Remember Me? ohmigod.... NOOOOOOOO!

A commercial just popped on. An annoying voice piped,"Remember me? I'm Tana." (no, I don't remember you. Put my show back on) "I'm back to bring you the Bedazzler again." (Ohhhhh, noooooooooooo!)

First of all, when does schlepping crap on "As seen on TV" make you a national TV personality/celebrity (this is how Tana is billed).

Secondly, the only person I ever knew who bought a Bedazzler in the 80s was my grandmother. She was divorced after 38 years of marriage to my grandfather (that's a whole 'nother blog, folks), and looking for love. She bedazzled jeans, jackets, t-shirts... all of them to wear with her fancy zebra stripe pants (Yes, I said zebra stripes). I could have sworn that she was the only person who bought that piece of crap from TV.

Apparently, Tana made enough money in the 80s to think that she could resurrect this... this... CONTRAPTION and sell it again. For the love of God, people, PLEASE don't bedazzle your clothes. We have enough bright shiny people on the planet. We don't need you out there all sparkly and shimmery and reflecting light in our eyes... blinding us... making us trip over end tables and whatnot. Please do humanity a favor and boycott the Bedazzler.

Thank you.

Mr. Hanky came to my house... fa la la la la, la la la la

Here they are... the best shortbread cookies in the world. They also closely resemble Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

You be the judge...

(they really DID taste good, though)

Merry Christmas Memories

Once, when my siblings and I were little, the minister in the church told us it was time to sing Joy to the World. At the time, my dad was in a rock band, and they did the Three Dog Night song of the same name. So, my sister, excited that she knows the words to Joy to the World, starts rockin' out in the aisle, at the top of her lungs... "Jeremiah was a bullfrog! Was a good friend of mine."

My embarrassed parents tried to hush her, but the congregation was already laughing. This was the old time Missouri Synod Lutheran Church-- the one where you wouldn't even dream of clapping in church, let alone singing some rock song and dancing in the aisles. The minister said something about maybe doing the Christmas Joy to the World instead. The organist took over, and my sister fumed... she liked the other one much better.

We sang Joy to the World tonight in the candlelight service. I tapped my sister, who is 35 now, on the shoulder to make sure she knew which version we were singing. She called me a smartass... in church, no less! ;-)

Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas!

It's almost time for Santa! Yipppeeee!

Merry Christmas! If you don't celebrate Christmas, then happy whatever to you! Hanukkah doesn't start until Monday, so I can start wishing that then. I won't be offended if anyone tells me Happy Holidays, because it is a time to be happy, right? People need to just chill.... I can't believe all the hoopla over what people say anymore. Sheesh.

So, tonight was cookie baking night at the parents' house. I made Chocolate Dipped Hazelnut Shortbread. They looked good, but we had extra chocolate left over after dipping them. SO... I just thought I'd drizzle the entire cookies (instead of just dipping the tips) with the chocolate. BUT, it's a thick chocolate, not the drizzling kind. They didn't look very good, so I took a knife and made swirly designs in the chocolate. That looked better. Yay... I felt pretty good. Then someone walked into the kitchen and asked me why I made Mr. Hanky (the Christmas Poo) cookies. Shit. *depression sets in* (I'll post pictures of them soon)

Tomorrow... presents with extended family, 11pm Candlelight Christmas Eve service-- singing for that one... and then sitting around waiting for Santa!

Merry Christmas!

Funerals and Holidays

Why is it that there are so many funerals around this time of year? One church in our community has three THIS WEEK.

For almost 30 years, a young man I knew struggled with Muscular Dystrophy. His mom and my mom have been best friends for as long as I can remember. Remarkably, he lived longer than the average child with MD. He had Duchenne's disease, which prevents the production of a normal protein in muscles. Most children who are diagnosed with this form of MD die in their early twenties.

He died last Friday. Yesterday would have been his 31st birthday. For him, I know that this was a blessing. He was getting sicker and sicker, and breathing was even too much of a task for him. I know it was his time, and for him... he's at peace. In fact, I'm sure he's doing the things that he hasn't done since he was about 4 or 5. He's running, he's playing soccer, he's dancing.

I got to go to MDA camp with him about the time he started having trouble walking. He was just the cutest kid... white blond hair, dimples, and the sweetest face. He was such a funny kid... his one-liners were always delivered quietly, but with such wit. That was something he never lost, even in adulthood.

This was a child who became an adult trapped inside his own body. He lived with his parents. His only social life was his family. His parents' lives revolved around him. They did have respite care sometimes... but they have adapted their whole lives to taking care of him.

Now he's gone. How do his parents carry on? They, too, are relieved that his suffering and pain are gone. What will they do in the middle of the night when they wake up listening for his monitors, and then remember? What will they do when they're out running errands... racing to get everything done in an hour -- because they can't leave him home alone for too long-- and then remember that they no longer need to rush? How do they pull into the driveway of a home that has been remodeled for wheelchair access?

Yesterday was his funeral-- and his birthday. His mom said, "God gave him to me on this day, and I'll give him back to God on the same day."

She asked me to sing for the funeral. I have NO problem singing for funerals... for people I don't know. Singing for a funeral when you know the person in the coffin... when you know the family is really difficult. Singing for a funeral as you watch grieving parents burying their child is almost unbearable. So, even though I knew almost all the music by heart, I kept my nose in the printed music, so that I could make it through the songs.

When I arrived at the church... I knew everything would be okay. His dad asked if I would sing something from ... ZZTop. After we laughed, I knew everything would be okay... and that healing had already begun.

