A Brief Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why do idiots insist on lighting off fireworks for a month before and a month after Independence Day? Seriously... since the first week of June, we've been hearing them, and they'll continue on until school starts mid-August. I love the 4th of July holiday, but I hate the morons who decide it's their God-given right to light off fireworks at all times of the day.

I'm not talking about the little firecrackers, sparklers, or spinny-whirling dervishes. No, I'm talking the big stuff. The illegal stuff. The big ones that make your whole house shake even though it was lit a block away. In our city, almost all fireworks are illegal to own, use, etc. But... if you live outside the city limits, you can do whatever you want. :-(

I'm really not a grump on the 4th of July... I love a good fireworks show... preferably at a show where professionals are involved. I have a cousin (second, once removed) who was in the emergency room every July 4th, because he blew off a hand or lost an eye. I'm not kidding. The nurses knew this kid by name. So, I'm not too keen on the idea of your neighborhood dumbass just lighting off everything he bought the day before.

I live on a very small cul-de-sac... only 7 houses. So the actual "street" area is pretty small. And, it's in an area that isn't within the city limits. So, it's a free-for-all during June and July. The worst culprit is the firefighter who lives on the corner. He lights off the really loud, house-shaking kind all June and July. Worse... he gives some to his 6 year old to light, too. Argggh.

The one thing I can look forward to is that I will be out of town on the 4th this year, so no neighborhood ignoramuses (ignorami??) to piss me off.

Update: Oh, and I forgot to mention that both my dogs go apeshit when they hear the fireworks. Which is like every 5 minutes. All day long. Calgon, take me away.

WHY #2: Why do I live in a state where the weather is so extreme?!?!* During the winter, it can be as cold as 10-15 degrees F below zero (-9 to -12 C) with wind chills even colder. We have ice storms, blizzards, etc. During the summer, it climbs to 100-110 F (38-43 C), with humidity levels 75% and higher. Today, it's supposed to get to 101 degrees F. And it's ONLY JUNE! What are we to expect in August? Yikes!

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.**

*The answer is simple: cost of living. I get three times the house for 1/3 the cost.

**Told ya they would be brief. I have to go shopping today to get ready for my San Diego trip, so I can't spend all day blogging. Right? RIGHT?

Another rant... gee, what a surprise.

I just got a bill for over $1000. Grrrr! Here's the backstory:

In January, I started doctor-prescribed physical therapy. I went at least twice a week, every week. This continued through the first part of April.

At the end of the first few sessions, I tried to pay for my portion. They told me that they would bill me, because it had to go through my insurance company first. After they knew how much the insurance company was going to pay, then they would bill me for the rest. I already knew my insurance company was going to pay 80%... but whatever.

After the first month or so, I asked them again if I could start making some payments. I had not received any bills at home. The answer was always no, because they were still waiting on one thing or the other.

When I first started getting my insurance papers on the PT sessions, I noticed that they were indeed paying 80%, but that there was also an allowance. This PT place was a member of the approved network, so there were allowances in what they could actually charge me. Okay, great. If you've ever had to read your insurance pages, you know they can tend to be a little cryptic... but these actually made sense to me.

After February came to a close, I still hadn't received any bills. I inquired again, and the new girl at the reception desk was pretty clueless. She said something to the effect that it probably meant the insurance allowance was enough to cover all the charges. I wasn't going to take her at her word, so I pleaded with her to ask their billing specialist to call me. Never happened.

So now, almost 7 months after I started, and a good two and half months after I finished all PT, I now FINALLY get a bill. For over $1000. Due July 19.

Yeah, well they can just suck it. I'm going to call them to say they can just piss off. I would gladly have paid them along the way, but there's no way in hell I'm going to dig up $1000 to pay them in full now. Not after all the times I asked if I could make some sort of payment.

I know insurance companies can drag their feet about finally sending their portion of the bill... mine seems to be notorious for doing that. However, if you have someone BEGGING you to let them pay their portion, it seems to me it would be a lot easier to issue them a check on the off chance that there was an overage. Now they're going to have to accept a payment plan from me.

