Saturday, December 30, 2006

What's Been Going On...

Whew! For all the preparation that goes into the holidays, it certainly flies by quickly. Here are a few highlights:

1. My Farm Boy rocks. I've been saving up for a Nikon D70... and he goes and buys me one for Christmas. I was stunned. As in... I couldn't even speak, and I almost cried. Seriously. Mucho MUCHO brownie points for the Farm Boy. :-)

2. Spent a lot of time with the kiddies. Shopping before and after the holidays is always a trial with teenagers, but we've had some good times. They were all pretty happy with their gifts, too. It's amazing to see them grow up... going from shrieking with happiness over the toys they receive to shrieking with happiness over new clothes and other non-toy like things.

3. Family Game night with the extended family-- lots of fun. Someone always gets a new game for Christmas (or two or three new games), so we have to play all of them the day after Christmas. We even brought out a few oldies but goodies. Officially, we love Mad Gab, Trivial Pursuit 80s version, and still adore Balderdash. We're pretty much nerds, I know.

4. Oh, and I almost forgot... I'm addicted to Mystery Case Files: Ravenhearst Manor. I played that game for 4 hours straight one night, and then finished up the last part of the game the next morning. I'm so anal... I can't quit until I win the game.

5. I've lost a total of 10 lbs since Thanksgiving. Today, I tried on a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to wear for about 2 years. That was a really great feeling! Only 10 more pounds to go! Woot!!!

6. Farm Boy and I went to Chipotle last night for dinner at 9:59 (they close at 10:00). Got a "Grumpy Lite Veggie Burrito" (half the rice, a drip of sour cream, and a sprinkle of cheese). What could be better? Oh yeah... a FREE burrito. Apparently, the order that was made right in front of ours was an employee's dinner. He added our dinner to his ticket and said, "Thanks. Come again!" I had a picture of it, too, but Blogger's being a butthead and only allowing me to upload one photo. Gah. I might have to switch to the new one.

7. No one has called me "Ma'am" this whole holiday break. Stay tuned for the t-shirt, btw. I'm just getting the design kinks worked out... it will be available soon!

Hope you all had a nice holiday!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas...

... I'll be out for a few days celebrating with the family.

Friday, December 22, 2006

A Very Merry Friday Why Files…

WHY #1: Why is the week before a vacation always the longest week of the year???

WHY #2: Why don’t these two have more worthwhile things to do than trade insults?

WHY #3: Why are some people so dumb? Read this year’s list of unanswered Explainer questions at My personal favorites:

“Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.”

And... “i need more money.....what business can i start that will not take a lot of time...i have internet access daily...........and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm..............”

WHY #4: Why didn’t the news team include a picture of this? I think the story merited at least one good photo.

Pac-Man is back… gobbling up dots on Highway 55”, courtesy of Canada’s CBC news.

WHY #5: Are designer eye frames a big hit on the black market or something? If not, why would this guy try to steal $3000 worth of designer frames? From an eyeglass store across the street from a police station? Oh, yeah… the owner is a karate instructor, and his assistant is a body builder.

WHY #6: (added after the initial post) Why, oh, why do I want to stab hot, searing pokers into my eyes and take a drill to my temporal lobe every time that horrible Jessican Simpson (J-Simp)/Daisy-Duke-wannabe HDTV commercial invades my television? Good GOD, make it stop!!

And while we're on the subject... how can someone who is originally from the South have such a god-awful southern accent? I know her real accent is supposed to be a Texas accent (which, supposedly is her native speak), and the "Daisy" accent is supposed to be from Georgia, but COME ON! Please oh please oh please make her just go away.

And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

What's My Name Again????

Last night, while sitting under the dryer (getting my hair done), a woman comes over to me and says,

“Excuse me, ma’am, are you reading this magazine?” [she points at the magazine sitting on the seat next to me] *


For those of you who are new here… I’ll repeat it with emphasis:

“Excuse me, ma’am, are you reading this magazine?”

That’s it. It’s official. After New Year’s, you will be able to find a "Don’t Call Me Ma’am" t-shirt exclusive. I'll post all the details as soon as it's ready.

*double grrr*

*btw, she was at least 10 years older than I am. And I know she's a stranger and most likely hasn't ever read my blog... but I just detest that word!!

Monday, December 18, 2006

And Our Survey Says...

I saw this teaser line on some news site: "Are gift cards cheating?"

I think not. I think most DEFINITELY not.

Case in point...

I know my sister-in-law shops at a certain store all the time. In fact, I'd bet that a good majority of her paycheck is earmarked for this store... not judging, it's just a fact. So, when it came time this year to buy one of her Christmas presents, I knew exactly what I was going to get her. A gift card from that store. She'll LOVE it. *

Because of the type of store it is, I would never think about going to buy her something there. First of all, it's not my bag, baby, so I wouldn't have the first clue. Secondly, even if it was my bag, I still wouldn't be entirely sure of what she needs. Therefore, the gift card rules.

That's one case where gift cards are a thing of true beauty.

Another is -- and this is not going to be grammatically correct, but I just don't care-- those people who are hard to buy for.

You know who they are. You think, and you think, and you think... until you are all thunk out. It's not that they are strange, obtuse little creatures with bizarro tastes... they're just hard to buy for. They're not even difficult to please... they're just hard to buy for! Either you pick something out for them and they already have it, or their tastes are so extremely opposite of yours that you risk making a very bad purchase. I know, I know... it's the thought that counts, right? So... why not make that thought a gift card?

Some people don't like to give gift cards, because then the gift card recipient "knows exactly how much you spent." So what. If you're worried about that, tack another five bucks onto the thing and be done with it. ;-) I am typically a bargain shopper, and I can find great buys on presents that should cost me a fortune but really don't. When that's the case, I'll buy the gift. If not, Uncle So-and-So is going to know that I only spend about $40 on him for Christmas.

The other advantage to gift cards: the clothes always fit. No returns, because you get the sizes you need! You know the relative that always wants to buy you clothes for Christmas? (Personally, I love this relative and wish he/she would move in and buy me clothes every day) This wonderful, thoughtful person who might even have really good "clothes taste" and might buy you exactly what you wanted? Yeah, that person really has no idea what size you wear. And if you're unfortunate enough to be a woman, that person might know your size at one store, but not at that store. Or that store. Or even that other store. (Okay, so that's a topic for another post someday.)

But I digress...

What I want to know is what you think about gift cards. As you can tell, I actually quite prefer them in some cases. Some people may think them impersonal, but I tend to believe that sometimes MORE thought goes into the gift card than most people think. That's my story anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

*Yeah, so I'm 99.9% sure she doesn't read the blog... otherwise, she's TOTALLY gonna know what I got her for Christmas. :-) **

**Ummm... like... yeah... I gotta stop hanging out with my kids, because I'm even blogspeaking like them. Gah!

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Please Explain This to Me Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: WHY can't I post comments on many of your blogs? I think if you've switched your accounts over, I can't comment anymore. And I really do have charming comments for you. Well, semi-charming at least.

WHY #2: WHY can't I switch MY blog over to the new version?? It tells me I can. So, I go through all the motions, and then it tells me I can't. It says my blog might be too big? Really? I only have 266 posts. That's NOT a big blog. Puh-leeze.

WHY #3: WHY are the people in my city so mean, rude, and downright horrible during the holiday season? This is supposed to be a time of peace, love, and joy... and I've been cut off and/or tailgated by more rude drivers, nearly knocked over in a store by some biatch on a cell phone, had bad service with unpleasant-at-best servers at restaurants... more than at any other time of year. Happy Frickin' Holidays to you, too.... jerkfaces! I know people are stressed, but come on. Show a little kindness to your fellow neighbors, please.

WHY #4: Why is this story about a man saving dolphins with his super-sized long arms the most heart-warming thing I've heard all day?

WHY #5: Why... ummm... oh, just "why?" I might have to start a "Stupid Dumbasses" regular post just for people like this.

And that's concludes this week's Friday Why Files... this feature may or may not be back on a regular basis.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Can't Leave the Whiney/Whingey Post at the Top!

I'll leave you with a few random thoughts to ponder... I can't leave that whining mess at the top of my blog for too many days! ;-)

1. Yet again, there is a "movement" to pass some sort of legislation to impose restrictions on driving with cell phones.

Let me take a minute to say that I agree that "distracted driving" is definitely a problem. However, I do NOT think that government intrusion into my driving is going to solve the problem. If we ban cell phone use while driving, then we must also ban eating, drinking, smoking, listening to music, driving with passengers, spilling anything in the car, the possibility that bees might fly into the car and sting you while you drive (it happened to me once)... do you see where I'm going with this?

ANYTHING can be a distraction. I know someone who was killed because a grandma turned her head around for a split-second to ask her grandson a question. No cell phone involved. Just bad judgment.

I am just as frustrated as anyone else at the boneheads who can't seem to drive and talk on their phones simultaneously... but these are probably the people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time. Or sing and clap in rhythm. Or pat their heads while rubbing their tummies. Yes, driving distracted can be the same as a .08 blood alcohol level. Taking antihistamines before driving can also have a similar effect. Driving while sleepy... same deal. Can't we just do a better job of enforcing stiff penalties on reckless driving?