Guess what THIS is!?!

No, it is not a lamp.

If you guessed "The spot in your house that you cleared out for the Christmas Tree that STILL ISN'T UP!"-- you win 10, 000 points. Instead of a tree, there are spare computer parts and two empty dog crates that someone (who shall remain nameless) put in the empty spot when he should have been helping me PUT THE TREE THERE.

It's December 16, and my tree is not up. *hangs head in shame* That, and now that spot looks so blah and cluttered... it's killing me. Really.

New blog trend?-- pee postings

A few of my favorite bloggers have recently posted some rather interesting anecdotes of accidentally peeing themselves (these two are really funny... nabbalicious and julie_gong). I thought... how brave! Could I tell a story like that about myself? Why not!?! I've known lots of people who have peed their pants. I know guys who have awakened from a deep sleep, dreaming they were finally allowed to relieve themselves in some glorious urinal... only to find that they were actually relieving themselves on a couch. This happens all the time, right?

Well... not counting the period prior to being potty-trained, I don't think I've ever done it. I've never peed my pants. In fact, I had the opposite problem.

I used to have a peeing PHOBIA. As in... I'm not at home? I can't pee.

Go to grandma's house? Wait all day until I go home... so I can pee. (oh the psychosis!) Spend the night at a friend's house? Yep... will have to run home in the morning so I can pee. Go to girl scout camp on a Friday and get home on Sunday? Uh... you guessed it. Held it ALL WEEKEND. (can you spell UTI?)

What the hell was wrong with me!?!?! I spent my youth suffering from chronic infections, because I couldn't TINKLE outside my own freaking home!! I tried. Lord KNOWS I tried. If it was a clean restroom, I could actually make it all the way into the stall. I would walk in, thinking, you can do it! You can do this! But, no dice. Not even a trickle. If it was a dirty restroom, I'd make it in as far as the sinks, and then turn right around. If it was an OUTHOUSE (like at girl scout camp)... hell no. Or to quote the whacked-out Miss Whitney Houston ... "HELL TO THE NO!"

Eventually, I outgrew it. Don't know how. Don't know why. I know... it's a little TMI, but none of you REALLY KNOW me, so what the hell.

*giggle, snort* I mentioned Whitney Houston and pee in the same posting. That's like a thousand points, right?

True Hypocrisy- TransAtlantic version

There's a smoker war going on here in my little corner of the world. Anti-smoking campaign says that all restaurants should be smoke-free, and I agree. Pro-smoking campaign says that people can go somewhere else or into non-smoking rooms if they don't like it.

I happen to be deathly allergic to smoke, so even the faintest wisp will set me off. What the "Pro" campaign doesn't understand is that there are so few non-smoking restaurants around here... sometimes I DON'T have a choice.

Anyway... we can debate that later. I married a smoker-- and reformed him, I think. After reading more debates in the public comment area in our newspaper over this issue, it reminded me of a funny story.

The summer after my freshman year in college, I was on a flight to Great Britain with the university choir. We did a whole UK tour (and that's an entirely different post!), and it was a really good time. Pubs=fun.

On the flight overseas, there was a tall, skinny, blond flight attendant with a not so charming personality (read here: BITCH). She asked me for my drink order. As it was on the US end of the flight (and I only 19), I ordered a Diet Coke (really wanted a Fuzzy Navel, but alas! no such luck).

This flight attendant started ranting and screaming (yes, really) at me about the dangers of Nutrasweet and how I was going to get cancer... I should really pay more attention to what I put into my body... blah-dee-blah-blah. Apparently she was loud enough in her chastising of me that other passengers tried to console me... not that I was upset or anything... just totally bewildered.
So... later on in the flight, when we actually NEEDED something from this flight attendant (like pillows, blankets, not her crazy advice), she was nowhere to be found. I was able to crane my neck around to look for her in the rear of the plane... and there she was... SMOKING. I didn't know whether to laugh or throw things at her. Considering this was pre-911, throwing things probably wouldn't have gotten me into too much trouble, and I think the rest of the passengers would have joined me.

Wow. I just really showed my age. Yes, people used to be able to smoke on flights. *groan*

5 Reasons to be Happy today...

1. I'm finally over the flu or food poisoning (not sure which it was). Missed a day and a half of work, but more importantly... missed 2 days of blog land! And... I actually had an appetite tonight. Mmm... chicken.

2. I'm not stressing that I don't have all my Christmas shopping done. (What? Gah! Dammit... scratch that one!)

3. There's another hockey game tomorrow night. I never thought I would like hockey, but the fights are totally cool. Seriously. It isn't better than football, but I could get into this. Plus, our season tickets are FREE. Best reason to go.

4. The hostile takeover of my local bank (okay, it wasn't really hostile... but I'm not thrilled about it) hasn't YET caused me any major problems. I think I have a year to change over all my old account numbers to the new account numbers.

5. Best news of the day: My gas bill wasn't over $100! We had sub-zero temps for almost two weeks, and my stubbornness to keep the thermostat down actually paid off. Woot! Let the drinking.... I mean, celebrating begin! Wait..... Oh, damn! I just noticed that the billing period didn't cover the sub-zero temps period. Yeah... so I'm not so happy now. boooooooooooooooo

So... somebody please tell me something that made you happy today. I'm just a little bummed now, and I could use some cheering up.

Why do I love my bed so much?