This is the kind of stuff that really, REALLY pisses me off.

The Craving to Rule ALL Cravings...

After reading Darren's and Nabbalicious' posts yesterday that included pictures of them eating at Chipotle, the cravings started. Pretty soon, it was all I could think about.

I was also wondering if people here would think me weird for taking pictures at Chipotle. So... of course, once the Farm Boy returned home from work (he's not on vacation like I am, aw!), we headed out to our favorite burrito retreat.

I love their chairs and stools...




He's a cute, blue blockhead, eh?

Time, time, time... see what's become of me?*

I'm not a clockwatcher, per se. I usually go about the things I do on a daily basis, only somewhat aware of what time it is.

Now, if I'm working and have several meetings or the like scheduled throughout the day... then I'm very cognizant of the time. While I'm home on vacation, though, not so much.

Something very odd has happened, though, while I've been home. The first few days, I didn't even think much of it. But now? It's starting to really freak me out.

While I'm at work, I have a routine that I follow, so I do find myself looking at the clock around the same times of the day. At home, every day has been a little bit different, so there has been no routine to follow.

What's the odd 'thing,' then? Nearly everyday, I find myself looking at the clock when it is exactly 11:11. Some days, it's 11:11am. Some nights, it's 11:11pm. The first couple of times I noticed it, I mentioned to the Farm Boy, "Hey! Look, it's 11:11!" (it's the little things that keep our marriage hot, hot, HOT! hahaha)

Ordinarily, I wouldn't give this more than a second thought, but like I said before... it's starting to freak me out. Please understand, I'm not sitting around WAITING for the clock to turn 11:11. I might be reading, or walking through the house from one room to another, or watching TV with Farm Boy. I'll glance at the clock, and HOLY COW! It's 11:11 again. Yesterday, it happened again when it was 11:11pm, and I told him how much it was starting to creep me out... he just laughed.

I know. Some of you are like, "Hmmm. Maybe if she actually DID something, she wouldn't be looking for things to seem creepy." But I PROMISE... I have been striving to do something every day outside of sleeping in all morning and then eating bonbons** (with marshmallow fluff, ha!) while watching bad daytime TV.

I'm not trying to interpret it or anything. Now, if something nutty happens... like my flight number next week is 1111 or something kooky like that... I might literally fall over in the airport.

Has anything happened like this to any of you? Please share.

*Some of my favorite lyrics of all time...
"Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery, Weaving time in a tapestry, Wont you stop and remember me"

**I don't really eat bonbons. That was just my mom's sarcastic phrase for what she'd been doing all day as a stay-at-home mom when my dad came home from work asking her what she had accomplished. hee hee

The One Where I Revert to Dress Up Games...

Thanks to whoorl for this fun new site... aka Saturday morning boredom.


You can make your own here.


There's Casual (Just got done Shopping) Me, Football Fan Me, and Work Me.

In all cases, I have long sleeves, because I couldn't find a "flabby arms" version of me. ;-)

So, there you go MPB! That's what I look like... and no purple boxes!

Is it Friday already? Guess it's time for the Friday Why Files...

You know, when you are on vacation, the days tend to run together. I have no idea what day it is half the time. So, I guess it's Friday. And it's time for some WHY's.

WHY #1: As predicted... why didn't I stretch more yesterday? And why did I feel the need to prove how great a batter I am? I'm 37 years old and WAYYYYY out of shape. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would, but I'm definitely a little sore. Today, I've had to do a LOT of stretches.

WHY #2: Why is today labeled the Happiest-Day-of-the-Year (yeah, I know what the research says)? Personally, my happier days of the year are:
*Opening-Day-of-Football-Season
*Those-Days-When-The-Temperature-and-Humidity-Work-Together-So-That-One-Can-Actually-Breathe-When-Stepping-Outside
*Christmas
*Any-Day-When-I-Get-To-Sleep-In

WHY #3: Why didn't the authorities just explain that they added maggots to the delinquents' food for extra protein? Durr!

