Some Whine and Cheese Please

Actually, I really love cheese. REALLY LOVE cheese.

But that's not the point of this post. I just need to whine, and then I'll feel all better.

My body is very unhappy with me. My legs hurt. My joints hurt. I'm tired all the time. Even my scalp hurts. Being TOUCHED hurts. I'm sick a lot. Even when I get 8 or 9 hours of sleep, it never feels like enough. Adding more exercise exacerbates the problems.

For a while, we thought IBS was the culprit. Turns out... no. IBS is a symptom, not a cause.

I've been on a course of steroids on and off since June. Gained weight each time. This last course, I gained 5 lbs in one week! For most people, that's no big deal. For me, that's a pants size. Gah.

Yesterday, they took blood again. If I had a nickel for every time I've had blood drawn in the last year, I'd be able to buy a new pair of shoes. NICE shoes.

So here's the thing: it would be nice if we could at least diagnose these problems. I think the latest suspicion might be the one... but I don't even want to type it "out loud" yet. It's scary.

Trust me, taking your health for granted is a really stupid thing. When something goes wrong, you realize just that.

Thanks for letting me whine. I do feel a little better.

How I Feel

I thought I would tell you how I'm feeling in a short photostory (thank you, Creative Commons).

Overwhelmed.¹

Exhausted.²

Ready for a change.³

¹ Overwhelmed
puck90's photostream
http://flickr.com/photos/puck90/2356415451/


² exhausted hiker in the volcano crater - _MG_5928
sean dreilinger's photostream
http://flickr.com/photos/seandreilinger/178862986/

³ Change, we fear it...
apesara's photostream
http://flickr.com/photos/apesara/2146031745/

This Is Not A Crisis

I don't think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Really, I don't think I am. I'm fairly certain it's just a mid-life slump. That's all.

Overall, I'm very happy with my life. I love my family. We're busy as hell, but I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything in the world. There's so much enjoyment in watching our kids in their activities... even though that means we're traveling all over the state (and sometimes, outside the state) to watch the kids do what they do. That doesn't seem like an obligation to me. It's time with my husband and kids when I really feel fulfilled.

On the other hand, I think my professional life is weighing me down. I like the idea of my job... I love the field of study and how I'm able to help people... but I'm not happy with the schedule, the extra time I spend at work that takes me away from my family, and the sheer mental exhaustion of it all.

My house is a disaster, because... when I am actually home... I'm too tired to deal with it. My personal fitness plan is non-existent (see previous point). I pay bills online over my lunch hour, when I actually have a lunch hour, and other personal errands happen when they happen.

I think you get the point. I'M TOO BUSY.

What I REALLY want to do is...

1) write- books, articles, blog (more)
2) get back into painting again
3) go on photography retreats
4) travel occasionally and facilitate workshops and deliver presentations in my field (this would require me to become self-employed)
5) sing with a group again and be the musician I am, rather than the one I "dust off" occasionally
6) stop stressing out over everything all the time!!!

That's not really all that much to ask, is it?

Ah... but then there's that money issue. Our youngest is a sophomore in high school. Our oldest is a sophomore in college. And the two in the middle are also in high school-- one junior, one senior.

KIDS ARE EXPENSIVE. So is college.

So... those things I really WANT to do are not in the business of paying me what I require to afford the college thing. And the high school thing.


Therein lies my dilemma.

Can I be patient enough to wait until the youngest is out of college? That's about 7 years away. Can my health and mental wellness sustain 7 more years of what I'm doing now?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

My Apologies... to Blogger and to my Right Hand.

Well, I have unfairly blamed Blogger for my recent inability to login or even comment on other blogs. Apparently, we are having browser issues. On more than one computer. Yikes.

But this one works!

So, what have I been up to? I've taken two major tests in one of my grad classes. I'm certain I aced one... have no idea about the second. Not sure what he wanted, which doesn't make me feel good. But for two questions that were to be essay answers, I wrote 8 pages. EIGHT. OCHO. Excessive? I think not. However...

I can't feel my fingers on my right hand. I don't write anything anymore... it's all type-ity type type, clackety clack on a keyboard. I wasn't even sure my right hand remembered HOW to write. Apparently, eight pages later, it did.

Honestly... beyond signing a few checks here and there and maybe a few legal documents every so often... I don't write anymore! In high school and undergrad classes, writing eight pages would have been a piece of cake. Not so much now. Oh, well.

As for the school stuff, I still have a project to finish, a 25 page secondary research paper to begin (due Nov. 6... eeeek!), and three more tests. All this for 6 lousy credits. Gah. Credits that won't get me any salary advancement or that are 100% necessary. Color me stupid.

