Unintentional Comedy from VH1- Part Cinq

I honestly don’t know if I can go on posting these recaps, except that next week is the finale. Thank God. I have endured more excruciating singing these last few weeks than ever before. And I used to teach teenagers how to sing. And I’ve also sat through drunks at karaoke. This show is worse. MUCH worse. Oh, and my Farm Boy, Westley, threatened to leave me if this went on much longer. I promised him that next Sunday night is the last. *whew*

So… last night, we were down to the final four: Bai Ling, Carmine Gotti Agnello, Morgan Fairchild, and Michael Copon. And because the good people at VH1 are ever so gracious, they let them all sing, even though one was going home. Gracious to the singers, yes. Gracious to their audience, NO. They started the night off with duets again. I’m not going over them, because they were just too atrocious to be worthy of recounting.

Bai Ling- sang Volare. This song has been covered more than any other Euro song ever (or so I’ve read), most notably by Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and David Bowie, just to name a few. Hmmm… Bai Ling’s name with those music legends? Nah. She was aiming for sultry and seductive. She missed. Thumbs down. After her performance, Ant came out and proposed marriage to Bai. I’m like… what is he doing? He’s gay. Bai is so confused. She doesn’t know if he’s serious, so she says yes! And then she asks Ahmet Zappa (the host), “I thought he likes boys?” Unintentional comedy scale: 7.7

Carmine Gotti Agnello—sang Hey Ma by Camron. Well, he rapped most of it. Again, rapping isn’t singing, but you still have to have the talent to rap. Carmine does not. have. any. talent. Except for turning on young girls. I still haven’t figured that one out yet. Maybe it’s that whole bad boy thing. Family with mafia connections. I guess that makes him a bad boy, but I digress. Oh, yeah. And he took off his shirt. He looks like a 12 year old boy. Thumbs down.

Morgan Fairchild—sang Dusty Springfield’s Son of A Preacher Man. Before I recap this performance, you must know that this is one of my favorite songs of all time. Farm Boy, Westley, makes me sing it all the time. It IS his favorite song of all time. When they announced that Morgan would be singing it, we looked at each other and groaned. There are some songs you should just leave alone… and this is one. Having said that, the vocal coaches did an incredible job of getting this song into Morgan’s range (which is way, way, WAY low). They also cut the ending where Dusty’s voice just goes into this amazing, soulful wind-up. That helped Morgan. A lot. I gotta give Morgan a thumbs up for this, because she pulled it off! She’s still not a great singer, but she puts her all into every song.

Michael Copon- sang Nelly’s Hot in Herrre. Well. I mean, very well. This guy has continued to impress me in how he is able to sing multiple styles and really get into it. He has gone from blue PowerRanger to One Tree Hill to decent vocalist. I could buy him as a pop star/rock star. Oh, yeah. And he took off his shirt. *woot* Thumbs up.

At the end of the show, they announced the one who would not be going on. *drum roll* Bai Ling is going home. YAYYYYYYY! No more screeching cat voice! Hoorah! Huzzah! If you don’t know who she is, go to gofugyourself.com and check out the Bai Ling section. She dresses about the same as she sings.

Now, if we could just make sure that the voters don’t let Carmine win. Here’s what you do: go to VH1.com and vote for either Michael Copon or Morgan Fairchild. Vote as many times as you like… it’s free. If you could just do this for me, I would be very grateful. Thanks, chums… until next week!

What is your Thanksgiving Persona?

It's Saturday morning. I'm STILL full from Thursday's 1:00pm dinner. I may never eat again.

So, here's a fun quiz for you to discover your Thanksgiving persona: http://www.blogthings.com/whatpartofthanksgivingareyouquiz/

I'm mashed potatoes. It must be rigged or something. I doubt that anyone in my family would call me the "glue that holds everything together." Maybe I lied to myself on a couple of answers. haha

Let me know who YOU are this year, even if you don't do Thanksgiving.

Thanks to supervelma for the links to the quiz.

