No big whoop...

I'm so mentally exhausted today, and I got nothin'. Soooooooo....

Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic.

The elbow, often nicknamed the "funny bone," is neither funny nor a bone. Discuss.

(...and don't go all haughty on me and try to tell me it IS a bone called the humerus, because the elbow is NOT the humerus. Look it up.)

Help! It's just TOO intellectually stimulating around here...

When my oldest daughter and I are being immature and attempting to throw "witty" (read here: not witty at all) retorts at each other, we often just repeat what the other says. Example:

Me: You're insane.
She: No, YOU'RE insane.
Me: No, you are.
She: No, YOU are!

We're just beacons of intellectual dialogue, aren't we?!?

The suckiest one she often uses is the "your mom" comeback, usually in a Kip Dynamite voice ("your mom goes to college"). It doesn't actually work for me, though. Example:

Me: Go away. You smell.
She: Your mom smells.
Me: No... YOUR mom, ummmmmm.... wait. That's me.
She: [laughing maniacally] I win, I win, I win!

I've been bested in verbal jousting by a 17-year-old. Gah. I should just give up.

Sometimes, when she's arguing with her little sister, the same kind of thing pops up. And it seems like I always end up the butt of the jokes!

She: Shutup. You don't know what you're talking about.
Little She: Yes, I do. You're the stupid one.
She: Your mom's the stupid one.
Little She: No, YOUR mom's the stupid one.
She: Your mom is MY mom, stupid.
Me: HEY! How did I get dragged into this argument?

Just to think... she'll be leaving for college in one year. I'm glad that I've prepared her to communicate with the outside world.

Please kindly fill in the blanks...

I have nothing today. So, I thought I'd learn more about you. Some other bloggers have had some very interesting responses to their fill in the blank posts, so here's a go at it. I'll add my answers to the first comment.

1. I watched/didn't watch the Emmy Awards because ____________.

2. The celebrity I would like to hear less about in the news right now is ________________.

3. The excuse Matthew Broderick should have used for breaking his collarbone (he fell off a horse in Ireland) is _______________.

4. I am most anticipating ______________.

5. Since Monday is an American holiday (Labor Day), I think I will _____________.

A Very Pissy Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why are we spending time studying this BS instead of looking for cures for diseases? Or better yet, men who believe this load of crap need a kick in the head.

WHY #2: Why doesn't anyone PROOF these days? "Oops! Confidential Applicant Information Printed on Law School Calendars" from Law.com.

WHY #3: Why did I laugh my arse off after viewing these pictures? I don't like to see dogs in costumes (well, maybe on Halloween). And my dogs only wear sweaters in the winter when they're really cold. Otherwise, no dressing dogs! But these pictures? Pretty darn funny! Spock and Count Pugula are my faves.

WHY #4: Why are the morning talk shows so enamored with viral videos? Check out this one on pancakes.

WHY #5: Why can't I remember when my last visit to Chipotle was? Oh, yeah. I can answer that. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN LONG! Rawr.

WHY #6: Just... why? Find more strange pet ideas at http://www.realtechnews.com/posts/3417


This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

I hate pain...

Pain sucks. Other people's pain sucks worse. I can't stand to see other people hurt, because I can't do anything to make it better.

Gah.

Open letter to the sorry-ass parents behind me at dinner tonight...

Dear Sir and Madam:

First, before I go into any of this, I want you to know that I am a parent also. My children are all teenagers now, but I DO remember what it was like when they were little.

As my family and I entered the Italian eatery this evening, I took into account how surprisingly busy they were for a Tuesday evening. I took into account that there was only ONE booth left open in the entire restaurant, and I took into account how much my husband prefers to sit at booths. But more importantly, I took into account how that open booth backed up to yours. You with your young preschool-aged child and baby.

As I mentioned before, I recall what it was like to take my very young children out to eat. It's difficult, I know. You feel like you can't go anywhere, because someone is always screaming or whining or jumping up and down on the booths... I know. I KNOW.