Sooooooo, now that I know Blogger doesn't hate me, I guess I'll be around again. Not that I have oodles and oodles of readers anymore. :-)

On that fabulously, self-pitying remark... please leave a comment. I just want to know who's around without having to check my Sitemeter stats. Pretty please?

So Much To Do, So Little Time- Part Infinity

Gah! Seriously. 2 graduate classes on top of full-time job on top of mommy/chauffeur duty on top of...

I need a vacation.

Or a mojito.

I sense several upcoming meme posts, because I don't think I'll have time to think of anything too original. My apologies.

Pictures Can Say A Lot...

*I know I used a preposition to end the phrase, but I don't really care today.

Where Does the Time Go?

I'm still in shock at how busy things are at work. My work year always has it's peaks and valleys, but there's not a valley in my sights right now. Gargh. Without looking back, I can't even tell you when I last posted here. This makes me a Sad Frump.

So, again... here's a quick list of stuff on my mind, since I don't have time for anything else.

1. Humidity sucks. I have stick-straight hair... I work hard to make it look "decent." And it does. Until I walk outside. I've worn my hair in an up-do more than I care to think about lately. Bring on fall weather, please!

2. I don't know why, but I can't stop craving sushi. I would eat sushi every day if I had the chance. We've had sushi probably 5 times in the last two weeks. Even the Bobblehead* was eating some sushi on the Food Network last night. Not helping the cravings.

3. People who have never lived through the destruction of a tornado do not understand the urgency of taking shelter immediately after a warning is announced. Yes, Farm Boy, this means YOU. We were lucky during this last storm... no tornado, but it was one hell of a storm. We were driving through 70-80 mph wind gusts. Scary.

4. I'm sort of looking forward to my class reunion this weekend. There are a lot of people I can't wait to see.

5. Farm Boy joined a gym. He wants me to join, and I'm all for it... unless it's a bunch of "plastics" who go at the same time I do. I left my last gym for that reason. When I go to a gym, I don't want to worry about what I look like... I just want to work out. If I have to get on an elliptical next to Barbie Anorexic with the DD implants, I'm sooooo outta there.

That's all I've got for now. I have a day off on Friday to help College Daughter move into her dorm, and then I'll be readying myself for the reunion activities (read here: try not to look older than I actually am). At any rate, it should be good for a few posts... that is, if I have time to post anything!

Over and out.


*You know who she is.

Tell Me What I Want... (what I really really want)...

Instead of whining (again) about how busy I am, I have decided that I should come to you, O Friends of the Bloggy Cosmos, for ideas of what I should/could do to de-stress. After my "two weeks in hell" are over, I will take a day or two off (a Monday and possibly a Tuesday) for mental health.

Please send me your recommendations for my mental health day(s) via the comments. There's always the fall-back massage or pedicure (massage AND pedicure would be nice, too)... but I'm betting you all have amazing ideas that my brain is not capable of conjuring at this moment in time.

There are limited funds, of course... and because I have children, I probably can't jet off to Paris... or even anywhere outside the burgeoning metropolis I call home. Those are your limits, but you can go crazy with the rest of the details.

Thanks for playing.

Detonation in Three, Two, One...

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!



Sorry... had to get that out before I exploded.


Am having busiest season of all time at that PLACE THAT SHALL NOT BE BLOGGED ABOUT*. It will all be over in two weeks, but all the same... I feel like jumping off a cliff. I hate this time of year.

On top of that, was offered my dream job, but had to turn it down. Because.Of.Money. Gah! If it were even close, I would have jumped on it, but it would have been substantially less money. With Daughter #1 starting college in a month (and three more to follow in only a few years)... no way. Even if we didn't have a child starting college, we couldn't have done it. Can I just say how much that sucks? I have literally trapped myself in this income bracket... yes, there are a lot of sacrifices we could make, but those would be sacrifices that we ALL would have to make, not just me. Plus... I'm approaching 40... is it practical to go back to the scrimping and saving and scraping by that I did in my 20s? I don't think it is. I need to be practical and think about retirement and other responsible crap like that. Gah. This SUUUUUUCCCCCKS. Oh, well. C'est la vie.

I think someone has it in for me. ** Busiest, most stressful time of work ever, PMS, and shifting weather fronts which have the tendency to give me migraines. I'm going to be such a peach this coming week!

Okay. Ending self-pity party now.