US Thanksgiving-- worth holiday status?

Today is Thanksgiving. I have a lot for which to be thankful... I do know that. But do I like this holiday? hmmmm....

1. Only had to work three days this week; today and tomorrow are holidays at work...Thumbs WAY up!!!
2. Getting up early today (on my day off) to start cooking my "designated" menu items... Thumbs down.
3. Watching the traditional Thanksgiving parade while cooking... undecided. It will depend on who will be lip-syncing through their latest hit.... Thumbs sideways.
4. The typical holiday feast will include turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, green bean casserole (yes, with the crunchy onions on top), veggie trays, cranberry sauce and/or cranberry/cream cheese dessert, pumpkin bread, banana bread, wheat rolls, pumpkin pie, some other kind of pie, and other multiple desserts. HAVING TO WATCH WHAT I EAT (see post below).... Thumbs down. :-(
5. Knowing I can't step foot in a shopping mall tomorrow without getting trampled to the ground... Thumbs down.
6. Knowing that every store, tv and radio commercial will be plugging Christmas non-stop from now until Dec. 25... Thumbs down.
7. Getting together today with family who will come in from out of town.... Thumbs up.
8. Going as a mega-family unit (somewhere around 30 people) to a movie later this evening... Thumbs up.

I'm kind of a schmoe for holidays... I get into all the cheesiness factors, and I really do enjoy getting together to remember why we're all thankful. Personally, I wish we would have multiple Thanksgivings a year, because it might help people realize how lucky they are more often. I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, money in my bank accounts, a job that pays me way too well, and most importantly, people who I love and who actually love me back. Even when I'm crazy. So, yeah... I guess this day deserves holiday status.

To my chums in the US... Happy Thanksgiving. To my chums outside the US... have a nice Wednesday. I'll leave you with this fabulous picture to discuss.

SMART goals and Weight Loss

Warning! Loooooooonnnnnnnggggg post ahead.

What is a SMART goal, you ask? A SMART goal is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Tangible. (This is from Paul J. Meyer's Attitude is Everything, by the way. )

What you need to know about me for this post: I am a mostly healthy eater... I don't eat fried foods or fast foods. I drink water and green tea (soda/cola and coffee are rarities). Sweets are rationed out carefully. I'm not a carb freak (as in I don't over- or under-indulge)-- I like whole grains. Food is NOT my downfall.

So, some of you might have read somewhere that I gained 20 lbs (9 kg) in one year after being misdiagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. (Gee, I'm depressed? Wow. I didn't know that. I must be miserable then!). Actually, I wasn't any of that. I had huge polyps in my sinuses that caused chronic headaches and migraines, plus severe fatigue. After firing one doctor and meeting up with another who actually TALKED and LISTENED to me... we got that all straightened out. But, the weight damage had already started. I gained almost 10 lbs while on the antidepressants, and then another 10 lbs while on steroids to shrink the polyps. Gah! My weight had been pretty stable for the past 10 years, and I was in fairly good shape. Now... not so much.

In the last six months (since the sinus surgery), I have lost 10 lbs (4.5 kg). Most of that was from getting off the steroids. But these last 10 lbs are a real bummer to lose. I keep saying, "I need to lose weight. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise more." Nothing is wrong with that, except that there is no specificity, and it's not really measurable (since I didn't say how MUCH I was going to lose by WHEN). And that's why it's been so difficult.

So, dear blog chums, I'm posting it here and now. This is my new set of SMART goals:

1. I will lose five lbs. (2.25 kg) by December 31 (yes, even around the holidays).
2. At the very least, I will exercise twice a week for 30 minutes each session (I know that seems like a lame amount, but that's a bare minimum!).
3. I will have lost 10 lbs total by February 1.