That is the question. Why do I get up in the morning thinking about how soon it will be before I can go back to bed? Why do I CRAVE a nap so much during the day? I'm not depressed. I don't want to live in bed, because then I couldn't do all the cool, fun things that you... you know... have to leave your house to do. But sleep is the biggest thing on my mind these days. No, it has nothing to do with the seasons, 'cause I'm like this all year long.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!!?

Sappy Time- A League of Their Own

AMC is showing A League of Their Own right now. This is one of my closet favorite movies. I don't know that I would admit that to people who actually know me... but it's okay in Blogland, right? (don't answer that)

Reasons to love this movie:

1. For me: I am an older sister, and my little sis and I have a similar relationship as Dottie and Kit. Except I don't have long legs. and I don't look like Geena Davis did in this movie. We both played softball, though. Their last scene together after the World Series gets me misty every time.

2. Jon Lovitz -- the guy is funnier than hell. "You know, if I had your job, I'd kill myself." -- "...didja promise the cows you'd write?" "Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way." Priceless.

3. Tom Hanks in a funny role-- The "no crying in baseball" line is a classic now. Oh, and the peeing scene. Laughed my ass off the first time I saw that.

4. Marla Hooch-- the name alone is a hoot, but when you see her peer up under her baseball cap, yikes! or when she's singing "It Had To Be You" at the Bucket of Suds. Bigger Yikes! Charm school assistant: "What do you suggest?" Charm school instructor: "A lot of night games."

5. Madonna in a non-slutty role... oh, wait... scratch that.

6. Betty Spaghetti-- another good name. Oh, and SHE is Penny Marshall's daughter.

7. All the "before they were Stars stars"-- Tea Leoni, Rosie O'Donnell, Bitty Schram, and a few others that are pretty much D-Listers

8. Laverne directs, Squiggy gets a part-- David L. Lander is one of the radio sportscasters.

9. John Cusack's sister, Ann, plays Shirley Baker, the girl who can't read. "Gr - Gra - Grabb'd." "Grabbed." Her. M - mi - mil - mil - milky, milky. White, white. Milky white. Milky white bre - breasts.

10. No women played hookers, strippers, or had to get naked in this movie. Not even Madonna. ACES, baby!


Thanks to imdb.com for help with the quotes.

Nighttime ponderings...

1. what to wear tomorrow
2. how effective a workout would be at 11:27pm (will procrastinate until the morning)
3. how many times jurgen worked in "badonkadonk" into her daily conversations today :-)
4. how sexy are baggy ONESIES jammies (not really pondering... already know answer... but am in denial)-- maybe this is why the Farm Boy, Westley is already asleep
5. why am I still awake when I have to be at work an hour earlier tomorrow
6. why is Brian Wilson back in the public eye after years of being a recluse (not criticizing his decision... just pondering)

Healthy Lifestyle update

1. Weight loss since posting SMART Goals: 0 lbs

2. Total minutes exercised since same post: 30 seconds of jumping jacks, maybe a total of 30 minutes walking. (does sex count?)

Lame. Very lame. So much for accountability. I have to lose 5 lbs. by December 31. Maybe I should get a move on, eh?

Two things not helping me reach my goals: tubs of cookie dough in the freezer, frantic pace at work which make me think I'm too tired to workout when I get home.

To help with goal-- I'll post weekly about this issue and list total lbs. lost, total exercise. Gah.

Unintentional Comedy from VH1 -- FIN!

My faith in people’s tastes has been reinstated… for now. Michael Copon has won the VH1 contest, But Can They Sing. Morgan Fairchild came in third place, so it was down to Carmine Gotti Agnello and Michael. After an hour-long show of prolonging the results—including a truly ghastly rendition of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody (we’re sorry, Freddie!) where they brought back ALL the contestants (minus Joe Pantoliano)—we finally learned that Michael Copon had won. That means that 12 year-old girls everywhere are disappointed, but that also means they are not the ones holding all the cards. Thank God!

Now for the scary part: they let Bai Ling come back and sing a solo… for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only. No! Why? Are you kidding me? Oh, wait… the song they chose for her is I Touch Myself by the Divinyls. Lord-love-a-duck—what the HELL were they thinking? Hmm… she wears little to no clothing, she likes to hump chairs while she sings. THIS is a good song choice for Bai?!? Okay, so basically she played with herself through most of the song. Really. I know VH1 is on cable, but it’s BASIC cable. They tout this show as a FAMILY show. Oh, man… I can hear the phones ringing and the emails shouting. If the chick could actually sing, I might even forgive her for the raunchy show. Even Ant was sweating bullets.

Best thing about the results of this show… I can stop wasting my Sunday nights on this crap and get back to Grey’s Anatomy.

Image Credit: DeepCreekAlumni

Rant time.
Do you ever get so frustrated with people that you want to just scream??? Why are some people so nice to you on a personal level, but then on a professional level... they are total FREAKING ARSEHOLES! I don't even know where to go with this-- I'm THAT frustrated.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone blames me for something that went wrong because he/she didn't do his/her own job. And then sends an email out to broadcast it to a bunch of co-workers. And if I point out that, no... it's not my fault, it's Butthead's fault for not doing "blah-dee-blah-BLAH," then I look like a total shithead. *my promise to not swear (much) in blogs is in the shitter now*

Picture credit: Lost in Frustration.