2. On to a cheerier thought... when I was a kid, I used to have a Disney album that was all original recordings from the movies. The songs ranged from the earliest Disney creations (aka Snow White warbling in some octave only dogs can hear to Someday My Prince Will Come) to Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, Bedknobs and Broomsticks... I think up through movies in the 70s. My sister and I used to play that album on an old turntable console that took up half our bedroom. I LOVED that album!!! Some of my favorite songs were on that record: Stay Awake, The Bare Necessities, The Age of Not Believing... and do you think I could find it on CD? Nope. It's all Disney hip hop now. Bah. I would have to buy the soundtrack from every movie to make my own compilation. I can't even find all the older songs on iTunes or any other digital music store. My kids have huge, supposedly all-encompassing Disney 6-CD set, but it doesn't have all the same songs. wah.

3. I've lost 6 lbs since Thanksgiving! Woot! Double woot! Clothes are already starting to fit better... and if I'm lucky, I'll be out of my fat clothes entirely by the end of January. *crossing fingers* ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

I have to go shop now. Bah humbug. just kidding

Monday, December 11, 2006

So, where was that Calgon again???

This has been my weekly pattern for the last few weeks...

Monday: Work
Monday evening: Work late, run to an appointment, help with a school activity. Get home around 9 or 10.

Tuesday: Work
Tuesday evening: Run kids somewhere or go to kids' activities.

Wednesday: Work
Wednesday evening: Run kid to confirmation, attend activities.

Thursday: Work
Thursday evening: Run kids somewhere or go to kids' activities.

Friday: Work
Friday evening: Run kids around town to performances or to hang out with their friends OR go to hockey game.

Saturday: Crash all day long from exhaustion.
Saturday night: if possible, hang out with the Farm Boy.

Sunday: Try to cram everything into one day that should have been accomplished over the weekend.

Next month, the schedule will stay about the same, plus I'll be adding a grad class on Monday nights.

I think I need a break.

Friday, December 08, 2006

A Christmas Letter I'd Like to Read...

julie_gong commented in my last post, regarding the fact that I will be writing a Christmas letter to send to family and friends. She and her family love reading those letters aloud with the main purpose of getting a good laugh at them. And I agree with her... these days, many Christmas letters are lame excuses to brag up your [job, accomplishments, kids, possessions] to the point that the recipient gradually begins to either a) feel inadequate, or b) call bullshit. (what?!? is this a swearing blog?!?)

I promise I will not be that Christmas-letter-writer-er. (it felt like it needed another "er")

So, why do people use the Christmas letter to tell us how amazing their lives are? Why can't they be more realistic? Sure, brag up your kids, etc. ... but then tell the truth, too.

Here's one I'd like to think is lingering out there somewhere:

Greetings from the Smith Family!

Hope the year has been good to you! I sure know it has been absolutely AMAZING for us!

Emma was the homecoming queen this year. She has a perfect grade point average in high school, is first in her class, and she will have a full ride to Harvard next year. Everyone just loves her! Jacob is on the champion club soccer team this year, and the girls in his class literally swoon every time he walks by. He's just getting so handsome! Everyone's SO jealous of our wonderful, fantastic children. Of course, there was that slight issue with the arrest, and the other problem with the positive reading on the EPT test, but we've moved on from that now.

Mother has moved in with us recently. We truly feel that our children will benefit from the intergenerational experience. She's also doing ever so much better since the attempted murder charges were dropped. Luckily, Dad doesn't hold a grudge for too long. Oh! And his gunshot wounds are healing nicely! He should be out of the hospital and back to his favorite cabin in no time. Good thing Mother isn't really a good shot.

My doctors are still trying to diagnose my symptoms. They're just not really sure what's wrong. My symptoms generally range from inappropriate happiness to bulging eyes, and occasionally, loss of contact with reality. But I know they'll figure something out soon! Meanwhile, the grapefruit diet is REALLY doing the trick!*

Anyhoo... that's all from us. We want to wish you a Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzaaKuh and a Happy New Year!

With Love, Kathy, Emma, Jacob, Grandma Ruth, Rags the Dog, Bananas the Kitty, Mr. Stripey the Fish, Lego the Lizard, and Nellie the Alpaca Smith

Now THAT'S a good holiday letter!

*This is my shout-out to maliavale and one of my favorite posts of all time. :-)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

She's Making A Checklist... Checking It Twice...

Christmas Tasks

1. Gift Purchases:

a) Out-of-town Family-- YES, 4 out of 5 gifts ordered online (that's pretty good... all will be delivered by Christmas).

b) In-town Family-- YES, but only 2 out of 20 people are done (eek).

2. House Decorated: NOT YET, in fact there are still a few little pumpkin decorations hanging out in the living room. Wha???

3. Christmas tree purchased? NOT YET.

4. Cookies Baked? NONE (debating whether to bake "Christmas Poo" cookies again this year...) *

5. Holiday Letter mailed? NOPE, not even written yet.

6. Family Photo to send with Holiday Letter? Ummm... NO. For that to happen, we'd have to find a time when all six of us are together at one time. I might have to draw a picture... good thing I have some mad MS Paint skillz.

7. Presents wrapped? NO. See #1 above. Actually, the 4 presents I purchased online will be wrapped before shipping, so technically-- YES, but only 4.

So, yeah... I'm feeling rather confident that, even though I'll be working until at least 4:00pm on Friday, December 22... and even though we are busy every weeknight and weekend between now and Christmas, I'll be able to get this all done before Christmas.

Sure. No problem. And I'm also pretty sure there's a pretty little magical fairy who's going to ride into my bedroom tonight on a pretty little prancing unicorn to give me Samantha Stephens' (yes, from Bewitched) witch powers. I'll just twitch my nose, and everything will be done! *twinkle twinkle twink!*

*To date, the highest percentage of visits I get to this blog are from people looking for pictures of that "scatalogical counterpart to Santa Claus" (thank you, Wikipedia!) from South Park. I don't like adding his name in my posts, because the hits just grow and grow. Poor kids are so disappointed when they find me! ;-)

Monday, December 04, 2006

Typical Conversations around the Grumpy Household...

GrumpyFrump: OhmyGOD, your feet smell horrific!

FarmBoy: I don't love you anymore. In fact, I never loved you. Our marriage is a farce.

GF: Shut up. Nobody likes you.

FB: And then there's you who wants to lose 800 lbs...

GF: So you're saying I'm 800 lbs overweight?!?!? Maybe you should brush your teeth more often so your breath doesn't smell like rotten broccoli when you roll over and breathe in my face at night.

FB: You're stupid.

GF: No, YOU'RE stupid.

Can you feel the love (and also the incredible wit and intelligence)? Our 4th anniversary is in January, and I tell you... it doesn't get any better than this. Marriage is BLISS.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I Don't Want to be SMELLY no more!

Maliavale's recent post about deodorant got me thinking...

Do you think it's possible to build up a tolerance to deodorant/anti-perspirant? You know how, if you take too much Tylenol or Advil over a period of time, you will become more tolerant of the drug, thereby rendering it ineffective... right? Can that happen with deodorant? 'Cause I think I'm there. Either that, or my old-age-hormonal-changes are making me a sweaty, stinky chick.

I've been through the kind that rhymes with "Shove"-- although their 'real women' commercials are great, I'm not so sure that real women can actually depend on that stuff. I've been through the "Confidential" brand, too. Hate their commercials, and their product loses its effectiveness in about 30 minutes. So I went a little higher up on the deodorant food chain and tried that one about Temperature. It's supposed to be "body responsive." Yeah, right.

And Maliavale is right... depending upon the type of fabric I'm going to wear, I choose a different deodorant. Synthetic blends are just bad news! Nothing works with that stuff.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm not doing it right. Maybe I'm putting on too MUCH, and it's making things worse. Or maybe... I'm just stinky. I don't like that option. I'm going to try one more brand* (highly recommended) before I go all Matthew McConnaughey-I'm-stinky-but-I-don't-give-a-damn.

*I know I could go have my pits Botoxed, but that is just not an option. I'll go all stinky before I inject poison anywhere in my body.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

My Coffee Date with -R- and her hubby, -H-

Click the picture to view a larger strip.

I had a very nice time talking with -R- and her hubby, -H-! They had some great stories, and they even suffered through the pictures of my kids (hey, I'm a mom, remember!). This was my first-ever-bloggy-friend-meeting, and I'm so glad I could spend it with these two fabulous people!

Hopefully, there will be a "next time," and I might even convince the Farm Boy to join us. Maybe we'll just plan our own midwest Bloggy conference and party it up. Who knows.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Post-Thanksgiving Observations...

1. Eating in moderation at your Thanksgiving dinner only does you good if you eat in moderation for the remainder of the week. If, per chance, you eat buttered popcorn at the movies on Thanksgiving evening, and more popcorn again Friday... and then make poor food choices Saturday and Sunday... you are going to feel like you stuffed yourself worse than a Turducken. Bad news.

2. I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. We should get two weeks of for Thanksgiving.

3. -R- and her husband H are very cool people! :-) Since no cameras were allowed at our coffee Friday morning, I shall have to work up a comic-strip rendering later this week.