For most people, losing 5 lbs can happen overnight. Or... they can gain 5 lbs and never even notice. I'm 5'3" and tiny. When I gain 5 lbs, my pants don't fit. Now pack 20 lbs on me... I had to go buy new clothes. Talk about depressing! Oh, wait. I'm not depressed. Strike that. haha

Guru used accountability in his blog... hopefully, this will work for me. Since my normal diet is pretty good, this shouldn't be too difficult, right?

VH1’s But Can They Sing, Part Quatre

Before I recap the show, I just want to state my disdain for American TWEEN girls. These girls are in the 10-13 year old age group, and my guess is they are the only thing keeping Carmine Gotti Agnello in this show. No, wait… he’s not only still in the show, he’s in the LEAD. Yes, as in most votes even AFTER he caterwauls like a stoned tomcat who is three days malnourished.
Who is Carmine Gotti Agnello you ask? EXACTLY. He is the grandson of the “last” crimeboss/mobster, John Gotti. Why should he be any kind of a celebrity just for that fact alone? EXACTLY. His mom, Victoria Gotti, is the star of her own celebrity/reality show, Growing Up Gotti. Carmine also stars in the show. So, let me see… Gramps was a NY mob boss, convicted and incarcerated, and later died in prison after serving only 10 years. Mom is a mafia princess on a reality show. I don’t really see any other “redeeming” factors to relate about her. Carmine is her son. That’s about it. I’m posting a picture of him so you can try, try, try to see why these little girls all love him so much and therefore vote and vote and vote. ‘Cause dude cannot sing!

Enough of the rant… on to the recap, in order of appearance:

Michael Copon—sang Montell Jordan’s This Is How We Do It. Although not entirely comfortable with the hiphop genre (he has been singing rock songs each week), I think he pulled this off. As I’ve said before, he is the ONE person who actually has some singing talent. He sang in tune, voice was strong, and he definitely tried to match the feel of this style. The guy also has some moves and is the strongest contestant. He SHOULD win. I don’t think he will, though, due to the issues I mentioned above (read here: stupid American teenage girls). Thumbs way up.

Morgan Fairchild—I admit when I’m wrong, and I was wrong last week. I thought for sure she’d be voted off, even if it wasn’t deserved. Morgan did pretty well last week with You’re So Vain. Her performance obviously went well enough to keep her on this week. I’m pleasantly surprised. This week’s performance was Cher’s Believe. It wasn’t good. People don’t give Cher enough credit for her singing talent, and this wasn’t an easy song to sing. It was too much for Morgan. She is still a great performer, though, and she didn’t totally suck. Thumbs down, though.

Carmine Gotti Agnello—again, dude cannot sing. It pains me to watch and listen to him. Seriously. His task this week was Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative. This is a tough song, and Bobby can SING. As crazy as he is, Bobby’s got some pipes. Carmine is fundamentally without. During his “voice lesson” sessions, he asked if he could RAP this song. Well, duh… because he cannot sing! (how many times do I have to repeat this?!?!). He also can’t dance. No rhythm. He unzips his jacket to expose his little pigeon chest – and all the girls scream. Arrrrggghhhhh!!! I just can’t go on with this, because it’s too frustrating. The show is “But Can They Sing.” No, he can’t. So, why is he in the lead?!?! BIG THUMBS DOWN!

Here’s the part of the show where we learn who stays and who goes. We’re down to Antonio Sabato Jr. and Bai Ling. And… Bai Ling stays. So long, Antonio. Ant is having a meltdown. He has a serious thing for Antonio, as I have detailed in previous posts. Now he’ll have to live for Carmine or Michael. So, will Ant behave more like a 12 year old girl or a thirty-something gay man? My guess is that he will now crush more on Michael.

Bai Ling—sang The Ramones’ I Wanna Be Sedated. And yes… she should be. Sedated, that is. She screamed and howled through most of this. And yes… she took off more clothes. This is, again, the reason why she stays in the votes. People want to see what she WON’T be wearing each week. My Chihuahua howled through this performance. I think his ears hurt as badly as mine. She should be stopped. Not hurt in anyway… just some duct tape over her mouth. Yeah, that would be good. BIG THUMBS DOWN.

