Thursday, April 12, 2007

An Ode To The Evil That Is Coffee…

Coffee? Why dost thou hate me so? My heart yearns for you. Well, not really my heart… my tastebuds, actually. Yes! YES! My tastebuds yearn for your richness, your robust essence.

And yet… you mock me. You entice me with that rich aroma, those dark good looks. Most mornings, I pass you by. My willpower helps me ignore you long enough to reach for the hot water spigot that provides the goodness that becomes my green tea. Green tea does not spite me… nay, green tea makes me feel good all over. But not you. No. You do not.

When I give in to you, O Majestic Java, you chortle silently whilst supplying me that instant gratification. As I mix my Coffee Mate into your cup, you eagerly welcome your Chai or Amaretto-flavored accomplice, all the while knowing the havoc you soon will wreak on my innards. Within minutes of drinking down your creamy-tasting cruelty, my stomach says, “WTF???” Loudly. In fact, all my cubemates can hear its protesting:

Cubemate 1: WHAT was that?

Cubemate 2: Grumpy must be drinking coffee again.

Cubemate 1: [to Grumpy] Hey! Could you pipe down over there? Some of us are trying to work! If you can’t give up coffee, you’ll have to take your stomach and all its griping outside.

Me: [sheepishly] Sorry, everyone.

Mais oui, Café. This means war. Don’t think for one second that you can trick me. Your multiple personalities cannot be my friends, either. Decaf, Half-caf, “Stomach-Friendly”—they’re all just as bad as you are where it concerns my dainty, gastrointestinal anatomy.

So, I say this to you… we’re done. I am giving up on you. FOREVER! You shall no longer hold sway with me. I mean it! This is it! No more.

But… maybe I should have one more cup before we part ways for good. Kind of like break-up sex, ya know what I mean?

8 comments:

Maliavale said...

On Flickr, you can "fave" a picture that shows up forever in your list of favorites, and you can revisit it whenever you like. I wish I could "fave" this. I LOVE COFFEE WOOOO!!11 Hi. Sorry. Done now.

Margus said...

I've never understood how people can drink so much coffee.

Ludicrousity said...

I'm not a coffee person. Although I am addicted to tea.

Paisley said...

A cup of coffee makes me useless for the rest of the day, crouched in pain on the couch. icky. The pumpkin spice latte from the bucks does tempt me, though. gah!

Aimless Penguin said...

nawwwww... i've become a fan of coffee recently, trying to make sure i don't get addicted to the stuff though. too much caffeine = ick.

green tea is yum too, i miss it :(

don't call me MA'AM said...

maliavale: thanks. :-) Sweet Java wishes coming your way!

margus: well, I know I can't, but the smell and the taste are definitely inviting!

ludi: me, too! I love tea so much, but it doesn't have that intoxicating aroma that coffee has.

paisley: ooh, pumpkin spice latte is soooo yummy. Good thing they don't have it year-round!

aimless: why do you miss green tea? Can you not drink it because of the caffeine?

Poppy Cede said...

I have started swearing A LOT at work, but only to my hot officemate who is no longer my officemate. I miss him. He moved to his own office, and I soon will do the same, but somehow him no longer residing in the office with me makes me curse more. :)

Aimless Penguin said...

i was drinking green tea a lot in japan is all, haven't had it since i got back :(

and i can have caffeine, i just don't want to have to have caffeine so i try not to drink too much