WHY #4: In the whole school lunch debate going on in schools all across the country... when are people going to learn that you can't just leave the nutrition decisions to parents and students? Here's the deal: I tell my kids what they can and can't eat at school. BUT I'M NOT THERE WHEN THEY ORDER THEIR FOOD! Until this past year, I never knew what the kids were ordering. Now, I can get an email of their order history for the month. And I can now hold them accountable. Not every school has that, so many parents are rendered helpless about their child's lunch choices.

So, why are people in Boston going nuts about the Fluffernutter* sandwich? Do kids REALLY need the option of eating marshmallow goo and peanut butter every day? Have you seen the kids in this country? Do you understand the reason TLC has a show called, "Honey We're Killing the Kids?" Come ON! (interesting show, btw)

WHY #5: Why did someone say "YES" to giving Janice Dickinson her own show AND her own modeling agency?** Actually, I can answer this one: because this woman is such a trainwreck... and quite possibly certifiable... that people just have to watch her. Her show is on the Oxygen channel, and I've surfed over it a few times, only to find myself oddly intrigued. If you need some info on Janice, head over to fourfour... he's got the scoop on everything Janice, from her judge spot on America's Next Top Model to her new show. Hee-larious.

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

*Fluffernutter... yep, that's what they call it. I'm pulling a "Jack and Karen" and giggling like a little girl right now.

**I might apply to Janice as a web site developer. Her agency page is pathetic.

Je suis trop vieille pour cette merde!

Okay, so after yesterday's post, I decided to try to appease all of my personalities (again, after that statement, I'm thinking I might seriously need some therapy).

I allowed Morning Grumpy to sleep in, but I was adamant that I would be up and moving around before 10am. AND IT WORKED!

At 11:30, I took Second Daughter to a ball field and pitched softballs at her. She was hitting really well at the beginning of the season, but she has gotten into a bit of a slump. Long story short, we worked on technique for about a half an hour there, and then we drove to the local batting cages and hit for another 30 minutes (this is all Fast-Pitch softball, btw... not "beer ball"--aka, Slow-Pitch).*

As a teacher, I was always better at modeling how I wanted my students to sing... it's difficult for me to explain to someone how to shape their mouth or sing from their diaphragm. Working with the daughter today... same thing. I kept trying to explain (in vain) how she was swinging too much with her arms and not so much with her body... so I had to demonstrate that, too. Not only did I hit a few balls that she pitched at me, but I also hit at the batting cages.

So, what is this post really about? Hmmm... if you're a regular reader, you probably know my workout habits. And that I've complained that I'm out of shape. And that I was in physical therapy for about 6 months with a bad back.

How did I do today? I was really shocked! I hit the hell out of the ball! I shagged a few grounders... which of course means I had to bend over and really try to get the ball. Ah, muscle memory. I can't tell you how good it feels to hit the living snot out of a softball. The old batting stance was right where I left it... [mumble, mumble] years ago.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty good. No aches in the shoulders or back. Legs feel pretty good, too. But TOMORROW... eek! I have this nagging notion that, tomorrow, I'm going to feel like I was run over by a bus. I might be a little proactive and start the ibuprofen now.

God, it's hell to get old. But I'm looking at it this way... I might have a great "Why did I do that?!" for my Friday Why Files tomorrow. ;-)

*The batting practice helped in her game tonight! Instead of hitting a wimpy shot to 3rd base or straight at the pitcher, she hit a nice one right over the head of the girl playing 1st... well out into right field. Woot!!!

Just call me Sybil...

There is a struggle between my self and my other selves that is never-ending. There's Morning Grumpy, there's Afternoon Grumpy, and then there's Nighttime Grumpy.

Afternoon Grumpy and Nighttime Grumpy get along fairly well most of the time. But neither one of them likes Morning Grumpy at all. Not one bit.

You see, Afternoon Grumpy (AG) and Nighttime Grumpy (NG) are very motivated. They love to actually DO things... exercise, work around the house, do laundry, spend time with the family, go for walks, etc., etc.

