Saturday, February 24, 2007

Notes To MySelf...

1. You don't like other people's children. Remember? Especially when your children are not with you. And especially when you're out with the Farm Boy for "adult time." And MOST especially when those other children are under the age of 5, and whose parents think them "precious" enough to bring to what is usually considered an adult hang-out. So, when that skinny bitch hostess at the restaurant asks you if "this table" is okay-- the one right next to the toddler in the high chair-- where the floor surrounding him is already covered in food, crayons, a broken plastic dish, and something that looks like cola-soaked napkins-- say what you really feel. That should sound something like, "Hell NO, that table is not effing okay!"

2. You are a lightweight. One drink gets you buzzed. Two drinks... you're just asking for it. So, why, then on Friday night, after you drank that first (STRONG) margarita, did you agree to a second (STRONG) margarita? Did you not notice your already slurred speech whilst conversing with the Farm Boy? Did you not feel how slowly your eyes were panning the restaurant? Did you not feel that dizzying effect when you whipped your head around to find yet another screaming kid just out of your view? All those should be hints that you've had enough. That's also why your stomach is hating you today, you stupid biatch.

3. Your 8-lb chihuahua (yes, the same one that worships you) is not a camel. Not only does he need to drink water, he eventually needs to release that same water. You prefer that he do that outside. So does he. But... when you don't pay attention to him for 4 to 5 hours (that you might have spent lounging around today doing absolutely, freaking nothing), he's going to have an accident. On your white carpet. Which you will have to clean up, you stupid, stupid moron.

Oh, and whilst he is having said accident, don't freak out at him and yell at him to go outside. 'Cause once that "dam" is released, it's not stopping. If you do, you'll regret it. A lot. Like, for instance, instead of cleaning up one LARGE potty spot, you'll be cleaning his entire path from your bedroom to the front door. And yes, that's ALL white carpet. AND the Spot Bot doesn't work on the longest-trickle-spot in doggy history.

That's all. Just... please try not to be such a bonehead. Don't make me have to kick your ass.

Love,
Me

8 comments:

Ludicrousity said...

Awwww!!! Poor grumpy frump! I feel for you. Damn dogs! That's what a doggy door is for. That's what my dog uses. I never would have picked you for a chihuahua person I must say!

I'd like to see you drink. I think it'd make me giggle! :)

goldennib said...

Apparently the new trend is for all individuals to impose themselves on others in public. I'm not much into babies and children either. I like them when they start to become people; well I like them if they are likeable.

Poor puppy - sometimes we really are our worst enemies.

Stinkypaw said...

I think it's time for you to have a really good chat with yourself!

You need to say to stitting next to kids - pleeeeaaaaasssseeee! As far as possible!

Good luck with the longest-trickle-spot cleaning! I have to clean the carpet for the hairballs! Next house no carpet!!!

3carnations said...

My dog has a built in mechanism for avoiding the trail of pee on the floor: He ignores me when I tell him to go outside and stands there until he is done. Actually, he doesn't do that at all anymore - He is 13 years old and has trouble holding it, so he wears a "Puddlestopper" when he's in the house. Puddlestopper.com. Those things saved our carpet!

Paisley said...

We got a babysitter to got to the movies and next to us was a lady with her baby in a carrier.

Yeah - we moved right the hell away from that! No way!

Also, once at Applebee's there were so many kids running around I felt like I was at the airport.

Red said...

Ha... you know it's bad when you can notice your own slurred speech!

Alyssa said...

White carpet? Oooh lordy.

I like when I slur my speech but then I try to play it off like I'm cool.

don't call me MA'AM said...

ludi: I don't have the right kind of doors for a doggie door. We were going to buy one of those patio door/doggie doors, but our outside deck has too many stairs for the chihuahua. And that chihuahua is practically my soul mate. We both love to sleep and are growly. ;-)

goldennib: I guess you're right! So, how does one counteract those who impose themselves on every other person in public? I wish I knew.

stinkypaw: I usually do ask to sit away from kids when we want "adult time," but it was pretty crowded and I didn't want to be a pain. Oh, and I agree... no carpet next house!!!

3carn: I am sooooooooooo looking up that puddlestopper thing. Thanks for the tip!!!

paisley: don't you just hate that? I want to know when that became acceptable? Did your parents let you do that? Nope. Did mine? Nope. Did I let my kids do that? Abso-freaking-lutely not!!!

red: Yes, and then you try even harder not to sound drunk, which just makes it that much worse. I'm such a loser!

alyssa: yes, white carpet. Four kids and two dogs. I. Am. An. IDIOT.