4. I am so not in the mood for Christmas music yet. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE Christmas! I'm just not ready for FOUR local radio stations to dedicate their entire programming to 24-7 Christmas tunes already. Sheesh. It's still November!

5. I have continued my tradition of staying the heck out of the stores on Black Friday. Those 5am-er shoppers are nutso. Besides, when I have a day off, there's no way in HELL I'm getting out of bed before 8am.

6. Our extended family has a tradition of going to a movie on Thanksgiving night. We've seen some really good movies each time, so it's something I actually look forward to seeing. This year, we watched The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. I was NOT looking forward to this movie. Fifteen minutes into the movie, I fell asleep (thankfully). I woke up for the last 10 minutes. I think it was worth my eight bucks for the naptime... the movie? Not so much.

7. Unlike many other sports, no one in hockey seems the least bit concerned with blood stains on the ice. In every other sport, some dude with rubber gloves is all over it with the bleach and the biohazard-emergency-attitude. In hockey, the bleeder just skates off the ice, and they play on. It does make for some very interesting art-like patterns on the ice, though.

That's about it, I think. I'll probably be on a liquid diet for the next two days to hopefully undo some of the damage I inflicted on my system. And it's back to the grindstone until my next holiday vacation. Gah.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is Goofy Gobbles. He wants to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! (actually, I just want to show off my mad MS Paint skillz, but shh! don't tell!)

I'm thankful for:

1. My family- the Farm Boy, our children, and extended families

2. A roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, and food to keep me from being hungry

3. My Bloggy friends

4. the fact that the majority of the things I rant about on this blog are truly "trivial," and that when stepping back, I know that I live a very good life

Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. I'm going to watch a little bit of the parade, and then we'll go spend time with the extended family and stuff ourselves silly. By the end of the day, I'll probably look like Goofy Gobbles.

Happy Thanksgiving! (and happy Wednesday to all of you outside the US)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Hey, You All...

There are many things I love about living nearly smack dab in the middle of this country… probably enough to fill an entire post. But there are some things that I definitely wish were different.

One of those wishes is completely ridiculous, but it’s still MY wish. I wish I had an accent. I’m not sure exactly WHICH accent I’d want, but anything would be better than my plain, flat, midwest-not-really-there accent.

Some companies like this flat non-accent so much, they base their telemarketing divisions here. I live in what very well may be the telemarketing capital of the world because of this fact. Big deal. So what? People can understand me… and, sometimes, that’s not necessarily to my advantage. *ahem*

The other disadvantage to my absence of accent is I’m very susceptible to other people’s accents. If you’re from the southern US, and you speak to me for a period of more than 5 seconds, I will immediately and most subconsciously adopt your accent. I’m not making fun of you… I promise! I can’t help it… it just happens.

I spent two weeks in Great Britain once… about a week in England and another week in Scotland. Oh, that was a FUN TRIP!!! Nearly every day, I had a new accent! The Queen’s English Proper, Cockney, Liverpoolian, Scottish brogue… I tell you, I was in heaven! (I know these aren't the actual terms for these accents. They're my terms. And this is my blog. Live with it.)

Traveling to the east and west coasts of the US is always interesting for me. I rarely pick up on a thick Brooklyn accent, although I find it absolutely fascinating. New England vowels form very easily for me, though, as do the surfer-speak and valley-speak of certain parts of the west coast.

Oh, and all you Aussies… LOVE IT. I can’t fake the way you speak, but I’m sure if I spent much time there, I would pick it up immediately. The Farm Boy agreed that our next cruise will be heading that way, so I’m most optimistic!

The odd part about where I live is that, if you drive 50 minutes south of my home, you’ll hear the southern accent start to pick up a little. My ex-husband, who was from the southern part of our state, couldn’t say “chicken” in less than three syllables. Travel about 50 minutes north, and folks get a little more Scandinavian with every vowel, don’t you know… you betcha!

So that’s it. I’m a boring articulator. But know that, if we ever meet in person, you’ll understand every word I say… and I might unknowingly steal your accent.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

4 Pairs of Shears, Two Types of Clippers, Two Razors, and a LOT of Red Flags...

The Farm Boy has needed a hair cut for months. Not weeks... months. I finally convinced him today that he couldn't put it off any longer. It wasn't too terribly long-- he didn't look like he had skater hair or anything, but it was long for him. He doesn't go to the same stylist I do; he'd rather walk into a mall, see who has an opening, and take his chances. Usually, it works out okay.

Today... not so much. To be honest, the cut is actually good. It's really short, and it looks nice. But the experience is the one thing I knew I'd be posting about, and oddly enough, so did he.

We walked into the salon, asked for whoever was available, and were told it would be about 15 minutes. No problem. We walked around the mall a little bit, took a quick side trip into Vickie's Confidential Information, and arrived back at the salon in just under 15 minutes. We sat down. In the meantime, the Farm Boy told me that it was imperative I come with him and sit nearby, because he hates the kind of small talk that most hair stylists have with new or unfamiliar clients. No problem... I like to do that anyway, because then I can tell the stylist what I want for him. ;-)

About 5 minutes later, the stylist comes over to us and tells us it's going to be just a few minutes longer. She's a little weird and mysterious about it... I can't explain exactly why. She doesn't look strange, other than I'm pretty sure that shade of red lipstick takes turpentine to remove. But no big deal, right? Or is this a red flag?

Because I'm a people-watcher, she immediately strikes me as someone to observe. I watch her go back to her chair, and she asks the client in the chair to stand up. This girl's cut looks really good, but the stylist is fussing over little stray hairs.... looking very determined. She fluffs and fluffs, and then switches the part and cuts some more. Fluffs again, and switches the part again. Cut, cut, cut. Okay, so either she's really detail-oriented, or maybe she has a fussy customer. 15 minutes later (we've now waited 30 minutes total), she finishes with this client and is ready for the Farm Boy. She then spends another 5 minutes with the first customer going over the bill. We'll call this Red Flag #2.

So we walk back to her chair. And I notice she's a bit of a fussbudget. And maybe a little bit flighty. And maybe a little skittish. She keeps talking and flitting about without really saying anything or doing anything productive. Oh, boy... the Farm Boy is going to hate this. Red Flag #3.

She asks about his hair, how he wants it, and what she should do. That takes me literally 15 seconds to explain. (A little background information... he was once a military man, and he likes his hair short. It's really easy to explain what he wants, and every stylist we've ever had has been able to listen and do exactly what he wants with no problems whatsoever)

She takes him back to shampoo, and I stay in the chair. When they come back, she's giving him advice on Nioxin (yikes... he's going to be thrilled with that) and he's giving me THE LOOK. I find out later that she explained every detail to him as she was shampooing. "Now, Farm Boy, what I'm using is a peppermint shampoo." He tells me later that, apparently, the strong, pepperminty aroma wasn't enough to give that away.

She straps on a cute little holster bag with all her shears, razors, etc. I think that's pretty cool, because she seems a little absent-minded. Unfortunately, I'm right, because she keeps using some shears and then setting them on her counter... only to forget a minute later where she's put them. She wrestles with the mass of cords that is the result of curling irons, straighteners, hair dryerS, and three different types of clippers. Red Flags #4 and 5. She proceeds to use 4 different types of shears and two different clippers on him. Oh, and two different razors. Red Flags are flying all over the place!

Okay, I have to figure out how to summarize the description.... there's just too much to tell. She keeps stopping to scrutinize her work, then she finds some little stray miniscule hair somewhere, and out come the shears again. One time, she asks him if he'd like her to trim his eyebrows... and his eyebrows really aren't a problem. The Farm Boy is a good-looking guy, but a metrosexual he is not. He arrived at the mall in a leather jacket, Poker t-shirt, jeans, and brown shoes with WHITE socks (he doesn't always listen to my fashion advice). Anyone who looked twice at him would know this. She clips the brows anyway.

Let's just wrap it up with this: usually, a stylist takes the clippers to him, finishes up with some shaping (using a clipper guard) and a normal set of shears, and voila! Done in 10 minutes. 15 minutes if it's been a few months between cuts.

Today... my husband was in the chair for over 45 MINUTES. MY hair cuts WITH STYLING don't even take 45 minutes, and I have a lot more hair! Every time I thought they were finished, she'd swing him around in the chair in some hurried fashion and then obsess over some other part of his head. And each time he was facing me, his eyes would plead for me to save him. THE LOOK. Oh, and there's THE LOOK again. I had to bite my tongue just to stop from laughing my ass off.

The minute we left the salon, I lost it. I couldn't help from laughing. He just said, "Oh. My. God. That was EXACTLY what I wanted to avoid. What a psycho!" He kept going on and on about it, and I laughed all the way out to the car.

In her defense, I'm sure she's in that 'artiste' mode, and she really is pretty good, albeitSLOOOOOOWWW, at what she does. I've seen painters fuss over a piece they just can't get right. I've done the same thing with some of my cooking experiments when I can't exactly get the right flavor. I've even seen some stylists do this with MY hair. However, I think you need to read your customers and know who needs the fussing and who doesn't. Four other guys came into the same salon today to a different stylist... and were in and out in the time it took this one woman to cut the Farm Boy's hair. And as uncomfortable as it was for him, it was extremely entertaining for me. I wish I would have had my camera with me. ;-) So, Farm Boy... lesson learned? Find a barber, and make appointments. Walk-Ins may be welcome, but you pay the price. haha

I can't really do this post justice... this woman was something to be experienced. She defies written description and explanation. I'm not even sure I should post it, because it doesn't read as "funny" as it actually was.

