my subconcious self trying to tell me something? Or does it just really, really hate me so much that it's messing with my precious, precious sleep?
Insomnia might be an inspiration to some, but not for me. It just makes me grumpy. GrumpIER. Like I need help with THAT!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
You can dog on George Lucas all you want for the goofy characters (yes, Jar-Jar, I'm looking at you), the not-so-great acting, the cheesy dialogue... I don't care. I love it all.
One of those movie cable stations that is known by three letters has been playing all six movies lately. I caught the last part of The Empire Strikes Back (my personal favorite of the six)yesterday, and then Return of the Jedi was on again this morning.
And blast that George Lucas... he's changed it AGAIN. A few years back, he remastered the original three movies, added a few new scenes, and asked John Williams to rescore a few scenes. So imagine my surprise this morning when I noticed that the very last scene had been changed yet again. I won't ruin it for those of you who want to watch it yourselves. But I did like this change. It makes more sense, and is even a little more of an emotional tug.
And no, I didn't get misty or anything while watching the end again. Nope. Not one bit. Uh-uh. Not me.
I know... I'm a huge nerd.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Yeah, I grab that guitar out of my backseat and strum along all the time I’m driving. Haha Oh, and when I was in college as a music major, my “instrument” was my voice. Does that mean I can’t SING while I drive?
Seriously though, I’ve posted many times about the government’s intrusion into matters such as these. I wholeheartedly agree that distracted driving has escalated into very dangerous territory. People who do not practice safe driving with cell phones are as dangerous as those who put on makeup, eat, drink coffee, etc. while driving. I think putting specific items into legislation is missing the point. Reckless driving is reckless driving. Having a carload of passengers can be just as or more distracting than taking a sip of water. I also know that my headset connected to my phone that I use while driving is no more distracting than the guy next to me with his bass thumping so loudly that my stomach starts to vibrate.
And IF legislation such as this is passed, what next? No allergens allowed in cars, because they could cause you to sneeze… and that’s distracting. No open windows, because bees could fly in and sting you while you’re driving… and that’s distracting.
WHY #2: Why have I never before had Pumpkin Butter? I already love apple butter with a passion… but have recently found pumpkin butter. Sweet heaven on earth! It’s delicious! On toast, on English muffins, on waffles or pancakes… yummy, yum, yum.
WHY #3: Why didn’t I know that panty hose for men was in such high demand? Creepy.
WHY #4: Why are we so mad on making examples out of kids, without looking at all the evidence? Be sure to read the entire article about the evidence and witness statements. [Houston Chronicle]
Doesn’t intent have any place in this world anymore? Couldn’t this kid have served an after school detention and then end the whole thing? Trust me. As an educator, I’m as strict as they come for those who break the rules. BUT. I also exercise my JUDGMENT as to whether the intent was malicious, the degree of the offense, etc. This borders on harassment, in my opinion. Poor kid.
WHY #5: Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? Oh, yeah. Asinine news articles.
WHY #5: Why am I so happy all of a sudden? Oh, yeah... a fun night out with friends at the local comedy shop. Should be a good time tonight!
This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Happy Friday!
*10 points to the first person to name this TV line reference.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Farm Boy needed printer paper, a filter for the furnace, and some packing tape. They were out of our filters. So, he got the printer paper and the tape.
I needed... a few other things.
At the checkout, the amount was just a bit over $200.
Or as Farm Boy
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
1) The Farm Boy is brilliant. Truly, he is. He's a successful business owner, and he started his business from the ground up. I'm extremely proud of him.
But that's what makes mornings like the one we had today so crazy. I went to the garage this morning and pushed the button on the remote to unlock the car doors. No problem. Well, except the lights inside the car always light up when the doors are unlocked. They didn't today. "How odd," I thought to myself.
Then I climbed into the driver's seat. "Hmmm... what is that strange-looking light on the dashboard? Isn't that usually the light that indicates no battery? Maybe I'd better try to start the car."
As I attempted to put my keys in the ignition, I noticed... something was already there. "Hey, those are the Farm Boy's keys! Why are they still in the car? And... why are they still in the on-but-not-running position? Oh, crap. He left the keys in the car last night and didn't turn the car all the way off. Brilliant."
So, no battery this morning. Gah. What's an intelligent Grumpy Frump to do? Make the Farm Boy come back and jump her car? You betcha!
So, the Farm Boy is a brilliant man who occasionally does some really bonehead things. I think I can live with that. ;-)
2) If you've been around a while, you know I hate Daylight Saving time... on or off. Changing the clocks just messes me up. So, what did I hear yesterday? Are you kidding me? We're changing the dates now? Puh-leeze. Oh, and my favorite part of this new idea is that the "change" could be temporary. We're going to do a study to see if it makes a positive impact. If not, we'll go back to the way it was before. Gah!!
For those of you who do not know, in the US (well, most of us anyway), we will now be springing ahead the second Sunday in March and falling back on the first Sunday of November... effective times 2am both dates.
I now know this was signed into effect two years ago with the Energy Policy Act and all that... but how did I miss this very important part of it? (important to me, of course)
3) Could somebody please explain to me what the fascination is with "Fast & the Furious"-pimping of crappy little 4-door sedans?
There's a guy who works in the same office building I do... he walks into the office every day carrying his steering wheel. It's a fairly expensive brand, and he's afraid someone will break into his car and steal it. Having not seen his car, I assumed the car was somewhat expensive as well. Well, maybe not so much. I saw him pull in the other morning...
...in a very crappy, little white car that rhymes with Shonda Bivic, circa 1990. Kind of like this one.
With a spoiler.
And some type of backbox on the muffler. When he drives, it sounds like a little dirt bike with the sniffles.
Photo credit: epinions.com
Friday, February 02, 2007
WHY #2: Why did I agree to chaperone 100 high school kids on a 6 hour drive? (because I'm stupid)
WHY #3: Why is the NFL such a big bully? I understand copyright laws pretty extensively because of my field of expertise, but come on! And this law? "...the NFL objected to the church's plans to use a projector to show the game, saying the law limits it to one TV no bigger than 55 inches." Sorry, honey. You can't get that 62" big screen to watch football. The NFL cops will come after you.
And that concludes today's Friday Why Files... gotta go finish packing!