However, here's what I know that you apparently do not: No matter how many times you threaten a 4-year-old (and subsequently do not follow through on those threats), said 4-year-old is not going to sit down and finish his dinner. Let's take a look at a few of your "gems" from this evening, shall we?

Your threats:

Joshua Bryan Hart (name changed to protect the not so innocent)! If you don't sit down right now, you're going into time out when we get home!

Joshua Bryan Hart! If you don't eat your dinner right now, you're not going to get a special treat!

Joshua Bryan Hart! That's it! No more going out to dinner with mommy and daddy. No more Applebee's! No more Outback! No more Taco Bell! I mean it!

Are we seeing a pattern here? Idle threats. None of the consequences/promised rewards are immediate enough for the child to actually do what you want him to do. Beyond that, those were only three of the threats you used this evening. For the sake of brevity, I just couldn't add anymore. After 10 or so of these threats, Joshua Bryan Hart figured out that you weren't going to do JACK SHIT to him, and he continued to do whatever the hell he wanted to do. Which, by the way, included poking me in the back, smacking me in the back of the head, and generally pissing me off. The Farm Boy was careful, lucky for me (or probably luckier for YOU), to do a pizza sauce check on the back of my cream-colored blouse. Because that would have meant WAR.

I don't care how cute your child is... if he is annoying the people in the next booth, you make him stop. If he doesn't stop, you take his little ass out of the booth and/or out of the restaurant until he can sit down and finish his dinner. If he can't (which many children his age can't, considering the average attention span of a 4-year-old), then you cut short your dinner, take what's left home in a take-out box, and you leave the restaurant. Yes, I know. That's inconVENient for you. I know. Do you know how I know? Because that's what I DID when my children were unable to behave.

And guess what? THEY LEARNED HOW TO BEHAVE. Amazing, isn't it? Now, they're not the bestest little girls in the whole wide world, but they know what will happen when they disobey. They know, and they make choices. If they make the wrong choices, they have consquences. Immediate consequences. And if that means I'm inconvenienced still after all these years, then so be it. I'm still a parent. And I would NEVER be so inconsiderate as to allow my children to bother someone else in a restaurant. Crying, shouting children... I'll put up with that. Jumping up and down, screaming, poking-me-in-the-back, annoying children, annoying parents... no.

Oh, and when Joshua Bryan Hart is 13, and still doing whatever the hell he wants, it's going to be a lot worse than not eating his dinner or poking the head of the lady in the next booth. I'm just sayin'.

Sincerely,
Grumpy K. Frump
aka The Lady in the booth behind you tonight who kept giving you that look that said, "Really? You're really going to continue threatening your child and not do ANYTHING? Do you see him poking me? Do you see my face? Does this look like a HAPPY face?" Yeah, that lady.

Incoherent babbling...

Apparently, I'm not supposed to be posting today. Do you want to know how I know that? Well, I'll tell you.

I've tried composing about three different posts today. All three ended up rambling and completely incoherent. I mistyped words and letters so much so, that I spent more time correcting what I had typed than anything else.

While looking away from the monitor and typing (something I like to think I can do), I noticed that I typed two paragraphs with my hands shifted over exactly one key... commas instead of m's, etc. I gave up trying to decipher the paragraph, as I can't recall where I left my last Fred's Fruity Pebble decoder ring.

Anyhoo, I'm obviously tired, brain dead, and not very funny today. If I've left you a comment in the last 24 hours, I'm sorry. It was probably really, really stupid.

I'll just leave you with this:

1. I'm adding two new features to my sidebar as add-ons to the previous lists I posted (what scared me and what made me smile). If you care, read on. If not, no big whoop.

2. Please, please, PLEASE cross your fingers that the Farm Boy takes me to Chipotle for dinner tonight. It's been too long, and it may also be the reason I'm brain dead. Burrito withdrawals can be very ugly. Trust me.

You make me soooo very happy....

