Friday, September 29, 2006

A "So That's How It Is" Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why is this quote from Roz of Monsters Inc. the first thing I can think about after looking at comments? "You're stunned silence is very reassuring."

WHY#2: Why do those women from the Yaz commercial annoy me so much? I think it's the fact that I don't sit around in bars with my girlfriends discussing birth control. I don't know... maybe it's just me.

WHY #3: Why, after hearing that Screech has an 'accidentally released' sex tape, did I think, "Hmmm... accidentally?" Eww. And if you read the article in the link, DOUBLE Ewww.

WHY #4: Why didn't I think of this sooner?!? Everyone needs a pirate-decorated cubicle. Everybody.

WHY #5: Why don't some people use common sense? Oh, yeah... because very few people HAVE common sense anymore. Four eighth-grade girls in Marion, Indiana are learning that lesson the hard way, after they were suspended for dressing exactly alike. Principal of the school assumes they dress alike because they are in a gang. Wha? Isn't that what 8th grade girls DO?

Good thing our principals were clueless when I was in 8th grade. We all wore our Gloria Vanderbilts or Sasson jeans with our Izod polo shirts, collars up of course, and requisite brown penny loafers. Those preppie gangs were bad ass, man. TOTALLY.

And that concludes this week's Friday Why Files. Hope you all have a nice weekend.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

You need to know the FACTS...

Okay. I’m hoping that the events of the last week are almost behind me. It would be nice to be able to get up in the morning and just take care of my family, then go to work. Suffice it to say/type that everything will be resolved soon, and that I’m tired of other people who have no sensitivity regarding how they are affecting other people’s lives. But that’s enough about that already.

Let’s have a post about something that is extremely serious... and about which people (not just women) should educate themselves NOW.

It’s HPV. HPV is the Human papillomavirus (and for those of you wondering, NO… this is not the reason for my recent ‘troubles.’ And thank God for that!).

RUN, don’t walk to this website:

This infection isn’t just an annoyance. Sometimes, it goes away. Sometimes, it doesn’t. HPV’s role in cervical and other cancers isn’t something that we hear a lot about in the media. There aren’t any celebrities wearing ribbons at awards ceremonies for HPV research. But this silent monster is everywhere, and very few people are talking about it. Very few people know the facts… and the facts are staggering.

Anyone, male or female, can contract HPV. Men can give it to women, and vice versa. Unfortunately for women, it's much more dangerous to us.

The only preventive measure? No genital contact. Period. Or monogamous contact with someone who has been tested and is uninfected. That’s scary. Really scary.

If you are among the very few people who are aware of HPV, you may know there’s an HPV vaccine that’s been in the news. That seems like pretty good news... but did you know that the vaccine only offers protection from FOUR of the nearly 50 types of HPV?

When I was a teenager, the chances of contracting a sexually-transmitted disease was about 1 in 32.

The statistics today (which vary, depending upon whose information you’re reading) are more like 1 in 3.

Take a look at the person to your right, then look at the person to your left. Chances are, one of you has an STD. That STD might be something that is merely annoying... or more likely, it might be something that will affect the rest of your life.

No one can make decisions for you. You are the owner of all your choices. All I ask of you is that you educate yourself before you make choices. Please read about HPV, and tell your friends to read about it. We need this information to reach more people.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

When It Rains, It Pours... Right On My Head.

In my quest to keep this an 'anonymous' blog, I've discovered that I am severely limiting what I can post about. And that sucks. Big time. On the other hand, the anonymity allows me to post about things I wouldn't allow myself to do if my real name were actually somewhere on this thing.

Really, though... there are two things happening right now that I can't blog about, and they are pretty big things in my life. (Don't ask me to tell you, because I won't.) I'm just extremely frustrated, and I'm pretty helpless to do anything about it. Gah.

Oh, and guess what I received in the mail today? A jury summons. To report Monday. As in YESTERDAY. Holy Hell. I can't catch a break.

Hopefully, I won't be going to jail for skipping out of jury duty... considering, I DIDN'T EVEN GET THE BLOODY SUMMONS UNTIL TODAY!!!