Unintentional Comedy from VH1- Part Cinq

I honestly don’t know if I can go on posting these recaps, except that next week is the finale. Thank God. I have endured more excruciating singing these last few weeks than ever before. And I used to teach teenagers how to sing. And I’ve also sat through drunks at karaoke. This show is worse. MUCH worse. Oh, and my Farm Boy, Westley, threatened to leave me if this went on much longer. I promised him that next Sunday night is the last. *whew*

So… last night, we were down to the final four: Bai Ling, Carmine Gotti Agnello, Morgan Fairchild, and Michael Copon. And because the good people at VH1 are ever so gracious, they let them all sing, even though one was going home. Gracious to the singers, yes. Gracious to their audience, NO. They started the night off with duets again. I’m not going over them, because they were just too atrocious to be worthy of recounting.

Bai Ling- sang Volare. This song has been covered more than any other Euro song ever (or so I’ve read), most notably by Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and David Bowie, just to name a few. Hmmm… Bai Ling’s name with those music legends? Nah. She was aiming for sultry and seductive. She missed. Thumbs down. After her performance, Ant came out and proposed marriage to Bai. I’m like… what is he doing? He’s gay. Bai is so confused. She doesn’t know if he’s serious, so she says yes! And then she asks Ahmet Zappa (the host), “I thought he likes boys?” Unintentional comedy scale: 7.7

Carmine Gotti Agnello—sang Hey Ma by Camron. Well, he rapped most of it. Again, rapping isn’t singing, but you still have to have the talent to rap. Carmine does not. have. any. talent. Except for turning on young girls. I still haven’t figured that one out yet. Maybe it’s that whole bad boy thing. Family with mafia connections. I guess that makes him a bad boy, but I digress. Oh, yeah. And he took off his shirt. He looks like a 12 year old boy. Thumbs down.

Morgan Fairchild—sang Dusty Springfield’s Son of A Preacher Man. Before I recap this performance, you must know that this is one of my favorite songs of all time. Farm Boy, Westley, makes me sing it all the time. It IS his favorite song of all time. When they announced that Morgan would be singing it, we looked at each other and groaned. There are some songs you should just leave alone… and this is one. Having said that, the vocal coaches did an incredible job of getting this song into Morgan’s range (which is way, way, WAY low). They also cut the ending where Dusty’s voice just goes into this amazing, soulful wind-up. That helped Morgan. A lot. I gotta give Morgan a thumbs up for this, because she pulled it off! She’s still not a great singer, but she puts her all into every song.

Michael Copon- sang Nelly’s Hot in Herrre. Well. I mean, very well. This guy has continued to impress me in how he is able to sing multiple styles and really get into it. He has gone from blue PowerRanger to One Tree Hill to decent vocalist. I could buy him as a pop star/rock star. Oh, yeah. And he took off his shirt. *woot* Thumbs up.

At the end of the show, they announced the one who would not be going on. *drum roll* Bai Ling is going home. YAYYYYYYY! No more screeching cat voice! Hoorah! Huzzah! If you don’t know who she is, go to gofugyourself.com and check out the Bai Ling section. She dresses about the same as she sings.

Now, if we could just make sure that the voters don’t let Carmine win. Here’s what you do: go to VH1.com and vote for either Michael Copon or Morgan Fairchild. Vote as many times as you like… it’s free. If you could just do this for me, I would be very grateful. Thanks, chums… until next week!

What is your Thanksgiving Persona?

It's Saturday morning. I'm STILL full from Thursday's 1:00pm dinner. I may never eat again.

So, here's a fun quiz for you to discover your Thanksgiving persona: http://www.blogthings.com/whatpartofthanksgivingareyouquiz/

I'm mashed potatoes. It must be rigged or something. I doubt that anyone in my family would call me the "glue that holds everything together." Maybe I lied to myself on a couple of answers. haha

Let me know who YOU are this year, even if you don't do Thanksgiving.

Thanks to supervelma for the links to the quiz.

US Thanksgiving-- worth holiday status?

Today is Thanksgiving. I have a lot for which to be thankful... I do know that. But do I like this holiday? hmmmm....

1. Only had to work three days this week; today and tomorrow are holidays at work...Thumbs WAY up!!!
2. Getting up early today (on my day off) to start cooking my "designated" menu items... Thumbs down.
3. Watching the traditional Thanksgiving parade while cooking... undecided. It will depend on who will be lip-syncing through their latest hit.... Thumbs sideways.
4. The typical holiday feast will include turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, green bean casserole (yes, with the crunchy onions on top), veggie trays, cranberry sauce and/or cranberry/cream cheese dessert, pumpkin bread, banana bread, wheat rolls, pumpkin pie, some other kind of pie, and other multiple desserts. HAVING TO WATCH WHAT I EAT (see post below).... Thumbs down. :-(
5. Knowing I can't step foot in a shopping mall tomorrow without getting trampled to the ground... Thumbs down.
6. Knowing that every store, tv and radio commercial will be plugging Christmas non-stop from now until Dec. 25... Thumbs down.
7. Getting together today with family who will come in from out of town.... Thumbs up.
8. Going as a mega-family unit (somewhere around 30 people) to a movie later this evening... Thumbs up.

I'm kind of a schmoe for holidays... I get into all the cheesiness factors, and I really do enjoy getting together to remember why we're all thankful. Personally, I wish we would have multiple Thanksgivings a year, because it might help people realize how lucky they are more often. I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, money in my bank accounts, a job that pays me way too well, and most importantly, people who I love and who actually love me back. Even when I'm crazy. So, yeah... I guess this day deserves holiday status.

To my chums in the US... Happy Thanksgiving. To my chums outside the US... have a nice Wednesday. I'll leave you with this fabulous picture to discuss.

SMART goals and Weight Loss

Warning! Loooooooonnnnnnnggggg post ahead.

