Tuesday, January 31, 2006

It was the funnel cake on the grassy knoll...


What is it about the smell of fried food? Not the taste... but the smell.

I'm not really into fried food anymore. Once you cut it out of your diet, it's difficult to go back. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't eat a piece of fried chicken without getting a tremendous stomach ache. I can peel off the skin and just eat the chicken... but the skin's the best part, right? Come to think of it, I can't eat anything greasy anymore. Don't even think about Mickey D's, Taco Smell, or Greasy Fish. No way. Can't do it.

Fried food, though.... the freaking SMELL is so enticing! I walked out the door of my office building today. Across the way is the evil empire that I shall call MegaLoMart. They have a greasy food court, and they serve corndogs. And I could smell them. I can live without a hotdog. No pig innards for me, thank you (okay, well maybe at a football stadium and only the Fairbury brand). Corndogs, however, are a COMPLETELY different story. Mmmm. Cornmeal batter, dripping off a hot dog, deep-fat fried to a goldeny-browny crisp. Dipped in a little ketchup and/or mustard. You just can't go wrong. Until an hour later when your stomach says, "Oh no you DI-IN'T!"

And then, there's the queen mother of all fried yummy goodness... the funnel cake. Not an ounce of nutrition anywhere in this little nastiness. Just batter squirted in hot oil, into an intricate pattern laced back and forth... then flipped over so more of its surface can bubble and splatter in the hot, hot oil... mmmm. WTF?!?!? This... THIS sounds good to me!?!?

No! They don't SOUND good to me. They SMELL good to me. And apparently, my nose has a more direct line to my brain than, well, my brain does. Here's what I think happens:

Nose: "MMMM.... that smells goo-oo-oood! Let's get some!"
Brain: "No, we don't want that. It's bad for us."
Nose: "But fried food likes us. It's our friend."
Brain: "You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you. Especially not fried food."
Nose: "No, not Fried Food. It's our friend!"

And in a movie-jumping-dialogue-switch, the Nose then turns to some Obi-Wan Kenobi-jedi-mind-trick shit and says:

Nose: "You will buy the funnel cake."
Brain: "We will buy the funnel cake."
Nose: "You will eat the funnel cake."
Brain: "Yes, we will eat the funnel cake."

Nose wins. Stomach loses. Brain sits around thinking, "what the hell just happened?"

My theory is that-- similar to the nicotine that's in cigarettes which makes them addictive-- I believe that there is a "yummy smell" added to fried foods to beguile us, to seduce us into eating them. It's a damn conspiracy. Yeah... that's what it is.

Search terms that found me today: collection agencies mistaken identity (what? is this happening to more of us?)

Random terms for the day: Tootgarook (thanks, dboy!), digital vomit, mini-wheats, Cillian


Photo credit: St. Petersburg Times

21 comments:

jurgen nation said...

Fries get me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I just gave up meat (incl. poultry, which includes my favorite horribly fried chicken sandwich with mayo) so I can't wait to smell fast food in the elevator. If you hear a howl of pain, that's me, in the elevator of a building in Detroit. Because it hurts. Oh, it hurts.

don't call me MA'AM said...

You gave up meat? Is this for the gastro issues or for something entirely different?

I don't think I could do that. I don't disrespect vegans, but I couldn't do it. Nope.

Red said...

I've never tried a corndog. And I have no plans to because what if I loved them, and then I wanted it every day? That happened with sushi, and I've just recently cured myself. I drove my friend Mark crazy wanting to go to the same place every day for, like, a year. I had restaurant OCD.

don't call me MA'AM said...

Red: that's how I am with Chipotle and Noodles & Company. My husband won't even let me pick where we eat anymore, because he knows it will be one of those two.

Ah... corndogs. You can't get the kind that you bake or nuke... they have to be deep-fried. Try them. C'mon. All the cool kids are doing it.

Jaek said...

I, sadly, have eaten up to eight (yes, 8) corndogs in one sitting. They must be dipped in spicy brown mustard. My mouth hole is actuall watering as I type this. Mmmmmm...corn dogs.

Master Peebody said...

Mmmmmmmm, i love greasy, fried, fatty foods! I know i shouldn't eat them, but, but, i just can't help myself! They all taste so gooooooood! Bad MPB, bad!

Paisley said...

Mmmm...I agree with you. The smells are divine! the thought of it all is divine! the reality of it is...well, does the phrase porcelain god mean anything to you?

heh heh

I haven't had ANY processed foods since Jan.2 except for 2 days in the middle where I totally lost my mind and cheated(and paid DEARLY). On top of everything else, I ate some store bought choco chip cookies (of course i ate 4 in two minutes) and I felt like total crapola. It's been years since fried foods....and meat. I can't even digest meat anymore.

Can you tell I feel sorry for myself? I WANT A POP TART!

Kim said...

Damnit. Now I want a corndog and funnel cake. Thanks a lot...

don't call me MA'AM said...

jaek: you are the master. EIGHT? yikes. I'd be puking for a week.

MPB: yes, you are naughty. You should be punished. :-)

Paisley: sucks to be us, right? My husband has a gut of steel. He can eat anything and it never bothers him. Sometimes, just WATCHING him eat makes me sick.

Kim: my evil plan has succeeded. I'm taking y'all down with me.

Julie_Gong said...

I love hot dogs and funnel cake and you know what you should love....... THE STEELERS!

therevhead said...

...Nose: "No, not Fried Food. It's our friend!" ...

Loved the nasal brainiac conversation. i chad Gollum/Smeagol flashbacks.

And yes, that ymmy smell IS manufactured - at willie Wonka's Factory - the new 'marketing smells department'

Hey frumpster, you know alll those girlie smell spraycans you can buy to mask household odours, and how they are all sissy scented: "waterlillies at duk" or wild roses in dew' or "evening violets in Bronte' romances" or " Lavender Heaven in sumptious spring" - stuff like that.

Well, why don't they do canned GOOD sprays, I'd love to see:
- sizzling greasy bacon smell
- wafts of yeast bakery
- haze of freshly roast coffee bean ( dark Italian)

What would you add.

By the way, good you comments are working, for a while some of us couldn't 'click on them'

Darren said...

Agreed. I'd never eat a funnel cake, but that smell...

I also have a thing for the smell of fish and chips.

don't call me MA'AM said...

Gong-girl: yes, I admit. I like the steelers. Okay? Happy now? ;-)

Rev: Thanks for noticing my hard work with the dialogue. haha! As for new fragrance sprays, I like the "odorant" smells from Monsters, Inc.: "Wet dog," "low tide," "smelly garbage." Mmmm.

Darren: What? Who? No... I did not eat a funnel cake at the hockey game last night. I don't know WHAT you're talking about! Those things are nasty. That wasn't me. Maybe an evil twin.

PoBaL said...

At Kennywood in Pittsburgh (best amusement park ever), you can get a funnel cake with ice cream, strawberries in goo, and whipped cream on top.
Kennywood's also where I had my very first corndog...mmm...

don't call me MA'AM said...

We can get that, too... I just don't like all the goop. In fact, I don't even like them with powdered sugar. Cinnamon and granulated sugar is just fine with me.

Now I'm hungry for this stuff again. Dammit!

Maliavale said...

Fat food has been proven to be addictive! And funnel cakes are the world's most perfect food.

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