Friday, November 17, 2006

A "Looks Like I'm Batchin' It Tonight" Friday Why Files

WHY #1: Why did I lie down last night at 8pm only to awaken at 3:30am? Wow. That was some heavy sleepin'! Farm Boy is out of town, so I guess that's okay.

WHY #2: Why don’t people listen to me when I tell them things? Honestly… if I had a nickel for every time someone has said, “I wish I had listened to you in the first place”… I’d probably have a bajillion, kajillion nickels. (and since those are made up numbers, I have no clue how to convert them to US dollars). When are people going to realize that I KNOW stuff?!?!? Gah. Incidentally, I don’t know everything, but I do know quite a lot of stuff. Seriously. Believe me, because later on, you’ll wish that you had. ;-)

WHY #3: Why would I want a “pan, a comb, and perhaps a cat?” I’m allergic to cats, but that one I can understand. The other two, though? Huh? What if I want a brush instead? And the pan? Does that mean I’m expected to cook? Puh. Leeze.

WHY #4: I know it’s a tradition, not anything new, and I’m not really asking WHY they make it... what I want to know is WHY do people actually DRINK this stuff?

The dessert sodas… sure. Great. But Turkey and Gravy soda? Pea soup soda? Excuse me. I may go retch now.

WHY #5: Why can’t we sue parents for being interminably stupid? And why do I have a sinking feeling that they’ll probably win in court anyway?

Parents sue Starbucks over child's burns (

Hmmm… it was hot chocolate. HOT chocolate. Not LUKEWARM chocolate. Nor was it TEPID chocolate.

Personally, when I go through a drive-thru and order a hot drink, I put it in the cup holder until it’s no longer nuclear. Never, and I repeat NEVER, would I pass along a hot cup of anything to a child. Period.

We must stop rewarding the morons with big settlements won in frivolous lawsuits. However, if you think about it, most often they are decided by a jury of their peers. Their peers are probably morons, too.

Don’t you wish Common Sense came in a pill? Ah, but I digress…

This concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Happy Friday!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

It's a Vicious Cycle, I tell ya...


1. Get sick. Sleep constantly. Lose all energy and desire to be active.
2. Get misdiagnosed as depressed.
3. For one month, take antidepressants that make you so jazzed that your heart beats out of control, you can't swallow, and you can't stop shaking your legs.
4. Get prescription changed... now, all you do is sleep, sleep, sleep... even more than before diagnosis.
5. Stay on those antidepressants for 6 months.
6. Complain to doctor that you're getting worse, not better.
7. Go through multiple blood tests, sleep studies, blah, blah, blah to find out what is wrong with you. No answer. It's now been almost two years since first symptoms, and you sleep more than tree sloths. Oh, and you've gained nearly 10 lbs.
8. Switch doctors.
9. Finally get diagnosed correctly.
10. New doctor prescribes steroid treatment.
11. Gain 10 more lbs.
12. Finally have surgery, et voila! You're cured.
13. However, you're 20 lbs overweight, and your body hates you.
14. Try working out again.
15. Your back screams obscenities at you and refuses to function properly.
16. Doctor prescribes physical therapy,
17. Attend regular PT sessions for about 6 months and notice that some of the weight is even coming off.
18. PT Works! Hallelujah!
19. Start working out slowly again.
20. Increase working out steadily.
21. Your back starts its old habits again... and its swearing would make sailors blush.
22. Back goes out.
23. Spend the whole day in bed.
24. Back REALLY hurts now, and you're tired all over again.
25. Hope to hell you only have to go back to step 16.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The One Where She Jumps on Her Giant Soapbox...

Hi. I made it through November 11th (for this year anyway). I didn't disappear into some super-phantasmagorical realm or something to that effect. How do I feel about it? It wasn't really that big of a deal, now that I have the benefit of hindsight.

Worrying over something so trivial got me really thinking over the weekend: I'm scared. I'm really, REALLY scared. There are days when I feel like people are messed up to the point where we/they can no longer be straightened out.

In the past month, I listened to a bunch of people run campaigns about getting back to "values," and then proceed to spend millions of dollars to run someone else's name through the mud.

I've listened to too many news reports about the who/what/where of Tomas Crazy and his hypnotized/mind-melded fiancee's wedding; who will sing, how much her dress will cost, blah, blah, blah.

I've silently cheered at a young woman's choice to divorce the trashy, flea-bitten parasite whom she should never have married in the first place... only to then be blackmailed by same parasite if she doesn't give him more money. And I don't even like HER.

I've seen all those steps that women like Gloria Steinem paved for young women -- to be taken seriously, to be seen as human beings and not objects-- flushed down the toilet, because it's ever so much better to be sexy and act like a bimbo.

I've read tons of blogs about people obsessed with celebrities, obsessed with themselves, obsessed with ANYTHING that makes you feel good, no matter what the human cost.

And I have to be honest... I'm really distressed (quelle surprise). I worry about my kids and what they'll have to endure. I worry that NOBODY ELSE worries about what really matters anymore.

Yeah, sure... I freaked out about a number. A little bit. When it came right down to it, it wasn't on my priority thought list. It was a funny, little freaky thing that was more entertaining than upsetting.

I'm a lot more freaked out about where we'll be in a couple of years if all our country can do is to pit red states vs blue states... or push the blame for society's ills on to the "Scapegoat of the Year" .... or God forbid... allow Jessica Simpson to make another movie.

What I wish for... what I truly want... is for people to reflect upon what really matters. give a little break to that idiot who just cut you off in traffic, who maybe isn't the arsehole you think she is... maybe she's not there to make your life difficult. Maybe her life is hard, too. consider donating to or working at a safe house or soup kitchen... instead of griping that you have to serve both turkey AND ham at Thanksgiving this year to appease everyone. stop making everything out to be a conspiracy and find a way to work together toward a common goal. smile at that punk kid who skateboards over your lawn, because you might be the only person who shows him any sign of kindness today. And because you wouldn't want to live in his house.

We don't have to come together and sing Kum Ba Ya... but we do need to figure this out. Little things could make such a difference. So, why don't we do them?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Wasn't in Portland and I Wasn't In Heaven...

I’m not a superstitious person by nature. Black cat crossing my path? Pshaw. No big deal. Spilled salt? No, I’m not going to toss it over my shoulder… I’m more concerned for the poor schlump sitting behind me who might get salt in his eye if I do. I do believe in ghosts, but I’ve never seen one (as much as I love Ghost Hunters, I personally do not want a head-to-head encounter with a ghost).

BUT… (and it’s a big but)…

I’m really freaked out about this stupid 11:11 thing. There. I’ve said/typed it. Out loud. Kind of.

In my sidebar, I’ve kept a tally of how many times I’ve seen 11:11 on a clock, on a timestamp, anywhere. Counting today, I’ve seen it 23 times in just over a month. I know, I know. If you’re thinking about it, you’re more likely to see it. I know! But honestly… I’m not clock-watching just to see it. It actually surprises me when I do see it, because I am not expecting it.

This site has some 'spiritual' contexts of what 11:11 is all about.

Oh... and guess what the date is Saturday? Gah. Superstitious? No. Paranoid? Absolutely.

I know I'm making too much of this. I'm an idiot.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Anal Retentive, Obsessive, Compulsive Freaks...

Consider this...

* Got in line behind a truck at an auto-carwash today. I haven't washed my vehicle (*cough, cough* loser cruiser *cough cough*) for well over a month. The truck directly in front of me looked like it had been washed, ummm... maybe three MINUTES before. Seriously. Shiny. Clean. And he was in line for the car wash. Did I mention how clean his truck already was???

I, on the other hand, was already semi-late for an 8:00pm appointment, and I just wanted to wash the top layer of grime off my automobile. Instead, I have to wait for this guy with the sparkly, shiny clean truck to go through the wash. No, he did not choose the Basic Wash. No, he did not choose the Premium Wash. No, he did not choose the Super Deluxe Wash. He chose the Ultimate, Super-dee-DUPER Fabo-Wash that only compulsive-freaks-whose-cars-are-already-clean choose. It's a seven-freaking-minute long wash. gah.

I have a neighbor who is kind of like this guy. He washes his truck in his driveway, all summer long, every single day. He mows his lawn, during the summer (yes, the scorching midwest summer heat), every single day.

I can't figure out people like this.

*And then there is the OTHER side of compulsive. Like this lady (thanks to Sarcomical for pointing her out!). Crazy EBay lady is the only person on this planet, except for my sister, who can make me feel like there is yet hope for me in my crusade not to be a complete, utter slob. Holy Hell in a Hand Grenade... this poor woman needs help.

Sadly, I can see how some people can get like that.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Migraines Suck...

I've been home all day with a migraine from hell. It's mostly gone now, but my head still feels like it's in a vise. I woke up with this nightmare... which means it was too late to take any medicine. I tried to do so later and just hurled it all back up. Fun day.