Morning Grumpy (MG) is a lazy, pathetic sloth. The alarm goes off during the work week, and she hits snooze. No. Matter. What. When she's expected to get to work on time, she's the one that takes her sweet little time, bargaining that she can sleep 15 more minutes and still get there with no problem. Usually, she's wrong. And then AG has to deal with the fallout for the rest of the day... having to stay later at work than she really wants to.

Right now, all the Grumpy selves are on vacation. There aren't too many mornings when they have to be up at all! However, AG and NG are very excited about all the possibilities of how to use this vacation time. There's so much that could be done, if only they could drag MG out of bed.

Last week, as well as Monday and Tuesday of this week, MG has won. There hasn't been a day yet when there's been something to do early in the day. Even getting the oldest daughter to summer school by 7:30am (oh, isn't that just a cruel joke for kids during summer vacation!!!)... well, she can drive herself. She's back by 10am, and most days, MG hasn't even gotten her lazy arse out of bed! In fact, yesterday, MG was so bad, that she even convinced AG and NG to lie around all day and watch movies. ALL DAY. Yeah, there was the business of the nasty headache, but that's not the point.

So, I'm just not sure what to do. You see, as great as AG and NG are, they are not in control. MG is always in control, because she sets the tone first thing in the day. And no matter what they say they want to do the next day, MG is the one who makes the final decision:

11pm- Nighttime Grumpy: "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to be up no later than 8:30am, throw in a load of laundry, go for a walk while it's still somewhat cool outside, and then take the girls to the pool." [NG goes to sleep]

8am- Morning Grumpy: "What was that imbecile thinking? I'm tired, and I'm going back to sleep." [instantly returns to Dreamland]

9:30am- Morning Grumpy: *yawn* Hmmm... I might be a little hungry, but OH! Look! Drop Dead Fred is on! I love this movie!" [proceeds to watch the entire movie...still in bed]

11:30am- Morning Grumpy: "I'm hungry. Maybe I should have some breakfast. Oh, look. It's already too late to go for a walk. Oh, well. "

12:00pm- Afternoon Grumpy: "%&#$!!!! That fooking MG wasted another whole morning!!"


I'm starting to really dislike this MG. A lot. (and it's entirely possible I should be in therapy)

There's a storm a-brewin'...

I am a human barometer. If there's any kind of storm or bad weather headed my way... I'm miserable. A major shift in the weather? You can be pretty certain I'll have a headache. Oh, and I'll be grumpy grumpIER.

So where do I live? Right. In the midwest. In that place where they love to say, "Don't like the weather? Wait five minutes and it will change."

I think I'm a sucker for punishment. Or a sadist.

Happy Papa's Day...

Happy Father's Day to my Dad. I don't tell you about my blog... and that's my present to you! (actually, you're getting something that you really, really want from the Sharper Image, but shhhh. Don't tell.)

Happy Father's Day to the Farm Boy. You make your children laugh, even if it's at your expense. Your step-daughters think you are a really good guy. That's a very good sign. :-) I love your great big daddy heart and the fact that you moved half away across this country, just so you could be closer to your children.

Happy Father's Day to my Ex.... because you gave me two really great kids. And I know you love them and are a part of their lives. You're a good dad.

And Happy Father's Day to all the other daddies out there. :-)

(please don't think that semi-mushy posts are going to be a habit here. 'Cause they're not.)

Friends don't let friends see Nacho Libre...

Seriously. Save yourself the $8. The only semi-humorous scenes of the movie are in the previews... which you can watch for free.

(and I'm really bummed. I like Jack Black. I tried to find some redeeming factor in this movie. I really, really tried.)

Friday Why Files... and you know I have to "go there."

WHY #1: There are two people that I try never to mention on this site: Tomas Crazy and The Mouseketeer that Went Very, Very Wrong. But I have to do so today regarding the latter nutjob.

Why did anyone find Britney's life fascinating enough to devote an entire episode of Dateline to her? I know... the paparazzi can be hell. I sympathize with most celebrities, because I'm sure it would totally suck, never having one moment of privacy. BUT... if you make out with Madonna on MTV, aka putting yourself out there to get attention, in addition to many, MANY more press-grabbing ploys, I don't have a lot of sympathy.
btw, we watched about 20 minutes- out of sheer morbid curiosity, akin to a trainwreck- and decided that girl needs a new publicist/PR/spokesperson STAT. I was embarrassed for her.