So, how was YOUR week? ;-)


On a much lighter and more fun-like note, here is my Simpsons avatar. You can make yours at the Simpsons Movie site. Please to enjoy.









* I know it's grammatically incorrect, but I really don't give a rat's bum this time.


** Of course, not really. But maybe. Perhaps?

A Downer of A Return...

Overwhelmed.

That's what I am. I can't even begin to list all the crap that's weighing on my mind. The sad thing is that I have some time to deal with things right now, but there's so much to do that I don't even know where to begin.

I wish I could say that our vacation was helpful, but not really. The conference I attended in Atlanta was okay, but not great.

Ever been in the place where you stare at the ceiling in the morning, dreading what awaits you as soon as you get out of bed? I'm not depressed. Honest. There's just TOO MUCH stuff. I've even tried delegating, but ha. ha. HA! Not helping.

GAH. I hate being in this place.

So yay... I'm back. Sorry it's not more cheerful. I'm sure I'll be back to my grumpier self soon with some typical, snarky posts (not to be mistaken with actress, Markie Post, oh she of the Lifetime Movie of the Week).

See? Even my attempts at humor suck. ;-)

I'm Home... but not for long!

We arrived home from California very early this morning, and I am headed out to a conference in Atlanta very early tomorrow morning. Talk about jet lag!

Here's a quick recap of what we did in CA (I'll post more later):

6/15: arrived in Ontario (California, not Canada); drove to Menifee where brother-in-law lives. Stayed in Menifee/Canyon Lakes area.

6/16: drove the kids to Hollywood for the afternoon. Spent more time on the freeway than we did in Hollywood, but knew that was going to happen.

6/17: spent Father's Day waiting for the guys to golf and then ate dinner at BIL's house. Also spent much time being annoyed with the Farm Boy's twin. I definitely have the good twin!!

6/18: went to Knott's Berry Farm and Soak City for the day.

6/19-21: half of us sailed and half of us ferried from Long Beach/San Pedro area to Avalon on Catalina Island. Were only scheduled to stay there a day, but the sail snapped on the sailboat, and those who were sailing were stranded in the middle of the ocean for a while. Finally, they motored into Avalon. Instead of going on to Two Harbors, we stayed at Avalon the entire time. We did some horseback riding, snorkeling, beachcombing, glass-bottom boating, kayaking, eating.... you name it. The Farm Boy was able to go scuba diving with his siblings and saw the resident 300 lb black sea bass named Fred. The weather there was absolutely beautiful! I'll post some pics later!

6/22: Sailed/Ferried back to Long Beach/San Pedro. Spent some time on the boardwalk in Long Beach at Shoreline Villages... wanted to take the older kids on the Queen Mary, but ran out of time. I'm pretty bummed about that. Drove back to Menifee.

6/23: had a quick lunch at a relative's house in Upland, then drove into Ontario to the airport for the flight home. Returned just after midnight.

We had a good time, but I can definitely say that a person who is a planner to a fault (ME) will always have a stressful experience with people who decide what to do at the last minute (Farm Boy and all his family). I know the kids had a good time, as did the Farm Boy, so that's all that really matters. I will spend three days in a [NICE!] hotel all by myself while at my conference, so that's where I'll have MY vacation. ;-)

And with that... I need to get back to packing. I have lists to check off and minute details to fret over. W00T!

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Do you ever have those days when EVERYBODY is on your shit list? I keep thinking, "why is everyone intent on pissing me off?"

Then I realize, of course, it can't be everyone else. It has to be me. Gah.

I can't wait until this month is over. Two more days. I might be normal again after that.

next

Thanks to you all for the well wishes and thoughts while I was "out" losing my gallbladder. You're all so thoughtful, kind... and funny!!

And no, wire, they didn't let me keep my gallbladder. I think I signed a paper that donated any tissue to science. I can't be entirely certain, as I was mostly out of it that morning. ;-)

next

Daughter #1 graduated Sunday and is currently on her way to our nation's capital. Like I need one more thing to worry about. haha I'm sure she'll have a great time. Daughter #2 celebrated a birthday over the weekend. I'm really glad that she doesn't feel too old to hug her mom. Yet.

next

My poor Farm Boy is bearing the brunt of our busy life and his 'ailing' wife. Poor, poor Farm Boy.

A Post About Nothing in Particular..

Since I don't know how to blog about what I really want to blog about (not comfortable putting other people's issues... or my issues with those other people... out there at this point in time), I guess I'll blog about nothing at all in particular.