Thank God for sick days. And also for husbands who will go to Chipotle to bring you dinner after you haven't eaten a thing all day.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Another Random Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why am I saddened by the Reese/Ryan split? Why do I even care? Well, I guess I don't really CARE, if I truly think about it (I'm just not into the celebrity worship thing)... but they were one couple I was rooting for.

WHY #2: Why can't there be a law that restricts any candidates from advertising on TV or radio? or for that matter, on my Internets or on my newspaper? I know why... I'm just saying that I'm really, REALLY tired of all the campaign ads in all of those media options. Tuesday can't arrive soon enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Here's the bigger issue... NONE of those ads influence me in the right way. Start slinging mud at your opponent, and you might negatively sway my vote the other way. As far as the issues are concerned, I'm going to find any shred of objective literature about a candidate, but that's it. Telling me that your opponent wants to raise my taxes makes no difference to me. I don't believe anything that any of you say anyway. BTW... this is a non-partisan blog. No party loyalties will be listed here. Period.

WHY #3: Why isn't there a food network show telling us that you can substitute marijuana for oregano? Or is this wife's claim to force her detective husband into retirement by purposefully making him fail his drug test valid? Yikes.

WHY #4: Why does anyone go to a salon for waxing? Don't answer... just read this article from a CBS station in New York: "Salon Rips Flesh Off Customer's Lips During Waxing"

Let's hope they don't provide Brazilian waxing at that salon. Ouchie.

That's all I have now, I guess. After that last one, I'm just sitting here wincing... unable to think anymore. So...

This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Happy Friday.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Gripe O' The Day...

Yes, I have a gripe, and I know how to use it.

It's Daylight Saving Time (ON and OFF). WHY, oh why are we still practicing this evil piece of no-goodery?!? I know, I know. You can all explain to me why it was first initiated and maybe even present some justifiable case studies of why we should follow its theories. However, here's what I think:

I think it messes with my internal clock like no one's business.

I think it fools me in the fall when we're off DST into thinking that that extra hour of sleep will be oh-so-welcome and grand. In the spring, it makes me cranky knowing that I'm going to lose one more hour of my precious, luxurious sleep.

I think all the farmers I have ever met have lights on their combines/tractors (I don't know the difference, so don't ask)... and they don't need that extra hour of daylight anymore.

I think it's a waste of my time to find every non-computerized clock in the house to fall back or spring ahead (it really scares the crap out of me when I glance at that ONE clock I missed, and I seem to fall into this black hole of time warpiness... not really sure of what time it REALLY is).

I think falling back this past weekend didn't make it any easier waking up in the morning, but I sure as hell am more tired at night. In the past two days, I've been asleep before 10pm. WHA? Not cool.

End of today's gripe.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween...

I love this holiday… it’s so much fun. Plus, it’s the one day a year when I DON’T have to wear a costume! Yay!

For all you wondering what I really look like… here I am!

Thanks to for hosting my picture.

Have a great Halloween… and eat LOTS of candy!!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Stupid Is as Stupid Does...

Do you ever amaze even yourself with the sheer number of stupid and/or embarrassing things you do? No? Really? Ahem. Me, neither.

Okay, well, maybe I do. Most days, I pride myself in being a particularly intelligent individual. There are those instances, however, where I say or do something so blatantly stupid, it scares me a little.

A few years ago, I took the kids to school and returned back home to shower in peace and quiet. The Farm Boy had already left for his commute, and the place was all mine. I jumped in the shower and commenced sudsing (yes, it is a word… maybe). I realized that I hadn’t yet brushed my teeth, and I had this horrible dragon-breath-taste in my mouth. I decided to take a quick gulp of water from the shower, and then spit it right back out. However, I inhaled at the same time I gulped, and a fairly good amount of water traveled straight down through my trachea instead. I couldn’t breathe. At. All. I couldn’t get the water back up either. So, as I was panicking, hitting myself in the abdomen to try the self-Heimlich, my only thoughts were, “Great. I’m going to choke to death on about 1/3 cup of water… naked… in the shower… and this is how they’re going to find me.” Luckily, the 11th or 12th blow to the gut brought the water back up.

I’m not exactly sure what the lesson was I learned that day… but it’s probably something along the lines of “DON’T DRINK ALONE” or “DON’T SHOWER ALONE.” Either one works for me.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Happy Birthday, Grumpy Frump...

Yay, we’re ONE today. (I made/drew the cutest cake, but Blogger won't let me upload. Grrr.)

Oddly, it seems like I’ve been doing this for more than a year, though. I like to think that I’ve made some interesting new friends, even if I don’t know you face-to-face. Your advice, your humor… it’s all been a very welcome and unexpected benefit to blogging.

When I first started, I had no idea what I really wanted to do with my personal blog. My other blog is easy… it’s about my profession and what I do for a living. This one became a place where I could rant and get some of the craziness out of my head…. a place where I could ask the WHY’s of life’s insanity, as well as a place to ponder “stuff,” celebrate, and even whine.

So, regardless of whether this place is important to anyone else… it’s important to me. And that’s why I do it.

So, again… YAY! We’re one. Now, let’s get ready for the Terrible Twos.

On a sad note, I regret to inform you that a star figure in one of my past posts has passed on. My betta, Inigo Montoya, moved on to that great fish tank in the sky yesterday. His passing is a bit of a mystery… either he died of natural causes and floated into the filter, or he pulled a Nemo and swam in on sheer determination. Last night, when I walked over to his tank, I didn’t see him anywhere. Finally, I noticed his tailfin sticking out of the bottom of the tank filter. :-( I’m actually depressed that my fish died. I’m not typically a fish killer… I once had a goldfish that lived over five years. Every time he looked like he was on his last fin, we’d pop half an aspirin and a small ice cube into his bowl… and he’d perk right up. No such luck for Inigo.

Inigo Montoya, coolest Betta ever
January, 2006 – October, 2006

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Now You See It... Now You Don't... Now You See It Again

My blog disappeared for most of the day today. That was a little scary. Tomorrow is Grumpy Frump's 1st Birthday, and it would have really sucked to be 'absent' for one's own birthday.


See you tomorrow. I hope.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Somewhat Disjointed Thoughts from a Somewhat Coherent Grump.

1. Some days, I really hate being a girl. See... my lipstick is smeared a la Courtney Love, and my hair is a mess. If I were a guy, I'd get up, shower, run a comb through my hair, put on a shirt, tie, and pants, and be done. But no. I had to be born a chick. Gah.

2. I was watching Biography the other night, and the subject was Vampyres (yes, the spelling is correct). I’ve had some fascination with this particular topic for a long time and have even posted about one interesting self-proclaimed vampire before.

What I found interesting is that, according to one of the vampyres interviewed for this Biography special (an interview with a vampyre… hmmm.), you might be a vampyre if:

a) you’re extremely sensitive to light… CHECK.
b) you’re extremely sensitive to touch… CHECK.
c) you’re tired all the time…. CHECK CHECK.
d) you feel more alive at night (not a morning person)… CHECK CHECK CHECK

Apparently, I’m a vampyre. Oddly enough, my dentist did file my cuspids (canine teeth) down so they weren’t so pointy. Hmmm…

3. I guess you can get an auric cleansing/cleaning if your karma is bad. This site proclaims that they can “remove past-life ‘baggage’ forever” and that it is much more “powerful than psychology.” Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I need an auric cleaning. Maybe all my vampyric activity in a past life is weighing me down in this life.*

4. Good news: I am excused from jury duty. Woot!

5. Oh... and what I'm wearing today at work? SO frumpy. What was I thinking? Again, if I were a guy, I wouldn't even care.

That’s all I have today. It’s better than what I’ve had the past few days (aka NADA).

* If you think I’m serious about any of this, I hate to disappoint you… but NO. No, no, no, no, NO. I’m not. Not one bit. Nope.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Grump has been temporarily detained...

Just wanted to quickly post an "I'm Sorry" to all of you whose blogs I read regularly... I haven't been regularly reading anything lately. I'm hoping this week will get a little better, and I can get back to reading and commenting again. Not that you even care... but if you do, I am sorry.

Oh, and I really need to do some upkeep on "All the Cool Kids," as there are some I need to add and some I should maybe remove... not because they're not cool kids, but because they don't even blog anymore.

Also, my 1st Bloggy-versary is this Friday, so I should probably be around for that. :-)

So... I hope to be visiting you soon again! Have a great week.

Friday, October 20, 2006

A Thank God It’s Friday-Why Files…

WHY #1: Why is the dream I had before awaking this morning still haunting me now? I’m not going to list it here… it was that disturbing. The thing is, I don’t mind scary dreams, as long as they don’t involve someone/thing hurting my family. I don’t even mind those scary ‘chase’ dreams where I am running and running from something, and then wake up with my heart racing.

The ones that really freak me out are those dreams where I am someone so far and away outside my own personality. Sometimes, I’m the one chasing some helpless person. Other times, like this morning, I act in such a manner that it’s simply too shameful to think about. I’m shuddering even as I’m typing this. I don’t want some major dream analysis… I know I can talk to experts (or even search the web) for the reasons I’m dreaming like this. I just can’t shake this ‘disturbed’ feeling this morning. Why can’t I remember the really amazingly good dreams as well as I remember this one? Bleh.