Smile Makers:

1. Little Miss Sunshine... I love movies that don't follow the same-ol'-same-ol'.
2. When my clothes fit
3. Cheesecake
4. Little kids running and laughing on a playground
5. Belly laughs
6. Weekends
7. Getting presents
8. Watching someone open a present I put a lot of thought into buying/making
9. Dogs trying to keep their eyes open, like mine are right now
10. A good book
11. Reading a good book while drinking a cup of tea in a quiet place
12. Autumn
13. Shopping
14. Football season
15. A good hockey fight ( I can't believe that makes me smile... less than a year ago, I would have clucked my tongue disdainfully at anyone who said that.)
16. Going on a date with the Farm Boy... with no kids.
17. Sleeping in on Saturday mornings
18. Having money in the checking account at the end of the month, because I know I have been managing money carefully
19. Bloggy Friends
20. A check that arrives unexpectedly in the mail
21. Family outings when everyone is getting along
22. When people tell me how great, polite, funny, etc. our kids are
23. Real oatmeal...with raisins added
24. Wrinkles around my eyes and mouth... they're smile lines, and they make me smile more.
25. When my teenagers sometimes slip and call me "mommy"

There are more... but this is supposed to be a Grumpy blog. I don't want to get a rep for being all mushy and stuff. Blech.

Friday Why Files...now with more ammonium thioglycolate!

WHY #1: Why do I have a sick feeling that this guy is lying?

WHY #2: Why would anyone stiff the Girl Scouts for cookie payments? Gah.

WHY #3: Why haven't I tried this sooner?

WHY #4: Why is everyone judging this mom? I mean... c'mon! She was just being supportive to her son... as he shot someone. Now THAT'S some awesome parenting!*

WHY #5: Why am I blogging right now when I should be getting ready for work? Arrrgh!

WHY #6: Why did I spend half my life sporting a perm? No, I'm not posting pics. Well, maybe... if I can find one.

Happy Friday!

And this concludes today's Friday Why Files...

*Yes, this is me being sarcastic.

Things that make me go AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!

Things that scare me…

1. people whose faces don’t move when they talk, scream, yell, etc.
2. wondering if I’ve adequately prepared my daughters for life as women
3. vomiting
4. what would happen if I ever have another anaphylactic attack
5. what my toes will look like in another 10 years*
6. disco music
7. the fact that I actually like SOME disco music
8. drivers who don’t know what they’re doing
9. drivers who only THINK they know what they’re doing
10. what the Farm Boy conceivably could have eaten to make him emit such horrific odors**
11. elevators
12. really looooonnnnggg, high escalators
13. heights in general
14. what’s hiding under my bed (no, not monsters… just all the CRAP that has been shoved under there. I don’t even want to know.)
15. smiling with spinach (or insert any food item here) in my teeth
16. looking stupid in general
17. eating Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor beans when you think you’re getting Jelly Belly’s (“earthworm” is quite a lovely surprise when you’re not expecting it)
18. most rodents
19. that leggings are “back in style”
20. my 20 year high school reunion in 9 months
21. that I’m too serious too much of the time- in real life, not in the blog
22. my [bad] temper
23. pain
24. other people’s pain
25. cancer

Oh, this list could go on and on and on… but maybe I’ll just stop here.

Wow. That’s a little depressing in spots, huh? Well, maybe tomorrow’s post should be a list of things that make me happy. :-)


*I think my feet are disproportionately large for my frame, because I am CONSTANTLY ramming them into objects on the floor. It’s either that, or I am rotten at judging distances. It couldn’t possibly be that I am just a huge klutz. No way.
The pinky toes on both of my feet have been stubbed, jammed, broken so many times, I’ve lost count. Most recently, I stubbed my right pinky toe into our bed frame and split my toe nail in two all the way to the quick. Owie! I cried. A lot. My toes will probably look like raw hamburger by the time I’m 40 or 50.

**Sorry, honey. I love you, though, no matter what you smell like.

The Man in Black is laughing his arse off...