So, in no particular order, here we go:

1) I find a certain commercial for a product that shall be pseudo-named SOTOX* highly contradictory. The tag line is something along the lines of "SOTOX gives you the freedom to express yourself."

Really? I thought it froze your face so that you COULDN'T really express much. Did anyone watch Halle Berry try to cry when she accepted the Oscar? How about Nicole Kidman? That woman can hardly muster more than THREE total facial expressions anymore. Actually, it might be closer to TWO.
I don't think SOTOX gives you the freedom to express yourself. If anything, it might give you the freedom to hide what you really think... and I think that I love my laugh lines and forehead crinkles too much to inject poison into my face. I've earned them.
I'm sorry if you're into that kind of thing, but don't you kind of wonder what the long term effects might be?? Every other year, some new study comes out to contradict some old study... and you just know that horrible side effects of using SOTOX will be unearthed someday soon. I'm just sayin'.


2) I usually listen to the Today show while I'm getting ready for work... and I have to say I really, really like Meridith Vieira. SUCH an improvement over Katie C., in my opinion. She is always gracious to the people she interviews, whether it's a Head of State or some fool who drove through a living room.
What I really appreciate about her the most, I think, is that I don't know where she stands politically. With Katie, you always knew. As a journalist, I like Meredith's objectivity. She still asks the questions that need to be asked, but they don't seem so much like interrogation coming from her. Her questions and follow-ups are smooth and well-delivered (do you hear that, Ann Curry? Are you writing this down?).
Considering that this show has become pretty much a "soft" news show, I think she handles her assignments pretty well... from the week of horror at Virginia Tech to cooking with the Take Home Chef. Meridith gets a thumbs up from me.

3) My stomach is a churning, rumbling, painful disaster. I know it's stress. Duh. Stressful time of year. Got it.

What I worry about is that my sister, at the tender age of about 33, had to have her gallbladder removed. She let it go on for so long... she almost died. Now, she and I are two completely different people. I eat healthy foods and include a good balance of veggies and fruits. Fried stuff and fast food are not my thing. She, on the other hand, has very bad eating habits and freely admits it. Her food groups are fast food, chocolate, diet soda, and chocolate. Eating a handful of oreos for breakfast is par for her.**
A couple of weeks ago, I experienced a kind of stomach pain that I'd never felt before. It was very high and wasn't really any version of nausea I'd ever had. Really, it was more like pressure... but it got so bad, I couldn't sleep or even lie down. The only position that felt comfortable was sitting, doubled-over. It did go away, but since then, I've had similar pain...just not as intense. Knowing my sister's experience is either making me more aware of what this could be... or it could be scaring me hypochondriacally into making the pain even worse. 'Cause now I have ONE MORE THING TO WORRY ABOUT! gah.

So, my dilemma is this-- do I wait until after May is over, and, subsequently, all my major stressors are out of the picture? or do I attempt to schedule a doctor appointment and get things checked out, even though I don't have any time to go?


And there you are. A post about nothing particularly in particular.***



*Yes, I'm a chicken. I'm changing the name so I don't get any nasty emails. Like they read my blog, but whatever.

**My sister is actually pretty hilarious; and even though she eats like crap, her food issues make for some very funny little anecdotes. Like, when her students know she's in a bad mood, Snickers bars magically appear on her desk. Apparently, parting with chocolate or facing a cranky Ms. B is an easy decision those kids make!

*** Because if you're going to overuse a word, you might as well go for the gusto.

35 More Days...

In thirty-six more days, I'll be normal again. That seems like a long time from now, actually.

However, there ARE things to celebrate:

1. Grad class = OVER. Won't know my grade for a while...but stick a fork in it, I'm DONE. For this semester anyway.

2. Daughter #1 performed admirably in this past week's district music contest. I'm so proud!

3. Daughter #2 survived a church camp retreat this past weekend. She came home sunburnt, a little scratched up, and very tired... but in one piece.

4. I did not turn into Daffy Duck, nor did I curl up into a fetal position and drool excessively.

5. I can fit into all my old summer clothes that I haven't been able to wear for about three years. They're not exactly in style, but I'm a FRUMP, right? Who cares! My skinny clothes fit! SUPER W00T!!!

6. I might actually have a little time to read blogs this week! I miss you all a lot!

Life is good. Busy, but good. :-)

One of Two Things Is Going to Happen...

I’m either going to go absolutely butt-nutty and bounce around while laughing maniacally, ala Daffy Duck,

OR...

...my husband will find me curled up in the fetal position, convulsing periodically, and drooling excessively. I may or may not need adult diapers in that scenario.