WHY #2: Did anyone see Garfield, The Movie? If you did, I'm sorry. And so are you. But the bigger issue is... don't movies need to be somewhat successful to result in a sequel? So, then my question is: WHY was "A Tail of Two Kitties" ever made? The reviews are outstanding. Or not so much.

WHY #3: Why don't people read and 'heed' expiration dates? (you'd think the greenish tint to the pancakes would be a big clue.)

WHY #4: Why would they keep building this school on a site known to have been a former cemetery? Didn't these people see Poltergeist? To quote my favorite crazy, Miss Whitney Houston, "Hell to the NO!"

WHY #5: After all the "What Not to Wear"-type shows, as well as ridicule left and right, why do people (mostly men) still wear black socks*, pulled up mid-calf, while wearing shorts? Please. Somebody help me understand.

WHY #6: Why does some idiot at every televised golf tournament feel the need to bellow "It's in the hole!" for every shot? It could be a tee shot, an approach, a chip, a putt... it doesn't matter. Billy Joe Bob is always there, most likely in his wifebeater and denim cutoffs, ensuring that he gets his 15 seconds of air time.

EDIT: I had to include one more: WHY #7: Why does Burger King continue with the crazy commercials? I mean, I like the chicken on the motorcycle. In and of itself, it's pretty comical. A chicken on a motorcycle. Ha ha. But WHY is there a song in the background, "Big Hucking Chicken?" What does "hucking" mean anyway? I looked it up, and it's not even a recognized word.
UPDATE: Thanks to DBJ, who informed this oldster that to "huck" means to launch something upwards... as in motocross, skateboarding, etc.

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.

*Okay, the black socks piece reminds me of an experience I must relate. I saw a real-life Pat today... you know, the androgenous/ambiguously-gendered person who was born on Saturday Night Live in the early 1990s? I saw a person today in the grocery store parking lot... dressed in khaki shorts, Hawaiian print shirt, black socks and loafers. The black socks made me lean toward believing this person was male, but the closer he/she moved toward me, the more confused I became. Hair was curly and just above the shoulder, and the face divulged no gender-specific information whatsoever. He/She was built very similarly to Pat, so I couldn't guess at body parts, either. Chalk this up to Moment # 463,021 where I severely regret not having my camera with me. :-(

Same Ghost Time, Same Ghost Channel...

I have decided to unleash my entrepreneurial spirit and start a cable channel of my own. And, I might add, it's about time.

Most days, you can turn on your idiot box, channel surf a little, and find SOME show about paranormal-something-or-other. But lately, I am surprised when I've looked and couldn't find one.

I think the problem is that they're dispersed across too many different channels. You can find Ghost Hunters on Sci-Fi, Most Haunted* on the Travel channel, Psychic Investigators on Biography, and a new one- Haunting Evidence on Court TV... and so on. Hey, even The Medium runs repeats on Lifetime (LIFETIME???!?!? What does that have to do with the show?). But I digress. Anyway, around Halloween, the frequency of such shows increases tenfold.

Wouldn't it make MUCH more sense to just have a single channel that would run all these shows all day long? I think so.

So, I'll set it ALL up.** I just need one of you (or many of you... I'm not picky) to finance it for me. 'Kay? Cool.

Even if you don't believe in ghosts or the like, think of all the freaks (like me) who will watch this channel. Think of the advertisers who will jump on board. Think of all the NEW products that will come of this.

Why does this interest me so much? I don't think I've ever had a true paranormal experience, other than a couple of freaky dreams (I'll save those for later postings). I lived in a couple of really old houses before, and I always felt uncomfortable in certain parts of those houses... but I think it was just my own little paranoia. Nothing substantial.

Do any of you have good ghost stories? goldennib posted one of her recent experiences. But I want to hear more stories!! You can either add them to my comments, or post your own. Just let me know when you do. I find this subject utterly fascinating!