Okay. I think I'll stop screaming now. I'm going to go crawl into the fetal position and cry for a while.

Monday, September 25, 2006

You're a Bad Microbe!!

This guy is the reason I am eating worse than I usually do... as in, I haven't eaten a salad in over a week and a half.

Do you recognize him?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Shoes, Glorious Shoes...

These are, quite possibly, the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned. And because the company who makes them (rhymes with Kvetchers) doesn't sell them in stores or even on their website anymore (they're last year's 'model'), imagine my elation when I was able to find them on

Those are, also quite possibly, the pastiest, whitest ankles ever to have been displayed on a blog. I don't know for a fact... but I'm just sayin'.

The Shortest Ever Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why couldn't I post a picture of my other dog the last few days? I don't know... but here's another attempt. This is Diego, staring at me, pleading for me to come snuggle with him, eye-boogers and all.

WHY #2: How do people this stupid actually function on a day-to-day basis? Does he write "Breathe In" on his left hand and "Breathe Out" on his right hand? What happens when he wears gloves? Does he pass out???

Drunk man threatens bikers, then runs himself over with his own car. WHAT a dumbass.

WHY #3: Why am I sitting here when I should be in the shower, getting ready for work?

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Fall, Mouth Ulcers, Creepy Baristas, and Doggie Jealousy...

Ah... too much to tell about the last few days, so four mini-posts will have to do today.

1. I love Fall. Yes, I've mentioned it many times before, and it's usually due to the fabulous temperatures (cooler weather) and beautiful colors. But it's also for the clothes. My favorite 'uniform' is jeans and a sweater. Or, if I'm dressing down more, jeans and a sweatshirt. Comfy=good.

In the last two days, I have been 'complimented' on my outfits, each time leading to a "Have you lost weight?" Well, no, I don't think I have. There was that bout with the stomach flu last week, but no. I have not lost a substantial amount of weight. HOWEVER, with cooler weather comes longer pants as well as structured jackets. With longer pants come higher-heeled shoes. Therefore, with the arrival of fall weather comes the illusion of a slimmer figure. Yay, Fall!

2. I bit the left side of my cheek a couple of days ago. Ouchie. I bit it HARD. And I bit it hard enough that it has become swollen... so I continue to keep biting it. Now, a canker sore (aka mouth ulcer) is developing, which means everything I eat or drink produces mind-searing pain. So, I bought this mouth sore gel tonight called Zilactin-B. It works pretty well, but I have to tell you... in order to get to 6 hours pain-free, you have to endure 30 seconds of sheer torture (read here: feeling like a hole is burning through your cheek). Eh.

3. What is it with coffee barista people? They are so freaking friendly. Not like, "Hi. Have a nice day with your coffee/tea" friendly. I mean, "Hi, I really hope you enjoy your skinny latte while I wink at you and give you a look that will make you feel like I'm trying to seduce you but really that's just how I roll" friendly. It's just this side of being utterly creepy.

4. Diego was jealous that Paco was the star of the last post, so I have to show you how cute and adorable he is. He's also a total mama's boy who sits and stares at me the minute I get home, because he wants to go to bed already. He won't stop staring at me until I actually sit down on the bed so that he can then snuggle under the comforter and plaster himself to my right side. Unfortunately, Blogger is being a pain in the ass, and I can't upload his photo. :-( Maybe later...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Please, Mom... just two hours more...

Apparently, one of my dogs is not a morning 'dog,' either (see my previous post). Every morning when we get up to go to work, we get the dogs up to go outside. Our chihuahua jumps out of bed and runs outside. He's just as happy to go back to bed, but we have NO trouble getting him up in the morning.

Our other dog, a rat terrier/min pin mix ... not so much. He sleeps in a kennel at night, and we literally have to drag him out of it in the morning. If you don't get the door closed immediately, he sneaks right back in. When we finally get him out of the kennel, he slowly moseys outside, does his business, then scampers right back in the house to return to his doggie bed in the kennel. It's hilarious. This picture is him in his little bed, looking at me, pleading with me to let him sleep just a little bit more.

On weekends, this dog will sleep in until 10am... I'm not exaggerating. He's such a baby!

