Friday, January 13, 2006

Mistaken identity is still a pain in the arse…

There is at least one other person in my city who has the exact same first and last names as I… not surprising. Both names are pretty common. We have different initials, though. I’m Grumpy K. Frump, and she’s Grumpy L. Frump.

Apparently “L,” does not pay her bills… and her phone has been disconnected or changed—it is unlisted. So, when collection agencies cannot reach her, they do a phone search through online search tools. AND THEN THEY CALL ME.

For the last six months, I have been dealing with this. USBanx (the name has been changed to protect the annoying allegedly innocent) has called my house more than 8 times asking for her substantial balance to be paid off. We go through the whole spiel: “What’s your middle initial? What’s your birthdate? What’s your home address?” As each tele-nazi asks these questions, I have patiently and politely answered. Then I ask them to take my number of their lists, since it is obviously a case of WRONG NUMBER. I have talked to supervisors and asked them to flag my phone number as NOT the number of the guilty party. They called again yesterday at 7:50am. Apparently, each new agent that is unable to find her does another phone lookup... and gets me. Again.

Another collection agency rang almost immediately after I hung up with USBanx yesterday AM. This was a collection agent for the state university Medical Center…. for which I have been a patient. The person on the other end of the line says, “Good morning. May I please speak to Grumpy?” I answer that I am Grumpy. He tells me, “I’m calling in regard to your outstanding balance with the Med Center in the amount of $3000.” As my jaw hits the floor and I panic (did I forget something? Did my insurance refuse part of my surgery?), a little bird says, “Hey, stupid. They’ve called before, remember? They’re looking for the same loser the other guys want.” So, I ask if they’re looking for “K” or “L.” After verifying my birthdate and address, the guy says he’ll look into this and call back… which he never does.

This whole process made me 45 minutes late to work yesterday. When I arrived to work yesterday, I called the state med center and asked them to clear it up with their collections. That took another hour while I was at work. Nearly two hours wasted on this lunacy!

So, boys and girls, the moral of the story is… if you have a doppelganger (at least a NAME doppelganger)...

pay your bills.

Or else.
Do you hear that Grumpy L. Frump? I know that your birthday is April 17, 1968 (ha! You're older than I am!). You're wasting my time, and my patience is gone. I know what it's like to be unable to pay all debts... been there, done that. But I didn't hide from my debt collectors. Stand up and take it like a true Frump!


Margus said...

YOu should just start making stuff about about L the next time a collector calls: "Oh, you see that might be close to impossible as I live in Tanzania now." or "I believe I have some terrible news for you: L's dead we found her face down in the kitty litter box this morning, sorry."

But that would be wrong, I'd just find out where she lives and beat her with a rubber hose.

don't call me MA'AM said...

I like the rubber hose idea... thanks!

Seriously, if I ever do happen to find her, she's going to get the lecture of a lifetime. I used to be a teacher AND I'm a mom... I am a "lecturer from hell!"


Nikki said...

Okay, this would make a great story!

What a pain in the ass though ... and I agree with Marcus's first idea ... just make up crap. :)

don't call me MA'AM said...

Ooh... good idea, nikki! Maybe I'll write a memoir, I mean fictional story based on this experience.

Margus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Margus said...


You could sell the story to Lifetime, and if you're lucky Stockard Channing could play you. Not that Stockard Channing reminds me of you, but she is a Lifetime whore, and if she played the part, the story would be immortalized as one of the major struggles of our time. Ms. L would most likely have to move to Abu Dhabi, only to be tortured by that rasin loving cat Nermal.

2:57 AM

don't call me MA'AM said...

Yeah, I'd be all for that margus, but Stockard Channing is 20+ years older than I am. Hmmm... other Lifetime whores? Valerie Bertinelli? Nancy McKeon (she deserves a lifetime Lifetime achievement award!) They're both still older than I am, but at least a little bit closer.

I also wonder if Ms. L isn't just loving it a little bit that they're hounding ME, while she remains the Invisible Chick. ??

Jurgen Nation said...

I was going to suggest Meredith Baxter, but NOT because of the age thing. It's just that she's such a Lifetime staple, but I haven't seen her in awhile. If I were going on age, I'd pick Tori Spelling, but she just doesn't have your depth of character.

don't call me MA'AM said...

yeah... and I don't have Tori's weird fake boobs or freaky looking cleavage.

Oooh! I forgot about Meredith! After that Betty Broderick story... holy SHIT! Meredith scares me now!!!

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