What is a SMART goal, you ask? A SMART goal is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Tangible. (This is from Paul J. Meyer's Attitude is Everything, by the way. )

What you need to know about me for this post: I am a mostly healthy eater... I don't eat fried foods or fast foods. I drink water and green tea (soda/cola and coffee are rarities). Sweets are rationed out carefully. I'm not a carb freak (as in I don't over- or under-indulge)-- I like whole grains. Food is NOT my downfall.

So, some of you might have read somewhere that I gained 20 lbs (9 kg) in one year after being misdiagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. (Gee, I'm depressed? Wow. I didn't know that. I must be miserable then!). Actually, I wasn't any of that. I had huge polyps in my sinuses that caused chronic headaches and migraines, plus severe fatigue. After firing one doctor and meeting up with another who actually TALKED and LISTENED to me... we got that all straightened out. But, the weight damage had already started. I gained almost 10 lbs while on the antidepressants, and then another 10 lbs while on steroids to shrink the polyps. Gah! My weight had been pretty stable for the past 10 years, and I was in fairly good shape. Now... not so much.

In the last six months (since the sinus surgery), I have lost 10 lbs (4.5 kg). Most of that was from getting off the steroids. But these last 10 lbs are a real bummer to lose. I keep saying, "I need to lose weight. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise more." Nothing is wrong with that, except that there is no specificity, and it's not really measurable (since I didn't say how MUCH I was going to lose by WHEN). And that's why it's been so difficult.

So, dear blog chums, I'm posting it here and now. This is my new set of SMART goals:

1. I will lose five lbs. (2.25 kg) by December 31 (yes, even around the holidays).
2. At the very least, I will exercise twice a week for 30 minutes each session (I know that seems like a lame amount, but that's a bare minimum!).
3. I will have lost 10 lbs total by February 1.

For most people, losing 5 lbs can happen overnight. Or... they can gain 5 lbs and never even notice. I'm 5'3" and tiny. When I gain 5 lbs, my pants don't fit. Now pack 20 lbs on me... I had to go buy new clothes. Talk about depressing! Oh, wait. I'm not depressed. Strike that. haha

Guru used accountability in his blog... hopefully, this will work for me. Since my normal diet is pretty good, this shouldn't be too difficult, right?

VH1’s But Can They Sing, Part Quatre

Before I recap the show, I just want to state my disdain for American TWEEN girls. These girls are in the 10-13 year old age group, and my guess is they are the only thing keeping Carmine Gotti Agnello in this show. No, wait… he’s not only still in the show, he’s in the LEAD. Yes, as in most votes even AFTER he caterwauls like a stoned tomcat who is three days malnourished.
Who is Carmine Gotti Agnello you ask? EXACTLY. He is the grandson of the “last” crimeboss/mobster, John Gotti. Why should he be any kind of a celebrity just for that fact alone? EXACTLY. His mom, Victoria Gotti, is the star of her own celebrity/reality show, Growing Up Gotti. Carmine also stars in the show. So, let me see… Gramps was a NY mob boss, convicted and incarcerated, and later died in prison after serving only 10 years. Mom is a mafia princess on a reality show. I don’t really see any other “redeeming” factors to relate about her. Carmine is her son. That’s about it. I’m posting a picture of him so you can try, try, try to see why these little girls all love him so much and therefore vote and vote and vote. ‘Cause dude cannot sing!

Enough of the rant… on to the recap, in order of appearance:

Michael Copon—sang Montell Jordan’s This Is How We Do It. Although not entirely comfortable with the hiphop genre (he has been singing rock songs each week), I think he pulled this off. As I’ve said before, he is the ONE person who actually has some singing talent. He sang in tune, voice was strong, and he definitely tried to match the feel of this style. The guy also has some moves and is the strongest contestant. He SHOULD win. I don’t think he will, though, due to the issues I mentioned above (read here: stupid American teenage girls). Thumbs way up.

Morgan Fairchild—I admit when I’m wrong, and I was wrong last week. I thought for sure she’d be voted off, even if it wasn’t deserved. Morgan did pretty well last week with You’re So Vain. Her performance obviously went well enough to keep her on this week. I’m pleasantly surprised. This week’s performance was Cher’s Believe. It wasn’t good. People don’t give Cher enough credit for her singing talent, and this wasn’t an easy song to sing. It was too much for Morgan. She is still a great performer, though, and she didn’t totally suck. Thumbs down, though.

Carmine Gotti Agnello—again, dude cannot sing. It pains me to watch and listen to him. Seriously. His task this week was Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative. This is a tough song, and Bobby can SING. As crazy as he is, Bobby’s got some pipes. Carmine is fundamentally without. During his “voice lesson” sessions, he asked if he could RAP this song. Well, duh… because he cannot sing! (how many times do I have to repeat this?!?!). He also can’t dance. No rhythm. He unzips his jacket to expose his little pigeon chest – and all the girls scream. Arrrrggghhhhh!!! I just can’t go on with this, because it’s too frustrating. The show is “But Can They Sing.” No, he can’t. So, why is he in the lead?!?! BIG THUMBS DOWN!

Here’s the part of the show where we learn who stays and who goes. We’re down to Antonio Sabato Jr. and Bai Ling. And… Bai Ling stays. So long, Antonio. Ant is having a meltdown. He has a serious thing for Antonio, as I have detailed in previous posts. Now he’ll have to live for Carmine or Michael. So, will Ant behave more like a 12 year old girl or a thirty-something gay man? My guess is that he will now crush more on Michael.