Monday, September 18, 2006

"Attention Morning People: Be Perky at Your Peril"*

Have I ever mentioned before that I hate mornings? Have I ever mentioned before that I hate Mondays? (Well, except those Mondays that are holidays. Those are okay). So, there's a double whammy for this morning. Gah.

I need to find a job that allows me to sleep in mornings and stay up later -- to about 2 or 3am. I didn't get to sleep in past 8:00 this entire weekend. Boooo!

I know I've posted before about morning people vs. night owl people (I'm just too lazy to dig back through the archives to find it). I'm going to say this again: morning people do not "GET" night owl people.

If one more person says to me, "Gee... I just don't understand why anyone would want to sleep in. I spring out of bed, ready to start my day. I'm so excited to have that morning time!"... I will have to throw my morning-wake-me-up-green-tea at them.

I respect that you love mornings. Please respect that I don't.

*This is printed on my new coffee/tea cup that I purchased at Hallmark this weekend. I'd say it fits me pretty well.

Friday, September 15, 2006

A "Dude, I'm SO bored" Friday Why Files...

I have to admit... I rarely blog while I'm at work. I don't usually have time. But today? *yawn* See my sidebar under "Learning..."

WHY #1: Why, upon hearing that Miss Whitney had filed for divorce from Bobby, did I wonder… “Hmmm. Will we ever hear her yell ‘KISSMYASS’ at anyone ever again? Or what about ‘Hell to the NO!’ Will she still be as crazy?”

WHY #2: Why is Ann Curry so DARN insightful?? While I was watching Meredith Viera’s debut on the Today show, Ann cut in with yet another astute observation:
“I really feel bad for the child because when parents divorce it can be very hard on the children,” noted Ann. Yep. That’s why she reports the news, folks.

Thanks to Kiana for the reminder email!!

WHY #3: Why don’t they show more of Tim Gunn on Project Runway? I mean, honestly! The guy is hi-LAR-ious! If you haven’t checked out his podcast, you need to. I love it when he cracks himself up on the podcast, and when he uses terms like “riotous cacophony.” Plain and simple... I love Tim Gunn.

WHY #4: Why is everyone in Britain in such a tizzy about the new Tories logo? So they paid £40,000 for the new scribbled tree that looks like a toddler drew it… and also a little like broccoli. Have you ever flown into Manchester? The trees do look a little like broccoli from the air.

WHY #5: Why, on nearly every web page I visit, do I find the ad with an animated couple “dancing” in front of a giant full moon? Have you seen this? They don’t actually look like they’re dancing. It’s almost a little obscene. Call me dirty-minded… but EEEEK. Okay, maybe the female animation isn’t that bad. But watch the male animation. It’s just a little creepy.

Oddly enough, if you go to their website, they don’t have that ad anywhere on their site.

And that concludes today’s Friday Why Files. Before you go, please enjoy the poignant stylings of someone who had a great influence in my life… Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Listen, do you want to know a secret...

Has anyone seen those new commercials for Secret deodorant? You know... "Share your Secret?"

The first one, where the daughter tells her mother, "Dad took me to get a tattoo." Mom's expression and reaction was pretty funny... so, I thought, Eh. These aren't so bad.

The one that was on today, though? One's secret is that she doesn't ever want children, and the other's is that she's 4 months pregnant.

Can anyone even understand these women? They're crying... they're talking in that high, dolphin frequency that women use when they're crying and trying to talk. Blech. Do I need this kind of emotional outburst from a commercial for deodorant?!?

I don't know... what do you think? Good? Bad?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

And I've Never Been to Boston in the Fall*...

Thanks for all the nice comments while I was under the weather... you people are kewl. ;-)

Since I did go back to work today... which means I had to do today's work, plus everything I missed yesterday... my brain is a little dead. I don't have much for this bloggy thing here. So, we'll have to settle for a few observations I've made in the past couple of days:

1. There is a big (HUGE!) difference between "water-resistant" and "waterproof" when it comes to sitting at a football game for 4.5 hours in the rain. Big. Huge.

