Today’s post is part of Blog Share and was written by an anonymous writer. To see the other anonymous posts today, see -R-'s Blog Share list.
I might want to rig up a flux capacitor and take the scenic route down the path not taken.
I'd like to travel back in time and change some things, see how they'd play out if I did just one thing differently. Maybe. Maybe I wouldn't change anything at all, but sometimes I'd really like to have the chance.
I probably shouldn't have gone crazy with the neon clothing in the 80s. I thought it was fun! Or not.
That "bi-level" haircut that was all the rage, combined with a growing-out perm? Maybe that was a bad call. Or not.
Changing that college major from Pre-Med? Maybe that wasn't the wisest choice. Maybe I could be a wealthy doctor right now. Or not.
Turning down a part-time job my dad wanted me to take, 'cause it seemed to me to be dead-end and no-fun? A job that turned into a high-profile career for the person who DID take it? Maybe I should have given it a shot. Or not.
Not realizing in time that one of my college classmates was flirting with me for REAL, and not just kidding around? Maybe I could be the wife of a reasonably wealthy optometrist right now. (He ended up marrying one of my friends, despite her extremely cold feet, and they ended up very bitterly divorced. Maybe they both could have been spared.) Or not.
Maybe I should have been more patient with the sweet, goofy, brilliant young guy who loved me 20 years ago. Maybe the fact that he couldn't make himself a sandwich, or keep track of the car keys, or take a shower without flooding the bathroom, or wrap his brain around the fact that sometimes, love ISN'T enough, sometimes you need, oh...a place to live and money to buy food, maybe those things should NOT have made me so ready to push him away and break his heart. Maybe I should have hung in there with him. But, you know, I was young, too. And I was H-O-T hot. There'd be plenty of other good guys wanting to love me, right? Or not.
I definitely should NOT have dated that pathological liar, no matter how intense the physical chemistry. Of course, really good pathological liars don't reveal themselves right away, so there might not have been any escape from that particular trap. But if I had it to do over again, I'd try to be more alert, damn it. Maybe it wouldn't take me six months to figure it all out. Maybe I'd be smarter. Or not.
I definitely should not have let my post-pathological liar vulnerability convince me it was a good idea to let an ex back in my life. He was an ex for a reason--namely, because he disappeared from my life without a trace and stayed away for two years. When he showed up wanting to apologize for the way he treated me, I should have graciously accepted his apology (hey, I can be the bigger person) and sent him on his way. His then MARRIED way. But at the time, he seemed sincere about wanting to clear the air and be "friends." And then later, he seemed sincere about wanting to end his marriage. Or NOT.
Maybe I shouldn't have put my feet in those stirrups on that cold February morning long ago and exercised every woman's right to choose.
Maybe I should have been less scared.
Maybe I should have been stronger.
Maybe I should have trusted that it would all work out, somehow.
But certainly there would be other chances--chances to do it RIGHT, wouldn't there?
Or not.
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15 comments:
Wow. That post covered so much, and blew me away at the end.
The choices we make lead us where we are today, and I hope you find yourself in a good place today.
Very powerful post.
I think I spend way too much time looking back on choices I've made. I'm working on that. Thanks for this post.
We make so many choices every day that I just try not to think about it. Your writing is really beautiful.
Oh, the "what if I'd..." game. I play it all the time. I like to trace one thing back as far as I can, to recall each decision I made that led me to the next and then wonder in what completely different place I'd be if I hadn't done that one seemingly inconsequential thing ten years ago.
You can play that game as long as you want, but there's no sense torturing yourself with the possible outcomes. For everything you gain, you lose something else. For everything you lose, you gain something else. Life is a series of strange trade-offs, like a choose-your-own-adventure book. If you hadn't done (or had done) one of the things you listed, you might have missed out on something else great. Also, by doing (or not doing) the things you did, you might have dodged a bullet you don't even know about.
There's no telling in advance what decisions in life are right or less-right. All you can do is keep going forward and hoping for the best.
I've made some "interesting" choices in my life, but I'm good with where I'm at now and ultimately things have worked out for the best. But it's fun to wonder...
I think that all of the things I've wondered "or not" about have made me into the woman I am today.
I can't say it any better than Stefanie just did, but i do this pretty constantly, too.
Great post.
I love the post. I love the fact that you just allowed yourself to look back and wonder what if, but came to the conclusions you did. The Or Nots.
I always think about that movie Sliding Doors, like there are all these alternate realities floating around out there. The What Ifs of NPW's life. I don't know if I'd want to see them.
Wow. I'm blown away. I wish I could hug you!
Yeah, I love that movie Sliding Doors too.
Thank you for this. I found this so incredibly moving, and so appropriate for what goes on in my head sometimes.
Thank you, Anonymous Blog Share Blogger, for sharing this with us. There are so many "What If's" in our lives... and I find myself questioning a lot of choices I've made, too. I've spent a lot of years learning that there is/was a reason for all the choices, even if I don't understand or realize what the reasons are.
Kudos to you. Brilliant post. :-)
Very decisive. :) I bet we all feel those maybe, maybe nots.
All of these things are what make you you. We all have lists of regrets. Before I get too hung up on mine, I remember I like myself and that these events are all elements of what make me me.
I guess it's not fair that I knew who you were instantly, but we do share that one brain. Yes, we did some very silly, well, stupid things individually and together over the years, but the fun times were truly fun and continue to be so. The not so good range from the ridiculous (I'll take the rap for most of those) to the not AS ridiculous. Okay, some downright stupid. Sorry about that time I disappeared for months. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you being my BFF and letting me know to wipe the crazy off my face before we go out in public. And thank for being the one constant that reminds me I actually have someone to witness my life, therefore rendering it (and me) significant. (That last part was paraphrased from "Company"). In short, thank you.
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