Bai Ling—sang The Ramones’ I Wanna Be Sedated. And yes… she should be. Sedated, that is. She screamed and howled through most of this. And yes… she took off more clothes. This is, again, the reason why she stays in the votes. People want to see what she WON’T be wearing each week. My Chihuahua howled through this performance. I think his ears hurt as badly as mine. She should be stopped. Not hurt in anyway… just some duct tape over her mouth. Yeah, that would be good. BIG THUMBS DOWN.

So that’s it for this week. If you’re watching – and not a 13 yr-old girl in America—please go to VH1 and vote for someone besides Carmine. I will have a major panic attack if this kid wins.

Good Times for a Friday

1. Office Restrooms are Out of Order-- my office is part of a much larger building that spans over one mile (approx. 1.6km) in length. Today, the only restrooms in our section of the building are "out of order." for. the. entire. day. You've got to be freaking KIDDING me?!?!

So... what is the solution for today's potty patrons? We have to walk a quarter of a mile (.4km) to the nearest restroom in another office section. NO LIE! I'm not opposed to walking, and I actually relish the thought of getting a little extra exercise today... but for the entire day? EVERY time I have to "go potty?" Ummm... excuse me? I'm a girl. I have a tiny bladder (tee hee). On a normal day, I use the restroom 4 or 5 times. Oh, and they told me this fact AFTER I had two cups of coffee this morning.

Thanks to out-of-service.com for the sign photo.

2. Giggles from Google-- if you want a good laugh today, go to Googlism. Just a sample of some returns:

Googlism of don't call me MA'AM's real name--

• DCMM is from paradise.

Googlism of Tom Cruise--

• Tom Cruise is a [expletive] fire ant who's made my urethra his home.
• Tom Cruise is the dumbest guy i ever saw interviewed

Googlism of Bill Gates--

• Bill Gates is the anti christ
• bill gates is darth vader
• bill gates is not richer than god
• bill gates is a genius
• bill gates is a wimp

Try your name to see if Googlism knows anything about you. Paste results in my comments.. or on your own blog... whatever!

Marion Wormer or La Lopez? You decide.

[in the supermarket vegetable section]
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Mine's bigger.
Marion Wormer: [looks questioningly at him]
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: My cucumber. It's bigger.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?
Marion Wormer: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. My name's Eric Stratton. People call me Otter.
Marion Wormer: My name's Marion. People call me Mrs. Wormer.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
Marion Wormer: How interesting. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?

Photo courtesy of MSN Undressed.
Animal House quotes courtesy of IMDB.

Update: for those of you who are too young to remember Animal House, here's a picture of Mrs. Wormer for comparison.

Winter Weather... BOO!

Two days ago, it was 70 degrees F (21 celsius) outside. This is what it looks like now. The high today will be 35 degrees F (1 celsius). We could get 7-12 cm of snow today.

VH1 Unintentional Comedy- Part Trois

Well, there really aren’t words for tonight’s episode, other than oh.my.god. I’m glad these people are on this show to win money for a charity. Otherwise, they should all be handed forty lashes. And NOT with a wet noodle.
So the show starts out with duets. We have six people left from last week.
The duets are:
Carmine Gotti Agnello/Bai Ling singing Summer Nights from Grease. Now we know why Carmine has been given rap songs the last two episodes. The dude CAN’T SING! He made Bai Ling look like the stronger singer. No… REALLY!
Larry Holmes/Michael Copon singing Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart, the Elton John/Kiki Dee classic. Again, Michael Copon can sing. Larry, ummm… no. But, why would they give hetero guys THIS song to sing? Of course, they changed the lyrics to try to make it work, but it didn’t. Lame. Very lame.
Antonio Sabato, Jr./Morgan Fairchild singing I’ve Had the Time of My Life, from Dirty Dancing. Another ant-gasm from Ant. He loves Antonio. Again, Antonio should stand still and not make a sound. That’s all he needs to do. Morgan Fairchild can’t make an expression other than a smile because she is so plasticized. Of the three duets, this was the most tolerable.
On to the competition…
Carmine is first up—sings Usher’s You Remind Me. Awful. DREADFUL. EXCRUCIATING. This guy can barely rap… he absolutely CANNOT SING. 10 thumbs down (I had to borrow some thumbs… two thumbs down is not enough!)
Bai Ling—sings Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Actually, she screeched through most of it. I think people keep voting for her so they can see how kooky she’ll dress each week. My brain hurts just remembering her performance. Thumbs way down.
Michael Copon—sings Bon Jovi’s You Give Love A Bad Name. Not his best performance, but at least he can carry a tune. Easy on the eyes, and he can actually move without looking like he’s in pain. Thumbs up.
Morgan Fairchild—sings Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain. She has the attitude to pull this song off, plus it’s definitely in her vocal range. She’s from the old school of performers, and this one actually worked for her. Thumbs mostly up.

Now comes the time when they’re down to two “singers,” but one won’t get to perform tonight: Antonio Sabato Jr or Larry Holmes. Gee… what was my prediction from last week? That’s right—Later, Larry!

So, Antonio performs Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love. If he would just take my advice—stand still, don’t sing—he’d probably win. Ant tells Antonio that he’s addicted to him. Hmmm… Ant/Antonio. Coincidence? But I digress… still a thumbs down. Sorry, Antonio.