So, there. That's your assignment. :-)

*Okay, so this one is definitely NOT my favorite. I believe in paranormal stuff, but this show is even a little too hokey for me. When the 'medium' guy (I'm leaving his name out purposefully) starts channeling and allowing a spirit to speak through him, it looks SOOOOO phoney. If he were ever to prove this to me, then I might think differently.

**Well, do I really have the initiative to do this? Sure. If someone could come up with the moolah and guarantee that I wouldn't lose any money in the deal? Absolutely. Is it more likely that I just want to read some really good stories from all of you? Could be.

Like a kid in a candy store...

I have a love/hate relationship with Barnes & Noble... mostly love, though.

I absolutely ADORE reading. I always have. During kiddie summer reading programs at the local library, I was always the top reader. I earned those silver stars ever so rapidly. Not that I cared about the contest prize... I don't even remember what any of them were. I just wanted to read and read and READ. Okay, so I'm also a tiny bit competitive, and I just wanted more stars than anyone else.

Today, the girls and I moseyed over to the local B&N. My queue at home is getting short, and I want enough choices when I finish the current novel.

So, what's the "hate" part then?

I always imagined that, one day, when I retired, I would own my own little Book Store Around The Corner, complete with oversized, overstuffed, cushy chairs and sofas strategically placed around the store. Not only would I sell books there, but I would have story time with the little kiddies in the mornings. I might even dress in character for a few of them. Coffee and tea would always be in ample supply. Starting to sound like something from a movie? A not-so-well-written movie that was churned out to get its stars one more romantic plot together? Yeah. Well, that was my dream. But I'm afraid the B&N's, Amazons, and Borders of the world have quashed my dream.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a B&N card-carrying member. Walking in their doors brings to me the type of euphoria that most people seek through chemical stimulation.

But as I wander up and down the aisles, perusing the titles and authors, looking for the items on my book wish list, I sigh a little. Unless I move to some podunk town where a) a store that size would never dream of opening, b) the locals don't know how to use the internet to buy anything, and c) everyone loves to read... I don't see that dream ever coming true.

But why would I want to move to a podunk town where no one knows how to use the internet? No, thank you. Dream crushed. End of story. (unless maybe I get a new dream?)

A short multiple-choice quiz (it's easy, I promise!)...

1. If you have recently had a baby... check that, if you have EVER had a baby:

a) you should not shop for yourself at Wet Seal
b) you should not shop for yourself at Forever 21
c) you should not shop for yourself at Hot Topic
d) All of the Above*

2. Where road construction is concerned:

a) the city should mark appropriate places where new asphalt and tar-like substances are fresh, so that one does not drive through it, thereby coating one's Loser Cruiser in a viscous, gloppy, malodorous substance that the local Gorilla car wash cannot remove
b) the city should devise more than one exit route from one's housing division when closing off the main entrance, in order to prevent the resulting bottleneck and inevitable road rage
c) All of the above


3. When taking one's children to lunch at Qdoba**, it is not always appropriate:

a) to vocalize one's preference for Chipotle as the manager walks by
b) to whine incessantly that "we should have gone to Chipotle instead"
c) to obsess that the cilantro lime rice is not as good as the cilantro lime rice at Chipotle
d) to opine on the merits of the salty lime chips at Chipotle vs the salty lime chips at Qdoba
e) to compare Qdoba to a "copycat version of Chipotle"
f) All of the Above

So... if you answered "All of the Above" to ummm... well, all of the above questions, you are 100% correct! Yay, you!

First day of vacation... didn't accomplish much. I think I'm going to go for a walk now. The Farm Boy has to work late in another city, so I'll probably exercise for a little bit, then watch me some Kyra Sedgwick (I think I might be liking The Closer... not a bad show). I might even have a glass of wine. By myself. And then I'll fight the urge to blog again. More than twice a day might be overkill for me.


*There was someone of the female persuasion at the mall today... I hesitate to call her a woman, because I'm not quite certain of her age. She very well might have been under 20, but that's not the point. The point is, she was shopping in Wet Seal, and then proceeded directly to Hot Topic. With. A. Newborn. Baby. One that was crying loudly. While she shopped for pubescent fashion. Ummm... no. Really. No.