So that’s it for this week. If you’re watching – and not a 13 yr-old girl in America—please go to VH1 and vote for someone besides Carmine. I will have a major panic attack if this kid wins.

Good Times for a Friday

1. Office Restrooms are Out of Order-- my office is part of a much larger building that spans over one mile (approx. 1.6km) in length. Today, the only restrooms in our section of the building are "out of order." for. the. entire. day. You've got to be freaking KIDDING me?!?!

So... what is the solution for today's potty patrons? We have to walk a quarter of a mile (.4km) to the nearest restroom in another office section. NO LIE! I'm not opposed to walking, and I actually relish the thought of getting a little extra exercise today... but for the entire day? EVERY time I have to "go potty?" Ummm... excuse me? I'm a girl. I have a tiny bladder (tee hee). On a normal day, I use the restroom 4 or 5 times. Oh, and they told me this fact AFTER I had two cups of coffee this morning.

Thanks to out-of-service.com for the sign photo.

2. Giggles from Google-- if you want a good laugh today, go to Googlism. Just a sample of some returns:

Googlism of don't call me MA'AM's real name--

• DCMM is from paradise.

Googlism of Tom Cruise--

• Tom Cruise is a [expletive] fire ant who's made my urethra his home.
• Tom Cruise is the dumbest guy i ever saw interviewed

Googlism of Bill Gates--

• Bill Gates is the anti christ
• bill gates is darth vader
• bill gates is not richer than god
• bill gates is a genius
• bill gates is a wimp

Try your name to see if Googlism knows anything about you. Paste results in my comments.. or on your own blog... whatever!

Marion Wormer or La Lopez? You decide.

[in the supermarket vegetable section]
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Mine's bigger.
Marion Wormer: [looks questioningly at him]
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: My cucumber. It's bigger.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?
Marion Wormer: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. My name's Eric Stratton. People call me Otter.
Marion Wormer: My name's Marion. People call me Mrs. Wormer.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
Marion Wormer: How interesting. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?

Photo courtesy of MSN Undressed.
Animal House quotes courtesy of IMDB.

Update: for those of you who are too young to remember Animal House, here's a picture of Mrs. Wormer for comparison.

Winter Weather... BOO!

Two days ago, it was 70 degrees F (21 celsius) outside. This is what it looks like now. The high today will be 35 degrees F (1 celsius). We could get 7-12 cm of snow today.

VH1 Unintentional Comedy- Part Trois

Well, there really aren’t words for tonight’s episode, other than oh.my.god. I’m glad these people are on this show to win money for a charity. Otherwise, they should all be handed forty lashes. And NOT with a wet noodle.
So the show starts out with duets. We have six people left from last week.
The duets are:
Carmine Gotti Agnello/Bai Ling singing Summer Nights from Grease. Now we know why Carmine has been given rap songs the last two episodes. The dude CAN’T SING! He made Bai Ling look like the stronger singer. No… REALLY!
Larry Holmes/Michael Copon singing Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart, the Elton John/Kiki Dee classic. Again, Michael Copon can sing. Larry, ummm… no. But, why would they give hetero guys THIS song to sing? Of course, they changed the lyrics to try to make it work, but it didn’t. Lame. Very lame.
Antonio Sabato, Jr./Morgan Fairchild singing I’ve Had the Time of My Life, from Dirty Dancing. Another ant-gasm from Ant. He loves Antonio. Again, Antonio should stand still and not make a sound. That’s all he needs to do. Morgan Fairchild can’t make an expression other than a smile because she is so plasticized. Of the three duets, this was the most tolerable.
On to the competition…
Carmine is first up—sings Usher’s You Remind Me. Awful. DREADFUL. EXCRUCIATING. This guy can barely rap… he absolutely CANNOT SING. 10 thumbs down (I had to borrow some thumbs… two thumbs down is not enough!)
Bai Ling—sings Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Actually, she screeched through most of it. I think people keep voting for her so they can see how kooky she’ll dress each week. My brain hurts just remembering her performance. Thumbs way down.
Michael Copon—sings Bon Jovi’s You Give Love A Bad Name. Not his best performance, but at least he can carry a tune. Easy on the eyes, and he can actually move without looking like he’s in pain. Thumbs up.
Morgan Fairchild—sings Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain. She has the attitude to pull this song off, plus it’s definitely in her vocal range. She’s from the old school of performers, and this one actually worked for her. Thumbs mostly up.