My prediction for next week? I have no clue. If America had any brains at all (and we know they don’t), Carmine would be the next to go. But, there are too many stupid teenage girls who, for some unfathomable reason, consider him a hottie. I don’t think he’ll be voted off. Bai Ling should also go, but see reasons above why she won’t. My guess is Morgan Fairchild. The average VH1 audience is too young to even care about her – or even know who she is (was), so she’ll probably be voted off. That’s my prediction. Go to VH1's But Can They Sing site to vote.

Sexiest Man Alive???

Every year, People magazine votes on the "sexiest man alive"-- and I don't always agree with their choices. Right now, Matthew McConaughey is in the lead. 10 years ago, I would have agreed. Now, not so much. I don't know... maybe it's the image of the guy dancing around his house, stoned out of his mind and naked, while playing the bongos that turned me off to him.

So, I leave the vote to you, oh Mighty Bloggers. Who is the sexiest man alive (in America, I guess)? Straight Guys, I will totally respect your manhood if you cast a vote. Nothing says "I'm secure in my manhood" like acknowledging another man's hotness.

SO, here's the list they have currently (in no particular order):

1. Matthew McConaughey (Sahara, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days)
2. Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy, Sweet Alabama, Can't Buy Me Love)
3. Orlando Bloom (Elizabethtown, Troy, Lord of the Rings)
4. Jake Gyllenhaal (Jarhead, The Day After Tomorrow, October Sky)
5. Daniel Dae Kim (Lost, The Cave, several episodes of Angel)
6. Antonio Banderas (The Legend of Zorro, Once Upon A Time in Mexico)
7. Owen Wilson (The Wedding Crashers, Starsky & Hutch, Zoolander)
8. Kanye West (hip-hop artist)

If there is someone you think that should be on the list... write him in. Be sure to include a link to photo.

Better Late than Never... Halloween's Best

Kid on left: "My stupid parents dressed me up like a friggin' IDIOT! GOSH!"

Kid on right: "If you vote for me for best Halloween costume, all your wildest dreams will come true."

*I really hope they didn't perm that kid's hair just for this costume.

No, it is NOT Juan Valdez.

This is a test. Can you find a real man in these coffee beans? If it takes you less than 3 seconds, you are very right-brained. If it takes you anywhere up to 30 seconds, you tend to be more left-brained.

If you can’t find him at all, go eat some protein, because your brain isn’t working at all.

If the protein doesn’t work, you might be brain dead. Go to a doctor and have that checked out.

I will send $1 to the first person who responds with the correct answer. Or I will write a song in your honor. Your choice.

Unintentional Comedy from VH1 Part Deux

Show started... they brought Ant on as a guest judge (why???). Apparently, they're not going to say who was voted off. Before they get through everyone, two will be "kicked off." Another one will get to sing, and then it will be down to two. One will sing, one will walk.That kind of sucks... especially since they all have to prepare a song. Here's a play-by-play:

Michael Copon (One Tree Hill)-- sang American Woman, could easily do this for a living. His voice is pretty decent, plus he has the look. Thumbs up.

Morgan Fairchild (Dallas, Falcon Crest)-- sang Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive. Obviously, she did better with These Boots Are Made for Walking last week. Morgan Fairchild is no Gloria Gaynor. Her voice was as stiff as her shellacked hair. Thumbs down.

Antonio Sabato Jr (The Bold and The Beautiful)-- sang I Want You To Want Me -best song ever written-- and he was shirtless. Sang mostly in tune, but not good. He can't dance either. He should just stand still, stay silent, and stay shirtless. Ant is having an ant-gasm. Thumbs down.

Carlos Gotti Agnello (Growing up Gotti)-- rapped Drop It Like Its Hot. No offense to rappers, but this isn't singing. It is a definite skill, but it's not singing. He did okay, but he's a little stiff. Took off his shirt at the end. Apparently, that will help with the votes. His vocal coach said he was in the "flow," but I'm not so sure. Thumbs sideways-- I'm undecided on him.

Okay... so at this point in the show, they kick off two. Kim Alexis and Myrka Dellanos. Big surprise. Hoping I can make it through without ears bleeding this week-- with these two gone, there's a good chance.

Next up...

Larry Holmes (former professional heavyweight boxer)-- sang Let's Get It On-- prophetically stated that Marvin Gaye would roll over in his grave. He definitely showed improvement... sang a few notes in tune. He'll be voted off next week. Thumbs down.

At this point-- in true VH1 fashion-- they ask us, "Who will it be? Joey Pants or Bai Ling? We'll find out after this break." After which, they show a promo for the next episode, and SPOIL THE WHOLE THING! They show a clip of Bai Ling singing in the same outfit she has on in the show. So we KNOW it's Joey Pants who gets voted off (which was a huge mistake on the voters' parts!). Way to go, VH1! More unintentional comedy. Classic.

Bai Ling (red carpet fashion no-no)-- sings Call Me. Badly. Horribly. Please God, don't let the voters keep her on so they can see what she will (or won't) wear next week. Please... for all that is holy. This is a scary, scary woman. BIG thumbs down.

If you want to go vote or even hear their performances (please, be cautious!), go to the site on VH1.

CountDown to VH1's "But Can They Sing"

Only 7 more hours until the second episode of the best, unintentional comedy show of the year airs. Check back later tonight to see who will be booted off (Kim Alexis, Kim Alexis) for absolutely horrid singing.

In the meantime, to see if YOU can sing, run (don't walk) to Cheerioke. This is too funny.

Guess Who?

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate the style we create, straight 2008."















If you guessed this guy, you got it right!