2. When you forget about how to keep your hands dry in the deluge, you notice that your skin actually becomes quite translucent, in addition to puckering around your fingertips. It's an odd look at best.

3. You realize that you are somewhat unkind after laughing at the idiots who wore white pants with their red shirts at the downpour, I mean, football game... the kind of red shirts that, when wet, will "bleed" onto anything white. Like white pants. Definitely unkind. Still funny, though.

4. When you are sick and all alone at home, you realize that it's okay to cry a little during a movie you thought was supposed to be all-funny-all-the-time, but turns out to be a total chick flick. Nobody saw those tears.

5. Thank you, whoever you are, for the invention of On Demand Digital Cable. I was not stuck watching the usual drivel that comprises daytime TV. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

6. Even if you don't eat a thing for 24 hours, the stomach flu doesn't care. Yeah... you're still making that trip, and you know exactly where it is.

7. When you're not feeling well, and your teenagers sing anything from the Silly Songs With Larry CD, one of those songs will make you smile. At first. Then you'll be cursing Larry and all the other Veggies for those damn songs that are now permanently stuck in your head!!! We're the pirates who don't do anything... Gah.

8. If you're so sick that you can't even sit at the computer to read a few blogs... you're going to get WAYYYYY behind. :-(

That's it. That's all I got.

*See number 7.

Monday, September 11, 2006


I have the stomach flu... which means that I feel okay for an hour, then I feel like hell for two hours. Then I feel good for an hour. Then I feel like hell for two hours.

This has been my day so far.

Missing work vs. daytime TV?

Let's call it a draw. :-( At least I have On Demand.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The "Do I Really Want to Commit to this Weekly" Edition of Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why, after viewing pictures of Suri Cruise, did thoughts of Damien, The Omen child pop into my head? You know we can't talk about her father, though, right??? That breaks the rules on this blog. If you absolutely must refer to him, you must call him Tomas Crazy. Got it?

WHY #2: Why does a football team FALL one point in the rankings after beating a not-so-cupcake-ish team by 39 points? Especially while another team barely beats another kind-of-cupcake-ish team by only 7 points and is still rated higher. I'll tell you why... early season rankings in college football are a joke. Did anyone even watch the Notre Dame game? And they're still ranked as high as #4 in one poll. Puh-leeze.

WHY #3: Why... okay, some investigative reporters are jerks, but seriously? Why? This guy gets the hell beat out of him! If you're already being investigated for shady dealings, why would you assault some guy... ON CAMERA?!?!

WHY #4:

Why does this guy remind me of a big-mouth bass? And I don't even fish. I do like (not love) the Steelers, and I have nothing against Bill Cowher. I just can't watch him talk. Ever. Photo Credit: TSN Canada.

WHY #5: Ummm... yeah. I can't even describe this one without getting sick to my stomach. You'll just have to read it yourself. And I thought my gastro-noises were loud.

This concludes today's Friday Why Files. Maybe I should make these Saturday Why Files. Or Sunday Why Files. Friday seems to be a tough day to post. I don't know... what do you think?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Sweet Mother... it's DELICIOUS!

A few months ago, the Food Network was showing some contest where people were competing for a new Häagen-Dazs flavor. The Farm Boy and I watched it somewhat half-heartedly... we weren't really all that into it. At first.

The more we watched, the more we couldn't stop watching. It's kind of like that scene in Tommy Boy when the Carpenters song, Superstar,* comes on the radio... and neither Richard nor Tommy really wants to switch to another radio station. In the next scene, they're both singing their hearts out:

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby!
You said you'd be coming back this way again maybe!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, awww baby!
I lo--oove you! I really do!"

Ah, but I digress. So, Farm Boy and I are watching this Häagen-Dazs show, both of us saying to the other that it would be okay if the other changed the channel... but not really meaning it.

The flavor that I wanted to win didn't win. Funny how I thought I'd know which flavor would be best... just by watching it on tv. Puh-leeze. I don't even remember which flavor I was rooting for.. it might have been cannoli, but I honestly don't even remember.