I hate karaoke. No, I mean I DETEST it. Really. If you're a trained singer at all, you know what I'm talking about... and for those of you who aren't, you probably know, too. (see update below)

My grandpa is turning 80 this month, so we did the party thing yesterday. And guess what his wife had as a surprise for him? You guessed it. Karaoke. *groan*

So, here's the deal-- if your grandpa is proud that you can sing, you are morally, legally, and ethically bound to get your arse up on the cheesy little stage and sing karaoke. At risk of hurting an old man's feelings, you're just going to do it.

But it couldn't possibly be that simple, now could it? No. As you choose to sit in the back of the bar, wheezing from all the smoke and old people body odor, someone related to you is going to prod you forward. And that someone is your brother... who is also a singer... who, for some unknown reason actually LIKES karaoke*. And that little brother wants you to sing a duet with him. Fine.

Grandpa's favorite singer is Johnny Cash. Little brother says, "C'mon. Let's sing Jackson. It will be great!"

Do you know the lyrics to Jackson?

We got married in a fever,
hotter than a pepper sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson,
Ever since the fire went out...

Not exactly the song I want to sing with my BROTHER. Eww.

I think I'm scarred for life. Oh, well. Happy B-day, Gramps.

UPDATE: lest anyone think me a singing snob, let me explain a little-- I taught vocal music. I'm all for encouraging people to sing, regardless of talent or ability. I don't care if you sing out of tune, as long as you're singing. What I hate about karaoke is that it brings out all those people who think they are the best singers in the world... you know who they are. They also show up for American Idol auditions. Whether they can carry a tune or not isn't the issue. It's all about the attitude. When you think you are God's gift to singing, but you're in a karaoke bar? You should just stop. If you put your name in the karaoke dj's basket more than twice a night so that everyone can revel in the glory that is your voice... you're either showing off (or as ludi says, "a complete tool") or you are a microphone hog. Either way, JUST STOP. And THAT's what I hate about karaoke.

*Here's why he likes karaoke: he can sing ANYTHING and sound great. The dude sings Elvis, and women throw underwear at him. It's quite sickening, yet strangely intriguing all at the same time.

Jim, Jake, Josh, Jaleel, Jehosephat, John Jacob Jingleheimer-schmidt

I'm just curious... what possesses people to name all their kids with the exact same initials?

I'm not complaining. I don't think it's stupid, either. I'm just curious.

The Farm Boy's family (all boys) have the exact same initials, first-middle-last, as their father. I just met a woman whose children all have the same initials she does.

I guess I'm curious, because I don't think I'm creative enough to find good names that all have the same first letter. If you're lucky enough to pick something easy like "J," then there are plenty of names.

And don't even get me started on the middle initial. Keeping the middle initial the same for all your kids almost always results in someone getting a middle name which will embarrass them throughout childhood. Plus, how would anyone know whose underwear was whose?!?! Ick.

Okay... if you're only going to have 2 or 3 kids, I guess I can see how that wouldn't be so difficult. But when it starts getting up to 5 or more, yikes! And then there's the famous Dugger family with 16 kids... all with the same first initial. Gah. Pretty soon, you're just making up names or working with some pretty wacky spellings. Admit it.

In my family, all our names start differently. We noted a strange coincidence after my little bro was born... we all had exactly the same number of letters total in our first and middle names. Mom & Dad didn't do that purposefully, though. It just kinda happened.

So, as I said before... I'm just curious. Anyone care to shed some light on the subject?

Un petit Friday Why Files...

The only WHY that I have today is this...

Why does one bunch of crazies feel the need to make life difficult for the rest? If I am an infidel, and I never speak to you, why is it necessary to kill me? Or at the very least, why do they (the crazies) feel it necessary to PREVENT ME FROM CARRYING MY TOILETRIES ON THE AIRPLANE?!?!?!

I understand the items that were previously banned: box cutters, sharp tools, firearms... okay, I get it. They're dangerous.