Now comes the time when they’re down to two “singers,” but one won’t get to perform tonight: Antonio Sabato Jr or Larry Holmes. Gee… what was my prediction from last week? That’s right—Later, Larry!

So, Antonio performs Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love. If he would just take my advice—stand still, don’t sing—he’d probably win. Ant tells Antonio that he’s addicted to him. Hmmm… Ant/Antonio. Coincidence? But I digress… still a thumbs down. Sorry, Antonio.

My prediction for next week? I have no clue. If America had any brains at all (and we know they don’t), Carmine would be the next to go. But, there are too many stupid teenage girls who, for some unfathomable reason, consider him a hottie. I don’t think he’ll be voted off. Bai Ling should also go, but see reasons above why she won’t. My guess is Morgan Fairchild. The average VH1 audience is too young to even care about her – or even know who she is (was), so she’ll probably be voted off. That’s my prediction. Go to VH1's But Can They Sing site to vote.

Sexiest Man Alive???

Every year, People magazine votes on the "sexiest man alive"-- and I don't always agree with their choices. Right now, Matthew McConaughey is in the lead. 10 years ago, I would have agreed. Now, not so much. I don't know... maybe it's the image of the guy dancing around his house, stoned out of his mind and naked, while playing the bongos that turned me off to him.

So, I leave the vote to you, oh Mighty Bloggers. Who is the sexiest man alive (in America, I guess)? Straight Guys, I will totally respect your manhood if you cast a vote. Nothing says "I'm secure in my manhood" like acknowledging another man's hotness.

SO, here's the list they have currently (in no particular order):

1. Matthew McConaughey (Sahara, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days)
2. Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy, Sweet Alabama, Can't Buy Me Love)
3. Orlando Bloom (Elizabethtown, Troy, Lord of the Rings)
4. Jake Gyllenhaal (Jarhead, The Day After Tomorrow, October Sky)
5. Daniel Dae Kim (Lost, The Cave, several episodes of Angel)
6. Antonio Banderas (The Legend of Zorro, Once Upon A Time in Mexico)
7. Owen Wilson (The Wedding Crashers, Starsky & Hutch, Zoolander)
8. Kanye West (hip-hop artist)

If there is someone you think that should be on the list... write him in. Be sure to include a link to photo.

Better Late than Never... Halloween's Best

Kid on left: "My stupid parents dressed me up like a friggin' IDIOT! GOSH!"

Kid on right: "If you vote for me for best Halloween costume, all your wildest dreams will come true."

*I really hope they didn't perm that kid's hair just for this costume.

No, it is NOT Juan Valdez.

This is a test. Can you find a real man in these coffee beans? If it takes you less than 3 seconds, you are very right-brained. If it takes you anywhere up to 30 seconds, you tend to be more left-brained.

If you can’t find him at all, go eat some protein, because your brain isn’t working at all.

If the protein doesn’t work, you might be brain dead. Go to a doctor and have that checked out.

I will send $1 to the first person who responds with the correct answer. Or I will write a song in your honor. Your choice.

Unintentional Comedy from VH1 Part Deux

Show started... they brought Ant on as a guest judge (why???). Apparently, they're not going to say who was voted off. Before they get through everyone, two will be "kicked off." Another one will get to sing, and then it will be down to two. One will sing, one will walk.That kind of sucks... especially since they all have to prepare a song. Here's a play-by-play:

Michael Copon (One Tree Hill)-- sang American Woman, could easily do this for a living. His voice is pretty decent, plus he has the look. Thumbs up.