Anyway, as I was shopping yesterday, I walked past the ice cream aisle and noticed I was in the Häagen-Dazs section. I looked to see if the winning flavor was there... and it was. So, I thought, "what the hell. I'll buy it and try some."

The flavor is called Sticky Toffee Pudding.

And... Holy Frozen Mouth-Watering Delight, Batman! It's SCRUMPTIOUS. You should try it.

*I know, there are a lot of links in this one... but this one is a YouTube video of Karen Carpenter singing this song. If you can get past the 70s hair and dress... that girl could SING.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Words of Wisdom...

These are just some of the thoughts that passed through my brain the last couple of days. As usual, it's me being all haughty and know-it-all, but some things just need to be said (and, of course, I didn't actually say them when I had the chance):

1. Just because you, an adult woman, are ABLE to fit into the clothes teenagers wear, doesn't mean that you SHOULD. Oh, and if you are in your 60s and can't actually WALK in those spiky stilettos, just say no.

2. If you have more monthly debt than take-home pay, you should not splurge on something you want but do not need. Easier said than done, I know. But if you complain constantly about the fact that you have no money, and your credit history prevents you from making necessary purchases... don't splurge.

3. If you knew what you were getting into... don't complain about it after the fact.

4. Remember... 13 is a difficult age. It's even more difficult when you're the youngest one in the family. Cut her some slack every once in a while. Yes, she's annoying, but she's 13. That's her JOB.

5. Please don't drive like an arse. Yes, we see your big, shiny, yellow and black-striped monster truck with the over-sized tires and gleaming metal exhaust pipe. How could we not? Accelerating past us on a short road doing about 60 (in a 25 mph zone) is not making you look cool. It's making you look stupid.

6. Don't laugh at Andre Agassi and call him a crybaby. That standing ovation after a 21-year, very successful career would make you cry too. Besides, he earned it.

7. Be kind to each other. Yes, sarcasm can be funny... but let's just, for one day, be nice.

On another note... I am so sad about Steve Irwin. You can say what you want about his style... whether you agreed with it/liked it or not... but the man did SO much for wildlife conservation and education. What a loss. :-(

Saturday, September 02, 2006

If you just skim through this post, please read #6...

1. My team plays today with their season opener. YAY!!!! I'm sooooo excited. I'm watching them on TV this afternoon (while eating two large orders of "The Works" nachos from the best Tex-Mex restaurant in the world), and then I'll be at the stadium for next week's game. Woot!

2. Something odd has happened to me. I have always been a die-hard football fan. It was burned into my soul from birth (my father had a lot to do with that). But, oddly enough, even though I'm very excited for my team to be playing... I can't stop getting excited for hockey season to start, too. Our local semi-pro team doesn't even start until October... but am I actually looking forward more to that than the football season? No, that would be blasphemy. (Shh... I think I might be, though!)

3. One of the singing groups my daughter is in sang for a midwest Red Hat Ladies convention this morning. Oh. My. God. I've never seen so much red and purple in one room. One of the boys whispered to me, "Holy cow. It's a cult!" That made me giggle a little.

4. I can't tell you the number of times this week that I've had a GREAT idea for a post. Usually, they come to me while I'm driving in my car or sitting through one of my countless, endless meetings. I never write them down or anything, and then they leave my brain just as quickly as they entered. So, just figure that I had at least three award-winning posts this week that I completely forgot about. Gah.

5. I didn't have any Friday files to post yesterday, plus I ran out of time to actually search for a few. They'll be back next week.

6. If you are in the states somewhere, and if you're not a regular Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon watcher, please consider surfing over to that station on your tube... watch a little... and also please consider donating. My family has been involved with the Muscular Dystrophy Association for a little over 30 years. My mom's best friend had a son with MD, and he just passed away last year. This will be the first time we watch the telethon since his passing... and while we know he's finally at peace and RUNNING around on cloud somewhere... it will still be a little bittersweet. MDA has made huge strides in the past 30 years, but they still need our support.

If you don't watch the telethon and would like to just donate, please go here:
MDA Online Donation Form.

Happy Labor Day Weekend! And for those of you who don't have a Labor Day on Monday, we'll be sure to drink a few margaritas for you while you're working. You can thank me later.