** I felt like SUCH a traitor! Believe me. It won't happen again. (sorry, tammara. I really do like Chipotle better)

Monday, Monday... so good to me...

Monday morning.

7:30am- Woke up. Laughed... I don't have to work today.

7:32am- Went back to sleep.

10:38am- Woke up again. Yawned loudly. Channel-surfed.

11:30am- Thought about getting out of bed.

11:38am- Thought about getting out of bed. Again.

11:49am- Finally got out of bed.

Ah. I dearly love vacation.

A steaming hot pile of Friday Why Files...

WHY #1: Why does my hair look like Marlo Thomas' hair in That Girl today? Gah!

Oh, and fyi... this show was 'before my time,' so no age cracks, please.

WHY #2: Why the hell heck is it so freaking hot outside already?!? Sheesh! It's only June!

WHY #3: Why couldn't they wait until after school... and then "knock it out" in a park somewhere? Activity fee: $35.00. Phys Ed uniform cleaning fee: $10.00. Catching two of your teachers having sex in a classroom DURING SCHOOL HOURS: Priceless.

(A separate WTF? moment... what is with the teachers lately? As a former teacher, I am truly speechless at all the insanity. Sex with students, sex during the school day? Who ARE these idiots?!?!)

WHY #4: Why does the media insist upon posting pictures of dead guys? Zarqawi is dead. I'll take your word for it. Please, for the love of Bob, stop showing pictures of his dead body!! They all did the same thing with the spawn of Saddam, Uday and Qusay. As soon as they were killed, their dead photos were all over the place. The media fascination with the macabre is beyond my comprehension.

WHY #5: Why, why, WHY can't I find a job like this?!?! I'm a fabulous researcher. Ask anybody. Pay me $1 million, and I'll get you whatever you want to know.

WHY #6: This one is almost too good. The "WHY" is why didn't anyone catch this before now. An engineer for the city of Des Moines "swears that consultants who work for the city did not design the $5.7 million detention basin to resemble anything."

Trust me.... if you don't follow any of the links today, at least click on this one to view the picture. It's worth it.

And this concludes today's Friday Why Files...

Dead puppies... aren't much fun...

There used to be a song played on the Dr. Demento show, and it was called "Dead Puppies."* Here's a sampling of the lyrics:

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun
They don't come when you call
They don't chase squirrels at all
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Well, apparently, some people think that dead puppies ARE fairly useful. I thought about saving this link for the Friday Why Files... but I think this goes WAY beyond a simple "WHY." In fact, it's more like a "WTF, mate?!?"

From CNN.com:
"A woman angry that her new puppy had died pushed her way into a dog breeder's home and repeatedly hit her on the head with the dead Chihuahua."

If you're too lazy to follow the link, here's the scoop: she was mad that the puppy died, so she wanted to return it and get another one (a live one, preferrably). An altercation ensued with the breeder, which led to the customer deciding that beating the breeder over the head with a dead puppy would be... fun. Apparently.

*Don't send me nasty emails about listing lyrics to this song... I didn't write it. Plus, I have a chihuahua. And he's not dead. Nor am I hitting anyone on the head with him.

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!?!

Swearing. It's a guilty pleasure. I actually relish releasing a torrent of obscenities out of my mouth... as long as no one else is around. Well, okay. Farm Boy can be around. But that's it. It's sometimes good for releasing pent-up frustration. I can actually feel loads better after a nasty rant.

In public, around the kids, in front of friends or family, though... it's just not cool. In most cases, it's beyond inappropriate. I don't swear aloud in public, other than an occasional "dammit" or "what the hell was that?!?" I don't want to be that trashy lady with the sailor's mouth. I also hate swearing in front of my kids, because I don't want them to talk like that.

Ah, but herein lies the dilemma. The more you swear, um, well... the more you swear. And if you hang around with people who swear... it's CONTAGIOUS. When I'm alone in my car, road rage takes over and I swear through my car windows. I guess that's not so bad, unless other drivers can read my lips... or when I remember that there are kids in the backseat (laughing their arses off!).