Morgan Fairchild (Dallas, Falcon Crest)-- sang Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive. Obviously, she did better with These Boots Are Made for Walking last week. Morgan Fairchild is no Gloria Gaynor. Her voice was as stiff as her shellacked hair. Thumbs down.

Antonio Sabato Jr (The Bold and The Beautiful)-- sang I Want You To Want Me -best song ever written-- and he was shirtless. Sang mostly in tune, but not good. He can't dance either. He should just stand still, stay silent, and stay shirtless. Ant is having an ant-gasm. Thumbs down.

Carlos Gotti Agnello (Growing up Gotti)-- rapped Drop It Like Its Hot. No offense to rappers, but this isn't singing. It is a definite skill, but it's not singing. He did okay, but he's a little stiff. Took off his shirt at the end. Apparently, that will help with the votes. His vocal coach said he was in the "flow," but I'm not so sure. Thumbs sideways-- I'm undecided on him.

Okay... so at this point in the show, they kick off two. Kim Alexis and Myrka Dellanos. Big surprise. Hoping I can make it through without ears bleeding this week-- with these two gone, there's a good chance.

Next up...

Larry Holmes (former professional heavyweight boxer)-- sang Let's Get It On-- prophetically stated that Marvin Gaye would roll over in his grave. He definitely showed improvement... sang a few notes in tune. He'll be voted off next week. Thumbs down.

At this point-- in true VH1 fashion-- they ask us, "Who will it be? Joey Pants or Bai Ling? We'll find out after this break." After which, they show a promo for the next episode, and SPOIL THE WHOLE THING! They show a clip of Bai Ling singing in the same outfit she has on in the show. So we KNOW it's Joey Pants who gets voted off (which was a huge mistake on the voters' parts!). Way to go, VH1! More unintentional comedy. Classic.

Bai Ling (red carpet fashion no-no)-- sings Call Me. Badly. Horribly. Please God, don't let the voters keep her on so they can see what she will (or won't) wear next week. Please... for all that is holy. This is a scary, scary woman. BIG thumbs down.

If you want to go vote or even hear their performances (please, be cautious!), go to the site on VH1.

CountDown to VH1's "But Can They Sing"

Only 7 more hours until the second episode of the best, unintentional comedy show of the year airs. Check back later tonight to see who will be booted off (Kim Alexis, Kim Alexis) for absolutely horrid singing.

In the meantime, to see if YOU can sing, run (don't walk) to Cheerioke. This is too funny.

Guess Who?

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate the style we create, straight 2008."















If you guessed this guy, you got it right!








Mac Daddy K-Fed (Mr. Britney Spears).
I couldn't stop laughing/crying when I listened to his new track. Oh, Brit-Brit, you have your hands full with this one. Let's see, he left the mother of two of his children to date you. and now he's out partying while you're home with your demon spawn.. I mean new baby... and what is a rich, white trash girl to do????

Thanks to VIP.de for the pics.

Tyra - Humanitarian or Supermodel desperate to be like Oprah?

Which is the true Tyra? Crazy, bitchy Tyra who rants at supermodel-wanna-bes? Or sweet, I-want-to-feel-your-pain-so-you-can-think-I'm-keepin'-it-real Tyra?

Someone, please tell me.

Thanks to fourfour for the picture.

Fun Facts to Know & Tell

Just read that Katie Holmes' father, Martin Holmes, is forcing Tom Cruise to sign a pre-nup prior to the actual wedding. According to Jeannette Walls (MSNBC's "The Scoop"), "Holmes wants to make sure that his daughter will receive 'a lump sum payment in the millions if the marriage should dissolve before the five-year mark.'"
Hmmm... that's interesting. Because I had already heard that the deal between Tom and Katie was to stay married for 5 years, divorce amicably, and Katie will earn five million dollars. See here, here, and here.

Looks like Dad's "ultimatum" is awfully convenient...