WHY #2: While I understand the principle behind our Double Jeopardy laws in this country (for those of you who don't know this—basically, you can’t be tried for the same crime twice if you are acquitted the first time), sometimes, I think it’s really stupid. If new evidence comes to light, or if maybe the first trial was such a sham in the first place, a person should have to face the music, so to speak. Right?

I’m not saying anyone is guilty here, but… well, I’m just sayin.’

WHY #3: Why is 90% of the Entertainment “NEWS” (and I use that term very lightly) about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and/or Nicole Richie? These three girls are like gold mines to the tabloid rags. I guess I just answered my own question… HOWEVER, if I see any of the three of them on a magazine cover or web news article, I just move along. I’m not going to support their drama, nor the media’s fascination with them.

WHY #4: Why do we need Smell-A-Vision? Do we really need to be able to smell what’s going on in TV land? Sure, the Food Network might be fun… all those fabulous, fattening concoctions Miss Paula Deen makes. Yum! But what about Mike Rowe’s Dirty Jobs on Discovery? There are a few of those episodes I’m thanking the heavens that I can’t smell what he’s doing. Or maybe Six Feet Under? Well, maybe if you’re partial to the aroma of embalming fluid, that could be your thing.

WHY #5: Why am I blogging at work? EEK. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.
Well, actually I’m only posting this at work. I wrote the rest earlier this morning, before coming in. :-)

And that concludes Today’s Friday Why Files…

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Gee, Your Hair Smells Like... Pot Roast?

One of my pet peeves is going to a restaurant for lunch, and then having to go back to work smelling like that restaurant. The worst is when you can't get the smell out of your hair until you wash it again.

I know there are some hair refreshers out there... anyone have a favorite? Jonathan has one, but I've never tried it.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

There's just no TIME!

See Grumpy.

See Grumpy awaken 2 hours earlier than she normally does.

See Grumpy go to work 2 hours earlier than she normally does.

See Grumpy work as late as she usually does.

See Grumpy return home.

See Grumpy eat dinner with half-closed eyelids.

See Grumpy run to kids' activities, etc.

See Grumpy return home.

See Grumpy fall into her bed at 8:30pm.

See Grumpy missing all her Bloggy Friends. :-(

Friday, October 13, 2006

An Unlucky Friday The 13th Why Files...

WHY #1: Madonna adopts Malawi boy. Why? Is she jealous of Angelina and Brad? Has she been out of the eyes of the press too long, so this is a great idea to pump up her press coverage? Is she really as ‘humanitarian’ as she professes to be? If not, is that why the Eye of the Child group is challenging the adoption process in this case?

WHY #2: Why could I care less that today is Friday the 13th, but freak out when the Farm Boy calls me today exactly at 11:11????

WHY #3: This is still under investigation… but WHY would anyone alter photos of kids? You’ll have to read it and view the photo to believe it. Woman sues school photographer for alleged doctored photos.

WHY #4: Chef makes gown of cream puffs for his own lovely bride. I’m not even going there.

WHY #5: Woman kills husband after being released from jail. She was already in jail for killing one of her sons. Once released (early release due to terminal illness), she proceeded to go home and kill her husband. She stabbed him with a knife… in the throat. Yikes. She has noted several times, that if they don’t send her back to jail, she’ll kill her second son. Hmmm… what ever shall we do with her?

And that concludes today’s Friday the 13th Why Files…

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Things I'm Embarrassed I Still Own...

This post is a result of a 'direct order' from Stacy... or at least, that's how I read it. :-)

I am such a packrat, it's shameful. So shameful, in fact, that I found entirely too many items that I have no business keeping. So shameful, that my storage room is a mysterious labyrinth that needs that bossy lady from TLC's Clean Sweep (is that show even on anymore?) to come around. I think she'd crumble under the pressure, though.

My 'collectibles' have waned over the years, though. There's not enough room for all my crap AND all my kids' crap, AND all the Farm Boy's crap.

So... here we go!

I'm not really embarrassed by the fact that I have these books... nor am I embarrassed that I have had them since I was in 1st or 2nd grade. I am embarrassed that I left them in a cellar in my old house 10 years ago... and they are now mildewed. I'm not going to give them away, though.

George of the Jungle, Beethoven, and Abs of Steel. I can rationalize these by the following three statements: 1 )Brendan Fraser is in George of the Jungle... enough said. 2) Tami Lee Webb is annoying as hell, but her abs workouts work. 3) Ummm... I love Charles Grodin? (maybe not)

Mickey Mouse Keds. They look almost new, but I've had them for probably 10 or 12 years. Maybe longer. I will never wear them again, but I don't throw them out or give them away. WHY???

Remember these cans? I think they used to have popcorn in them. I have a bunch of OLD photos stored in this one, so I guess I'm keeping the can.

This is my button collection. These are buttons that come attached to items you purchase, so that if you lose a button, you can easily replace it. Apparently, I have never lost any buttons from my clothes, because this collection is even bigger than I thought it was. The buttons are still in their little plastic zip baggies.

Gah. Scrunchies. I only wear them to bed, I promise. (anyone recognize what's behind them???)

And finally... the catch-what's-left photo: A Ziggy Christmas glass (Ziggy was my hero in 4th grade), a Backstreet Boys Black and Blue CD (I know), a Paddington notepad I've had since 3rd or 4th grade and never used because then I wouldn't have any more papers with the cute little Paddington stamp on them and then what would I do???, and a pair of wooden apple earrings that some student probably bought me when I was a teacher. The earrings are almost as big as my ears.

There it is... sadly, I could fill a blog post everyday for a month with stuff I should just toss. I'm so depressed now. Gah.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Certifiable, Parts Un et Deux...

1. You know you are losing it when, upon glancing in the mirror you keep on your desk to prevent anyone from sneaking up on you, you think you see a person standing very quietly behind you… and you are slightly startled… but then realize that it is just your own. freaking. arm.

2. You commit the sin of listening to iTunes with earbuds at your computer. That alone is not the sin. The sin is FORGETTING that you have earbuds in and no one else can hear the music emanating from the illustrious iTunes. Oh, but they can surely hear you rocking out to ELO’s All Over the World .

Do these two events sum up my character in general, or could they have anything to do with the fact that I fell down 6 or 7 stairs this morning*? Hmmm…..

*At least I have a dog to blame for this one (he tripped me in his excitement to go to the family room and play), and at least the stairs were carpeted. And nothing seems to have been permanently damaged. And thank goodness I wasn't seriously hurt, since no one was home, and I wasn't near a phone. And boy, doesn't this sound like a great scenario for one of those commercials where "I've fallen, and I can't get up!?!"

Monday, October 09, 2006

Thoughts to Ponder Today...

1. Should we just stop publicizing all the school shootings? Does the media coverage encourage others to jump on the bandwagon, or do we need to be informed so that we can attempt to stop the madness?

2. Will I ever be reimbursed for my time and money that was wasted seeing Employee of the Month? (it was my step-daughter’s choice, not mine) It had its moments, and I did laugh quite a few times here and there... Andy Dick is pretty fun... but I would rather have seen it on cable or something.

3. How many past and future posts will I dedicate to the fact that I am not a morning person and that I struggle to get to work on time every single day?

3a. While I’m on the subject, how many times will I play the game with myself where I wake up later and later, totally sure of the fact that I can get ready more and more quickly than before??? Especially when I. Never. Win. That. Game.

3b. Will the time change make mornings any easier? At least for a little while?

4. After the spinach scare, and now the lettuce in CA where e. coli was also found… will I ever be able to eat a salad again? I love salads. :-(

5. I choose to live in a region where the weather changes so drastically that, in less than one week, we go from a day where temps hit 90 degrees F as a high to a day where the low will be around 28 degrees F. If it rains, we’ll have snow that day.

Did I mention that I CHOOSE to live here? (kind of)

SO… my closet has to hold shorts and summer shirts as well as sweaters, scarves, and gloves… because you never know which you’re going to need from day to day. Economically speaking, I’d be stupid to move… but this is getting ridiculous.

6. Does the fact that I continue to see 11:11 everywhere have any significance whatsoever? I'm going to start keeping track of it in the sidebar. I do not make a conscious effort to look at the clock daily to see if it is 11:11. It's just a glance up and WHA! There it is again. Creepy. On November 11, I'm going to paranoid all day long.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Do the Knee-Jerk! Da-da-da-da-da-dee-da-DUH!

I don’t need to write a post that asks what in Hades is this world coming to… there are plenty of others who are doing just that. With all the school shootings and crazies who are targeting children nowadays… that question seems to be on a lot of our minds lately.

However, some of the reactions and ideas about how to prevent these tragedies remind me quite a bit of the TSA’s decision to ban me from carrying my Beauty Rush lip gloss (cherry-licious flavored*) because I MIGHT have some kind of chemical in that itty-bitty tube that could cause someone harm. It's called KNEE JERK. The description, "knee jerk," sounds stupid because it IS. It's a reflex, not a deliberate, conscious reaction.

