Monday, January 23, 2006

Confessions of a middle-aged drama queen...

I really debated about posting anything at all today. Yesterday sucked so much, that the after-effects today are still dragging me down. I hate it when I'm like this. I get in a place that feels so low... and I'm finding it really difficult to climb out right now.

We've been really, REALLY busy at work. Often, I have to work through lunch (at least they're providing us lunch WHILE we work), and I don't get a break through the whole day. I can't quit my job... salary is too good, and I get my health insurance through my employer. Hubby is self-employed, so losing health insurance would be a catastrophic loss in my books. SO, right now, I feel trapped. My life could be SO MUCH WORSE... and I feel like such a whiner for even feeling this way. But I do.

My "very amicable" relationship with my ex is going down the toilet. He's straining his relationship with his daughters by being inflexible about things, and I'm caught in the middle. My husband (the Farm Boy, Westley) and I are constantly running from one activity to the next for our four kids (his two plus my two). His kids live almost 90 miles (about 145 km) away, so there's a lot of driving involved.

For those of you old enough to remember the Calgon bubble bath commercials of the early 80s... that's what I feel like everyday. I need to escape for a little while. Not forever. Not even for a long period of time. I just need a break. I've been telling my husband that for weeks now. Yesterday, I fell apart.

Went to church in the morning... no problem. Went to my parents' house for brunch, and things started to unravel. My dad started in about stuff at church, my sister was being a total bitch (which is her MO. It shouldn't be an issue, because this is how she is. Always. I know this. I usually deal with this fine.). I tried to ask my husband for something, but it came across as me yelling at him (rather than TO him), so he walked away from me. My sister said something bitchy about me, and I felt the tears starting... so I left. I didn't say anything to anyone. I grabbed my purse, walked out the door, and left. I went home and started cleaning the kitchen (that was a total disaster, btw, because the two youngest girls made choc. chip cookies the night before and didn't put ANYTHING away. Not even the brown sugar. Do you know what happens to brown sugar when it sits open, on a counter, all night long!?!?). And I cried the whole time. The phone rang twice... "where are you?"... and I ignored it. Hubby came home. I yelled. He yelled. I shrieked. And then shrieked some more. More crying. God, the whole thing just sucked rope.

Luckily, he's the cool kind of guy that just apologized... tried to make me feel better. He took control of the kids for the rest of the day. And I continued to clean (too bad I don't get this way more often. My house would look a lot better, and then one less stressor would be out of the way). My face was so swollen and red from crying, I looked like I'd been beaten. While cleaning, I made lunch and later dinner. Kept cleaning. Finally went to bed. Today, my eyes still hurt from so much crying. My head is achy. AND I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER ABOUT ANY OF IT.

As I sit here, I'm still fighting back tears. Now comes the really sucky part. The rational part of me is pissed. "Quit being such a big baby. Get over yourself. Your life is so good, and you are so lucky, but here you sit and whine and whine. PMS was LAST week, you stupid, f$%#ing baby. The drama is in your head. Shit, your bangs even look good today. What is your effing problem!?!?!?" I hate that rational personality. I really want her to go away so I can schlump around feeling sorry for myself.

So, that's what it comes down to. What IS my problem? No, it's not depression. Been there. Done that. I think I'm just overwhelmed right now. Doing too much. Trying to be Wonder Woman, and I can't fit into her metal bustier. I have Thursday and Friday off this week. I'm really hoping that will help. I'm going to schedule some appointments with the physical therapist for one of those days, since I haven't been back since before Christmas. That could help, too. At any rate, I have to get over this, because I really hate whining about my life when I have so much to be thankful for. *cue tears again, dammit!* Maybe I should schedule a night at the local soup kitchen or women's shelter to put things in perspective.


Paisley said...

Don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. Everyone's feelings are valid emotions, no matter what you are going through (unless you are a psychopath, but even then your reality is real to you :0). Just because you have a nice life doesn't mean that things can't build up and get to you. It's ok to break down every once in a while - even though it totally sucks.

I get depressed a lot and feel foolish because I am a very lucky girl. I know how that feels, but sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes my husband will ask me what is wrong and I seriously have no idea. I just know that I'm really sad.

Don't beat yourself up. Just be in the moment, feel it, try to figure it out and remember that every day is a fresh start. When I can't figure out what is wrong with me, I write it out and usually figure out an underlying thing through the process. Then I throw it out or delete it and feel so much better. Just word vomiting can be so therapeutic.

Sorry this is so long! I just don't want to see you be so hard on yourself!

Maybe a massage or pedicure on Thursday...and lots of ice cream...and DO buy some Calgon. But make sure the phone is ringing when you get in the bath and your husband is screaming for dinner while the kids cry. hee hee

Kim said...

I think it's good to have those "I feel so sorry for myself" days. We all have them. They allow us to let a whole bunch a crap out at once and start over. I have lots of days like those and look at me. I'm kinda, sorta, almost halfway normalish I guess. Okay, let's not look at me.

Instead, know it's not your fault. Today is supposedly the most depressing day of the year. :o)

don't call me MA'AM said...

Paisley... thanks. You instantly cheered me up and made me smile.

Kim, you are unique and fabulous. If anyone called you "normal," I would kick them in the shins. And holy cow! You mean, there's actually a REASON for my blues? Thanks for that link. I feel so much better that I'm not the only one.

Eek... my anniversary is Jan. 25. That was cutting it pretty close, I'd say.

Thank you both SOOOO much. I feel loads better. Really!

Julie_Gong said...

Everyone is allowed a low moment that they shouldn't feel gulity about. You'll get through this.

Maliavale said...

I'm just catching up, but from your last post, it sounds like you've got a plan to shake the blues. It happens to everyone! Good luck.