Friday, December 08, 2006

A Christmas Letter I'd Like to Read...

julie_gong commented in my last post, regarding the fact that I will be writing a Christmas letter to send to family and friends. She and her family love reading those letters aloud with the main purpose of getting a good laugh at them. And I agree with her... these days, many Christmas letters are lame excuses to brag up your [job, accomplishments, kids, possessions] to the point that the recipient gradually begins to either a) feel inadequate, or b) call bullshit. (what?!? is this a swearing blog?!?)

I promise I will not be that Christmas-letter-writer-er. (it felt like it needed another "er")

So, why do people use the Christmas letter to tell us how amazing their lives are? Why can't they be more realistic? Sure, brag up your kids, etc. ... but then tell the truth, too.

Here's one I'd like to think is lingering out there somewhere:

Greetings from the Smith Family!

Hope the year has been good to you! I sure know it has been absolutely AMAZING for us!

Emma was the homecoming queen this year. She has a perfect grade point average in high school, is first in her class, and she will have a full ride to Harvard next year. Everyone just loves her! Jacob is on the champion club soccer team this year, and the girls in his class literally swoon every time he walks by. He's just getting so handsome! Everyone's SO jealous of our wonderful, fantastic children. Of course, there was that slight issue with the arrest, and the other problem with the positive reading on the EPT test, but we've moved on from that now.

Mother has moved in with us recently. We truly feel that our children will benefit from the intergenerational experience. She's also doing ever so much better since the attempted murder charges were dropped. Luckily, Dad doesn't hold a grudge for too long. Oh! And his gunshot wounds are healing nicely! He should be out of the hospital and back to his favorite cabin in no time. Good thing Mother isn't really a good shot.

My doctors are still trying to diagnose my symptoms. They're just not really sure what's wrong. My symptoms generally range from inappropriate happiness to bulging eyes, and occasionally, loss of contact with reality. But I know they'll figure something out soon! Meanwhile, the grapefruit diet is REALLY doing the trick!*

Anyhoo... that's all from us. We want to wish you a Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzaaKuh and a Happy New Year!

With Love, Kathy, Emma, Jacob, Grandma Ruth, Rags the Dog, Bananas the Kitty, Mr. Stripey the Fish, Lego the Lizard, and Nellie the Alpaca Smith

Now THAT'S a good holiday letter!

*This is my shout-out to maliavale and one of my favorite posts of all time. :-)


therevhead said...

I like it!

Remember to add the little handwritten bit at the end to personalise it!

Anonymous said...

We always get the perfect family's letter every year. I try to calculate the amount of time required to do everything they do in one year. Like you, I also wonder what evil it all hides.

maliavale said...

BWAH! Mr. Stripey the fish.

My family sends these out, but I think in our circle it's more of a military family kind of thing because everyone moves around so dang much!

guinness girl said...

Ha! Awesome.

I have a cousin who sends a letter out each year, mocking the typical Christmas letter. His contains things like, "Nick is composing his first symphony and appears to be merely steps away from discovering a cure for the common cold. All this at 3 years old! Addie was asked to play first-chair violin in the Minneapolis Symphony, but has opted to complete fifth grade before making a commitment." I love reading what he comes up with. :)

don't call me MA'AM said...

revvie: of course! Plus, one must find the perfect holiday scent spritzer to douse the letter in as well. It's the personal touches that mean so much! ;-)

goldennib: exactly... you know those are the ones with the most to hide. haha

maliavale: I actually like the ones that tell me what everyone's been up to, especially with the people I don't see often. But then again, I don't want to know how many successful colonoscopies Aunt Tess has had, either. We've had a few of those. Ugh!

gg: What a great idea! Now THAT I might have to steal for my letter.

Anonymous said...

I don't want to seem like the Devil so let me clarify that we only make fun of one Christmas letter. And if you read this letter you would feel obligated to do the same. (1) It is broken down by month. Every detail of every month.(2) The children of this family are those annoying perfect children who give their allowance to charities and volunteer at soup kitchens on their birthday. (3) While I have no problem with any religion they write ridiculous religious things throughout the letter. I feel it is my duty to make fun of these sort of things. I don't think your letter would be anything like this. At least I hope not... lol.

lizgwiz said...

That IS a great letter!

I don't currently have anyone sending me Christmas letters. I kind of miss them. I console myself for the loss by re-reading every year "Season's Greetings" by David Sedaris. Talk about your holiday letter from hell!

don't call me MA'AM said...

julie_gong: you are not the devil. In fact, I think most people agree with you! An update for EACH MONTH? Now that's crazy.

lizgwiz: I heart David Sedaris!

Ludicrousity said...

That's awesome!!! I think perhaps the christmas letter is an american thing. We don't do those here. I think Aussie's are too lazy really.

Anonymous said...

If I wasn't already laughing hysterically the freaking Alpaca did it for me...

Bless you for making me smile so bad...I can't wait to share this...too FUNNY!

[did you write this too?]

Anonymous said...

I LOVE it!! Ok, next year I will have to throw in some funnies - I tend to send them only to a few select people (those who send them to us, old people who enjoy them, etc). I try to be completely honest - so I guess I leave out how much of a pain my two daughters are and also that my husband's new Remote control car hobby pisses me off ... but still! LOL