But now some deranged individuals are preventing me from carrying on a bag holding my shampoo. And hair gel. And bottle of water that keeps me hydrated on those long, dried out flights. And my iPOD. OHMIGOD! Do you know how I am able to calmly make it through a flight? I'm scared to death of heights, and flying is not my bag, baby. My iPod is the one thing that provides serenity now as I am taking off and landing. THE ONLY THING.

PLUS, now that we're all going to be checking MORE baggage, the percentage of lost luggage is going to increase exponentially. *sigh* Not only will I lose the clothes I check... but now, all my [not cheap] toiletries, too. Seriously... $25 a bottle for Volumizing Root Lifter! Grrrrrr!

I will comply, of course, because I am a law-abiding citizen. I am not a nutjob radical who feels the need to blow up other people who do not subscribe to my particular beliefs.

Sorry... I have no sympathy/empathy for any person who believes that their "god" tells them to kill other people in the name of said "god." And I'm peeved now that I can't take my NORMALLY harmless stuff with me on the plane. Pretty soon, we'll all have to fly naked because threads in clothes could be dangerous. Or a pebble in your shoe. Or that flake of mascara on your eyelashes. Good god, I might even have to fly with an unmade face. Now, that's just plain scary.

END OF RANT.

Oh, and this concludes today's Friday Why Files.

Happy 200 to The Grump...

This is my 200th post. I don't actually pay attention to how many posts I have... I just hammer away at ye olde keyboard with little thought involved.

However, today, I saw that my post count was sitting at 199.

So, there it is.

If you do any searches on the number 200, you will find some 'interesting' facts:

*While playing Monopoly, you collect $200 every time you pass Go.

*Two to the third power multiplied by Five to the 2nd power is 200.

*In binary code, the number 200 is represented by 11001000.

*C200.org is a group of professional business women.

*When I was a high school photographer, we often used 200 speed film.

*200 Cigarettes is a movie with about 200 well-known stars. Okay, well, I'm exaggerating there... but seriously. Check out the cast.

*Bowhead whales can live to be almost 200 years old.


So, it's not a bicentennial or anything, but I'm going to celebrate anyway. Start up the blenders... it's Margarita Time!

Must.Find.Time.To.Blog.

I feel like I'm neglecting something. Or someone. Yeesh.

Guinness Girl tagged me, so here we go....

One book that changed your life?
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, by Judy Blume. Only because I was a budding adolescent and extremely naive. It was written shortly after I was born, and by the time I was around 5th or 6th grade, it already had THAT reputation. A lot of parents wanted it pulled out of the school library (puh-leeze!). I do think I learned a lot the day I finished that book, though, and I'm really glad the school and my parents objected to the attempted censorship.

One book you have read more than once?
Hmmm... I don't really ever read books more than once. I can watch certain movies over and over again, but I can't do that with books... unless they're children's books. So, I guess I'd have to say The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein.

One book you would want on a desert island?
How To Survive Being Stranded on A Desert Island for Dummies. Oh, and Blueberries for Sal, by Robert McCloskey. And The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger. Very few books make my all-time favorites list... but this one is on it.

One book that made you laugh?
Too many to count. Most recently, anything by David Sedaris. LOVE. HIM.

One book that made you cry?
I cry a lot anyway, so many books make me weepy. Most recently, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, by Kim Edwards.

One book you wish had been written?
How To Deal With Stress Without Causing Yourself Back Pain, Headaches, Over-Arching Irritability, As Well As How To Hide It From The People Around You Who Now Think You Are Either A Raving Lunatic Or An Incessantly Raging Bitch.

One book you wish had never been written?
Unfortunately, I've read a lot of lame books. Most recently, my biggest disappointments were Adriane On The Edge, by Paul Mandelbaum or Haunted, by Chuck Palahniuk. I think the latter was more of a disappointment, because I really do enjoy the rest of his work. This one was just disturbing with no point for making it disturbing... does that make sense? I don't know that I would wish them as "never been written" though. We'll just chalk them up to NOT GREAT in my opinion.