I know I tend to make mountains out of molehills, but this is a really stressful week for me. If I can just make it to next Wednesday without completely losing it, I will consider that quite an accomplishment.

Until then, I will probably not be posting much. Again. Quelle surprise.

I really do love blogging, and I miss it so much right now! More than posting, I miss reading all YOUR blogs. My guess is that I will be a hit-or-miss blogger from now until at least the first week in June. Wah. That makes me sad.

In the meantime, could you all send me some good juju so that I may a) find a few additional hours in the day to get everything done, b) pass my grad class final, c) find enough time to finish my grad class final project, d) keep up with my kids' activities this weekend/next week, and e) stop screaming at everyone like the banshee I've become.

If you could just do that, I would be ever so grateful. Thanks in advance.

Like A Whirlpool, It Never Ends...

Well, I'm back. Kind of.

Google Reader just looked at me today and said, "Don't act like you know me. Biotch."

100+ missed posts to catch up with... don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. Boo.

So here's what I think today:

1. I should quit my nice-paying-yet-highly-stressful job and go work at Burger King. Or maybe Barnes & Noble. Yeah, that would be better.

2. Yay, Larry Birkhead. I knew it.

3. Filing an extension on your taxes is for wussies. Yes, Farm Boy, this means you.

4. Anyone who takes a grad class the same semester her child graduates ought to have her head examined. Twice.

5. I didn't get to go on my photo retreat, so I'm rescheduling. Anyone have any idea when the weather will get nice again??? And when I say nice, I mean NOT freezing???

6. 9 more weeks until I can shed my basket-case-status. That's not too bad, right? Right???

That's about it, I guess. Be patient with me as I slog through the numerous posts I've missed in the last week. Wow. Y'all write a LOT. :-)

Calgon Is Not Helping These Days...

I'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen... if it could respond to me, it would probably say, "Why so forlorn, lady?"

Do you ever just get to the place where you're so worn down, so busy, so tired that you can't even see straight? I should be doing a million other things right now instead of posting, but I just can't even decide where to start. My eyes are brimming with tears most days due to sheer frustration, but reading your funny comments and posts are a nice escape. :-)

Between work and the rest of "life," I just feel like I'm constantly scrambling. There hasn't been one day/night in the last few weeks when we didn't have SOMETHING going on. Laundry hasn't been done. The house hasn't been vacuumed or dusted or properly picked up in ages. I feel like I'm at the center of the storm, and it's not a good place to be.

I'm pretty sure that I haven't had more than 15 minutes a day total to talk to my husband. Most nights, if we haven't had time to talk much during the day, we spend about an hour or so talking. Lately, one of us has fallen sound asleep before the other even gets to bed. Thank God for cell phones, or else we would never talk anymore.

In trying not to be a whiner, I've just taken on too much myself. My ex wants to be involved in the DECISIONS made about things the kids are doing, but he isn't involving himself in the day-to-day tasks that need to be done. I'm tired of being his secretary, tracking everything for him that pertains to the children. Guess what, buddy? Call your kids more often. Talk to them and ask them the questions. Don't ask me to keep you informed... and then complain that the kids never call you. You are the adult. Make the effort, because they're kids. Their priorities are not the same as yours or mine.

It's pretty stupid of me to try to work full-time, parent full-time, take a grad class, go to all our kids' activities, play keyboard and sing occasionally at church, act as a taxi cab for the child who doesn't drive, keep everyone's schedules straight... and what's that other thing I have to do? Oh, yeah. SLEEP. Did you notice that working out isn't in that list? I'm embarrassed to say how long it's been since I even stepped on the treadmill.

If we could afford for me to quit my job or just go half-time, I would in a heartbeat. I'd be very happy to not work until the last kid graduated from high school, but it's not realistic. Especially considering we'll be helping four kids through college.

Okay. I think I'm done now. I'm not looking for advice or anything. Just needed some whine time. Believe me, I'm fairly certain the people around me in "real life" are tired of hearing about it. The thing is... I'm not going through anything BAD. I should be happy that I'm sooooo busy, because that means things are good in our life. Our oldest daughter is graduating from high school. Our youngest is getting confirmed in our church. And even though we don't see them as often as we like, our two middle kids are involved in their school athletics and activities. That wasn't happening a couple of years ago, because of other "ex" issues I won't go into now. No one is sick. No one is without the basic needs for survival. I'm just stressed out and need to shut up and deal with it.

So, my Bloggy Friends, I guess I only wanted to bend your ear for a bit. I promise to come back this weekend as snarky as usual.

Thanks for listening.