Mac Daddy K-Fed (Mr. Britney Spears).
I couldn't stop laughing/crying when I listened to his new track. Oh, Brit-Brit, you have your hands full with this one. Let's see, he left the mother of two of his children to date you. and now he's out partying while you're home with your demon spawn.. I mean new baby... and what is a rich, white trash girl to do????

Thanks to VIP.de for the pics.

Tyra - Humanitarian or Supermodel desperate to be like Oprah?

Which is the true Tyra? Crazy, bitchy Tyra who rants at supermodel-wanna-bes? Or sweet, I-want-to-feel-your-pain-so-you-can-think-I'm-keepin'-it-real Tyra?

Someone, please tell me.

Thanks to fourfour for the picture.

Fun Facts to Know & Tell

Just read that Katie Holmes' father, Martin Holmes, is forcing Tom Cruise to sign a pre-nup prior to the actual wedding. According to Jeannette Walls (MSNBC's "The Scoop"), "Holmes wants to make sure that his daughter will receive 'a lump sum payment in the millions if the marriage should dissolve before the five-year mark.'"
Hmmm... that's interesting. Because I had already heard that the deal between Tom and Katie was to stay married for 5 years, divorce amicably, and Katie will earn five million dollars. See here, here, and here.

Looks like Dad's "ultimatum" is awfully convenient...

Unintentional Comedy from VH1

ohmigod! I think I just found my new favorite tv show for off-the-scale unintentional comedy--But Can They Sing? As a former vocal music teacher, I had made a pact with myself NOT to watch this show. But I couldn't help myself. Is anyone else watching this? This is like bad karaoke, but worse. So here's what I think so far:

Morgan Fairchild- she used to sing a long time ago, so I expected she wouldn't be that bad
Michael Copon- surprisingly good!
Antonio Sabato Jr- not good, but not horrible
Bai Ling- yikes, she can't act, she can't dress, and she can't sing (she just scares me altogether)
Joey Pantoliano- not bad-- with more lessons, he could be pretty good
Kim Alexis- beautiful lady, seriously painful singing (I think my ears are bleeding)
Carmine Gotti- eek. pitiful. no rhythm. Nelly can't be happy about this cover
Myrka Dellanos-- more ear bleeding, Ouch!
Larry Holmes- they picked a song that would help him not sound so bad

5 things you will not see in this blog

As I surf through the other blogs in this blogspot, I notice that there are so many people with noble intentions, capitalistic ventures, and purposeful reasons to have a blog. On the other hand, I find that I am a grumpy, snarky, sad excuse for a human being, for I have NONE of these items in mine:

5. family pictures
4. a journal of a year of my life in a) a semester at sea, b) a mission in Guam, c)climbing the Andes mountains, etc.
3. celebrity worship of the obsessed kind
2. poetry (unless it's making fun of someone else)
1. enlightened insights into humankind

For all of that, I will hopefully continue to entertain with you small snippets and links to even funnier blogs or sites... like this absolutely fabulous shot of an "innocent" child.

Update: I just found out that I am going to live until I'm 93.6 years old. Dammit! I'm already cranky. What am I going to be like then?!?!
Find out your life expectancy here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/interactivearea/living_100.shtml

5 Things Not Likely to Happen in My Lifetime

5. A playdate between Brooke Shields new "bun in the oven" and TomKitten
4. Sylvester Stallone turning down Rocky/Rambo X (XI, XII, XIII...)
3. Mariah Carey wearing a dress that wasn't made for someone half her size
2. An ugly actress winning an Oscar for her elegant portrayal of a beauty queen
1. Lourdes, Rocco, Bobbi Kristina, Prince Michael (I and Blanket) and Paris Jackson-- all somehow turn out normal and avoid intensive psychotherapy sessions.

All Hail Hugh, Episode One

Do I really even need to type any words about Hugh Jackman? Or can we just let a picture be worth a gajillion words?

To be continued...

Let them eat sandwiches...

Celebrities, please eat. You're really starting to scare us. Teri Hatcher, you were a pretty girl. Now, you look like someone sucked all the fat and muscle out of your body and left your skin to sag on your bones. Women need a little fat on their body, or else they just look like aliens. Compare Lois Lane Hatcher to Desperate Hatcher. Please eat... I'm begging you. This also goes for you, Hillary Duff, Sienna, Victoria "Posh" Beckham, Kate Bosworth, Jessica Simpson... oh, the list is just too long. Even Angelina is looking a little bony lately.

Top 5 Sucky Things- Top 5 Plucky Things

Top 5 of the day...

Sucky
5. Kevin Federline's name in a headline at MSNBC.com. What is this world coming to?
4. 4 and out... sorry Astros.
3. Sci-Fi changing their schedule WITHOUT TELLING ME... no Ghost Hunters last night!!! Arrrgghhh... I waited all day for that!
2. People who smoke around me. I take a shower everyday for a reason, and it's not so you can blow smoke on me and make me stink.
1. Meth Users!!! When I go to the store to buy some stinking cough syrup that has a decongestant in it, I don't want to have to wait in line behind a bunch of old people just because they have to keep all the decongestants behind the counter now because some IDIOTS want to use Sudafed to make meth and get themselves all hopped up! Gah!

Plucky
5. GoFugYourself.com -- they say what we all think.
4. Junk-feud.com -- LA is my idol.
3. Ben & Jerry's lowfat Cherry Garcia (thanks, guys... you saved me last night when I was crushed from no Ghost Hunters).
2. Pirates (Garrrrr, Peter! Garrrrr, Steve.)
1. Tomorrow is Friday, and I only have to work until NOON! Suh-weet.

... and that's all I have to say about that.... for today.