The most recent asinine ‘solution’ comes from the Wisconsin state representative, Frank Lasee. What, you ask, is this astute chap suggesting we do to prevent nutjobs from entering our schools and shooting at our kids? Why, arm the teachers, of course! Yes, that’s right. He wants to put guns in the hands of teachers and other school faculty to keep our kids safe from outside assailants. Huh? Wha?

Off the top of my head, here are a few responses I would like to send to Rep. Lasee:

1. *shakes him frantically by the shoulders* Please tell me you’re not serious!!!

2. In some of our schools, we have over 165 classroom teachers. That doesn’t include administrators, paraeducators, security staff, or food service workers. Let’s do the math. The ratio of guns to students has now significantly INCREASED. You don’t have to have a degree in quantum physics to understand that this potentially increases the amount of DANGER the kids would then be in.

3. Not all school shooters walk into the school as a stranger who feels like taking out his life’s failures on innocent children. Some of the shooters are students or teachers or administrators who lose it and work from within. Keeping that in mind, please kindly re-read point #2.

4. You want staff to go through “strict” firearm training? When? All I have to say is, “Good Luck!” I can’t even get half of them to learn how to turn on a computer and read their email.

5. Have you ever MET a teacher? I have. Oh, and I used to be one. There are some teachers who are scary enough without a gun. Please don’t give them one. Then there are those, very similar to one of my HS English teachers in the late 80s. As tiny and meek as she was, I just can’t imagine her becoming a gun-totin’ momma. Not happening. Nope. No way. You just can’t make a blanket requirement that all teachers carry firearms. You just CAN’T!

6. *shakes him frantically by the shoulders again* Really! Please tell me you’re not serious!

That’s all. Thanks for listening.

*Actually, the real name of the flavor for my lip gloss is Cherry Bomb. No wonder they won’t let me take it on a plane.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Does this mean I'm a Pirate now?*

When did I become a grown-up?

When I was a child, my mother always joked that I was 5 going on 30, 10 going on 40, etc. I was then, and still am to a degree, a very serious little person. I was taught to read by the time I was 2 1/2. I spent most of my days around adults (I am the oldest child in my family), and very little time with other kids my age. I loved school, because I couldn't wait to meet my teachers and learn something new.

Don't get me wrong... I wasn't that freaky kid who couldn't relate to other children. I just preferred to be around adults. I preferred to read higher level books, rather than Dr. Seuss or Ramona Quimby. In fact, I think I've gone back as an adult to read a lot of children's books... and I have a much greater appreciation for them now.

Everyone-- including my teachers, friends of parents, etc.-- were always commenting on how mature I was for my age.

For all the 'maturity' I seemed to have as a young person, I look back now and wonder... when did I really grow up? For as much as I can tell, I don't think I was all that mature. My guess is that I was just a pretty good actor... I even had myself fooled. And I think that pseudo-maturity led me to make some not-so-great decisions, because I thought I was mature enough to handle it all.

Probably the biggest error in judgement was getting married at 19. WHAT was I thinking? I had no idea who I was, what I wanted in life, where I wanted to be in 10 years, etc. By about age 25, I was sitting in my home one day, 2 children later, and feeling really miserable. My marriage was on a slow-but-steady-downward spiral. I loved being a mom, but I was also still a kid (No offense to those of you who are 25 or younger... you'll eventually know what I mean, though). I often remark that my oldest daughter, whom I had at age 20, and I grew up together.

I wasn't a great mom then. I'm so much more patient and understanding now... and a lot less selfish. And you know what? I have to be completely honest with you. So many more things/concepts/ideas make sense to me now. I've always been pretty good at making connections, but now... it's like a window that has been fairly cloudy has finally cleared up, and I can see things so much more clearly.

I'm not sitting here, professing that, at age 37, I am this wise, old sage. It's just that, well... it's a rather liberating feeling sometimes. Looking back, seeing your mistakes, remembering your good choices, and being able to see the impact on your life... how they all formed who you are NOW is something I just never expected. It's not like you wake up one day with this epiphany... it's more of a slow, gradual process.

So everytime I worry that I'm getting old, everytime I sweat the fact that my 20th high school reunion is quickly approaching (summer of 2007-- groan!), I also secretly relish that I'm not that girl I used to be. It's okay to get a few wrinkles. It's okay to look in the mirror and see things sagging where they never did before. Honestly, the payoff of getting older, of "growing up," is sooooo well worth it.

*All grown-ups are Pirates.

Monday, October 02, 2006

A Very Merry UN-Birthday To Me!

Wow. After making the rounds in BloggyLand today, it seems like everyone is having a birthday in late September/early October. Even Paisley's little one has just joined the 'special group' of fall birthdays.

So, as not to feel left out, I declare today one of my 364 UN-birthdays. And while I'm not as loony as the Mad Hatter on his Un-birthday, I might just go celebrate with the Farm Boy.

Hmmm... I'm not quite sure how one celebrates an UN-birthday. I probably shouldn't have any alcohol. My lovely daughter passed along her cold --and mixing Nyquil and alcohol would be bad. Right?

Meh. The Farm Boy just called, and he is still over an hour away from getting home. That means dinner on my own. This is turning into a really sucky UN-birthday. Boo.

Friday, September 29, 2006

A "So That's How It Is" Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why is this quote from Roz of Monsters Inc. the first thing I can think about after looking at comments? "You're stunned silence is very reassuring."

WHY#2: Why do those women from the Yaz commercial annoy me so much? I think it's the fact that I don't sit around in bars with my girlfriends discussing birth control. I don't know... maybe it's just me.

WHY #3: Why, after hearing that Screech has an 'accidentally released' sex tape, did I think, "Hmmm... accidentally?" Eww. And if you read the article in the link, DOUBLE Ewww.

WHY #4: Why didn't I think of this sooner?!? Everyone needs a pirate-decorated cubicle. Everybody.

WHY #5: Why don't some people use common sense? Oh, yeah... because very few people HAVE common sense anymore. Four eighth-grade girls in Marion, Indiana are learning that lesson the hard way, after they were suspended for dressing exactly alike. Principal of the school assumes they dress alike because they are in a gang. Wha? Isn't that what 8th grade girls DO?

Good thing our principals were clueless when I was in 8th grade. We all wore our Gloria Vanderbilts or Sasson jeans with our Izod polo shirts, collars up of course, and requisite brown penny loafers. Those preppie gangs were bad ass, man. TOTALLY.

And that concludes this week's Friday Why Files. Hope you all have a nice weekend.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

You need to know the FACTS...

Okay. I’m hoping that the events of the last week are almost behind me. It would be nice to be able to get up in the morning and just take care of my family, then go to work. Suffice it to say/type that everything will be resolved soon, and that I’m tired of other people who have no sensitivity regarding how they are affecting other people’s lives. But that’s enough about that already.

Let’s have a post about something that is extremely serious... and about which people (not just women) should educate themselves NOW.

It’s HPV. HPV is the Human papillomavirus (and for those of you wondering, NO… this is not the reason for my recent ‘troubles.’ And thank God for that!).

RUN, don’t walk to this website:

This infection isn’t just an annoyance. Sometimes, it goes away. Sometimes, it doesn’t. HPV’s role in cervical and other cancers isn’t something that we hear a lot about in the media. There aren’t any celebrities wearing ribbons at awards ceremonies for HPV research. But this silent monster is everywhere, and very few people are talking about it. Very few people know the facts… and the facts are staggering.

Anyone, male or female, can contract HPV. Men can give it to women, and vice versa. Unfortunately for women, it's much more dangerous to us.

The only preventive measure? No genital contact. Period. Or monogamous contact with someone who has been tested and is uninfected. That’s scary. Really scary.

If you are among the very few people who are aware of HPV, you may know there’s an HPV vaccine that’s been in the news. That seems like pretty good news... but did you know that the vaccine only offers protection from FOUR of the nearly 50 types of HPV?

When I was a teenager, the chances of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease was about 1 in 32.

The statistics today (which vary, depending upon whose information you’re reading) are more like 1 in 3.

Take a look at the person to your right, then look at the person to your left. Chances are, one of you has an STD. That STD might be something that is merely annoying... or more likely, it might be something that will affect the rest of your life.

No one can make decisions for you. You are the owner of all your choices. All I ask of you is that you educate yourself before you make choices. Please read about HPV, and tell your friends to read about it. We need this information to reach more people.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

When It Rains, It Pours... Right On My Head.

In my quest to keep this an 'anonymous' blog, I've discovered that I am severely limiting what I can post about. And that sucks. Big time. On the other hand, the anonymity allows me to post about things I wouldn't allow myself to do if my real name were actually somewhere on this thing.

Really, though... there are two things happening right now that I can't blog about, and they are pretty big things in my life. (Don't ask me to tell you, because I won't.) I'm just extremely frustrated, and I'm pretty helpless to do anything about it. Gah.

Oh, and guess what I received in the mail today? A jury summons. To report Monday. As in YESTERDAY. Holy Hell. I can't catch a break.

Hopefully, I won't be going to jail for skipping out of jury duty... considering, I DIDN'T EVEN GET THE BLOODY SUMMONS UNTIL TODAY!!!

Okay. I think I'll stop screaming now. I'm going to go crawl into the fetal position and cry for a while.