So, I guess I need to quit cold turkey. I know I won't be able to do it immediately, but it's worth a try. Or at least, I can quit certain words... one in particular. I can type it with creating spellings, or even in a funny Irish accent. I mean, "fooking" is pretty funny when you say it out loud. It's even somewhat funny to type.

But as for you, Mr. F-Bomb, I think we need to part ways. Sure, it's been fun having you around. You function as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and a really swell interjection. You roll off the tongue with such ease, yet you are powerfully crass at the same time. But... here's the thing. I look a lot like the girl-next-door. I'm that "girl" that everyone seems to think is such a NICE girl (well, those who don't read this blog anyway). And you and me? We just don't fit. We can't make this relationship work anymore, and I'm sorry. I'll miss you, but it's time to say "so long." Hasta la vista. Adieu.

(I give myself less than 24 hours before one slips out)

Layers of Flavor? Ummmm... NO.

Okay. I feel a rant coming on.

I understand that "fast food," as a concept, is not intended to be nutritious. However, it seemed like we were making some gains in the last few years where some fast food places were actually offering some healthy (or at least healthier) alternatives to their usual fare.

But now, it's like we're regressing again. The burger joints are racing to see which one can build the biggest, nastiest, heart-attack-in-a-paper-wrapper before all the others. How many pounds of bacon come on that triple?!?!

The nastiest thing I've seen advertised, though, is that mess from the "fried chicken place that shall no longer allow the word "fried" to be uttered in its advertisement." Something Krusty Fowl City? You know of whom I type. Here's how I'm guessing they came up with their new menu specialty--

Some yokel from the braintrust of Krusty Fowl City: "Hmmmm... what can we make now that will entice people to clog their arteries and store fat like there's no tomorrow? How about a cloud of fluffy mashed potatoes, layered beneath corn, deep-fried chicken strips, and gravy... then topped off with some melted cheese! Brilliant!!!"

Blech! Seriously... is there anyone out there that finds this appealing?!?! If you do, please let me know!

You know what it reminds me of? Did you ever go to a family reunion where you had this crazy picnic with all of your octogenarian relatives? Those same great aunts and uncles who filled their plates with everything on the buffet... and then proceeded to stir it all together into one giant mess. And then they ATE IT. *shudders*

I'm guessing that might be how Krusty Fowl City came up with this idea.... 'cause I can't imagine why anyone with all their original teeth would actually ask for it.

Friday Why Files... late edition

WHY #1: Why do I keep listening to the Original Broadway Cast CD Avenue Q while I'm in my car? Because, you know those songs get stuck in your head. And you go around singing them all day long. OUT LOUD. And that's bad news, kids, because this is the 'naughty puppet' show on Broadway (for those of you who don't know).

The songs are hilarious. If you're easily offended, you don't want to listen to the majority of the songs… and you most definitely don't want to go to the show. But I'm not easily offended, so I love it all.

However, one cannot go to work singing, "The Internet is for Porn" or "Everyone's A Little Bit Racist" or "It Sucks to Be Me"—well, actually, I think I've sung that last one on my own now for quite some time. ;-)


WHY #2: Why is Anna Nicole Smith procreating? Again? I'm so disgusted by this, I'm not even going to link to the news story. There should be a law barring this woman from ever having children. EVER.


WHY #3: Why wouldn't coroners perform some kind of identification check on ANY deceased individual? It just makes sense to me that you would want to be 100% certain when you are officially noting a person as "deceased." As you've heard all over news reports, this kind of tragic error is easily avoidable.


WHY #4: Why, why, WHY are people so freaking stupid? I don't care what your IQ is. Dumb is dumb. To quote Forrest, stupid is as stupid does. I just am constantly amazed, open-mouthed, flabbergasted at what people think they can get away with anymore.

If your son was on trial for rape, do you think you could honestly get away with hiring a hit man to kill his wife and children—so that they couldn't testify against him? These people did.

This last one makes me so mad... I just have to stop now. SO...

This concludes today's Friday Why Files.