One book you are currently reading?
I literally just closed Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen. I love, love, LOVE this book!! Next up, The Dive From Clausen's Pier, by Ann Packer.

One book you have been meaning to read?
One? ONE? My queue is so long, it's embarrassing. There are some that I have had on my list for three years or longer, but keep getting pushed down for some reason or another. I couldn't possibly pick one.

Now tag five people.
Do I have to? Here's what I think... if you want to do this and haven't already, go for it. Just let me know that you have so I can come read yours. :-)

My week from hell is over...

Busiest work week of the entire year has now ended. I can breathe a sigh of relief. *SIGH!*

Things I have learned from this experience, but are not so specific as to be an actual post about work:

1. I must find shoes that are stylish, yet comfortable enough in which to stand and walk considerable distances... for 10 to 12 hours at a time. My shoes suck, but they're cute. I still can't feel my toes today.

2. Do not refer to recently graduated college students as "kids" in your anecodotal references... because several people in your audience have also just graduated from college 3 months ago. Bad form.

3. After a 14 hour workday, do not, under any circumstances allow yourself to parent. In this one case, ask the Farm Boy to step in and make decisions. This will prevent you from screaming on the phone at your child over a simple request. It will also prevent the resulting guilt over said screaming incident.

4. Do not assume that other presenters you have recruited will know that they should dress professionally. Even though it should be a well-founded assumption, it is no longer something you CAN assume.

5. When casual-guy presenter arrives in an old t-shirt and shorts, do not allow your mouth to hang open in surprise and shock... thus rendering you speechless. It's not a good look for you.

6. When people ask you "How are things going today?"... it might be better to do something rather than groan, roll your eyes, or fall down in front of them to communicate your worn-outedness. Next time, just say, "Great!"

7. Invest in super-duper strength eye concealer, because yours failed miserably, thus producing a meth-head, crack whore look for you on your biggest day of the year.

8. Don't waste another second worrying about how bad your hair looked yesterday. It's a lost cause.

9. When the Farm Boy suggests going out to dinner after your biggest work day of the year... to celebrate it being over... take a rain check. Falling asleep in your cheese fondue ALSO is not a good look for you.

10. Don't cry (publicly) when you remember you're going to go through this all over again next year.


GG- my next post will be your TAG. :-)

I'll just head back to the Bog of Eternal Stench*...

I feel like a troll.

[Warning... there's a whine coming on]

I'm still not at a weight where I'm comfortable... I've only lost about 2-5 lbs total since my last whinefest about my weight**. I say 2-5, because I lose a little and gain a little constantly week after week. My weight fluctuates more than the stock market. Or the temperature in the midwest. (yeah, those are all really lame comparisons. I don't care.)

I'm not worried about looking hot and sexy... we already covered that. I just want my clothes to fit, and I don't want to be self-conscious about whether there are visible rolls or not when I sit down.

I am part of a small department that is comprised of two other women and myself. They are both about 5' 10", and very physically fit. I'm 5' 3", and not so much. Not so much at all. One is about 5 years younger, and the other is exactly the same age I am.

So, this is the time of the year when we have to do a lot of presenting and facilitating and coordinating and making ourselves very visible.... together. They, in their sleek skirts or pants and sleeveless tops with no jiggly arm fat, and I in my... hmmmm... do I look fat in this shirt? Sure, I'll just wear a jacket in 100 degree heat to hide my white, pasty, not so firm upper arms. Please don't stand on either side of me so that it's even more pronounced how troll-like I appear in comparison!!! GAH!

Sorry. I lost my composure a little bit there.

I hate being insecure. You'll have to excuse me now... I'll be on the treadmill all night. Or maybe I'll just tuck myself into my bed and feel sorry for myself. :-(




*LOVE that movie!!!

**Sorry, too lazy to find which post it's in. Besides, it's not worth reading two whines in one day, right?