Monday, September 25, 2006

You're a Bad Microbe!!

This guy is the reason I am eating worse than I usually do... as in, I haven't eaten a salad in over a week and a half.

Do you recognize him?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Shoes, Glorious Shoes...

These are, quite possibly, the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned. And because the company who makes them (rhymes with Kvetchers) doesn't sell them in stores or even on their website anymore (they're last year's 'model'), imagine my elation when I was able to find them on

Those are, also quite possibly, the pastiest, whitest ankles ever to have been displayed on a blog. I don't know for a fact... but I'm just sayin'.

The Shortest Ever Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why couldn't I post a picture of my other dog the last few days? I don't know... but here's another attempt. This is Diego, staring at me, pleading for me to come snuggle with him, eye-boogers and all.

WHY #2: How do people this stupid actually function on a day-to-day basis? Does he write "Breathe In" on his left hand and "Breathe Out" on his right hand? What happens when he wears gloves? Does he pass out???

Drunk man threatens bikers, then runs himself over with his own car. WHAT a dumbass.

WHY #3: Why am I sitting here when I should be in the shower, getting ready for work?

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Fall, Mouth Ulcers, Creepy Baristas, and Doggie Jealousy...

Ah... too much to tell about the last few days, so four mini-posts will have to do today.

1. I love Fall. Yes, I've mentioned it many times before, and it's usually due to the fabulous temperatures (cooler weather) and beautiful colors. But it's also for the clothes. My favorite 'uniform' is jeans and a sweater. Or, if I'm dressing down more, jeans and a sweatshirt. Comfy=good.

In the last two days, I have been 'complimented' on my outfits, each time leading to a "Have you lost weight?" Well, no, I don't think I have. There was that bout with the stomach flu last week, but no. I have not lost a substantial amount of weight. HOWEVER, with cooler weather comes longer pants as well as structured jackets. With longer pants come higher-heeled shoes. Therefore, with the arrival of fall weather comes the illusion of a slimmer figure. Yay, Fall!

2. I bit the left side of my cheek a couple of days ago. Ouchie. I bit it HARD. And I bit it hard enough that it has become swollen... so I continue to keep biting it. Now, a canker sore (aka mouth ulcer) is developing, which means everything I eat or drink produces mind-searing pain. So, I bought this mouth sore gel tonight called Zilactin-B. It works pretty well, but I have to tell you... in order to get to 6 hours pain-free, you have to endure 30 seconds of sheer torture (read here: feeling like a hole is burning through your cheek). Eh.

3. What is it with coffee barista people? They are so freaking friendly. Not like, "Hi. Have a nice day with your coffee/tea" friendly. I mean, "Hi, I really hope you enjoy your skinny latte while I wink at you and give you a look that will make you feel like I'm trying to seduce you but really that's just how I roll" friendly. It's just this side of being utterly creepy.

4. Diego was jealous that Paco was the star of the last post, so I have to show you how cute and adorable he is. He's also a total mama's boy who sits and stares at me the minute I get home, because he wants to go to bed already. He won't stop staring at me until I actually sit down on the bed so that he can then snuggle under the comforter and plaster himself to my right side. Unfortunately, Blogger is being a pain in the ass, and I can't upload his photo. :-( Maybe later...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Please, Mom... just two hours more...

Apparently, one of my dogs is not a morning 'dog,' either (see my previous post). Every morning when we get up to go to work, we get the dogs up to go outside. Our chihuahua jumps out of bed and runs outside. He's just as happy to go back to bed, but we have NO trouble getting him up in the morning.

Our other dog, a rat terrier/min pin mix ... not so much. He sleeps in a kennel at night, and we literally have to drag him out of it in the morning. If you don't get the door closed immediately, he sneaks right back in. When we finally get him out of the kennel, he slowly moseys outside, does his business, then scampers right back in the house to return to his doggie bed in the kennel. It's hilarious. This picture is him in his little bed, looking at me, pleading with me to let him sleep just a little bit more.

On weekends, this dog will sleep in until 10am... I'm not exaggerating. He's such a baby!

Monday, September 18, 2006

"Attention Morning People: Be Perky at Your Peril"*

Have I ever mentioned before that I hate mornings? Have I ever mentioned before that I hate Mondays? (Well, except those Mondays that are holidays. Those are okay). So, there's a double whammy for this morning. Gah.

I need to find a job that allows me to sleep in mornings and stay up later -- to about 2 or 3am. I didn't get to sleep in past 8:00 this entire weekend. Boooo!

I know I've posted before about morning people vs. night owl people (I'm just too lazy to dig back through the archives to find it). I'm going to say this again: morning people do not "GET" night owl people.

If one more person says to me, "Gee... I just don't understand why anyone would want to sleep in. I spring out of bed, ready to start my day. I'm so excited to have that morning time!"... I will have to throw my morning-wake-me-up-green-tea at them.

I respect that you love mornings. Please respect that I don't.

*This is printed on my new coffee/tea cup that I purchased at Hallmark this weekend. I'd say it fits me pretty well.

Friday, September 15, 2006

A "Dude, I'm SO bored" Friday Why Files...

I have to admit... I rarely blog while I'm at work. I don't usually have time. But today? *yawn* See my sidebar under "Learning..."

WHY #1: Why, upon hearing that Miss Whitney had filed for divorce from Bobby, did I wonder… “Hmmm. Will we ever hear her yell ‘KISSMYASS’ at anyone ever again? Or what about ‘Hell to the NO!’ Will she still be as crazy?”

WHY #2: Why is Ann Curry so DARN insightful?? While I was watching Meredith Viera’s debut on the Today show, Ann cut in with yet another astute observation:
“I really feel bad for the child because when parents divorce it can be very hard on the children,” noted Ann. Yep. That’s why she reports the news, folks.

Thanks to Kiana for the reminder email!!

WHY #3: Why don’t they show more of Tim Gunn on Project Runway? I mean, honestly! The guy is hi-LAR-ious! If you haven’t checked out his podcast, you need to. I love it when he cracks himself up on the podcast, and when he uses terms like “riotous cacophony.” Plain and simple... I love Tim Gunn.

WHY #4: Why is everyone in Britain in such a tizzy about the new Tories logo? So they paid £40,000 for the new scribbled tree that looks like a toddler drew it… and also a little like broccoli. Have you ever flown into Manchester? The trees do look a little like broccoli from the air.

WHY #5: Why, on nearly every web page I visit, do I find the ad with an animated couple “dancing” in front of a giant full moon? Have you seen this? They don’t actually look like they’re dancing. It’s almost a little obscene. Call me dirty-minded… but EEEEK. Okay, maybe the female animation isn’t that bad. But watch the male animation. It’s just a little creepy.

Oddly enough, if you go to their website, they don’t have that ad anywhere on their site.

And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Before you go, please enjoy the poignant stylings of someone who had a great influence in my life… Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Listen, do you want to know a secret...

Has anyone seen those new commercials for Secret deodorant? You know... "Share your Secret?"

The first one, where the daughter tells her mother, "Dad took me to get a tattoo." Mom's expression and reaction was pretty funny... so, I thought, Eh. These aren't so bad.

The one that was on today, though? One's secret is that she doesn't ever want children, and the other's is that she's 4 months pregnant.

Can anyone even understand these women? They're crying... they're talking in that high, dolphin frequency that women use when they're crying and trying to talk. Blech. Do I need this kind of emotional outburst from a commercial for deodorant?!?

I don't know... what do you think? Good? Bad?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

And I've Never Been to Boston in the Fall*...

Thanks for all the nice comments while I was under the weather... you people are kewl. ;-)

Since I did go back to work today... which means I had to do today's work, plus everything I missed yesterday... my brain is a little dead. I don't have much for this bloggy thing here. So, we'll have to settle for a few observations I've made in the past couple of days:

1. There is a big (HUGE!) difference between "water-resistant" and "waterproof" when it comes to sitting at a football game for 4.5 hours in the rain. Big. Huge.

2. When you forget about how to keep your hands dry in the deluge, you notice that your skin actually becomes quite translucent, in addition to puckering around your fingertips. It's an odd look at best.

3. You realize that you are somewhat unkind after laughing at the idiots who wore white pants with their red shirts at the downpour, I mean, football game... the kind of red shirts that, when wet, will "bleed" onto anything white. Like white pants. Definitely unkind. Still funny, though.

4. When you are sick and all alone at home, you realize that it's okay to cry a little during a movie you thought was supposed to be all-funny-all-the-time, but turns out to be a total chick flick. Nobody saw those tears.

5. Thank you, whoever you are, for the invention of On Demand Digital Cable. I was not stuck watching the usual drivel that comprises daytime TV. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

6. Even if you don't eat a thing for 24 hours, the stomach flu doesn't care. Yeah... you're still making that trip, and you know exactly where it is.

7. When you're not feeling well, and your teenagers sing anything from the Silly Songs With Larry CD, one of those songs will make you smile. At first. Then you'll be cursing Larry and all the other Veggies for those damn songs that are now permanently stuck in your head!!! We're the pirates who don't do anything... Gah.

8. If you're so sick that you can't even sit at the computer to read a few blogs... you're going to get WAYYYYY behind. :-(

That's it. That's all I got.

*See number 7.